What do you see when you look at me?
What do you see when you look into my eyes?
Do you see what they say?
Do you see what's going on inside me?
Do you have a clue about what I am?
of what I have been?
of what I should be?
Do you even want to know?
Do you want to know me?
Want to know how I feel inside?
Do you know what I try not to show?
Do you even care?
Who is it important to?
These things all screwed up inside me?
All mixed up, fucked up & torn up~
Who do I talk to? Who do I tell?
I don't even know where to begin...or where to finish~
I wouldn't know where, how or when~
How is it I can sit and listen,
to anything, take it all in,
and not fall completely apart?
Not scream, yell, stomp, hit...
throw a total and complete fit like I'd like too?
How is it, with all this shit inside me,
I can still look at you, and still love you?
Love you with all my heart and being...
even with all the hurt, pain & rage I feel inside?
What is it that keeps me loving you?
Even at times when I've hated you?
I have too many questions,
and don't have any of the answers~
But can you tell me what you see,
when you look at me?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~Why?~
~11-21-98~

I feel consumed with an overwhelming saddness~
I can't let it beat me,
but I don't have the strength or
the want to fight it~
Right now would be a great time to be a drinker,
or a druggie, something, ANYthing to get me thru this~
I can't stand the emptiness,
the loneliness, the horrible, stinging pain inside~
Why can't I push it away?
I've always been able to before,
stick it away somewhere in my mind,
in a little drawer, only opening it
just slightly ever so often,
but not really acknowledging what was there~
Now, I can't even shut that drawer,
which is now what seems to have grown into a whole house~
A house full of saddness, full of bad,
sad, painful memories...memories worse
than they ever were before~
I need to confront these feelings,
head on, so I can over come them,
forget about them, but it hurts too much,
so I remain miserable...with no way to get away
from my own mind...no escaping this reality...
this sick, warped, screwed up reality that was my life~
How can now be real?
when everything that came before wasn't?
Everything that came before,
everything that was just a mask,
covering up the true, real shit that was my life~
I don't like holidays,
I don't like birthdays,
I don't like anniversarys...
any kind of celebrating brings it all to the surface...
there's bad, hurtful memories for every occasion~
I have to get it together, it's not the kids fault,
I shouldn't shut them out,
they need me to be they're mom,
to teach them right from wrong,
to know what's good and bad~
I feel like shit, worthless,
no good to anybody...and I must deserve the way I'm
feeling, I must have been the worst wife ever,
otherwise, why? why is this happening?
why did ALL of it happen?
I'm stupid, a stupid, STUPID person,
who hasn't stood up for themself
anywhere NEAR enough!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~There Could be Light~
~11-21-98~

In my darkened mood,
I've found a glimmer of hope,
a sparkling of light~
Talk and honesty helps me...much more than I realized~
Feeling I'm going thru this,
all by myself, really brings me down,
pulls me down so I feel like hundreds of boulders
are piled on my back and head~
But letting out the tears and frustration,
the words I keep locked inside,
lifts off some of those boulders,
lets in some glimmer of of hope,
some beams of light,
and maybe that flower will bloom again one day~