THIS IS A COLLECTION OF JOKES I HAVE RECEIVED FROM FRIENDS ALL OVER THE INTERNET - I HOPE THEY MAKE YOU CHUCKLE AS THEY DID ME!





THE STROKE OF TWELVE


Just after this guy gets married, he was invited out for a night with "the boys."

He accepts and then tells his new bride not to worry, because he'd "be home by midnight...promise!"

Well, the darts were landing just right and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. drunk as can be the guy finally stumbles home.

Just as he gets in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed three times.

Quickly he realized she'd probably been woken up by the clock, so he cuckooed another nine times to make her think it was midnight.

He was really proud of himself, having the quick wits, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

Next morning the missus asked him what time he got in and he tells her, "12 o'clock, dear!"

Whew! Got away with that one!

"Hmmm, I think we need a new cuckoo clock," she says over her morning coffee.

"Why is that?" the husband asks.

"Well, it cuckooed three times, said 'shoot,' cuckooed another four times, farted, cuckooed another three times, cleared its throat; cuckooed two more times, and then giggled."


WELL TRAINED HORSE





A rich man had just bought a large piece of countryside and decided he wanted to buy a fine horse to explore his land with.

He went to the nearest stable and asked the owner to show him the best horse they had. The wrangler took him around back and said, while pointing to a magnificent horse, "This 'ere is the finest horse we have sir.

But I have to tell you ahead of time that this fine animal was previously owned by a very religious man, so instead of saying 'giddeyup' you gotta say 'praise the Lord', and instead of saying 'whoa' you gotta say 'Amen'.

We tried to break him of the habit, but it was no use."

"Fair enough," said the man, "I'll buy the horse."

Later that evening, the rich man was riding his new horse across the unfamiliar land, when he lost track of where he was and began to worry.

Before he knew it, he could see the edge of a steep cliff looking over a ravine gradually getting nearer to him and his fast horse.

In a rush of panic, he started yelling, "Whoa! Stop! Please! Whoa, WHOA! NOOO! Stop!"

Of course, the horse continued at the same pace, heading right toward the ravine. Then, just yards before he and his horse fell into the ravine, the man finally remembered the key word and yelled out, "AMEN!!!"

The horse skidded to an abrupt halt; its hooves teetering on the edge of the cliff.

Then, letting out a dramatic sigh of the relief and wiping the sweat off his brow, the man said, "Oh, praise the Lord!"


ASHES TO ASHES - DUST TO DUST





Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend.

As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase - with ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to!"

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy rear end and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"


SMALL HOTEL





A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote,

"I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said,

"I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"


THE STINGY LAWYER





A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you."

  After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

  He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

  Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."





A LION TAMER?


Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

  The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

  "Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

   "Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

   "Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

   "Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

   "Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

   "Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

   "Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."





THE CORNY CARROT SAGA


One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over.

The unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.

Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be. After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out.

He walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to be alright. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his life".





BRAIN VS BRAWN


The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile,"All right. Get in."





THREE GENTLEMEN


Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"

Turning to the third gent, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age.'"





MY DOG!


A man answered his doorbell and a friend walked in followed by a very large and excited dog.

As they began talking, the dog knocked over a lamp and jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and began chewing on one of the pillows.

The outraged householder, unable to contain himself any longer, burst out, "Don't you think you should train your dog better?"

"My dog!" exclaimed the friend, surprised. "I thought it was your dog!"


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