Thanks  for all who send me these jokes includuding www.mainstrike.com  daily joke
and www.funnybone.com

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history
and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I
learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine,
I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the
tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to make love to her.
Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY
WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

Taken partially from Austin American-Statesman

10) Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9) It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8) In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7) It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6) The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5) Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4) The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3) The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2) The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1) You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
 

1.  If I like it, it's mine.

2.  If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5.  If it's mine, it must never appear
    to be yours in any way.

6.  If I'm doing or building something,
    ALL the pieces are mine.

7.  If it looks just like mine, it IS mine.

8.  If I saw it first, it's mine.

9.  If you are playing with something and you  put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's YOURS.

AH!  Political correctness strikes again.
Political correctness is defined as having the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

* He does not have a beer gut; he develops a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

* He is not quiet; he is a Conversational Minimalist.

* He does not have a fabulous rear end; he has achieved Buttocks Perfection.

* He is not stupid; he suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

* He does not get lost all the time; he discovers Alternative Destinations.

* He is not balding; he is in Follicle Regression.

* You do not buy him a drink; you initiate an Alcohol-For-Conversation Exchange.

* He does not fart and belch; he is Gastronomically Expressive.

* His jeans are not too tight; he is Anatomically Undercirculated.

* He is not a redneck; he is a Genetically-Related American.

* You do not kiss him; you become  Facially Conjoined.

* He is not a cradle robber; he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

* He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

* He does not act like a total ass; he develops a Case Of Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

* He is not short - he is Anatomically Compact.

* He does not have a rich daddy; he is a Recipient Of Parental Asset Infusion.

* He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a Vehicular Addiction.

* He does not have a hot body; he is Physically Combustible.

* He is not unsophisticated; he is Socially Malformed.

* He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

* He does not hog the blankets; he is Thermally Unappreciative.

* He is not a sex machine; he is Romantically Automated.

* He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has Swine Empathy.

* You do not undress him with your eyes; you have an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

* He is not afraid of commitment; he is Monogamously Challenged.
 

  How Dogs Are Better Than Men

    1.Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
    2.Dogs miss you when you're gone.
    3.You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
    4.Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
    5.Dogs don't criticize your friends.
    6.Dogs admit when they're jealous.
    7.Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
    8.Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).
    9.Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.
   10.Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
   11.No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
   12.You can train a dog.
   13.Dogs are easy to buy for.
   14.Dogs are good with kids.
   15.Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
   16.You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
   17.Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
   18.The worst social disease you can get fron dogs is fleas. (OK). The *really* worst disease you can get from them is
        rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
   19.Dogs understand what 'no' means.
   20.Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
   21.Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
   22.Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
   23.Dogs do not read at the table.
   24.Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
   25.You can house train a dog.
   26.You can force a dog to take a bath.
   27.Dogs don't correct your stories.
   28.Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
   29.Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
   30.Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
   31.Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
   32.Dogs look at your eyes.
   33.Dogs like your size.
   34.Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
   35.Dogs are nice to your relatives.
   36.Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

  How Dogs and Men Are the Same

    1.Both take up too much space on the bed.
    2.Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
    3.Both are threatened by their own kind.
    4.Both mark their territory.
    5.The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
    6.Neither does any dishes.
    7.Both fart shamelessly.
    8.Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
    9.Both are suspicious of the postman.
   10.Neither understands what you see in cats.

  Where Dogs Fall Down

    1.Men only have two feet that track in mud.
    2.Men can buy you presents.
    3.Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.
    4.Men are a little bit more subtle.
    5.Men open their own cans.
    6.Dogs have dog breath all the time.
    7.Men can do math stuff.
    8.Holiday Inns accept men.
    9.Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.

***********************************************
Top Ten Things That Will Be Different
When Microsoft Starts Building Cars...
***********************************************

1)  The stereo system will only be able to listen to Microsoft FM and play Microsoft cassettes.

2)  Oil...gas...and temperature gauges replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.

3)  To turn on the air conditioner, you'll have to shut the car down for two minutes and restart it.

4)  Occasionally, your car will stop and fail to restart, and you ll have to reinstall the engine to get it going again.

5) When you call the service department...they'll tell you it's not their fault and blame it on the company that made the tires.

6) Before the air bag deploys...it will ask "are you sure?"

7) To make right turns...you'll have to upgrade to Microsoft Steering Wheel 2.0

8) Apple will make a car that's faster...more reliable...and easier to drive...but it will only run on five percent of the roads.

9) If you can't afford to buy a new car, you can just borrow one from a friend and copy it.

And the number one thing that'll be different when Microsoft starts building cars...

10) If you're involved in a crash...you'll have no idea why.

WAYS TO ANNOY YOUR PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLMATE:

1.  Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say "Uh,Oh, I knew I should't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Say "Now how did that get there?"

8. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling
    "Whoa! Easy boy!"

9. Say "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."

10. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce
in the back garden.  When is the best time to plant
them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back
garden.  That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from
his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened,
some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up
all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the
lettuce."

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work
in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she
did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful
bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired
of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained.
"Twice each day, in the morning and in the evening,
I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they
turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his
advice and proceeded to expose herself to her
plants twice daily.  Two weeks passed and her
neighbor stopped by to check her progress.  "So",
he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly... "But you should see
the size of my cucumbers!

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons", where

:) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "asscons"?

Here goes:

         (_!_)      a regular ass

         (__!__)    a fat ass

         (!)        a tight ass

         (_._)      a flat ass

         (_^_)      a bubble ass

         (_*_)      a sore ass

         (_!__)     a lop-sided ass

         {_!_}      a swishy ass

         (_o_)      an ass that's been around

         (_O_)     an ass that's been around even more

         (_x_)     kiss my ass

         (_X_)     leave my ass alone

        (_zzz_)    a tired ass

         (_o^o_)   a wise ass

         (_13_)     an unlucky ass
 
           (_7_)     a lucky ass

        (_$_)     Money coming out of his ass
 
 
         (_qsi_)    a qsi ass (and you all know who you are !!)`

        (_?_)   Dumb Ass
 

 Accountants do it with Double Entry
 Acupuncturist do it with a small prick
 Ambulance driver comes quicker
 Australians do it Down Under
 Bach did it using the organ
 Bankers do it with interest
 Bartenders do it on the Rocks
 Batman does it using his Robin
 Bookeepers do it for the record
 Bosses delegate the task to others
 Chess players check their Mates
 Cops do it with cuffs
 DJs do it on request
 Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
 Dentist do it orally
 Detectives do it under cover
 Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
 Elevator men do it up and down
 Engineers do it to specifications
 Engineers do it to a first order approximation
 Firemen do it with a big hose
 Frank Sinatra does it his way
 Garbagemen come twice a week
 Gardeners do it on the bushes
 Gas attendants Pump all day
 Golfers do it in 18 holes
 Landlords do it every 1st of the month
 Managers make others do it
 Marketing reps do it on comission
 Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free
 Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
 Zoologists do it with animals
 Programmers do it with hardware ;)
 

 Education in the 90's
 
 Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 11-year-old  grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she  asked. "Sex  education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse  and stuff," he  replied matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the  conversation to her daughter. Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is the  Nineties. These days it's all part of the curriculum."
 
 A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter  announced that dinner was ready.  Grandmother walked past her grandson's  bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating.  "Sonny,"  she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs  to eat."

 There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for  nearly forty years.  The only friction in their marriage was caused by  the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke.  The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell would cause her  eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
 
 Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop, all to no avail.  He told her that he couldn't help it.  She begged him to see a doctor to  see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it.  He  told her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he would  laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands.  She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't  stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out".
 
 The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband  continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one  Christmas morning.  Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the  family feast.  She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and  of course a turkey.  While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a  thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's  problem.
 
 With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl  and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would  awake.   While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers  and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts.  She then  placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled  them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish  preparing the family meal.
 
 Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass  trumpeting.  This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the  sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom.  The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she  rolled on the floor laughing.
 
 After years of putting up with his nonsense, she had finally gotten  even.  About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his  blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her  lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.
 
 He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me and I  didn't listen to you".  "What do you mean?" asked his wife.  "Well you  always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days  and today it finally happened.  But by the grace of God and these two  fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

 A guy is sitting at the bar drinking to drown his sorrows. A beautiful  woman sits down next to him, orders a double,and sighs deeply.  He  turns to her and asks her, "So what's wrong in your life?"
 
 She hardly glances at him and says, "My husband left me today."  He says, "What a coincidence.  My wife left me today."
 
 They keep drinking for a few minutes and then he asks her, "So why did  he leave you?"  She looks at him and says, "He said he couldn't stand  living with me anymore."
 
 He says, "What a coincidence!  My wife said she couldn't stand living  with me anymore, too."
 
 They drink some more and then he asks her, "So what couldn't he stand  about living with you?"  She smiles at him a little and says, "Well, I  like really kinky sex and he didn't, so he left."
 
 The guy shakes his head in disbelief and says, "This is incredible!  *I* like really kinky sex and that's why my wife left."
 
 They drink some more, exchanging sidelong glances, and he finally  says, "Well, seeing as we're both alone now, and seeing as we both  have similar interests..."  "Yes," she quickly says, "my apartment is  right around the corner."
 
 So they head over to her apartment.  Once inside, she says, "I'm going  to slip into something a little more comfortable.  I'll be right  back."  She goes into her bedroom and gets undressed, then puts on a  studded leather collar, black lace split-crotch panties, a leather  bustier, fishnet stockings and spike heels, the whole setup.
 
 She comes out of the bedroom to find the guy heading out the door.  "Why are you leaving?" she asks him, "You just got here.  I thought we  were going to have some kinky sex."
 
 He looks at her and shrugs, "Hey, I screwed your dog and shit in your  purse.  I'm done."

 A traveling salesman approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The woman was running the lawn mower over  the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fishbowl and was playing  with himself with the other.
 
 The salesman assumed they were crazy and moved on.  After he'd  finished  his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just seen.  "Oh,  those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said, "they're both deaf mutes. She  was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go screw  herself because he was going fishing."

The Cardinal Joke:
 
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.  "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf between the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand.  "Have we not," he asked,  "a Cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?"  "None that plays golf, but there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin
Netanyahu as your personal representative."  Everyone agreed it was a good idea.  The call was made.  Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play.  The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result."  I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.  "Tell me the good news
first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.  "Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far.  I must have been inspired.  My putting was perfect.  With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."  "There's bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed.  "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
 

You Know you're hooked when:

1. Your wife wants a diamond for her birthday, and you get her a Diamond Stealth Video Card.

2. You're in bed, making it, and it reminds you of how it must feel to be a floppy disk going into your new drive.

3. You know what PPP, SLIP, HTML & FTP mean...but damned if you can remember your wife's maiden name.

4. You sit in front of the tv...trying to type at a keyboard.

5. You "right click"....on your wife's nipples.

6. The "cute name" for your member has changed to "Joystick"....and you hold it the same way.

7. You find out that Hemorrhoids aren't THAT painful, as long as you're on the 'Net.

8. When someone yells out "What's for supper?" you do a search for SUPPER.COM.

9. Whenever your wife mentions "protection", you remind yourself that you gotta get a keyboard protector.

10. You suspect there's a virus in your mashed potatoes.

11. You're starting to get an erection when you look at computer upgrades.

12. If you smoke away from the machine, you notice that the breaks are getting shorter and less frequent.

13. The optometrist looks deep in your eyes, and sees a screen saver.

14. You finally save up enough to visit the Grand Canyon, and you can't help but wonder how it would look on a 21" SVGA.

15. "Not tonight, I have a headache" has been replaced with "Not tonight, I finally got connected".

16. Your computer room has a better air conditioner than your bedroom.

17. You wonder if you can install your own fiber optics telephone line to your server.

18. You speak of "Your Server" with the same reverence you used to reserve for your Doctor?

19. You never met the guy, but you've already decided on a plan to assassinate Bill Gates.

20. You sit in front of the computer reading idiotic cyber stand up comedy like this.

1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

2. "This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."

3. "I was working smarter-not harder."

4. "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

5. "Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"

6. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"

7. "I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."

8. "I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my     forehead."

9. "I'm in the management training program."

10. "I'm actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last
    mandatory seminar you made me attend."

11. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"

12. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate
    against people who practice Yoga?"

13. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

14. "Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."

15. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."

16. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"

17. "It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?"

18. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"

19. "I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."

20. "The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."

21. "Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."

Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" f money.  The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".  The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points
than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.  What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the question?  How did the forest birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996:
By laying off  402 of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital
gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no
longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the
logging work force can easily be cut back. The averagelogger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3
weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.  The contracted logger charges $50
an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 1998:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the
corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half).  It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the
rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the
spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the
Endangered Species Act.  Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation.  What is the
return on investment of the lobbying costs?

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"

The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says,  "Excuse me??   What's excuse me?"

My son...

   Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their
   children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his  own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

  The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.  "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

  The third man continues on how his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has
 given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

 As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a
  hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

                           The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Plotting World Domination

16) Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
15) Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14) Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
13) When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing   with yarn.
12) Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
11) What you thought was "heat" is actually a four-legged goose step.
10) Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
  9) Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals "tattoo" to be blueprint of the UN Building.
  8) Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
  7) Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out "Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head."
  6) Then -- dead mice in the kitchen. Now -- dead third world dictators in the basement.
  5) Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of "land mine" technology.
  4) Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
  3) Has recently been acting somewhat... aloof.
  2) What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
   and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination...
  1) Somehow, you're now subscribed to "Pussy of Fortune" magazine.

Sticky Situation

 A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor,

 "Doc, do me a favour. Tell me what colour the baby is as it's being born."

 The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this.
"Why don't you know what colour the child is going to be?"

 "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is."

 "Ok", says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but it is most unusual.

The baby begins to be born and the doctor says "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?"

 "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman.

 "Wait", says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?"

"Yes, doctor he was."

 "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Indian?"

 "Yes, doctor he was."

So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back.  The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and
starts crying.

 "Oh, thank God for that.", says the woman, "For a moment there, I was worried it was going to bark ! "

1.  Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%,  dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2.  In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensual massage".

3.  Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

4.  Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

5.  Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".

6.  Practice making fax and modem noises.

7.  Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

8.  Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".

9.  Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".

11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:  "Do you hear that?" "What?"  "Never mind, it's gone now."

12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

13. Ask people what gender they are.

14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

15. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

16. Sing along at the opera.

17. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

18. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook.  Mutter   something about  "psychological profiles".

19. Send this list to everyone in your e-mail address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down
on her bed laughing and singing.

Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He
watches her a while then says, "You look
ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?"

She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor
says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old."
She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about
your 65 year-old ass?"

She says, "Well, your name never came up."
 

***********************************************
A Guy in a Bar Leans Over...
***********************************************

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him
and says, "Wanna hear a "redneck" joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that
joke you should  know something.  I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs.
and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is
6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck.  The fella next to
him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still
want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to
explain it three times."
 

USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer
contains small traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory, the
scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of
them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became
overly emotional, and couldn't drive.  No further testing is planned."
 

***********************************************
Store Signs We Would Like To See...
***********************************************

At an Auto Body Shop:
"May we have the next dents?"

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area:
"If we see you smoking we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door:
"Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian
except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door:
"Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window:
"Pleased to meat you."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your
feet - miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium:
"Drop your pants here."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door:
"Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop:
"Dye now!"

On the side of a Garbage Truck:
"We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

On the door of a Computer Store:
"Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
come in and get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a Cafeteria:
"Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria.
Socks can eat any place they want."

On the door of a Music Library:
"Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office:
"Growing old is mandatory.
Growing wise is optional."

  Ian works in a coffee, bagels, and sandwiches trailer on the campus of  the  University of New Hampshire. Vinnie is his boss and the owner of  the truck,  and yes, this actually happened. Ian is telling the story:
 
  This declaration of the stupid award goes to a customer today. Below is a  close rendition of the conversation with her.
  ----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
  Lady: Yes, I'd like a milk with some coffee in it.
  Ian: So, that's just a splash of coffee in a milk?
  Lady: No, a regular amount of milk, but not coffee.
  Ian: Is there more milk or coffee?
  Lady: Oh, definitely more coffee.
  Ian: So, that's a coffee with some extra milk.
  Lady: Just the usual amount of milk.
  Ian: A coffee with milk.
  Lady: Yes.
  Ian: Anything else?
  Lady: A little extra milk, and do you have coffee with no caffeine?
  Ian: We do have decaf.
  Lady: No, I don't want decaf, just some coffee without the caffeine.
  Ian: Ma'am, that's what decaf means, no caffeine.
  Lady: Oh, then do you have milk with no caffeine?
  Ian: Milk doesn't come with caffeine.
  Lady: Yes it does.
  Ian: Not that I know of, where do you get your milk?
  Lady: It doesn't say caffeine-free on the milk, so it must have caffeine.
  Ian: Oh, you're right, my mistake. I forgot that we only get the decaf milk. No problem, we have only decaf milk. Anything      else?
  Lady: Do you have any bagels?
  Vinnie: (who has been listening all along) I'm sorry, ma'am, we're all out  of decaf bagels.
  Lady: Oh, well, then I'll have one of those, with sesame seeds.
  Vinnie: We're all out, ma'am.
  Lady: Well, what are those? (pointing at sesame bagels)
  Vinnie: Those are sesame donuts with extra caffeine added.
   Lady: I guess I'll just have the coffee. Do you take credit cards?
  Ian: No ma'am, cash only.
  Lady: What about Visa?
  Ian: Is that a credit card?
  Lady: Well, yes.
  Vinnie: Is it cash?
  Lady: No.
  Vinnie: Then no, we can't take it.
  Lady: What about checks?
  Ian: Cash ma'am, nothing else.
  Lady: Ok. how much is that?
  Vinnie: Eleven dollars and 45 cents. (insert: for a cup of coffee, if  you missed that.)
  Lady: Really?
  Vinnie: New war in Alaska is ruining the coffee business, plus you wanted  the coffee with no caffeine, that's hard to find   now,   had to  grow it   myself.
  Lady: Ok. (proceeds to write a check)
  Vinnie: Please leave.
  Lady: Why?
  Vinnie: You're raising my blood pressure, leave now.
  Lady: But what about my coffee?
  Vinnie: Leave and never return.
  She leaves, but pays the $11.45 first.
 

Rural Computer Lingo (by Shiela O'Connor)

LOG ON- Makin' the woodstove hotter.
LOG OFF- Don't add any more wood.
MONITOR- Keep an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD- Get the firewood off the truck
FLOPPY DISK- What you get from liftin' too much firewood.
DISK OPERATING SYSTEM- Equipment the doc uses when you have a floppy disk
HARD DRIVE- Gettin' home in the muddy season
PROMPT- What you wish the US mail was
BYTE- What mosquitos do
SCREEN- Something to keep the mosquitos out
CHIP- Somethin' to munch on
MICRO CHIP- What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
MODEM- What you did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX- John Matrix's wife
PRINTER- Someone who can't write writin'
LAP TOP- Where little kids feel comfy
KEYBOARD- A place to hang your keys
SOFTWARE- Them plastic eatin' utensils
486- One of them fancy imported cars
MOUSE- What eats the horses' grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME- The part of the fram that holds the barn up
PORT- A fancy wine
ENTER- C'mon in!
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY- When you suddenly can't remember how much that new truck cost when the wife asks
DIGITAL- Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clark
APPLE- If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'
PROGRAM- What's on the tv when there's reception
WINDOWS- What we ain't got to throw it out of

Money doesn't bring you happiness,
but it enables you to look for it in more places.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong,
but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.

Misers aren't much fun to live with,
but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose.
You may be in it the rest of your  life.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody has the same size bucket.

When you see the handwriting on the wall,
you can bet you're in a public restroom.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

The real reason you can't take it
with you is that it goes before you do.

Junk is something you throw away
three weeks before you need it.

Hospitality is making your guests feel
at home, even if you wish they were.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

A man (or woman) who can smile when
things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

A modern pioneer is a woman who can get through
a rainy Saturday with a television on the blink.

The world is full of willing people:
some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Money isn't everything....
there's credit cards, money orders,
and travelers checks.

Some people are like blisters.  They don't
show up until the work is done.

A true friend is one that lets his grass
grow as tall as his neighbor's.
 
A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult
while the adults  are out acting like teenagers.

If you don't know where you're going,
you're never lost.

Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.

A burglar breaks into a house at midnight. Once
inside, he hears a voice in the dark that says,
"JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!"

The burglar stops for a moment, then continues to
move throughout the house. Once again he hears this
voice: "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar, nervous, turns on a light and sees
that the voice is actually coming from a bird cage,
and there's a little parrot in it.

He approaches the parrot and says: "Oh, you really
scared me for a moment, what is your name, birdie?

"My name is Peter" answers the parrot.

The burglar says, "Peter is a weird name for a
parrot..."

The parrot says: "Think so? I think "Jesus" for a
Doberman is even weirder!

    Three guys found themselves in Hell: Bob, Dave, and Neil. A little
confused at their present situation, they were startled to see a door in the
wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever
seen.  She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bob, you have sinned!  You are
condemned  to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"  And Bob was
whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
    This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a
second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood
gone wrong.  She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and
flies circled her.
    The voice of the Devil was heard, "Dave, you have sinned!  You are
condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"  And Dave,
like Bob, was whisked off.
    Neil, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when
the third door opened.  And as the door inched open, he strained to see the
figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
    Delighted, Neil jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.  Then he heard the voice of the Devil
saying:  "Cindy, you have sinned ...."

    A preacher was watching a man playing golf. When the man was putting on
the third hole, the ball rolled right by the cup when it should have gone in.
"God dammit, missed again!" cried the golfer. The priest was shocked. "Don't
say that," he exclaimed, "or God will punish you!"  The golfer did fine until
he was on the ninth hole, when the same thing happened again. "God dammit,
missed again!" he yelled. "If you say that one more time, then God will punish
you," the priest warned.
The golfer lasted until the eighteenth hole, when he missed an easy putt for a
third time. "God dammit, missed again!" he screamed. A huge bolt of lightning
streaked out of the sky and hit the preacher. The golfer looked up at the sky,
puzzled. Just then, he heard a big voice coming from the sky and saying, "God
dammit, missed again!"

  Subject:  Monica's Diary

Entry 1:
  Dear Diary,
     I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....and I
don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but
I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2:
  Dear Diary,
    You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was
looking.  But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands
and knees and was looking for it when -- guess what -- the president walked
in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic!  I hope he
likes me.

Entry 3:
  Dear Diary,
    I think the president likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug
and asked me to find them.

Entry 4:
  Dear Diary,
    He really likes me.

Entry 5:
  Dear Diary,
    I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag.  Like
they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something.  But
I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900-Monica." (That
means he thinks I'm one in nine hundred. That's pretty special.)

Entry 6:
  Dear Diary,
    I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool
except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?"  She
looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7:
  Dear Diary,
    I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder
whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8:
  Dear Diary,
    Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon
Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9:
  Dear Diary,
    I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones case. What is she
talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way
cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10:
  Dear Diary,
    I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to
Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11:
  Dear Diary,
    Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop.
It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually
related to.

Entry 12:
  Dear Diary,
    It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really
understand me. O.J. stopped by -- he said not to worry because, "If there's no
spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

Entry 13:
  Dear Diary,
    All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from
Kenneth Starr. I think they have subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp.  I hate her.
I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it Stabs a Barbie
doll in the back.

Entry 14:
  Dear Diary,
    Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this
whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the pentagon.  Just have
Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatsisname a job at Revlon.  (God, it's a no
brainer!)

Entry 15
  Dear Diary,
    They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the president. I mean,
give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I
worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16:
  Dear Diary,
    Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would
stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's
desk if they did.

Entry 17:
  Dear Diary,
    They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the
President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man
outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

Entry 18:
  Dear Diary,
    Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about
anyway?  Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom
about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19:
  Dear Diary,
    I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies
that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to
In And Out, A Pack-O-Lips Now, Wag the Willy and my most favorite: Good Bill
Humping.  I hope Spielberg will direct.

        A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

        After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied,
       "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass
of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

        So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a
storm.  Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on
his door:

        1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

        2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

        3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

        4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

        5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

        6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

        7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

        8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

        9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he  was stoned off his ass.

        10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

        11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
              eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

        12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

        13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks
               for the grub, yeah God."

        14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
               peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
  female: Any part under a car's hood.
  male:  The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
  female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
          to the upper levels in business.
  male:   What would really be great at work since that hot
          babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
  female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
   male:  Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
  female:  The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
  male:    Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
           a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
  female: The body part that every item of clothing
          manufactured makes "look bigger."
  male:   The organ of mooning (and farting).

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
  female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
  male:   Not trying to pick up other women while out with
          one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
  female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
  male:   Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.

FLATUENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
  female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
  male:   An endless source of entertainment, self-expression
          and male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
  female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
  male:   What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
  female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
  male:   A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 1/2
              minutes.

1.  We don't keep firearms in this house.
2.  Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?
3.  You can't feed that to the dog.
4.  I thought Graceland was tacky.
5.  No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
6.  Wrasslin's fake.
7.  Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
8.  We're vegetarians.
9.  Do you think my hair is too big?
10. I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
11. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering!
12. Who's Richard Petty?
13. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
14. Deer heads detract from the decor.
15. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
16. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
17. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
19. The tires on that truck are too big.
20. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
21. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
22. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
23. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
24. My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
25. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
26. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
27. Checkmate.
28. She's too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
31. I don't have a favorite college team.
32. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
33. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
34. Elvis who?

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the
barman who comes over immediately. When he
arrives, she seductively signals that he should
bring his face close to hers. When he does so,
she begins to gently caress his beard,  which is
full and bushy.  "Are you the Manager?" she asks,
softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replies. "Can you get him for
me? I need to speak to him." she says, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman,
clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message,"
she continues huskily, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.

"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the
ladies room."
 
 

THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
 
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying
a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of
the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into
the president's office ( the customer is always right! ) . The bank
president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She
replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I
make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The
old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So,
would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet
$25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady then said,
"Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my
lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.
 
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and
spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to
side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that
there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
 
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the
lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the
president's balls are square!"
 
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.
The little old lady wanted to know if she could feel them.
 
"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so
I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the
lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter
with your lawyer?"
 
She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00
am today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
 

***********************************************
Eighty-Eight....
***********************************************

A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He
turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her
he was going to put his hand on her back and he
wanted her to say "Eighty-eight."

"Eighty-eight," she purred.

"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat
and I want you to again say "'Eighty-eight.'"

"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."

"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest
and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight."

"One, two, three, four, five..."
 

Two accountants were standing in the park.

One had a new bike.

The other said, "Nice bike. How much?"

The first said, "It was free."

The other asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?"

The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful
girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes
and told me I could have anything I wanted."

The other accountant said, "Good move! Her clothes
wouldn't have fit you anyway!"
 

***********************************************
Top Ten Double Entendres For Lawyers...
***********************************************

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9.  He is one hard judge.
8.  Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7.  Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6.  Is it a penal offense?
5.  Better leave the handcuffs on.
4.  For $400 an hour, she better be good.
3.  Can you get him to drop his suit?
2.  The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number one answer is:

1.  Think you can get me off?

When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

When your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to
divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the "else" clause.

You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.

When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialling an IP number...

When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.

When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your
{network address} faster than your postal one.

When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
 

Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly
burned  that the morgue needed someone to I.D. the
body. So they called up his two friends Swen and
Lars to come and try to I.D. the body.

Swen went in first and the mortician pulled back
the sheet and Swen said "Yaa, he's burnt pretty
bad. Roll him over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Swen looked at
his butt and said "No dat ain't Olaf."  The
mortician didn't say any thing but thought that was
kind of strange.

Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body and Lars
looked at him and said "Yaa he's burnt real bad,
roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over and
Lars looked down at his butt and said "No dat ain't
Olaf."

The mortician said "How can you tell?"  Lars said
"Well Olaf had two asses."  "What? he had two
asses?" said the mortician. "Yaa, everyone in town
knew he had two asses.  Every time the three of us
went to town everyone would say "Here comes Olaf
with them two asses!"
 

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notice a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears hears,
"Ribbit. 9 Iron". The man looks around and doesn't see anyone.
"Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!  he hits it
10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow
that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"  The frog reply's
"Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to
the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3
wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom!  Hole in one.  The man is
befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best
game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit.
Las Vegas." They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, " What
do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit.$3000,black  6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golfgame, the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across them table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the
frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous15-year-old girl. "And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room."
 

 The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon;
  you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

  The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
  marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

  The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
  perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

  The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is   where you pass each
  other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

  There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is
  when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

***********************************************
Anything...
***********************************************

A female student shows up during a young
professor's office hours.  She glances down the
hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet,
pleading...

"I would do anything to pass the exam".

She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair,
gazing meaningfully into his eyes and  sensuously
whispers "I mean..., I would do....anything!!!".

He returns her gaze.  "Anything???"

"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"

He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said
"Would you.....Study?"
 

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:
 
 A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.   A woman is
driving down the same road in the opposite direction.
 As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells,
"PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a
rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid
hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an
animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road,
and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, it was dead.  The driver felt
so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw
the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled
over.  She stepped out of her car and asked the man
what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained.  "I accidentally
hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what
to do.  She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a
spray can.  She walked over to the limp, dead
rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto
the animal.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up,
waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down
the road.  Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped,
turned around, waved again, hopped down the road
another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty
yards.

The man was astonished.  He couldn't figure out
what substance could be in the woman's spray can!!
He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in
your can?  What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man
could read the label. It said:  "Hair spray.
Restores life to dead hair.  Adds permanent wave."

                Our lager,

                Which art in barrels,

                Hallowed be thy drink.

                Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),

                At home as in the tavern.

                Give us this day our foamy head,

                And forgive us our spillages,

                As we forgive those who spill against us.

                And lead us not to incarceration,

                But deliver us from hangovers.

                For thine is the beer, The bitter and The lager.

                Forever and ever,

                Barmen.

***********************************************
The Bear...
***********************************************

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who
was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In
his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were
unsuccessful.

Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up
at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were
dim.   Seeing no way out of his predicament, and
with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter
got down on his knees, opened his arms, and
exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some
religion!"

The sky darkened and there was lightning in the
air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear
came to an abrupt stop, and glanced around,
somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up
into the sky and said, "Thank you,God, for the food
I'm about to receive...."
 

  1.    Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  2.    Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  3.    Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  4.    How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  5.    How is it possible to have a civil war?
  6.    If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  7.    If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  8.    If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  9.    If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  10.   If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  11.   If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
  12.   If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
  13.   If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  14.   If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  15.   Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
  16.   Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
  17.   Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
  18.   Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
  19.   What happens when none of your bees wax?
  20.   Where are we going?  And what's with this handbasket?
  21.   If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
          crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
  22.   Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  23.   If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why
          doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
  24.   If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
          monkeys and apes?
  25.   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all
          the bad girls live.
  26.   I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
          self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat
          the purpose.
  27.   If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
          they all still working?
  28.   Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
  29.   If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  30.   And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
 

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids?  If you're
less than 10 years old, you're so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.  How old are
you?...  "I'm four and a half" ...  You're never 36
and a half ... you're four and a half going on
five!

That's the key.  You get into your teens, now they
can't hold you back.  You jump to the next number.
How old are you?  "I'm gonna be 16." You could be
12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens ...
you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony
... you BECOME 21 ...  YES!!!

But then you turn 30 ... ooohhh what happened
there?  Makes you sound like bad milk ...  He
TURNED, we had to throw him out.  There's no fun
now.

What's wrong??  What changed??  You BECOME 21, you
TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ... stay over
there, it's all slipping away ...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you
REACH 50 ... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ... you didn't think you'd
make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ... then you build
up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing.  After that,
you HIT Wednesday... You get into your 80's, you
HIT lunch.  You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't
even buy green bananas ... it's an investment you
know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there ... into the 90's you
start going backwards... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens.  If you make it over
100, you become a little kid again ...  "I'm 100
and a half!!!!
 

1.  I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the village people?
4.  Hey you must have been going 125mph just to keep up with me.
5.  I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6.  Bad cop! No donut!
7.  You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8.  I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.
9.  I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm?  It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking?   You're a trained specialist.
13. Do you know why you pulled me over?    Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around - that's how they are far ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged
    between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
 

 Subject:      Bill
 
 Hillary Clinton was at her annual visit to her gynaecologist.  After the examination the doctor says:
 "Well, your in really good shape, but you're pregnant" to which Hillary  responds "What"!
 The gynaecologist responds.  "You're about 1 month pregnant"
 
  She storms out of the gynaecologist's office and goes to the receptionist
  desks and dials the oval office. She states that she is the presidents wife
  and is put through to the president. She then shouts:   "You bastard, you got me pregnant"
 
 There is a long pause and then the president says:   " Who is this ?"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources
Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what
starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a
year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer -said, "Well, what would you say to a
package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full
medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to
50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you
kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
 

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking,
minding his own business when all of a sudden this
great big guy comes in and --WHACK!!-- knocks him
clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

The big guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on
the stool and starts drinking again when all of a
sudden --WHACK-- the big guy knocks him down AGAIN and
says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets
up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves.

The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he
returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind
the big idiot and --Bong!!!"--bangs the big guy off
his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."
 

   1. In a perfect world, computers are used to study.
      In the real world, you spend so much time writing email and
      making mp3's you can no longer have a conversation with a real
      person, let alone do anything productive on your computer.

   2. In a perfect world, the library is a place where productive
      studying and learning occurs.
      In the real world, the library is the only place on campus
      where you can sleep peacefully.

   3. In a perfect world, you do homework right after your classes
      while the information is still fresh in your mind. In the real
      world, all homework gets done as you are supposed to be
      entering the class in which it is due.

   4. In a perfect world, you get to bed at a reasonable time each
      night so you will be awake and alert in class. In the real
      world, you realize the only productive part of the day is from
      1:00 - 5:00 AM.

   5. In a perfect world, you actually eat all the meals in the
      cafeteria your parents are paying for. These are well balanced
      meals to give you energy and keep you healthy.
      In the real world, you survive on coffee, cigarettes and the
      occasional candy bar. All other calories come from pizza eaten
      after midnight.

   6. In a perfect world, the classes in your chosen major field are
      fun and interesting. In the real world, class is the second best
      place to nap (after the library).

   7. In a perfect world, you start your papers early enough so you
      get them done before the computer lab closes. In the real
      world, you start screaming hysterically at the computer
      lab attendant when he/she kicks you out at 2:00 AM, and then
      you spend all your spare time figuring out how to sneak back in.

   8. In a perfect world, you keep in touch with friends and family
      back home through long letters and phone calls. In the real
      world, your only form of communication is a) email so riddled
      with typos you can barely make it out or b) a brief line or two
      before an annoying chain letter.

   9. In a perfect world, email is an efficient form of communication.
      In the real world, you receive 5,000 years bad luck because of
      all the chain letters that you have deleted.

  10. In a perfect world, your dorm room is a convenient place to
      study and live. In the real world, your dorm room is more like a
      biology experiment because strange things have started growing
      since the last time you cleaned.

  11. In a perfect world, your roommates are your new best friends.
      In the real world, your roommates are a constant source of
      entertainment as you make fun of them to your friends (when
      you're not screaming at them, that is).

  12. In a perfect world, weekends are spent studying and having
      fun. In the real world, you watch 4 or 5 movies in one day and
      sit in your room for 17 hours straight, but still get nothing
      done. You spend so much time inside that the city can declare a
      snow emergency before you realize that it is snowing.

  13. In a perfect world, you are able to efficiently and
      self-sufficiently do your own laundry.
      In the real world, you are upset that the bookstore doesn't sell
      underwear so you could buy more instead of wash your own.  When
      you finally do laundry, you forget about it for 2 days and come
      back to find most of it missing and the rest of it strewn about
      the laundry room and hallway.

  14. In a perfect world, you get up early enough to shower and get
      ready in the morning. In the real world, you throw on a
      sweatshirt and a hat until lunch, which you skip, so you can
      finally take your shower.

  15. In a perfect world, you learn to use the city bus system and
      can effectively get where you need to go. In the real world,
      you get completely lost on your first busing adventure and you
      vow never to attempt to learn again.

  16. In a perfect world, this is not a chain letter and luck or fate
      is not connected with it in any way. In the real world, this is
      not a chain letter!! Just send it on to people you think might
      find it amusing.
 

Subject: Lonely Widow

 
Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load
up Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for
a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard.
 
They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive lady
of the house if they can spend the night.
 
"I'm recently widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
 
"Not to worry," Jack says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."
 
Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's attorney.
He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you remember
that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"
 
"Yes, I do."
 
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?"
 
"Yes, I have to admit that I did."
 
"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
 
Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."
 
"Well, thanks, she just died and left me everything!"

Subject:Men
 

1. Men are like department stores....
     their clothes should always be half off.

 2.   Men are like vacations....
      they never seem to be long enough.

 3. Men are like computers...
    hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

 4. Men are like coolers...
       load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

 5. Men are like chocolate bars....
    sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

 6.  Men are like coffee....
          the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

 7. Men are like horoscopes....
    they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

 8. Men are like plungers...
   they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

 9.   Men are like cement....
       after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

 10. Q: Why are men like laxatives?
       A: They irritate the shit  out of you

 11.  Q: Why did God create man?
        A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns

 12. Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
          A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
 

 "Is THIS", she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using
 on me for the last 5 years?"

 "Honey, let me explain..."
 "Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of bitch!"
 "Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like
 to explain our three kids." >>
 

***********************************************
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN...
***********************************************

The Yoko Club?                  Oh no.

The German philosophy club?     I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?            Pardon me?

The Arafat club?                Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?           Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?           Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?          You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?             Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?      Noh.

The quarterback club?           I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?          I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?    Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?  Si.

The anti-perspirant club?       Sure.

The pregancy club?              Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club       Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders        They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society        Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club          Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group                God willing!

***