My Odds And Ends

I am not a morning person, in spite of the fact that I was born at 6am.My Mother said that the robins were singing their hearts out while she waited for me to arrive .Strange that she didn't name me Robin. My bed is my very good friend, and some days I hate to leave it.

This is much more my image, a  night owl who can be found late at night pecking away at my keyboard, traveling  all over the world thanks to the marvels of the computer age. English is my native language and when I read the following poem, I was very glad that I had learned it effortlessly as a baby.

 THIS ENGLISH!

By Bill Huffer.

English is not a "user friendly "language, being inundated with many unrelated inconsistencies.

For example

I take it you all know of tough, bough ,cough and dough?

Others may stumble, but oh ,not you, on hiccough, thorough, slough and through. Well done!

And now you may wish, perhaps ,to learn of less familiar traps. So...

Beware of heard, a dreadful word, that looks like beard but sounds like bird.

And dead-it's said like bed, not bead. For goodness sakes don't call it deed!

Watch out for meat, and great and threat. They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother, nor both in bother or broth in brother.

And then there's dose and rose and lose. .just look them up. .and goose and choose.

A cork and work and cord and word and font and front and word and sword.

And do and go and thwart and cart. Come, come, you've hardly made a start.

If the singular is box, and the plural boxes why is the plural of ox not called oxes?

One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese, but the plural of moose is never named meese.

You may find a mouse or a whole nest of mice, yet a couple of houses are not referred to as hice..

If the plural is men and the singular man, why should not the plural of pan be named pen?

Cows in a herd may be called cows or kine,but if you show me one foot, both will be feet.

But if I give you a boot ,would a couple be beet?

The singular is this, and the plural is these, why isn't the plural of kiss called kese?

One may be that and two may be those, but a hat in the plural will never be hose..

The plural of cat is just cats and not cose, we speak of brother as brethern, then call on a mother, but never a methern.

The masculine pronouns are he, his or him, but the feminine never are she, shis or shim.

This language called English, you must agree, is the funniest language you'll ever see

I don't know how much truth there is in this, but it is certainly  interesting. 

LIFE IN THE 1500'S 

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water  temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to  be.  Here are some facts about the 1500's Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in  May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to  smell,  so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the  custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.    Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the  house had  the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then  the women and finally the children Last of all  the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose  someone  in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."  Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood  underneath.  It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other  small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became  slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and off the roof. Hence  the  saying "It's raining cats and dogs."  There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This  posed a  real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over  the  top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into  existence.  The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence  the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get  slippery  in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help  keep  their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until when  you  opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was  placed in the entranceway.  Hence the saying a "thresh hold."  (Getting quite an education, aren't you?) In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that   always  hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the  pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much  meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot  to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had  food  in it that had been there for quite a while.  Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge  in  the pot nine days old."  Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.  When  visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off It was a  sign  of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a  little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."   Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning  death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or  so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.  Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of  the  loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper  crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would   sometimes  knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the  road  would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid  out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather  around   and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the  custom  of holding a "wake."  England is old and small and the local folks started running out of  places  to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones  to a  "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out  of 25  coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized  they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the  wrist  of the corpse, lead it through  the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would  have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to  listen   for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the  bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."  And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring ! ! !.

? Health ?

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? Answer--Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise.  Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Answer--You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn; and what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient means of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables) And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  Answer-- No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? Answer--Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.  If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? Answer-- Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is NO Pain--Good!

Aren't fried foods bad for you? Answer--YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?  

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? Answer--Definitely not!  When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Is chocolate bad for me?  Answer-- Are you crazy?  HELLO, Cocoa beans!  Another vegetable!!!  It's the best feel-good food around!  

Is swimming good for your figure?  Answer--If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. 

Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? Answer--Hey! 'Round is a shape' 

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely, in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways- Chardonnay in one hand-chocolate in the other-body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 

""WOO HOO, WHAT A RIDE"?""

From the Washington Post Style Invitation,

in which it was postulated that the English language should have male
and female nouns, readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.

The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears
useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON -- male, because to get it to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under it...  and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES -- female, because they are soft and squeezable
and retain water.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue
hanging out.
COPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while
to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right
buttons are pushed.
Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
ZIPLOC BAGS -- male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY -- male, because it uses the same old lines to pick
people up.
HOURGLASS -- female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the
last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male.
But consider:
it gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps
on trying.

My niece Sheila sent me this. It points out a few more oddities in the English language.

AN OWED TO A SPELL CHECKER

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
it plainly marcs four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea

Eye strike a key and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye am wrong oar write
it shows me strait a weigh

as soon as a mist ache is maid
it nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
its rare lea ever wrong

eye have run this poem threw it
i am shore your pleased two no
its letter perfect awl the weigh
my checker tolled me sew.

More English Oddities

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.
(And this last could mean "gift" or "era of time ")

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

This comes from the Grandparents Web ring Newsletter

  Sent in by Julie via Tom

Join the Crusade against breast cancer..

The following story came from a hospital worker in Washington State.

A handsome, middle aged man walked quietly into the cafe and sat down.

Before he ordered, he couldn't help but notice a group of younger men
at the table next to him.  It was obvious they were making fun of something about him, and it wasn't until he remembered he was wearing a
small pink ribbon on the lapel of his suit that he became aware of what
the joke was all about. The man brushed off the reaction as ignorance, but the smirks began to
get to him.  He looked one of the rude men square in the eye, placed his
hand beneath the ribbon and asked, quizzically, "This?"
With that the men all began to laugh out loud.  The man he addressed
said, as he fought back laughter, "Hey, sorry man, but we were just
commenting on how pretty your little ribbon looks against your blue
jacket!" The middle aged man calmly motioned for the joker to come over to his
table and invited him to sit down.  As uncomfortable as he was, the
guy obliged, not really sure why.  In a soft voice, the middle aged man
said, "I wear this ribbon to bring awareness about breast cancer.  I
wear it in my mother's  honor."

"Oh, sorry dude.  She died of breast cancer?"
"No, she didn't.  She's alive and well.  But her breasts nourished me as
an infant, and were a soft resting place for my head when I was scared
or lonely as a little boy. I'm very grateful for my mother's breasts,
and her health."
"Umm", the stranger replied, "yeah."

"And I wear this ribbon to honor my wife," the middle aged man went on.
"And she's okay, too?" the other guy asked.

"Oh, yes.  She's fine.  Her breasts have been a great source of loving
pleasure for both of us, and with them she nurtured and nourished
our beautiful daughter 23  years ago.  I am grateful for my wife's
breasts, and for her health."

"Uh huh.  And I guess you wear it to honor your daughter, also?"
"No.  It's too late to honor my daughter by wearing it now.  My
daughter died of breast cancer one month ago.  She thought she was too
young
to have breast cancer, so when she accidentally noticed a small lump, she ignored it.  She thought that since it wasn't painful, it must not
be anything to worry about."

Shaken and ashamed, the now sober stranger said, "Oh, man, I'm so sorry
mister."

"So, in my daughter's memory, too, I proudly wear this little ribbon,
which allows me the opportunity to enlighten others. Now, go home and
talk to your wife and your daughters, your mother and your  friends.
And here."  The middle aged man reached in his pocket and handed the
other man a little  pink ribbon.

The guy looked at it, slowly raised his head, and asked, "Can you help
me put it on?"

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Some    web rings  that I belong to

This is some stories and poems that I like

This link is about my holiday in Newfoundland

This is more of my travels