Dear Mr. Complex,
You have nothing to worry about. You are simply being paranoid. I'm sure this girl wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you as she sounds like she is otherwise a very lovely person. Perhaps she simply wanted to see how long it would take you to visit her page as she is possibly a little tease or maybe she didn't feel confident enough that you would like it.
So, Mr. Complex, just visit her page often and check for updates and don't take things so personally.
Signed,
Dr. Amy
Always here to help.

Dear Amy,
I share a room with a Bi-sexual and my sister can't stop masturbatioing at the Kitchen table. what should I do?
signed,
Very Afraid

Dear Very Afraid,
You have nothing to worry about, this is a very common problem. First, let's start off with your sister. The most important thing to think about while solving a problem like this, is prevention. Have you ever tried yanking her from the table *before* she begins to masturbate, and taking her right then and there? In layman's terms, this is called "jumping her bones". It is sure to be an effective way of fulfilling her needs. A bonus to this is that you don't have to worry about unplanned pregnancies. Babies conceived between siblings are sure to have birth defects and likely won't survive long, if at all. And with that in mind, you can easily solve the problem of your roommate! Have you thought of ménage à trois? As you are getting it on with your sister on the kitchen floor, have your roommate join in. It is just like those Frosted Shredded Wheat commercials. The person in those TV ads likes Frosted Shredded Wheat, because the adult in him likes the shredded wheat side, while the child in him likes the frosted side. With a bisexual, you have similar circumstances. The homo in him will like the masculinity in you (however little there may be, Mr. "Very Afraid"), while the hetero in him will like the femininity in your sister. Voilà! Everyone is happy, problem solved. Right now, you are probably slapping your forehead and saying, "Why didn't I think of that!" Well don't take it too hard. I am, afterall, the smart doctor and you are just the stupid patient. Just try not to get yourself into too many of these situations.
Signed,
Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy,
Can you tell me what you think of this situation, please?
I'm married IRL, but I also have a husband on Furcadia. Now, my RL hubby is very jealous of my relationship with my Furc hubby. Is it wrong of him to be jealous, or wrong of me to have started the Furc relationship? I find that I have to erase my logfiles because of my RL hubby's snooping to see what we're up to. I'd like to know your thoughts.
Signed,
Having Fun But Is It Wrong?

Dear Having Fun,
First of all does your Furcadian hubby know that you are married in the real world? How many secrets are you hiding? Is there something that's wrong in real life that makes you want to escape to Furcadia for a little excitement?
If your hubby is snooping, then you must have given him some reason to do this. He probably needs some of the attention that you are giving to your computer. My advise to you is to come clean with everyone and get your priorities straight.
Signed,
Dr. Amy

I lost my "someone" and am now contemplating jumping from a bridge over troubled water. Is there any reason why I should not jump?
-Signed
lonely and abandoned albino

Dear lonely and abandoned,
There are many reasons not to jump. For one, what if you miss? It could really hurt! Second, what if you live, but you are paralyzed? You could end up having to have some old, ugly nurse feed you and wipe you butt for the rest of your life.
Remember, suicide is a long term solution for a short term problem and like the song says, find a new friend who will be your bridge over the troubled water:

Bridge Over Troubled Water

When your weary, feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes, I will dry them all;
I'm on your side. When times get rough
And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When your on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
When darkness comes
And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silvergirl,
sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
If you need a friend
I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.

I know, what a corny song... but hey, what else am I supposed to say to someone who is feeling sorry for themself? Get on with your life... =)
Signed,
Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy-
Everyone knows that the answer to the questions of life the universe, and everything is 42, but what is the question?
I MUST KNOW!!!!! I have this fixation with the number 42, please HELP ME!!
-- A. Dent

Dear A. Dent,
The answer to your question is, "What do you get when you multiply six by nine?" That question was in a book, and I'm pretty sure that's the question to your answer. It came from the book Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Although, 6 multiplied by 9 is actually 54...
However, considering the maturity of some of my patients... In a twisted, perverted way, the combination of the two numbers do make sense. 6 multiplied by 9, 69? And concerning 42, the only thing that comes to mind is 4:20. Either, in your point of view, all the answers to the universe involve marijuana and sex, or you're just a big fan of the Hitchhiker book. Either way, it strange... But anyway, I hope that helps your little fixation with that number...

Signed,
Dr. Amy

I recently broke off an engagement and now it seems that every male feline knows that I am available. I have to hit them off with a stick! How do I get these guys to leave me alone??
-Don't wanna be tied down!!

Dear Not wanting to be tied down,
I know what you mean about having to fight guys off with sticks. It's constantly mating season for male furres, and almost every single male has some reference of wanting a female companion in his description. Once a single, desperate male spots a single female... then well, what else is there to do other than beat them back with sticks? Castrate them all? Though, I've found being rude to them works too. But if you insist on being nice to every guy that comes onto you, then maybe you should add a QQQ code claiming to be a dyke. That would be a sure turn off to the horny males! That is, if you don't mind having horny lesbians coming on to you. But honestly, have you ever tried writing anything in your description saying that you don't want a relationship at this moment? And if that doesn't work, try lying to them by claiming that you're over 60 years old, a guy in real life, or just claim to be married, one of those should send them running in the opposite direction.

-Dr. Amy

Dr. Amy-
I am really, really looking for that someone. But every time I start "trolling" for a companion, all of them come on WAY too strong! What should I do?
Signed,
Maybe I SHOULD stay single.....

Dear Maybe I Should Stay Single,
Well, what can I say other than almost all the male felines, or any other species of males on Furcadia are perverts. You should know that their brains are in their crotches... And I'm not one of those crazy feminists, I speak from experience! By all of this I'm assuming that you are female, but if I'm mistaken... then oops... And I'm not saying that females are perfect, many of them portray themselves as sluts by the things they put in their descriptions, with their supposed G-strings and big breasts... But anyway, my advice to you, for either a male or a females, is that you don't let on that you are looking for someone, but instead look for companions to talk to as friends before you look for companions to become close with. This way you'll be able to patrol the prospective companions and will be able to, at the same time, find that someone without being mobbed by raving perverts.
Once again,
Dr. Amy
Always here to help.

hi Dr. Amy,

i find that i want to take over the world often and it's beginning to depress me as i grow older. i have come to realize that this is an infeasible goal when i take into account how fast open-ended marketing systems and telecommunications are bringing the planet into a single unified community.

my question is this, should i live and let live by simply allowing life to continue on it's meteoric downward spiral to oblivion, or 2 should i obtain some fissionable plutonium and try to start a thermonuclear holocaust and save everyone from next years taxes?
thanks again,
Jason (PINwURL) Jones
umbriel@flash.net

Dear Jason,
First of all, what makes you think that the world is heading for oblivion? What you are feeling is a lack of control and the lack of power in certain aspects of your life. Remember that knowledge is power and there is so much you can learn using these systems you so despise. As you mentioned this has happened as you age, could this possibly be a mid-life crisis? Most men overcome this by buying a fancy new car and hooking up with a younger woman. However, if you must blow up something, why not start with the IRS and make some friends while you're at it.
Signed,
Dr. Amy

P.S. Viagra might help your little problem as well, it could help bring control back into your life.

Dear Dr. Amy,
Every time I come across a "Mr. Right", it seems that he already is taken, married, engaged, etc. Is it something that I am doing wrong or do I just have bad luck in love?
-Bad Aim?

Dear Bad Aim,
I'm sorry to say that of course the Mr. Rights are already taken. If he's that wonderful to you, then I would think that any other single female would have noticed before you did. Unfortunately, the Mr. Rights are a minority in Furcadia, and the perverts run rampant. Every female, or single male disguised as a female (there's a lot of them...) is looking for a Mr. Right, and most of them are already taken. You're not doing anything wrong, you're just looking for an endangered species. My advice to you is that you begin looking in places where no one else has thought to look. There's a Mr. Right out there somewhere, you just haven't looked in the right places.
Good luck on your search.
-Dr. Amy

Dear Doctor Amy:
I recently found this guild that I really want to join but as intiation, they require one to sing "Blue Moon" while swallowing swords and mooning oncoming traffic. I know I could do the first two but mooning oncoming traffic is not appealing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
sword swallowing choir member

Dear Choir Member,
Quite a problem you have, but I can see where you're coming from. Most people who have rather large, jiggly buttocks usually feel the same way. You are simply feeling self-conscious about your over sized rear end, and there are two solutions that I can give you.
Number one: If standing in front of on coming traffic is such a difficult task for you, you might consider forgetting the idea of joining the guild altogether--saving us all from awful sight of your rear.
Number two: Perhaps purchasing a Butt Master, or the video Buns of Steel, and losing that flabby hind end of yours might cure your fear of bearing your rear for everyone else to see, and would prevent the ten car pile up on the freeway from the shock of seeing a horse's ass coming toward them.
Why this is the kind of guild you are searching for is beyond me. However, if you insist on joining this guild, be sure to swallow those swords carefully or you may be singing "Blue Moon" in soprano permanently, and watch out for crazy drivers. Good luck on joining the guild.
As always,
Dr. Amy

Dr. Amy,
It seems that every time I find what seems like a "nice girl", it turns out she's a total jerk, two timing me or runs off and marries another guy. Should I give up?
Tired of being "dropped"

Dear Tired of being "dropped",
How long have you known these girls before deciding that they're a "nice girl"? Why not do what they're doing and play the field? There's no need to give up on your search for your "nice girl". You can't expect to find that perfect someone immediately. Just have fun and make friends before you look for someone you'd like to marry, and don't expect too much out of it, or you'll end up disappointed. Get to know them beforehand, and know for sure that she is a nice girl and not a jerk that will cheat on you or marry someone else. The trick is really not to look at all and to let them find you. It'll happen sometime, and when it does, you'll know.
-Dr. Amy
P.S. You might want to hook up with Bad Aim.

Dear Doctor Amy,
I met this guy and at first, he was really sweet. But now, all he can focus on what is wrong in his life. I am *really* sick of him complaining! He promised to straiten up but he didn't. He does the same thing everytime I leave him. How do I keep from falling for his ploy again? Sign me,
Sick and Tired of Being Lied To

Dear Sick and Tired,
How do you keep from falling for his ploy again? Leave him. Let him flounder in his problems if he has so many. However, if you're still having problems with him and you find yourself feeling sorry for him again, try convincing him that you're the loser and make him leave you. Whatever he's done to make you want to leave him, you should do the same. If you're having problems leaving him, then the only thing to do is to make him leave you.
-Dr. Amy

Dr.,
I recently found out who my boyfriend left me for and now everytime I see her, I have this urge to rip her guts out. Can you help me to stop feeling this way or at least recommend a good mental institution to check in to? I don't want to be the ex-girlfriend from heck!
Don't Make Me Kill Again!!!

Dear Don't Make Me Kill Again,
To begin with, why are you angry at the girl who stole you boyfriend? I mean, she's not the one who left you for someone else. I think you should be focusing your angry on your ex, and maybe if you still have feelings for him, you'll be less likely to cause any bodily injuries to him. But really, that's just my "professional advice". Honestly, if I was in your situation I think I'd kill her, or I'd at least play some dirty trick on your ex and his new girlfriend. I couldn't just let them go on without knowing my anger, that's just not fun. Convince your ex that his new girlfriend is a man in real life, or that she's an ex-lesbian. Anything to give your ex nightmares for the rest of his life.
As always,
Dr. Amy

Doctor Amy,
I do not have any trouble getting boyfriends, my trouble is *keeping* them! It seems that after some time (days or months, anything in between), they find another gal to hangout with. Can you help me fix this? Am I doing something wrong or getting the wrong guy?
-not exactly superglue here....

Dear Not exactly,
Wow, you certainly are a troubled person, aren't you? From not wanting to be tied down and considering staying single, to not being able to find "Mr. Right" and having to swallow swords and moon on coming traffic. And if that wasn't enough troubles already, you've switched sexes and couldn't find that "nice girl". I'm guessing that life as a male didn't go good for you because you switched back to a female, but only to be lied to by more girls and to then having trouble containing yourself, you got urges to kill someone! And then back to not being able to keep your boyfriends... Whew, you are a messed up person! Unfortunately, my expertise is not qualified to handle so many problems. Perhaps a long stay at a resort with men in white coats and padded walls might do the trick. A frontal lobotomy doesn't sound like a bad idea either. But please, Not exactly, seek help in different places because I can't handle so many problems from one person!
-Dr. Amy

I can't find a person named Gandalf the 2nd.

From Batty

Dear Batty,
I don't know, I'm still looking for Waldo…
Always,
Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy,
Recently I went into a relationship with a great guy, he was definitley Mr. Right! But then he fell in love with this other tramp. AND HE STILL WANT TO BE WITH ME. He wants to be with both of us. I love him a lot so what should i do?
From, Without a clue

Dear Without a Clue,
Three words "ménage à trois".
-Docteur Amy

Dear Dr. Amy,

I honestly think that you are possibly the biggest b*#%@ I have ever had the displesuer of meeting, is it just me or does anyone else feel this way? If so, please write in doing this ): ): ):
Honest

Dear Honest,
Why thank you! I'm assuming that the word you were trying to find (b*#%@) was babe, and as soon as I can find out what "displesuer" is, I'm sure many others do in fact feel the same as you do. Also, as soon as I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing ): ): ): I'll write again.
I appreciate your contribution to this forum, but next time perhaps you can leave out the flattery. I mean after all, this page isn't for boosting my ego, because my ego is just fine. This page is to help people like you with your problems.
Signed,
Dr. Amy - the Babe.

Dear Dr. Amy,
I have a slight problem on my paws.. You see, my mate has become a walking vegetable. He doesn't say anything and his eyeballs keep falling out of their sockets.. To top it all off he enjoys killing himself in front of me and my sister will hurt him any chance she can get that I won't find out. Now he's asking for the Evil him's ashes so he can come back. What should I do?

~Suicidal

Dear Suicidal,
Perhaps if you can find Gandalf the 2nd, then maybe he can answer your questions. This one's too deep, even for Dr. Amy.
Better luck next time.
-Dr. Amy

Dear Dr.Amy,
I think I'm hearing voices in my head, NO YOU AREN'T! YES YOU ARE! I can't seem to get these voices to shut up! WHO US? YOU MEAN ME! NO SHE MEANS US! WE JUST WANT TO TALK! Sometimes they are mean, but sometimes nice! IM THE NICE ONE=) NO YOUR NOT=( I AM=)! I was wondering if i could get the mean one to shut up but keep the nice ones. YOU CANT GET ME TO SHUT UP IM HERE FOREVER!*LIGHNING AND EVIL LAUGHTER* NO HES JUST BLUFFIN'! see what i mean theyre taking over my brain! NO WERE NOT! this is me again PLEASE help!HEY I SAID THAT!
-Emma, Lois, Michael& Jennifer

Dear Emma, Lois, Michael, and Jennifer,
Believe it or not, this is a very common problem. People are being possessed by good and evil spirits every day. You see, spirits (especially ones of the evil nature), enjoy taking on better forms, such as our imperfect, mortal bodies so that they can experience pleasure, thus making us do evil, unspeakable monstrosities such as yiffing. Simply convert to celibacy, and or consider castration (You see, your sexual organs are the gateway that the evil spirits use to get into your soul), and voilá, no more pleasure seeking, evil spirits. Only the good spirits are left, hopefully…
By the way, I offer discounts in butcher knife castrations and circumcisions.
Signed,
Dr. Amy Bobbit

Greeting and Halutinations.I'm haveing a Bad day,My imaginary freind won't talk to me, my cat ate the mouse for my computer,and I'm hearing voices telling me that Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ. Am I loseing it or merly demented?
Signed:Neon

Dear Neon,
No, you're not losing it, you're just demented.
Glad I could help.
-Dr. Amy

I was reading newsgroups a few days ago, and today I noticed the question posted by a certain A.Dent. I immediatly went back to the newsgroup and copied this post, and I hope it helps with the answer... (BTW - the thread is actually (truly!) about going to war with RL.

--SNIP!--
I does sort of go with how I've been doing my web-site (inc still.) The reality side and the virtual or chaos side. There are so many things with need righting in reality. And people out there question why we like to create dream worlds! (one day they'll see it wasn't just a dream.)

Acck: Side message: [CRAZY THOUGHT WARRNING]
I've been thinking for a long time about the worry that some people have about 'reality' being just a dream. Well, what difference would it make if it was? Would you want to act any differently? Would you act any differently? Not me. that's why there's just one of me as apposed to a typist and a dragon. I am what I am. Nothing more, nothing less.

If there was a giant computer somewhere that all of reality ran inside of, and all of what you see around you was really just calculations inside of such a wonderous machine, there might be no way of telling it was not so. And if you think about the quantum interaction of all those little particles you may realize that they are, in reality, each a tiny computer which merely determines where it's supposed to move next based on where everything else it now. >10^42 of these little computers make up the universe computer...

Dear SNIP,
Thank you for you input… although, you lost me after your first sentence…
-Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy,
I am a furre with genital herpes and fur-AIDS. I've been yiffing everyone before finding this out, and now there is a relatively large number of furres that may be carring these diseases! They could die!! And it all my fault!! I'm too scared to admit it to any of them, but this is it.....the end of furcadia! ARMAGEDDON!!!!!!!!
From,
Charmander

P.s: I have a crazy beard.

Dear Charmander,
You need to chop off your tallywagger, and rid yourself of the evil spirits. Oh, and it is all your fault, but it serves you right.
By the way, it will not be an Armageddon because the good and innocent people such as Dr. Amy will live on forever and ever and ever.
Signed,
Dr Amy… forever and ever and ever…

P.S. Shave.

uhh...hehe i like rice hehe i like rice hehe rice is good hehe yummy yummy RICE GEME RICE U FAT BITCH!! RICE!!

Dear Rice Boy,
Converted or perverted rice?
-Dr. Amy

I hear ringing everyday annoys me alot...after a while i have to get drunk to stop it. THEN i wake up in alaska or something.

Dear Whoever you Are,
Turn off your damned alarm clock.
-Dr. Amy

Dear Dr. Amy
I have been looking for the dragon lands but can't seem to find it is it up or is it not?
Thank you
Rin1, Albez@msn.com

Dear Rin1,
I don't know where the Dragon Lands are. Ooh, maybe Gandolf the 2nd is there.
-Dr. Amy the psychiatrist, not the road map.

I'm a cat, but I want to be a Panda, what do I do doctor? In Chinese, a Panda is DeXiongMao, which translates as GreatForestCat... See my problem? I want to be a big fluffy black and white Panda, but all I am is an ordinary skinny cat. Please help...

Dear Skinny Cat,

We all want something that we can't have. Besides, I'm a doctor, not a magician. However, you might try asking Smoking Bob for help.
Good luck.
-Dr. Amy

Dear Amy,
I have read your page many times and I find that most of your advise makes me laugh! so I have a problem, I can't stop laughing!
Sincerly,
Sir LAFFSALOT

Dear Sir Laffsalot,
Lay off the happy pills.
-Dr. Amy

Dear Amy...
WHat should I do if I want to get a guy right away? I feel so insecure without one..
Sincerley....Insecure.

Dear Insecure,
First of all, I recommend becoming friends first so that your friendship will grow and blossom into a romance and possibly last longer than week. However, if you're as desperate as you seem, this might take too much time for you. So I suggest writing a sexy description or make up a smutty name, perhaps mention "yiffing" and go stand about on the main map. Or if you're too shy for that, search for a guy with a description you like, and just happen to bump into him when he's alone. Begin stalking him, and when he notices, smile and be real friendly. Make a dream, and ask if he'll come see how wonderful it is (be sure that it has many pillows of his favorite color!). Then once he's in your dream and sitting down, seduce him!
This is just suggested though. Personally, I would be friends first, but do what you want.
-Dr. Amy

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