"Ladies and Gentlemen, sit the fuck down!" Each of us likes to add our own personal touch to those "oh-so-boring" announcements. Here's are some flight attendants' efforts to make the in-flight safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. If you have a funny announcement that you make or heard during a flight, please email fabp_2000@hotmail.com.

On an AA flight I was working after the safety PA's the purser made this announcment: "To enhance the appearance of our flight attendants, I will now be dimming the cabin lighting." (submitted by Tree).

My purser likes to make this announcement on Arrival: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we do realize that you have a choice in airlines and we sincerely thank you for choosing Air Canada. If you enjoyed your flight with us today, please tell all your friends, and if you didn't, I would ask that you write your complaint on a U.S. $100 bill and submit it to me upon deplaning. Thank you." (submitted by Jetwaiter).

"Ladies & Gentlemen, we would like to thank you for flying Valujet Flight 76. We hope you enjoyed your flight. If you did not, this has been United flight 375. Thank you and have a good evening. ( www.airlinestaff.com )

"Ladies & Gentlemen, for those of you on the left hand side of the aircraft, if you look out off the windows to your left, you'll get a wonderful view of Windsor Castle. For those of you on the right hand side... if you look on your left, you'll get a wonderful view of the people on the left hand side of the aircraft getting a wonderful view of Windsor Castle". ( www.airlinestaff.com )

Stewardess: "I'm sorry sir but I can't lift your heavy bag into the overhead locker. These are tits not muscles." ( www.airlinestaff.com )

Here is another from a very hot summer day on a Dash 8 with no AC. "Ladies and gentleman welcome on board -----. I would like to take a few moments of your time to point out the safety features of this DH8 aircraft. yada ------ yada---- yada--- . For further information please refer to the safety features card which you will find disguised as an air conditioning united in your left hand." (submitted by Kyle)

Here is one from a flight from Vancouver B.C. to Edmonton Alberta. After landing the flight attendant made this announcement: " Ladies and gentleman welcome to Edmonton. We would like to remind you that there is a time change here. Please set your clocks back 20 YEARS." (submitted by Kyle)

Ladies and Gentlemens, our aircraft has six emergengecy exits, two swimming pools, restaurants, bars and a fitness club... Now fasten your seatbelts, the captain will try to take off... (Submitted by Rain604)

Reno Announcement by F/A: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you are continuing on with us to Chicago you will have about 15 minutes to step off the aircraft and spread your legs and then we will continue with the reboarding process." (Submitted by Leslie).

I use this announcement only after a near perfect landing: "How about a great big round of applause for our Captain's first landing!" This always produces a loud roar and some very shocked passengers. During this moment of shock and gratitude, I add, "Just kidding". (Submitted by RenR).

"This aircraft is equipped with video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxi. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

"Folks, we have reached our crusing altitude now, so I am going to turn the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about the airplane as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it is a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane inmediately."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fellas. WHOA!"

After a particular rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

"Weather at our destinations is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said: "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, and it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphault!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with, "Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."

After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 1769. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, margarine cups will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child... pick your favorite.

United Airlines FA: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."

"Ladies and Gents, the Canadian federal law prohibits smoking during this flight. For those of you who desire to do so, a smoking section has been designated on the wings of the aircraft. You will then be enjoying our complimentary movie of the day : Gone with the wind..."

One of the new flight attendants was on her first flight, and made her first p/a: "Ladies and gentlemen, since the flying time to Phoenix is so short, there will be no service between the legs today."

After landing in Reno an FA announces: "Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special person on board our aircraft today. A gentleman who is 93 years old and is making his first airline flight, so as you exit the airplane please congratulate our Captain."