Thanks  for all who send me these jokes includuding www.mainstrike.com  daily joke
and www.funnybone.com

~~~ The Directions ~~~
 ¤  Points are at the end of each question.
 ¤  Keep score as you go along.
 ¤  Add the points together after the last question.
 ¤  Compare your total score to the table at bottom to find your Sleaze Quotient..

~~~ The  Quiz -- AND BE HONEST, DAMMIT!!! ~~~
1. Ever laughed at someone else's misfortune? (1 point)
2. Ever laughed at a physically or mentally handicapped person? (2 points)
3. Ever tried alcohol? (1 point)
4. Ever been drunk? (2 points)
5. Ever play drinking games? (2 points)
6. Ever fall down because you drank too much? (3 points)
7. Ever drink enough to throw up? (4 points)
8. BONUS: Throwing up on yourself or another person (1 extra point)
9. Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? (5 points)
10. Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? (8 points)
11. Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? (5 points)
12. Do you drink regularly...at least 3 times a week? (3 points)
13. BONUS: 1 extra point for each additional day [7 points max]
14. Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? (4 points)
15. Ever try pot, hash or mushrooms? (4 points for each)
16. Do you do drugs regularly? (4 points)
17. BONUS: 4 times a week? (4 extra points)
18. Ever bought "soft drugs"? (4 points)
19. Ever sell drugs? (8 points)
20. Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? (12 points)
21. Ever use barbituates? (8 points)
22. Ever use hallucinogens? {ie. LSD} (8 points)
23. Ever use narcotics? (10 points)
24. Ever been stoned or drunk for more than 48 hours? (8 points)
25. Ever been on a date? (2 points)
26. Ever been felt up or groped? (2 points)
27. BONUS: Orgasm? (2 extra points)
28. Ever had sexual intercourse? (6 points)
29. BONUS: On the first date? (2 extra points)
30. Ever taken a bath or shower with someone of the opposite sex? (5 points)
31. Ever paid for sex? (8 points)
32. Ever taken advantage of someone while they were stoned or drunk? (4 points)
33. Ever get someone stoned or drunk to obtain sexual favors and succeed? (8 points)
34. Ever engage in oral sex? (4 points)
35. BONUS: Orgasm? (2 extra points)
36. Ever engage in anal sex? (6 points)
37. BONUS: Orgasm? (2 extra points)
38. Ever engage in the 69 position? (4 points)
39. Ever contract an STD? (12 points)
40. Ever have sex without a contraceptive? (4 points)
41. Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? (12 points)
42. Ever have sex with two or more partners in a week? (4 points)
43. Ever had sex with more than one person at a time? (9 points)
44. Ever had sex in a public place? (6 points)
45. Ever had carpet burns in relation to a sexual act? (4 points)
46. Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? (10 points)
47. Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? (8 points)
48. Ever use sex toys? (6 points)
49. Ever pass out during sex? (5 points)
50. Ever been responsible for taking someone else's virginity? (4 points)
51. Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? (3 points)
52. Ever bought anything in a sex shop? (3 points)
53. Ever lick or have someone lick your: Eyeball (1 point) Toes (2 points) Ears (1 point)
54. Ever have sex with a relative? (5 points)
55. Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? (6 points)
56. Do necrophelia, pedophilia, and/or bestiality turn you on? (20 points)
57. Ever been arrested? (8 points)
58. BONUS: Convicted? (7 extra points)

~~~ The Sleaze Quiz Scoring ~~~
    0 - 20   The Church is too corrupt for you.
   21 - 40   You barely make the scale. Is your heart beating?
   41 - 60   Approaching normal. You aren't much fun on a date, are you?
   61- 100   Normal. You use your right hand just like most everyone else.
   101-130   Above average. You've got a few tricks below the belt.
   131-160   You're enjoying life to the max, you hedonist, you.
   161-200   You're a danger to society. We'll see you on COPS.
   201 -up   You're GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!!!  Get with the Program! NOW!!!

Dirty, Dirty Bird...
***********************************************

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would
like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear
it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of
the store and asked how much.  The owner said it was $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
house of ill repute. Sometimes it says pretty off color stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.  She hung the bird's cage up in her living
room and waited for it to say something.  The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New
house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad."

A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school.  When they
inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new prostitutes."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work.  The bird looked at him and said,
"New house, new madam, new prostitutes; same old faces.  Hi George!"

 What people mean when they say.......
******************************************

I'll call you later.
(I don't want to speak to you again)

We can still be friends.
(I want to use you later on but on my terms)

You look fine.
(I've seen nuclear waste dumps that look better)

We'll only be there a little while.
(A little while in geological terms)

First in owner loyalty.
(We have the most people who want to sacrifice our cars)

Rock bottom prices.
(Yes, the prices put your checkbook between a rock and a hard place)

Once in a lifetime offer.
(If you only live for a day)

Limited edition only.
(Offered for less than two years)

She's a very nice girl.
(Unless you happen to be a guy)

I really care for the people.
(As long as they bribe me right)

Critics raved about this movie.
(Yes, they raved about how horrible it was)

First, write the numbers 1-11 in a column.
 Then in the first and second spaces, fill any two numbers you
like.
If you're a female, write two males' names in the 3rd and 7th spaces, or if
you're a male, write females names.
 Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th,  and 6th
spaces.
 Write four song titles in 8,9,10 and 11.
Finally, make a wish...
And here is the key for that game...
You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game in
 (the number in space 1) days in order to make your wish come true.
The name in 3 is the one you love.
The person in 7 is the one you like but can't work out.
You care most about the person you put in 4.
 Fifth is the one you knows you very well.
The name in 6 is your lucky star.
The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in 3.
The title in 9 is the song for 7.
 The tenth space is the song tell you about your mind.
And 11 is the song telling what you feel for sex......

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won t wanna be
around to smell it).  So, here s my holiday wish list:

1.  A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt.  I m sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and
Velcro crawling up your butt?

2.  Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white.  What bonehead at Mattel decided to
cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3.  A REAL man...maybe G.I.  Joe.  Hell, I d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what s with that earring anyway? If I m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4.  Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5.  Breast reduction surgery.  I don t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6.  A jogging bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7.  A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don t cut it.  How about a systems analyst? Or better
yet, an advertising account exec.

8.  A new, more 90 s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip
cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a
fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald s endorsements.  The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10.  Mattel stock options.  It s been 37 years.  I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that s it.  Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don t think these requests are
out of line.  If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas.  It s that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie

Scared Straight...
***********************************************

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas.  The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a
worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to
say the least, rude.

Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft
music...anything he could think of.  Nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird, and the bird got
worse.  He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard
the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with
my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness.  I will endeavor to correct my
behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude wand was about to ask what had changed
him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 

Do What He Says...
***********************************************

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a
skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it.
Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told
me he thinks you are really cute!"

Dictionary of Performance
Evaluation Comments...
***********************************************

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee
work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

1. AVERAGE:
     Not too bright.
2. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
     Has committed no major blunders to date.
3. ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
     Drinks heavily.
4. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
     Opinionated.
5. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
     Still one step ahead of the law.
6. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
     Will stick with us until retirement.
7. QUICK THINKING:
     Offers plausible excuses for errors.
8. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
     Conceited.
9. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
     Buys drinks for superiors.
10. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
     Knows more than superiors.
11. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
     A real jerk.
12. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
     Knows when to keep mouth shut.
13. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
     Finds someone else to do the job.
14. A KEEN ANALYST:
     Thoroughly confused.
15. NOT A DESK PERSON:
     Did not go to college.
16. EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
     Can string two sentences together.
17. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
     Miserable home life.
18. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
     Scared.
19. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
     A nitpicker.
20. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
     Has a loud voice.
21. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
     Lucky.
22. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
     A snob.
23. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
     Knows lots of dirty jokes.
24. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
     Stubborn.
25. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
     A coward.
26. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
     Stupid.
27. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
     Turns in work on time.
28. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
     Wanted by no-one else.
29. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
     An office gossip.
30. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
     Lazy and hard-headed.
31. HARD WORKER:
     Usually does it the hard way.
32. ENJOYS JOB:
     Needs more to do.
33. HAPPY:
     Paid too much.
34. WELL ORGANIZED:
     Does too much busywork.
35. COMPETENT:
     Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
36. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
     Pain in the ass.
37. WILL GO FAR:
     Relative of management.
38. SHOULD GO FAR:
     Please.
39. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
     Clock watcher.
40. VERY CREATIVE:
     Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
41. USES RESOURCES WELL:
     Delegates everything.
42. DESERVES PROMOTION:
     Create new title to make him/her feel appreciated.

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.  In order to better serve your needs, He
asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not
disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth
__ Near Death Experience
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Other (specify): _____________
 

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?  Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Horoscope
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Ann Landers
__ Self-help books
__ Sex
__ Biorythms
__ Alcohol or drugs
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Other: _____________________
__ None

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt
presence and blind faith.  Which would you prefer (circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
    Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1   2   3   4   5

b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1   2   3   4   5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's
services?  (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________
__________________________________________________

Thank you!

28 of the World's Biggest Lies...
***********************************************

1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'll respect you in the morning.
3. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
4. It's only a cold sore.
5. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
6. My wife doesn't understand me.
7. Trust me, I'll take care of everything.
8. Of course I love you.
9. I am getting a divorce.
10. Drinking? Why, no, Officer.
11. I never inhaled.
12. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
13. I never watch television except for PBS.
14. ...but we can still be good friends.
15. She means nothing to me.
16. Dont worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
17. I gave at the office.
18. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
19. I'll call you later.
20. We'll release the upgrade by the end of the year.
21. Read my lips: no new taxes
22. I've never done anything like this before
23. Now, I'm going to tell you the truth
24. It's supposed to make that noise.
25. I *love* your new _____!
26. ...then take a left.  You can't miss it.
27. Yes, I did.
28. Don't worry, it's OK -- I'm sterile.

 An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman  noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

 "Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we  make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we
 make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we  make love."

 The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying!
 You should be the happiest man in the world!"

 So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where  I live!"

Bad Day

A fellow went to work one day and was met at the door by his boss.
"You're fired, and there may be a summons for your arrest out of this!"
the boss exclaimed. The fellow then started to drive home when the steering went out on his car and he ran into a carload of nuns. After the policeman let him go with the collection of tickets, he called his insurance company, only to find out that his wife forgot to send in the premium payment and that his insurance ran out last week. On his way
home, he stopped into the bank to get some money and found out that his wife had been there earlier with his best friend and emptied the accounts. After leaving the bank, he was on his way home and saw the
fire engines heading down his street. Upon arriving at his house, he discovered that it was indeed his house on fire. The fire chief was sure that it was going to be a total loss. Again, calling the insurance company, he found that the homeowner's insurance also had been canceled.

By now the fellow was somewhat depressed and went into the local bar. As he was telling his troubles to the bartender the bartender said, "You've got the chance of a lifetime. All your obligations are gone and you can
start all over. Why don't you take this bucket, go up to Huckleberry Hill, pick huckleberries, and go door to door selling them." Well, this sounded O. K. to the fellow, so off he went. After picking most of the day he finally had enough berries to sell. At the first house he stopped at the woman said that she would indeed take all his huckleberries but would he mind coming around to the back door. As the fellow got to the back door the woman opened it and was totally nude. (And not hard on the eyes.) The fellow just broke down and was weeping hysterically. The woman was quite beside herself and asked what the problem was. The fellow answered "I've lost my job, my car is ruined, my wife ran off with my best  friend taking all my money, my house burned down, all m!
y insurance has been canceled, and now... You're going to screw me out of my huckleberries."

An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to
take a power memory class, where they teach one to remember things by
association.  Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much
the class helped him.

"Who was the Instructor?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh, let's see," pondered the man.  "Umm...what's that flower, you know,
the one that smells real nice but has those thorns...?"

"A rose?" offered the neighbor.

"Right," said the man.  He then turned toward his house and shouted,
"Hey, Rose, what's the name of the guy we took that memory class from?"