You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
set itself and cook the dinner to its own liking.
If you have a Unix oven insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking
and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your
specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. Thisprocess may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself,
having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is
currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future
releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but
must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 1998. However, that version has yet to be
released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to
self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted
anyway.
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So
Joe packs the picnic basket with crisps, bottles of cider, and sandwiches.
The trouble
is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole
days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the
cider and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring
the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.'
Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles
away from home without drink!
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, but
Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time
he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go,
swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the
food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond.
Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise.
After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless: 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of
dementia in his voice.
'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes
that Raymond
probably skipped out to the diner down the road, so the two turtles
weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock,
and says:
Just for that, I'm not f**king going!
One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
river.
They needed to get to the other side, but had no way of crossing the
river.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength,
courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms
and
strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two
hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give
me the
strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave
him a
rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
also prayed
to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability
to cross this river."
And poof! God turned him into a woman and she walked across the bridge.
The Knob
A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The Dr. told her of a new procedure called "The Knob".
A small knob is implanted in the back of a woman's head and can be
turnedto tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new
facelift forever.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've always loved
the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems.
First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the
knob won't get rid of them."The doctor looked at her and said, "Those
aren't bags,those are your breasts."
She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came
down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. They all
decided that one person should get off because if they didn't
the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide
who should go so finally the Woman gave a really touching
speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others,
because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and
children and giving in to men All of the men started clapping.
Pilot Intercom Error
An airline pilot finishes talking to the passengers just after his
plane has
taken off, and he forgets to turn off the intercom. He says to the
co-pilot, "I think I'll go take a shit and then try to fuck that new
blonde
stewardess."
The stewardess hears it, and as she goes running up the aisle to tell
him
the intercom is still on, she trips on the rug and falls on her ass.
A little old lady looks down at her and says, "There's no rush, honey.
He said he had to take a shit first."
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before
Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to
them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you
have to tell me what Easter is."
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we
all have a big feast and we're thankful."
St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we
celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents."
St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is."
St. Peter said, "Ok then, tell me."
She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides
with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having
Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed
by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung
him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in
a tomb behind a large boulder."
St. Peter said, "Very good..."
She adds, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder
and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six
more weeks of winter."
There was a farmer that was waiting by the door with
his three daughters for their dates to pick them up.
The first guy got there and said "Hi. My name's Joe,
I'm here to pick up Flo, and take her to the show." So
the farmer excused them and let them go.
The second guy showed up a few minutes later. The
farmer answered the door and the guy said "Hi. My
name's Freddie, I'm here to pick up Betty and take her
out for spaghetti." The farmer excused them and let them go.
The third, and final, guy showed up and the farmer
answered the door. He said "Hi. My name's Chuck." And
the farmer took out his shotgun and shot him!!!
My wife says I never listen to her...
At least, I think that's what she said
The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green
when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I
need help." she said.
The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A
little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.
His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I'm may be dying and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole
who said he come and help."
"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"
"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice
stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let
him play through."
A Husband and Wife go to the hospital to deliver their child.
The doctor meets them and tells them that he has a new
system that will allow the father to take part or all
of the mothers labor pains. They both agree and the delivery begins.
The doctor turns the dial to 10%, so that the father will take 10%
of the mothers pain. The husband says he feels fine, so the doctor
puts it up a notch.
The husband still feels fine, so the doctor puts it up to 30%.
The husband still feels fine, so it goes up to 50%.
The husband tells the doctor to go ahead and put it up to 100%.
The husband still feels fine and the child is delivered and the wife
felt virtually no pain at all.
They both go back home with their child, where they find the
mailman dead on their steps!!!
Guy gets back from a computer convention and is telling his wife about
how it went....
"Honey, It was so crowded, a real zoo. You couldn't get a nerd in edgewise
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME
TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS
10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and
check your email on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional
year or two, just for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S
TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
Top Five Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename" , is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The wife and husband rekindled their marraige after 50 years. They decided
to remarry a second time , where did they go on their Honey moon????
Answer.... Viagra~Falls!!!
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over,
she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a
car in the driveway and puts her lover on the closet as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "Its dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is ", the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" , the little boy asks. "No Thanks", the
man replies. "I think you do", the little extortionist continues. "Ok.
how much?", the man
replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars",
the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!", the man repeats incredulously,
but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she
hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet
with the little boy.
"Its dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is", replies
the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "Ok. How much?",
the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars",
the boy replies. Then the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boys father says "Hey, son. Go get your
ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them", replies
the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting
to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars",
the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I 'am taking
you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness".
the father explains as he
hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the
curtain, sits down, and says, "Gee, its dark in here, isn't it?" The priest
says,
"Don't you start that #$@^% in here now".
Ever wonder why?
How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
is dead?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
already know you don't have?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
You know how most packages say "Open here"...
What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Why is it that the guy who comes up behind you while you're waiting
for an elevator presses the already lit "up" button -- as though he somehow
has magical powers that you didn't when you pressed it the first time?
Some redneck groaners...
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck? The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas? Nice tooth!
Best bar pickup line in Kentucky: "Hey, you don't sweat much for a fat broad."
Old News
A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news.
The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge.
The brunette turns to the blonde and says, " I bet you $50
the man is going to jump." The blonde replies, "Okay you're on."
Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50.
The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the
5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it,"
says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't
think he would do it again."
Are You Kidding?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person
asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary
were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood
of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5
weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental,
a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary,
and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Top 12 signs your child has a Pokemon card gambling problem:
12. Hocks the dog for a Pikachu and 2 Jigglypuffs.
11. Last year's $1600 Beanie Baby collection is nowhere to be found.
10. You find a My Little Pony head in his bed.
9. She refers to the neighbor kids as "those dirty, Pikachu-hoarding
bastards."
8. Little Timothy now insists on being called "Montana Tim."
7. Has taken to calling you "Daddylion" and "Mommozar."
6. Claims her kneecaps were broken in a freak hopscotch accident.
5. Christmas list includes Lego's, in-line skates and $30,000 to pay
back "Vinnie the Shark."
4. From behind the garage, you hear: "Come on, Baby! Pikachu needs
a new pair of shoes!"
3. Pete Rose keeps calling to ask if little Johnny can come out and
play.
2. You receive a package from summer camp containing Billy's ear and
a note asking for Charizard.
1. She's been on the phone all morning, ranting and chain-smoking candy
cigarettes.
At the Construction Site
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making
fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker
had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he
said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow
over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're
on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man
reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to
the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
What's for dinner?
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never
hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the
doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say
something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say
it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity
of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as
she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He
hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply.
He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right
behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
Taxi Colors
Two cab drivers met. "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting
one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should
see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
Effeciency Expert
The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone
from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast
for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator,
stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.
'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied,
"Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready.
Now I do it in Seven."
Great One Liners
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't Why is
"abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Things you wish you could say at work
I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm not being rude, you're just insignificant.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. -
Test Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired. "Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"
A Glass Of Milk
Somebody left a glass of milk next to the keyboard. Reaction?
Optimist: The glass is half full.
Pessimist: The glass is half empty.
Futurist: The milk's in the wrong half of the glass.
Pascal programmers: Well, what type of milk is it?
C Programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the jug.
Assembly programmers: No thanks; I drink straight from the cow.
Basic programmers: No thanks; I'm still breast feeding.
MIS: I'LL DRINK IT IF YOU CAN GIVE ME UNTIL NEXT YEAR.
Fuzzy logic guys: I may or may not have drunk some part of that milk.
Prolog programmers: I know I drank it - just don't ask me how.
Non-procedural language programmers: I drank it when nobody was looking.
UI designers: What's that crap in my glass?
Pentium users: I drank Glass * .49999999 . . . but don't hold me to
that.
Windows users: Where's my straw?
Mac users: Where's my pump?
UNIX users: Nahh . . . too easy.
Software Mates
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by men; the ratio
of male to female software engineers is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes
it pretty easy for women to find potential mates among their peers., software
types have a well-earned reputation for being a little strange.
While discussing the prospect of working in the software industry,
one woman commented to another: "The odds are good, but the goods are odd."
Signs That You Are Broke
American Express calls and says, "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe
Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
You rob Peter and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.
Sally Struthers sends you food.
McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
Car Keys
A bloke has locked his car keys inside his vehicle. He stands by the
side of his car looking completely fed up when a chap walks up and asks
him what the problem is.
"I've locked my car keys in my car and can't get in," says the first
individual.
"No problem mate." says the second chap. "Stand to one side and I'll
get you in."
The first chap does as he's asked and stands to one side. The second
chap moves infront of the door handle, turns around, and rubs his bum against
the door lock. Almost instantly the car door unlocks.
"Strewth!" says the first fella, "How did you manage that?"
"Easy," says the second bloke, "I'm wearing my Khaki trousers."
The Panhandler
A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about
to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser
who threw him off the ship telling him,
"Beggars can't be cruisers."
Jigsaw Puzzle
A blonde calls up her best friend (a brunette) one day because she
is very upset.
"I can't get this jigsaw puzzle put together, and I've been trying
for weeks," she cries.
"Could you please come over and help me before I go crazy?"
"What kind of puzzle is it?" asks the brunette.
The blonde says, "Well, there is a rooster on the box, but there are
so many pieces,
and it's so confusing. I just don't know where to start!"
Her friend is the compassionate sort and says, "I'll be right over."
So off to the blonde's house she goes.
When she gets there, she takes one look at the table and turns to her
friend
and says: "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Gas Service
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee,
were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their
truck
at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the
last house,
a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they
checked
her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker
to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older
guy could
outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house
was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her
what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as
hard as you two are,
I figured I'd better run too!"
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his
own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.'
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right,
and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST
PRICES.'
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign
of all
over his own shop.
It read... 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
Skip a Day
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost
at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead
that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."
Can I Speak To Ben, Please?
It was another boring Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room
watching television in the hopes that I would be entertained when the phone
rang.
"Hello?"
A girl's voice came over the line.
"Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably
a wrong number. Of course, it was also a dull evening.
"I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00." Silence on the other end...a
confused silence. I had a live one.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well...he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him..."
she said in a slightly irritated voice. I must have sounded a lot more
like Steve than I had thought. I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen
about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with." (I've seen _Fletch_ several times).
"I know that! I mean....who is she?" (She must have seen _Fletch_,
too....Or is that _Fletch Too_? Whatever..)
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message
for Ben?"
"Yes...please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper
flaring. Now would be a good time to call an end to the charade.
"I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded this time. "WHO'S JENNIFER?!"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well...he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her.
Sorry...it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that ALICE called
him and the she's VERY UPSET and that i would LIKE HIM to CALL ME as SOON
AS HE GETS HOME."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will...but Becky isn't going to like this..."
"BECKY?!?!?"
"*click*"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of
thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his
head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Airconditon
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he
was too cold, then he asked that it be turned down because he was too
hot,
and so it went for about a half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth
and never
once got angry. Finally, a second customer asked the waiter why he
didn't
throw out the pest.
"Oh, I don't care," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have
an air conditioner."
Thigns
In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the
sink.
It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign,
and right below it,immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully
lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"
Got a Driver
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus;
they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend.
One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team
is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up
when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top.
He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team
clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared to
death.
He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand
old time."
One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got
a *driver*."
Ring
A telephone rang, and someone picked it up.
A voice from the other side said, "Is your number 444 444 44?"
"Yes," came the reply.
"Could you call 911? My finger is stuck on the phone."
Golf Ball
These two guys were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and
says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball?"
He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit
it
into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the
water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway,
smoke comes up in order for you to find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities
until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible!
Where did you get that ball?!"
The man replies, "I found it."
Talking Frog
A guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road.
As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk.
"Kiss me and I will turn into a princess."
The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts
shouting,
"Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be
yours."
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts
it back. The frog is really frustrated.
"I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful
princess
and do anything you ask."
The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls.
But a talking frog is cool.!"
Saving The Prez
On Clinton's last trip to Hawaii, he went swimming at
Waikiki Beach. He got caught in a riptide and was been
pulled out to sea.
Three young surfers swam out to him and brought him to
shore. He wanted to reward them, and asked what they
would like.
The first said he wanted to be a fighter pilot, and
Clinton said he would get him an appointment to the
A.F. Academy.
The second one said he wanted to command a submarine.
"Fine, I'll get you into the Naval Academy."
The third said he wanted to be buried at Arlington.
Clinton looked puzzled and asked why such a young
person was concerned about where he would be buried.
"Because", said the surfer, "my father is a Vietnam
Veteran, and when I go home and tell him I saved your
life, he's going to kill me."
Excuses
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):
My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat,
her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best
either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her
father even got hot last night.
Computer-Illiterates
The following is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal by Jim Carlton.
1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the
plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble- shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into
the typewriter to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed
copies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room
to close the door to his room.
True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did
you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional.
It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive
as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!"
Consumer Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed by stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions found on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside. (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's just
a suggestion.)
On Tesco's tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom of box): Do not
turn upside-down.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (I
gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of peanuts: "Instructions: Open packet,
eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
Professional Gambler
During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into
a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd
like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine,
but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money
first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the
bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you
get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler",
replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your
odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said
the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender. "Well, for example, I'll bet
you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it.
"OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you
screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you
another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said
the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're
not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So,
the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed
me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a
bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man. With that,
the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing
cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing,
he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender,
I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this
bar here on one foot and pee into that whiskey bottle on that shelf
behind you without spilling a drop".
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even
stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy
climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began peeing all over the
place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into
the whiskey bottle. The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender
said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and
said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each
that I could pee all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"
Need a Push
A man and his wife are awoken at 3 o'clock in the morning by a knock
on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger is asking
for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the morning!"
He closes the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asks his wife.
"Just a stranger asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him? she asks.
"No I didn't -- it's three in the morning"
"Well you've got a short memory" says his wife, "Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down on holiday and those two guys
helped us?. I think you should help him."
The man does as he is told and returns to the front door and calls
out into the dark "Hello -- are you still there?"
"Yes", comes the answer.
"Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband
"Over here on the swing" the man replies.
Embarrassing Compulsion
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took
a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders.
I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he
was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.
"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said.
"My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's
as good as they get."
Six months later, the man was back.
"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass
of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst
twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into
the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't
seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."
WORD PLAY
Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray'-ter\ : A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl' \ : What a bullfighter tries to do
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee' \ : Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette \burn'-a-det' \ : The act of torching a mortgage
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize' \ : What a crook sees with
Control \kon'-trol\ : A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters \kown'-ter-fit'-ers\ : Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets
Eclipse \ee-klips' \ : What a Cockney barber does for a living
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\ : A clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes \hee-rhos' \ : What a guy in a boat does
Left Bank \left' bangk' \ : What the robber did when his bag was full
of loot
Misty \mis-tee' \ : How golfers create divots
Paradox \par'-u-doks' \ : Two physicians
Parasites \par'-ih-sites' \: What you see from the top of the EiffelTower
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist \ : A helper on the farm
Polarize \po'-lur-ize' \ : What penguins see with
Primate \pri'-mate' \ : Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief \ree-leef' \ : What trees do in the spring
Selfish \sel'-fish' \ : What the owner of a seafood store does
Subdued \sub-dood' \ : Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those,
like, submarines, man
Sudafed \sood'-a-fed' \ : Brought litigation against a government official
Save my Spot
Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake
up."
Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."
Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"
Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."
To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell
me you have to go to the bathroom."
Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
Speed Trap
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of
cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap,
he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was
about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding,
but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me
who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"
Three Engineers
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side
of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what
could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of
the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical
engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes
up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get
back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
My Acheing Tooth
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
"I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big
hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible,
and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman,"
he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Surgeons Talk
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
Don't Look Down
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie
theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's
very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners!
Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in the Washington Post.
Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn
Won
2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just
Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
Cutting Class
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind
telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really
don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm
y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
Philosopher
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who
listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions
about morality and ethics.
Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if
he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher
agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well.
When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked,
"Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist
world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in
fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will
do."
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY
1)You wake up - face down on the pavement
2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office
4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of
the city
7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday
8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize
you don't have a waterbed
9)Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow
a group of hells angels on the freeway
10)Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache
11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
13)You wake up and your braces are locked together
14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your
business
15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.
Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM)
processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical
and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor
outshines the previous generation.
The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the
heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM)
Chip.
The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several flavors:
Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists
who need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can
drool over it, Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low
Sodium for the laptop market.
Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be released for
the Very High End Computing sector. The new chip will be used in powerful
parallel and supercomputer systems. The chip will have a slightly modified
shape, color, and will be stackable. This project is code named Pringles(TM).
Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months for its own new
chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry insiders believe that the marketing
hype for the Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorola's(TM) new chip is
just too late and too underpowered compared to the Intel processor. In
addition, the Tortilla(TM) is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM)
Chip and is based upon a very different technology.
Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Comnputers
20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com
instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.
Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one
day.
The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them."
"That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and
I've won 78 of them!"
The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won
102!"
Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!"
The horses look down and see a greyhound.
"I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look
at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"
3 people were on a plane. One said to the pilot, "I have a glass bottle.
What do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. The
second one asked the same question and the pilot also told him to throw
it out the window. The third one asked the pilot, "I have a bomb. What
do I do with it?" The pilot told him to throw it out the window. When they
landed they met a man crying. When asked why he was crying, he replied,
"Because I got hit in the head with a glass bottle.
They met a woman who was crying for the same reason. Then the met a
man laughing. They asked him why he was laughing and he replied, "Because
I walked by a building and farted. Then the building blew up.
These are things which you would never have learned were it not for the movies
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.
No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to
any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night,
you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
- When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks
are your best weapons.
- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than
20 men firing at 1 man.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication
systems of any invading alien civilization.
- All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage
despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
- When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the
person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
- The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they
will fall in love.
WHY ASK WHY?
1)Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
2)If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
3)Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
4)Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
5)Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
6)Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
7)You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
8)If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?
SOME CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK
1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
wife."
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
3. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here
to ruin it for me."
4. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like
to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
5. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
6. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!"
Here are some pick-up lines that work every time!!!!
1. Go up to a girl and say "Can I see your Tag" (On the back of their
shirt)
when they say why say, "'Cause I want to see if you were made in heaven.
2. (At A Bar) Your pretty ugly. No one's going to talk to you.
Why don't you just cut your losses and come home with me!!!
3. You: Are you taking applications for the position of girlfriend/boyfriend?
Them: No/Yes
You: Want mine?
4. Is your father a baker? Because you've got great buns!
5. Baby are you from Tennessee cause your the only Ten I see!
6. Baby, I'm not Fred Flinstone, but I could make you Bedrock
7. Q:Did it hurt?
A: Excuse me?
Q:When you fell from heaven, did it hurt?
8. You must be a horrable person because God took all your beauty and
used it for the outside
9. Baby, are those moon pants you're wearing? 'Cause your out of this
world!
10. Im not trying to pick you up, because youre to heavy!
11. Do you have a quarter?
(wait for anwser) Because my mom told me to call her when i met god!
12. Guy to girl: Are your parents terrorists?
'Cause you're the bomb.
13. Get a single rose and walk up to her/him, hand it to that person,
and say...
Here this buds for you.
14. Is there an airport near or is that my heart taking off.
15. Male: Girl, You know your dad's a thief,
Female: Why?
Male: Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your
eyes
16. Excuse me. Did you just fart?
17. Hey, my name is milk and I could do your body good.
18. A: Excuse me.....What time is it??
B: [gives time]
A: I'm sorry, did you just say "I love you!"?
19. Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
20. Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by
tomorrow, she's putting me up for adoption.
21. "Excuse me, but you dropped something back there" Woman: "What's
that?" You: "This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight."
22. I wonder what our children will look like.
23. Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell
out of here.
24. Is your last name Gillette, it must be because you are the best
a man can get.
25. Would you be my Life-Line?
26. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
27. I'd marry your cat just to get in the family.
28. If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
29. So, you're a girl huh?
30. Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
31. Hi, my friends call me Creepy.
32. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
33. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
34. Is that a false nose?
35. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like
that.
36. I'm drunk.
