Thanks  for all who send me these jokes includuding www.mainstrike.com  daily joke
and www.funnybone.com

Check this out:
* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!
* Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and  shakers!
* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won't show you!
* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it's for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:
"I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president.
... Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
* M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues; although that's not to say that "long, hot and touchy" isn't a pretty fair description of this unique opportunity.

Still interested?
Fill out this information form and send it back to the  White House at president@whitehouse.gov

Name:
Hometown:
Sex: F__
Age:
Measurements: (required for medical purposes)
How many beers it takes to get you:
Giggly:
Drunk:
Hot:
To get you to lie to a Federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:
You've always considered the White House:
a) a monument to democracy
b) the place where great leaders meet
c) vaguely erotic
d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):
a) model wife and mother
b) icon of late 20th century feminity
c) obstacle
d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You've always wanted to know more about the President's:
a) Israel policies
b) childhood in Hope, Ark.
c) romper room
d) "monument of democracy"

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:
a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns
b) reading, study
c) late nights working at the White House
d) late nights working the White House

Score
1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 four each d.

Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you.
*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

 A father polar bear and a baby polar bear were walking across the ice  when the  baby polar bear said to his dad "Dad, am I part panda bear?" "No",  replied his  dad. "Well then, am I part brown bear?" Again his dad said no. A short  time later  the baby bear asked again, "Dad, maybe I'm part koala bear?" The father  getting  annoyed said, "look son, I'm a polar bear, your mums a polar bear. Why  on earth  do you keep asking for?!" "Because," the baby bear said,"I'm bloody  freezing!!".

 This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a  friend.
 He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

 While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this  whistle --
 Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.

 Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
 ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal  injuries, a  few broken bones, and some bruises.

 After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house  attending a  party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea  kettle whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds  to batter  and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His  friend, hearing  the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the  desert  man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

 The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're  small."

Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process.  The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week."  But there is now a great way to blow a woman off.  It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you.
It's at your fingertips right now:  E-mail.  That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy.  You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of  your keyboard.  And you can delete her response without ever reading it.

What could be more painless?

Following is an email rejection letter:  Men can use it the next time they need to put their  main squeeze on notice.  The text of the letter follows:

Dear (her name),

       I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name).  As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.  I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
       So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:

(men will check those that apply)

_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

______My breasts are bigger than yours.

______Your height is out of proportion with your weight.  If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?"  were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

(Your name)

"Oh, great!  NOW she opens her mouth!"

He wants Marv Albert to do the interview.

Swallow the Leader.

Deep throat brought down both their presidencies.

 Each year, someone on the Internet posts an article giving credit to  people who are proving Darwin correct.  This years Darwin Awards  runner-ups are:

 ************************
 When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from  a motor home parked on a  Seattle street, he got much more than he
 bargained for.  Police arrived  at the scene to find an ill man  curled up next to a motor home near  spilled sewage. A police
 spokesman said that the man admitted to trying  to steal gasoline and  plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage  tank
 by  mistake.  The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying  that  it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

  *****************
  A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there  was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called  the phone and  told the guy that answered that he had read the ad  in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car.  They arranged to  meet, and the thief was arrested.

  ***************
  45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a  mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were  packed  in  the engine compartment of the car which she had  brought to the  mechanic for an oil change. According to police,  Brasher later said  that she didn't realize that the mechanic  would have to raise the hood  to change the oil.

  *****************
  David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I, after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest  four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in  PENNIES,  weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger  during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him  from behind.

   *****************
  The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said he couldn't  have done it  because he was busy breaking into a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for breaking into the school.

 *****************

 Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in March in  Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The  prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge"  in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said  Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in  court. He handed  it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he  required a five-minute recess to compose himself.

 ******************

 Clever drug traffickers used a propane tanker truck entering El Paso from Mexico. They rigged it so propane gas would be released from all  of its valves while the truck concealed 6,240 pounds of  marijuana. They were clever, but not bright.  They misspelled the  name of the gas  company on the side of the truck.
 

 *******************

 Oklahoma City - Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager  testified  that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of  lying and then said, "I should of blown your [expletive]  head off."  The  defendant paused, then quickly added, "-if I'd been the one that was there."  The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.

  ******************

 R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officers asked  him for a piece of identification. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed that  Gaitlin  was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis,  Missouri.
 ___________________________

  And The Year's Best Headlines are.....

 Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

 Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

 Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

 Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

 Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

 Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

 Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

 British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

 Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

 Eye Drops Off Shelf

 Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

 Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

 Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

 Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

 Stolen Painting Found by Tree

 Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years at Checkout Counter

 Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

 War Dims Hope for Peace

 Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

 Deer Kill 17,000

 Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

 Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

 New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

 Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

 Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

 Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

 New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

 Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt."  Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.  Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc..  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple
produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.  After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.  Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt.  Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual ceremony,  The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.  Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He recently returned with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

 Great Cowboy Quotes

 "Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life"

 There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

 Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.

 If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

 Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

 If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

 Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

 Always drink upstream from the herd.

 If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

 When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person,  don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

 The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees.

 Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it.
As for the quiche, continue to  let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.

 Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so  important
 to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

 The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and  put it back in  your pocket.

 Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never  opened, small stain.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
* Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
* I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
* I intend to live forever - so far, so good
* I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
* If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
* Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
* Mind Like  A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
* Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
* Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
* Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
* The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
* When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
* 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
* When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
* Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
* I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
* How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
* Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
* Wear short sleeves!  Support your right to bare arms!
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* Black holes are where God divided by zero.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Two salesmen, Joe and Mike were stranded by a winter storm and took
refuge in an old farmhouse occupied by an attractive single woman.

In the middle of the night, Joe heard Mike sneak out of bed and into the
woman's room.  Joe said nothing about it until nine months later when a
registered letter arrived at his office.

Clutching the letter, he walked into Mike's office.  "Do you remember the
night we were stranded by that snowstorm and you sneaked out of your
room to be with that woman?" he asked.

"Yes," Mike replied.  "You told her you were me, didn't you?"
Joe demanded.  "Yes, I did," Mike said nervously.  "Why do you ask?"
"Because," Joe replied, "she just died and left me a fortune!"

 Elevator talk

A guy and a gal meet in a Hospital elevator.
The guy asks, "Which floor?"
The gal says, "Third floor."
The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, "Oh, going to give blood, I see."
She says, "Yup, it's worth $30.00. Which floor are you going  to?"
He replies, "Sixth."   She says, "Oh, that's the sperm bank!"  He nods and says, "Right! and it's worth $60.00!"
A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator  again.
The guy says, "Well, hello again. Third floor again?"
The gal, mouth tightly closed, cheeks puffed out, shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again.  "How
about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says. "This is my final offer.
I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in.
"Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the damned Volvo, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"

The plane spins out of control, the power fails, and they feel themselves spinning to earth.

Miraculously, they emerge from the plane unscathed, and find that it is a sparkling clear and sunny day.  The plane has landed right at the beginning of a yellow brick road that stretches toward the horizon, where a gleaming emerald skyline can be seen.  Clearly, they are not in Kansas anymore.

Al Gore says, "Guys, I think it's obvious what has happened, and I have no idea if we'll ever get back to Washington, but just in case, I am going to see if I can get a heart as long as I am here."
Dan Quayle says, "Good idea.  I think that I'll try to get a brain."
Bill Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?

- Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.

- Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.

- Acura NSX - I am impotent.

- Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.

- Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.

- Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesperson.

- Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.

- Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating up people.

- Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.

- Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.

- Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.

- Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.

- Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.

- Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.

- Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.

- Ford Escort - I'm a red-headed nanny.

- Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)

- Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.

- Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph & change lanes when I pull up behind them.

- Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.

- Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.

- Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.

- Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.

- Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.

- Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.

- Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.

- Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.

- Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Diahatsu Corp.

- Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.

- Mercury Grand Marquis - (See Lincoln Town Car)

- Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.

- Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.

- Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an 18-wheeler.

- MGB - I am dating a mechanic.

- Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.

- Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.

- Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.

- Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.

- Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.

- Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.

- Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchannan is a tad bit too liberal

- Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)

- Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car.

- Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet

- Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch The Partridge Family

- Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet

- Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now

- Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife