Some of the funniest jokes I've heard are the ones at our expense; it's just too bad I can't remember any of them right now. I know they exist 'cause I remember laughing my ass off on the jumpseat on many occasion. If you are one of the coveted few who had one of these great flight attendant/cockpit funnies, please email your joke to fabp_2000@hotmail.com.

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy. Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, "I'm sorry sir, but we don't allow animals." In desperation, the man popped into the men's room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane. The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little air sick. However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright. He answered, "Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn't bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway." "But sir," said the stewardess, "Why do you look so ill?" "Well, apparently the darned thing isn't weaned yet."

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man. "Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you." "And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot. The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee." "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away." By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!" Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!" Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

One day a Captain died and went straight to hell. Satan took the pilot down a long hallway with many doors and said "I want you to choose how you'll spend eternity. See me when you pick a door". The Captain opens Door #1 and sees two pilots in a cockpit flying endless "touch-n-goes". "No way..." says the Captain, "I had enough of that during my life". He opens Door #2 and sees two pilots in a cockpit battling numerous inflight emergencies. "No way..." says the Captain, "too much stress for an eternity". He opens Door #3 and sees two pilots in a cockpit eating dinner and chatting with the flight attendants. "Well, that's not so bad. I can live with that!" he exclaims. The Captain marches back to Satan and says "I pick Door #3!" "I'm sorry..." replies Satan, "You can't pick Door #3. That's "Flight Attendant Hell"."

Q: What's the last thing a pilot's wife does before sex?
A: Drops her husband off at the airport.

A woman calls 911 to report a naked pilot on her front lawn. The 911 operator says to the woman, "OK, I understand there's a naked MAN on your lawn, but if he's naked, how do you know he's a pilot?"
The woman answers, "Well, he's wearing a big watch, has a little dick, and he's trying to steal my USA Today..."

Q: What's the difference between a pilot and a pig?
A: Pigs don't start to behave like pilots at a party!

Q: Heard about the airline captain who died 5 days after retirement?
A: His wife forgot to feed him every hour!

Q: How do you know there's an airline pilot at your dinner party?
A: He'll be the one putting his plate on the floor after he's finished.

Q: How do you know there's an airline captain at a party?
A: He'll tell you!

Q: Do you know why flight attendants wear panties?
A: To keep the flies off the crew meals!

Q: What do flight attendants and stage coach drivers have in common?
A: They both work behind two horses' asses.

Three guys met in a bar and spent the afternoon drinking and telling stories. Finally as evening approached, they realized it was time to go, so they signaled the bartender and told him they wished to settle their tab. The bartender left and returned, saying the bill was $3.00. "Three dollars!", they gasped and one said, "Surely you must be wrong, it has to be more than $3.00. We're been here all afternoon, and must have had 10 beers each!" "That's right" said the bartender, "thirty beers at ten cents each, that's $3.00". The men were amazed that the beer was so cheap, but the bartender explained, "You see, I won the lottery and I wanted to open a bar where folks could come and drink for a reasonable price and have fun. So I use my lottery winnings to subsidize the cost. That's why drinks are so cheap!" The men nodded, but one man pointed out, "Those two guys over there, they've been here for two hours and they haven't had anything to drink, what's going on?" "Oh those guys" the bartender replied, "they're airline pilots, and they're waiting for happy hour!"

Q: What's a flight attendant's mating call?
A: I'M DRUNK!

Q: What's a slutty flight attendant's mating call?
A: HEY! I SAID I AM DRUNK!

Q: What's the difference between God and a pilot?
A: God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a condom and a cockpit?
A: You can only get one dick in a condom!

Q: Want to know why they grounded Southwest Airlines?
A: They found big ugly cracks in some of the Flight Attendants.

Two men are drinking at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One man turns to the other and says, "you know last week I discovered that if you jump off this building, once you fall to around the 10th floor the winds there are sooo intense that they just pick you up and carry you around the building and into a window on the other side." The bartender just shakes his head and continues wiping the bar. The 2nd man says, "you must be nuts, there's no way in hell that could happen." The 1st man says, "no, let me prove it to you!" so he jumps off the building and free falls down till about the 10th floor where he is suddenly carried around the building and into the window. He proceeds to take the elevator and returns back up to the bar. The 2nd man exclaims, "I have seen it with my own eyes but i just can't believe it! That must have some kind of one time fluke!" The 2nd man, says "No, let me prove it to you again." So he jumps again and is hurtling towards the street below when, at the 10th floor, the wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. When he returns to the bar upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it himself. The 2nd man says, "What the hell, I've seen it twice, it works, I'll try it!" So he jumps, falls and falls past the 10th floor, 9th, 8th... splat on the sidewalk below. Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. A male flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his traytable. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?" The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their traytables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient." Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touch myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?" The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Q: What does a capt. have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
A: They both eat every leg.

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated in first class, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big-brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us onto the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!" "Well, sweet-cheeks..." the gay f/a replied, "in my country, I'm called a Queen so I out rank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

Q: What's the difference between an f/o and Jesus?
A: Nothing-- they both sit at the right hand of God.

The teacher asks little Johnny, "What would you like to do when you grow up?" "I want to be an airline pilot", answers little Johnny. "I'm sorry," the teacher responds, "You can't do both."

After take-off, the Captain makes his usual "Welcome Aboard" announcement, but forgets to turn the PA system off. He turns to his co-pilot and says, "Damn it Frank, I'm sick and tired of all this bullshit, hauling these cattle around. You know what I could use right now? A stiff drink and a piece of ass!" The flight attendant in the cabin hears this exchange over the airplane's speakers and runs forward to warn the Captain. As she's running through first class, a passenger yells "Miss! Aren't you forgetting his drink?!?"

There are three ladies flying in first class. The plane is about to crash. One of the ladies takes her bottle of perfume out and starts spraying it all over her body. The second one asks why she is doing that. She says because they will find her body by the scent. The second one takes all her jewelry and puts it on. The third one asks why she is doing that. She says: "They will find my body by my jewels". Finally, the third lady takes her panties off. The other two look at her and ask stunned, why are you doing that? And she responds: "Because I heard that the first thing that they look for is the Black Box".

The worst air disaster occurred earlier today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery. Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, one of the engines blows up. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Smiling confidently, the pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. Then, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs. "Aren't those parachutes?", asked one of the passengers. The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?" "There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help..."

A mother had three daugthers and on their wedding day she asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The mother is confused but finally noticed that a Maxwell Coffeehouse ad read: "SATISFACTION TO THE LAST DROP..." So Mother was happy. The second daughter got married and the message read; "Rothmans". So the mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says: "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother was happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "British Airways". Mother was concerned, and frantically checked all the newspapers for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad read: "TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS".

During boarding a man approaches the aircraft door, opens his fly and exposes his penis. The Flight Attendant says: "I'm sorry Sir, but you have to show your ticket not your stub!"

A Baptist minister and a Rabbi are flying together in an airplane. The Flight Attendant asks them if they would like something to drink. The Rabbi answers: "I will have a Martini". The Babtist minister roll his eyes in disgust and says "How dare you tarnish your body with alcohol! I'd rather commit adultery!" "Forget about the Martini!" replies the Rabbi, "I didn't know I had a choice!"

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in the airplane." And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but the airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Johnny and his wife went back to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." "That airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife. The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you. But if you say one word it's ten dollars." Johnny and his wife agree and climbed in the plane. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Johnny, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Johnny replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Two elderly vultures decided they would fly south this year for vacation, so they made reservations with an airline. They arrived at the airport, and the gate agent looked at their luggage and asked if they wanted to check their baggage: two dead raccoons they brought to snack on. "No," the vultures said. "They're carrion."

Q: What do you call a pregnant Flight Attendant?
A: Pilot Error.

Q: How do you recognize a Flight Attendant at a party?
A: They are the only ones eating standing up and cleaning their hands with the curtains.

A new blond Flight Attendant was late for pick-up at the hotel. The Captain called her up wondering what had happened to her. She answered the phone and said: "I can't get out of the room." "You can't get out of the room?" the Captain asked, "why not?" The blonde Flight Attendant replied: "There are only three doors in this room: one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and the other one has a sign that says Do Not Disturb!

Q: What separates Flight Attendants from the scum of the world?
A: The Cockpit door.

Q: An airhead Flight Attendant, a smart Flight Attendant and Santa Claus jumped off the airplane after they lost both engines. Who made the largest splash?
A: The airhead Flight Attendant. The others don't exist!

Q: What's the difference between a flight attendant and a 727 engine?
A: The 727 engine stops whining after landing.

A Blond Flight Attendant was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"... she turned around and went home.

Q: What do you call a bunch of Flight Attendants in a basement?
A: A Whine Cellar!

After the plane took off and reached cruising altitude, the Captain made his announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from service to-- OH MY GOD!!!" There was silence for a few moments. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said: "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

Q: How do you make a flight attendant cum with one finger?
A: Press the flight attendant call button.

Q: What do Flight Attendants and Monica Lewinsky have in common?
A: They all have a blue dress with stains on it.

Q: What's the difference between a Flight Attendant and a Mercedes?
A: Not everyone has been on a Mercedes.

A young female flight attendant walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist "I'd like a box of condoms: different size, different style, different color." The pharmacist, slightly confused, nods his head and gives her a case of condoms marked "Variety". The next month she stops back in and asks "I'd like a box of condoms: different size, different style, different color." Again the pharmacist nods his head and hands her the "Variety" case. This happens again the next month, then the next, and the next. On the 6 month, the flight attendant walks into the drug store and up to the pharmacist. Before she could say anything, the pharmacist interrupts her: "Don't tell me, you want a box of condoms: different size, different style, different color." "Nope!" exclaims the smiling flight attendant, "I'd like a box of condoms: same size, same style, same color!" "Oh", replied the pharmacist, "do you mind if ask why the change?" "Not at all..." exclaims the flight attendant proudly, "I got a line this month!"

Q: What's the real definition of a "landing"?
A: A controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

One day there was a huge line of people waiting to get into the pearly white gates of Heaven. The line stretched for over a mile, and the wait was 5 hours. The angel at the check-in podium was taking her sweet time, and the people in line we're getting anxious and impatient. An airline captain with his roll-on bags walked past the end of the line and up to the gate. All the people in line yelled at the captain to wait at the end of the line, but the airline captain just ignored the jeers and kept on walking. He walked right past the front of the line, right past the check-in angel, and through the pearly white gates of Heaven. Irrate, the next person yelled at the angel: "Hey! Who was that?!? Why didn't he have to wait in line?!?" The check-in angel smiled and said, "Oh, that's God... he just thinks he's a pilot!"

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy walked down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time."

Q: How many flight attendants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 100. One to actually do it and 99 to bitch about it.

Q: How does a flight attendant tell a passenger to go to hell?
A: I'll be right back!