*Forever Changed*

Can you see the change in me?
It may not be so obvious to you
I participate in family activities.
I attend family reunions..
I help plan holiday meals.
You tell me you're glad to see
that I don't cry anymore.
But I do cry!
When everyone has gone
- when it is safe-
the tears fall.
I cry in privacy so my family won't worry.
I cry until I am exhausted
and can finally sleep.
You tell me you admire my strength
and my positive attitude.
But I am not strong,
I feel that I have lost control;
and I panic
when I think about tomorrow....
next week....
next year.
I go about the routine of my job.
I complete my assigned tasks.
I drink coffee and smile.
You tell me you are glad to see I'm "over"
the death of my loved one.
But I'm not "over" it.
If I get over it,
I will be the same as
before my loved one died.
I will never be the same.

At times I think
I am beginning to heal
, but the pain of losing someone
I loved so much
has left a permanent scar on my heart.
I visit my neighbors.
You tell me that you're glad
to see I'm holding up so well.
But I'm not holding up well.
Sometimes I want to lock the
door and hide from the world.
I spend time with my friends,
I seem calm and collected.
I smile when appropriate.
You tell me
it's good to see me
back to my "old self"
But I will never be back to my "old self".
Death and grief, have touched my life....
and I am changed forever.

~Author Unknown~