Synopsis: The Adventures of Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke from Northern Land (up North) is an extension of a character I have slowly built up in my own satirical writings which I feel would work better in a visual and aural medium as opposed to a written one. He was created as an answer to every comedy television sketch ever devised where people from the North are generally represented as stupid. Noticing this, my creation is basically a complete exaggeration of these characteristics. It is not a swipe at people from the North, just the televisual stereotype
Hello, I'm Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke. From Northern Land. Up North. People don't seem to think I'm very intelligent. I wonder why that is?
Now humour. There's a funny thing. I was just watching the television t'other day and that exciting fly-on-the-wall documentary The Fast Show on it. There was a bloke, right, called Unlucky Alf. He was a bit unlucky, you see. That being his name and everything. Anyway, right, he was walking along a street and he just fell into a pot hole! Just like that! You would have thought he would have seen it. And he was Northern! What are they trying to say, that Northerners are thick or something?
Anyway, it's lucky that you're here, as just lately I've been on my own for quite a bit. I'm not sure why really. It's meant I've had to find ways to entertain myself. But it's all so boring! I don't really like sport. Football's a bit boring. Who decided that that kicking a ball around would make a good game? It's not. 'I know, I think I'll kick a ball around' 'Aah, but not before I stop you and kick the ball the other way' 'But I'm going to take it back and kick it back the other way' for a whole ninety minutes. My attention span can't wait that long! It's so stupid! Why don't they use their hands? It would be so much easier. Well I think I've found a sport that's far more interesting and is easy to play. Outstaring a mirror. It's really addictive but the other bloke is far better than me though and never seems to lose. It's always a challenge. Great fun.
Anyway, I was just thinking t'other day about Chris Evans. How does that work? It seems a bit odd to me. Let's take that Anthea Turner for example. It seems that you go with someone else's husband, a bit of adultery like, you split up with him then you go on TFI Friday and chat to Chris like, and suddenly eh-oop, everything's alright again! You're not a slut or anything! It's just like magic! I wonder if it would work for anything. Say, you nick a Mars bar from a shop, I don't know, maybe a King Size one worth about 50p but although you get out of the shop, you're caught on one of them security camera things and they sell the tape to Police, Camera, Action! or to The Sun or something and they put it on the front page, along with a picture of Melinda Messenger or something. Anyway, maybe you could get on TFI Friday and chat to Chris and everything will be alright? That would be superb, wouldn't it?
Now I don't know about any of you lot but about 15 years ago I think there was something a bit fishy going on. It was about Queen. Not The Queen, she couldn't do rock, but Queen, the Freddie Mercury thing. They did a song called 'Flash' and it went 'Flash.... AAHHHHH!' Well, I don't know about you but I want to know why they chose Flash and not Jif or something. I mean, could you imagine that? 'Jif... AAHHHHHH!' Maybe it wouldn't quite work. Maybe they were paid. I don't know.
But now I want to show you something. Have you ever seen that thing where they hide something under a cup, then they move it about a bit to confuse you and then you have to guess which cup it's under? That's marvellous that, isn't it? For some reason and I don't know why I keep losing at it. It's the fact that there's only one cup makes it a bit worrying. And I haven't been drinking. Anyway, I think it's a marvellous thing and I've been practicing for a long time to perfect the technique because that's what I want to do with my ife, I'm going to become a magician and I wouldn't have practiced it if it weren't going to happen, would I? Of course not. See, I'm not that thick! Anyway, it's all the telly's fault. If I hadn't seen the wonderful Paul Daniels and the lovely Debbie Magee do something like this then it would never have happened. Do you want to see me try? I'll bet my house keys on this that you won't be able to guess which cup they're under. I'll just need to get my three cups... oh, hang on they're different to the ones I normally use [Produces three transparent glasses from his bag] right these will do I think. OK then [places a key under one of the glasses] OK, watch the cups carefully, round and round they go, where they stop nobody knows. That's a lie actually, I do. I put it there. OK, which one's the key under and remember if you get it right you win my key so you can break into my house at any time. OK then, which one is it under? [They should invariably get it right]. Oh, that shouldn't have happened. How about a best of three? Well you've got no choice in the matter. OK then, round and round it goes. I hope you're watching carefully. OK then, I've finished. Where's the key? [Again, they should get it right]. Oh. That wasn't supposed to happen. Are you sure you want this? Are you really sure? I think there must be something wrong with these.
I've just thought of something else. You know that Flash/Jif thing? Why didn't they use Tesco Value Washing Up Liquid instead? I mean, could you imagine that? 'Tesco Value Washing Up Liquid... AAHHHHHH!'
[Looks at watch]
Oh, is that the time? I suppose I'd better be off then. You know, practicing my staring technique for the next time I stand in front of a mirror Maybe I'll get to chat to Chris Evans as well. See ya!
Happily, the actual thing itself went quite well with the teachers/examiners laughing several times (which trying to be comedy is probably a good thing) but with the Chris Evans joke and the Three glass trick (which to be honest works very well visually and acted well with the timeing and expression of inherently not seeing the problem but written down might not have the same effect) seemed to go down the best. Fair enough!
Sadly, my analysis was a bit piecemeal and it's only after you've done it you realise how much more could have been put into it. No mention of Genesis' (Genesi?) or of structure or anything like that. Some reasonable language and dialect notes though. Oh well.
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