Tragically, it's... MFI THURSDAY!!! Issue 1.And here's your host... Nick Gates! Thank you, you're too kind. No, really. On today's show, an exclusive interview with 5ive! Here they are! (The music from The Riverboat Georgina advert plays). Hello! I'd just like to say before we start that I think your music's great. "Fanks, phat mutha". Ha , ha, ha! Aren't they crazy (with a k)? That's what I thought too. So, lets ask individual questions. Ginger 5ive you say that you take any inspiration from the Spice Girls? "Who are they? Bloke power!". Crazy. Scary 5ive, why are you so scary? "I just am, phat mutha". Hmm. Quite. Sporty 5ive, are you really sporty? "No, actually it's irony. You see, unlike Alanis Morrisette, we can actually do irony. I'm the intellectual member of the group. I actually have a particular love of art and literature. I've got one GCSE you know. In woodwork." Posh 5ive, are you posh? "Yes. Wiccida wiccida whack (Copyright Terence Knox 1998)!" And finally, Baby 5ive, are you a baby? "Ga, ga!" Well, that's amazing, quite frankly. So when you all wrote this song, who inspired you for those wonderful lyrics? "Well, we sort of all followed the Noel Gallagher school of songwriting and we wanted to convey the feeling of something and we know that ceiling rhymed with feeling so we came up with "If you've got the feeling jump onto the ceiling" phat mutha." But how would you do that? I mean, you don't mention anti-gravity boots in your song, do you? "That much is true." 5ive everybody! TV Shows of the weeeeeek! 1- Fort Boyard. Tape it, watch it, love it, watch it again! And in French as well! 2- TV Offal. A television programme and not the bits of transvestites that we shouldn't eat. I make no apologies for that joke whatsoever. Philosophical question: If Terence won a televised talent contest, would the front pages of all the tabloids read 'Opportunity Knox'? Games that almost but never quite made it to the Crystal Maze with Richard O' Brien #1 Opening a door - Contestants have to open a door to get the Crystal. Developed for the 'Common Sense' zone. Dropped on the grounds of contestants finding the task that little bit too difficult. Battle of... The Bends - A fair and objective review 1- The Bends, a top little album by Radiohead including the songs Just, Street Spirit (Fade out) and lots of other stuff I can't quite remember because I haven't got the album! You cannot get this underwater though, you have to venture to a shop to get this. There would be no OK Computer without this album. 2- The bends, a condition bought on by coming up from underwater too quickly. The result of which involves having to stay inside a decompression area for several hours. If you're masochistic you may have hours of fun with this but you do have to go diving to get it, you can't buy the condition from a shop and decompression chambers cost a bomb but at least it means you can do it again! 3- The bends, something that happens on roads to slow down driving. This is bad if you happen to be Jeremy Clarkeson or you are Damon Hill and Micheal Schmacher is right behind you. They are however a necessary evil and the world would be a straighter place without them. Competition! Whoever can make the most amusing anagram of the phrase 'I WAS A TEENAGE BISEXUAL FOETUS', using all the letters will win a huge prize. If you're Ethiopian. That's right, 50p! (Bad taste joke courtesy of Bad Jokes inc. Do you want bad? Do you want jokes? Do you want inc.? Then you want Bad Jokes Inc!) Birthday Prediction Is it your birthday today? Then travel through the stars with Mystic Nick..."Your year will start off with lots of presents. You will recieve more presents around about Christmas time. Next year you will be and feel a year older." Villain of the weeeeek! This week it is 'Chicken Dopiaza with Pilau Rice' which you can buy at Tesco for 99p (although that is actually half price, it actually has £1.99 crossed out to show it's superb quality cheapness) and is described as 'Unbeatable Value'. The meal itself is described as tender pieces of chicken breast in a spicy sauce flavoured with pureed and sliced onions, tomato and coriander served with pilau rice. Yes, it sounds good to me too ands it tastes good. So why is it Villain of the Week? Because on the front, it looks as if there is a lot there but it is only when you've opened up and cooked it and put it on a plate (where it is in fact impossible to present as well as it looks on the front) you release that Tesco have actually played a joke on you - The box isa actually a TARDIS and everything shrinks when it's taken out - there is virtually nothing there! Laugh - I nearly didn't. Vindaloo, vindaloo, and we all like Vindaloo we're going to score one more grain of rice than you. Tesco! Games that almost but never quite made it onto The Crystal Maze with Richard O' Brien #2 A new feature of games that never quite made it to The Crystal Maze... and why! The Chest Freezer game. Inside the room is a chest freezer which is full up of boxes of food. The Crystal is hidden in an empty box of Lasange which is inevitably right at the bottom. However, the contestants can only get out of the room on the proviso that all the food boxes are back in the fridge and the top shuts. It was planned for the 'Iceland' zone - the zone that makes things easy for Mum. Dropped on the grounds of: actually being impossible. It is actually a proven fact that once you take things out of a chest freezer, the space inside the freezer actually shrinks no matter how well you put everything back, making the whole challenge impossible. Song of the weeeeek! just has to be Funky Town by Lipps Inc (Lipps inc! Lipps inc! Lip sync! Geddit? I didn't.) which I will print the lyrics to next week. Fantasy 'When will my brother put up his Christmas decorations' 1998 My brother is a little bit odd. He likes his Christmas decorations and decorates our bedroom. This makes it look all Christmassy. Hurrah! However, he seems to put them up earlier and earlier each year so my question is... Which date will he put them up this year? You have two weeks to get your answers in and the closest will win themselves a biro of a colour of their choosing. This is the end of the line, I've seen the storyline played out so many times before. And that goes in there, and that goes in there, and that goes in there and that goes in there ouugh, and then it's over. Woah, what a hell of a show but what I want to know, what exactly do you do for an encore (Yeah)? Cos this is hardcore. Pulp managed to get to 22 with 'A Little Soul' and then slid right out the next week. You've gotta laugh, but they did play at Glastonbury yesterday. This is what I do for an encore. Hmm. The End of the Page Page seems to be creeping up on me fast so this'll be quick. Write to me for inclusion for a new feature - It's Your Mail and I'd like to know people you would like me to interview. 5ive said "You were really good phat mutha" and that interview REALLY DID take place. Any contributions given I promise I won't read until the day before this goes out to ensure complete topicality in the answers which could be interesting, but then again it might not. Remember, the longer your letters, the smaller the writing! This edition was brought to you in a font size of 8 and the grammatical terms 'noun', 'verb' and 'adjective' and the rhetorical term 'dimuntio'. To be ecologically sound, I will only print one copy which will always fit on one side. Bring your magnifying glass! My website: www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/8092/ Pink Grapefruits accepted willingly. Not because I like them, (they're disgusting) but I can throw them at peoples heads. Goodbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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