Alright, let's be honest: this job would be perfect if we could just get rid of all the stupid passengers. Now I know some of you wouldn't mind getting rid of ALL the passengers, but I'm talking about the one's who left their brains back at the security gate. You know the one's I'm talking about. The one's who ask you "Where are we at right now?" up in the airplane or "Why is it raining in LA?" Or how about "How come my bag doesn't fit in the overhead?" What would you really like to tell them, or for some of you, what have you told them? Please email your stories to fabp_2000@hotmail.com.
"Baby Aspirin", submitted by Queenadine, 12 May 2002.
Several years ago on a flight from New York to Paris, a French mother was
traveling alone with her two unruly toddlers; they were climbing on the
seats, pulling the window shades and tray tables up and down, fighting,
kicking the seats in front of them, etc. The fed up mother rang the call button, and when I appeared, asked me (in all seriousness) "Excuse me, Madame, do you have drugs for the children?" She wasn't asking for baby aspirin.
"Stupid Passenger Questions", submitted by Mari, 20 March 2001.
What are some of the dumbest? I'm sure there are tons more out there! Keep in mind that ALL of these were actually said at one time or another, on real flights.
1) "How do I know which plane is mine? I am going south to Miami and those planes say they are going Northwest on them."
2) "Which one is the ladies' room?"
3) "It's so loud back here, can they turn those things down?"
4) "How come you guys don't show a movie?" (this on a 30 min. flight)
5) "How far back is row 19?"
6) "It smells bad in here, could you open a window?" (this while on the ground, but still...)
7) "It says on the menu, "mixed green salad". What is that?"
8) (pointing at a glass of water), "What is that?"
9) "Why do they take dollars, and all speak English in Anchorage? Isn't Anchorage in Japan?"
10) Pax: "Can I have a coke?" F/A: "Coke with ice and lemon sir?" Pax: "Is the ice cold?"
11) (pax in business class) "I don't like this food. Can you get me a cheeseburger?"
12) Pax: "Don't I need a passport to get into Hawaii?" F/A: "What foreign country are you from?" Pax: "Texas."
13) "Which side is row 10 on?"
14) "Can I have my steak well done?"
15) Pax: "I'd like a Dr. Pepper". F/A: "I'm sorry we don't have Dr. Pepper." Pax: "Okay, I'll take a Diet Dr. Pepper."
16) "I have a connection on...(another carrier) Can you call them to hold the plane for me?"
17) "Can you put this in the microwave for me?"
18) "I need something from my suitcase. How do I get below to retrieve it?"
19) Pax: :Is the fish fresh?" F/A: "Why, yes it is! We just got a new fish net attached to the tail and it's working out great for us!"
20) Pax: (while boarding) "I'm at 33c, and make my steak well done." F/A: "Of course sir, and will you be dining out on the patio tonight?"
21) Pax: "That gentleman up there is too tall... I can't see the movie!" F/A: "Just a moment sir, I'll go see if I can make him shorter."
22) "I was told at the gate I could get an upgrade. Can you arrange that for me?"
23) Pax: "What city is that?" F/A: "Dilligaf." (short for "Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck", Iowa.)
"Mr. Peebody", submitted by JetNeec, 09 February 2001.
I work for express, I had to tell a pax to please take his seat because we
were making our final descent, he told me that he had to go to the bathroom. I said, "Sir, would you PLEASE be able to be seated until we land?" He was
upset, but what he did was take the water bottle, that I just gave him as a
beverage, and he poured the water out on the floor and mister "peebody"
pulled his wee wee out and he peed in the water bottle!!!!! I did not know
he did that at the time, but when he got off of the plane and I had to clean
the plane(What xpress FA's Do!) I found a water bottle inside of the seat
pocket full of PEE!!!! I was so angry, I wanted to go and get him and let
him know that he forgot something!!!!!!!!! THATS JUST "PLANE" NASTY!!!!!!!
"Shitty Diaper", submitted by Susan, 21 January 2001.
I don't know if you would qualify this story as funny or horror...A few
months ago I had a female passenger (notice I did not describe her as a
lady) traveling with an infant. She was seated one row away from the lav,
which was equipped with a changing table for babies. She proceeded to drop
the tray table and place her infant on it, and start changing a shitty
diaper. I told her very politely, "Oh ma'am, we have a changing facility
right here in the lavatory."....to which she replied..."Oh no, this is fine
with me." and she continued to change the baby. I told her "You don't
understand, people will be eating from this tray table and they don't get
disinfected nor wiped clean after every flight. ." she replied..."I don't
care." I walked away disgusted and told her what she should do with the
diaper. But, paybacks are hell, and later when we were doing our meal
service, I made sure that I was on the meal cart, and I deliberately dropped
her tray table and plopped her little sandwich and apple in a grey back right
down on the "contaminated" surface. You should have seen the look of
disgust on her face!!!
"Monkey Trouble", submitted by Sassy, 05 April 2000.
One day we were boarding, full daylight outside, all lights on in the cabin, I was walking through getting ready to start my passenger count. I walked by the row where I knew this elderly man was sitting, but noticed it rather odd as I walked by. He was sitting there with a blanket (provided by me) completely covering himself from head to toe. As I looked a little
further, I noticed some very intense up and down movements coming from his crotch area! I about died! So... as any flight attendant in their right mind would do, I decided to let the old lad be, ran up to the forward galley, grabbed my fellow flight attendant shrieking "oh my god, you gotta come see this". So, we walk to the back, I point the nasty man out, and sure enough,
he's still spankin' the monkey. To interrupt his little lovefest, we asked him to scoot his bag a little further underneath his seat. Needless to say, he didn't hear us. The other flight attendant, at that point, tapped him on the shoulder. He pulled down the blanket faster than i could blink, but didn't pull it past his beltline. He looked like a damn deer just caught in headlights!!! We asked him once again to move his bag up underneath the seat, and walked away. Needless to say, we ran to the back, and laughed our asses off. And another note... he managed to sleep all the way to his destination. Hmm... must have been good!!! p.s. yes, we made SURE the cleaners took the dern blanket off the aircraft once we deplaned.
"Throwing Peanuts", copied from
Out of the Blue,
18 March 2000.
For some reason, a drunken passenger began throwing peanuts at a well-built man across the aisle. The man was sitting with his wife, minding his own business. When the first peanut hit him in the face, he ignored it. After the second peanut struck him, he looked up to see who had thrown it. He threw a harsh look at the perpetrator, expecting him to cease immediately. When a third peanut hit him in the eye, he'd had enough. "Do that again," he warned, "and I'll punch your lights out." But the peanut-tossing passenger couldn't resist. He did it one last time. The victim got out of his seat, then triple-punched the assailant so hard that witnesses heard his jaw break. The plane was diverted to the closest airport and the peanut-tosser was kicked off.
"Deranged", copied from
Out of the Blue,
18 March 2000.
Passengers on a flight from Miami to San Juan, Puerto Rico, were stunned by the actions of one deranged passenger. He walked to the rear of the plane, then charged up the aisle, slapping passengers' heads along the way. Next he kicked a pregnant flight attendant, who immediately fell to the ground. As if that weren't enough, he then bit a young boy on the arm. At this point the man was restrained and handcuffed by crew members. He was arrested upon arrival.
"Baby Dung", copied from
Out of the Blue,
18 March 2000.
While a female flight attendant was serving food from the meal cart, a female passenger thrust a small bundle of trash toward her. "Take this," the passenger demanded. Realizing that the trash was actually a used baby diaper, the attendant instructed the passenger to take it to the lavatory herself and dispose of it. "No," the passenger replied. "You take it!" The attendant explained that she couldn't dispose of the dirty diaper because she was serving food -- handling the diaper would be unsanitary. But that wasn't a good enough answer for the passenger. Angered by her refusal, the passenger hurled the diaper at the flight attendant. It struck her square in the head, depositing chunks of baby dung that clung to her blond locks. The infuriated attendant leapt upon the passenger, strangling her until passengers could separate the two.
"Love Shack", copied from
Out of the Blue,
18 March 2000.
Seated side-by-side on a 14-hour overseas flight, two business-class passengers became romantically involved. At some point they began kissing and fondling each other while sitting in their seats. The passion became so intense that the couple began having sexual intercourse in their seats. Bewildered passengers immediately began ringing their flight attendant call buttons. Despite the flight attendants' urgent pleas, the couple refused to terminate their airborne lovemaking. Ultimately, the captain had to intervene. It was necessary for him to physically separate the lovers to get them to stop.
"Just Plane Stupid", submitted by Chateaufisk, 08 March 2000.
Just yesterday during our nonstop flight from SJU to ATL, a woman asked if the plane had STOPPED because nothing was moving outside. I told her "yup, we had to stop to get gas." No kidding!
"Herbal Essence", submitted by Bernadette, 22 February 2000.
I was working an ORD-CLT leg on an MD-80 over Super Bowl weekend. At level off, a female pax grabbed her bag and headed for the lav. Fifteen minutes later, she was still in there and the line was getting long. We asked if she was ok and she replied that she was fine. Five more minutes passed and we sent her boyfriend back to check on her. She told him she was fine. Another 10 minutes passed, at which time we told her she had 2 more minutes and we were coming in. The two minutes passed and we popped the lock. There she was, in her bra & panties, covered with soap from head to toe. Apparently she had seen that herbal essences shampoo commercial one time too many because she thought it was ok to take a bath in there. We had to ground the a/c in CLT for maintenance because she apparently couldn't read either-- she stuffed the toilet with paper towels rendering it inop.
"Glass of Water", submitted by Dan, 22 February 2000.
A lady asked me for some water, so I brought her a glass of water with ice in it, and just as I was about to hand it to her she said "Oh, I'm really sorry, but can I get a glass of water without ice? It's just that I'm allergic to ice..."
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