and may trigger memories.
I am not sure but I have always felt it was tattooed on my forehead.
I was living my parent’s sin.
At least that is what I always believed.
It made more sense out of the madness of my early life.
I was just born into sin and I was to live it forever—burning in hell into eternity.
(Now with healing comes wisdom and I know now those thoughts
were only from the darkness of my tortured mind.
Depression is a bad teacher)
When I was around 8 months old, my mother married a man who was a widower.
He had 3 children.
A year later, my mother and stepfather had my little sister.
Through my mother’s insistence, my step-dad adopted me
and changed my name to his.
But he never drew me into his heart.
In 1964, I had an older stepbrother of 13 years,
an older stepsister of 9 years,
another older stepbrother of just 2 years older then I,
and a half sister of 2 years younger.
You would think we had a great family and it looked it on the outside.
But opening the doors, you can let out the screeching cat!
It was mainly my eldest stepbrother that caused all of the dismay.
He didn’t like the idea of my mother and me upsetting his home.
He didn’t want a new mother.
This is a normal problem with two families coming together
but He took it too far.
He refused to do anything mother asked of him,
he cursed her, and one time went as far as throwing her down the stairs.
Step-dad finally put his foot down about manhandling his stepmother.
That is when he turned to me.
I wasn’t his real sister and he took all of his hatred out on me.
He was 15 and I was 3 when he took over my life.
He started with scarring me at ever turn.
Hiding behind corners and jumping out,
not letting me pass down the stairs.
Sitting on me till his heavy weight cut off my breathing.
Throwing bugs and laughing at me.
Seemingly typical brotherly teasing, right?
But I was an easy going but shy child.
I believed his scary stories.
He was older and had a friend who was even scarier then he was.
His friend was 13 and much taller then my stepbrother.
He slept over sometimes and tried to peek in on
my stepsister when she was in the bathroom.
He had even scarier stories and scarier faces to show me.
Night of Terror
When my soul was stolen,
When my angel fell from grace.
Night of Torture
When my mind withdrew
When my angel hid her face.
One night I awoke to being carried up to the attic where there were 2 big rooms.
My eldest stepbrother put me down in the back room.
His scary friend was there.
I still don’t have all of the memory of how things started
but the next thing I remember is all of us were nude.
I was lying down with my legs open and my stepbrother
and his friend were putting marbles into my vagina.
I tried to sit up, get out of there
and they pushing me back down and told me sternly to stay still and shut up!
I lay very still trying not to cry.
I wondered where my mother was. I wanted her so much!
They had a camera and pretended to take pictures of my body.
Then they took the marbles out and joked that they were going
to leave a few in me so I rattled when I walked.
Then one of them sat on my chest,
pinned my arms under his knees and put his penis in my mouth.
I started to choke.
He closed my mouth around him and humped my face.
The other played with my vulva.
I thought I was going to stop breathing.
Panic set in even more then before!
When I was sure I was about to stop breathing, he got off of me.
I gasped the air into my crying lungs.
They didn’t feel my pain. They were not satisfied.
My stepbrother had ejaculated on me.
I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t like it at all!
My stepbrother’s friend opened my legs and laid on me.
He jumped his penis into me. His heavy weight crushed me with each thrust.
Searing pain whipped through me, sharpening every minute.
Finally, my mind snapped. I went outside of myself.
I shut the nightmare off.
I don’t know what happened next. I remember them whipping me with a cloth.
My stepbrother saying something about the blood better stop soon or I’ll give them away.
She better not tell her mother. Don’t worry was the friends reply, we wont’ let her.
The next 3 years were the start of the rest of my changed life.
It would be the basis for all of my stupid mistakes and depression.
It would haunt my dreams without me knowing what it was.
It would give me the wish to die.
For 3 years I never knew when they would come for me
or what they would do when they did.
Eventually it was just down to my stepbrother.
By 5 it was only here and there.
A little midnight feel under the blankets while he jerked off.
By then I was very good at leaving my mind.
At 6 it ended all together.
That is when He threw my mother down the stairs
and my step-dad threw him out.
He went to live with relatives but never came back to live again.
My eldest stepbrother and his friend had teased me mercilessly
in order to scare me into silence.
It worked.
The Scaring Tools
Add your name if you have been through any
child abuse
Add your name if you
have been through sexual child abuse
Put the Name of the one who Supported you
through your trials in The Rock of Support
Read other survivors stories and gain strength
Put your abusers name up for all to see
~Please bookmark this site first.~
Read
poetry from survivors or add your own
View Perp files in the wall of shame
~Please bookmark this site first.~
Find resources and books in Hope for Recovery
View Links or add your Link