Dead before it's even started... What is a punk music fan's favourite fizzy drink? Iggy Pop. On that bombshell it's time for MFI TUESDAY (NOW WE ARE 10) with your host 'Our Graham', the voiceover man from Shooting Stars and Blind Date Hello! But what will we go for first today? Will it be Number 1, the cult camp compulsive gameshow 'Is it Irony'? Or will you pick item number two, It's Your Mail? Or will it be item Number three, an exclusive inteview with Jane Austen-Powers! (The theme to The Riverboat Georgina plays). So, hello Jane. "Greetings, it is most pleasureable to have the acqiescence to be in your company this evening." So, you're here to plug your new book then. "Yeah, it is entitled 'Shag and Shagability', it is an eighteenth century period drama with subtle touches of irony and sarcasm in it, as well as plenty of uses of the words 'countenance', 'acquiesence' and 'advantageous' in it. And lots of shagging. Do I make you horny baby?' Not really, after all you do seem to be half woman and half bloke which scares me, quite frankly. So then, your other books, if you don't mind me saying, they're not very good are they? 'And what do you mean by that?' Well, if you don't mind me saying, they're far too verbose and if you don't mind me saying, reading it is a bit of a grind. 'How dare you insult me like that? I think my books are totally shagadellic. I'm the Queen of irony you know, not to mention the mistress of the complex sentence.' No, that's just what various English teachers say i order to try and raise interest in what is really a dull book. 'Well I'm offended.' and admit it, you aren't really Jane Austen Powers because he/she/it doesn't actually exist. I'm willing to bet you are actually an out of work actor called Keith who probably lives somewhere in the South East. Am I right? '... Yes.' Jane Austen Powers everybody! It's your Mail, it's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail. Oh goody, a mail double bill today, again! I shall pick the first one by complete randomality (i.e. the one that happens to be on top of the pile as I pull them out). The first one says on the front 'This a piece of paper not a werewolf do not shoot it with a cliched silver bullet' You've Been Framed faux pas moment etc.etc. "Dear Mr Nickly Wickly Woo, I have written a poem: 'I think your page is really good/ like a lilly made of eggs/ But it would be better, made of wood/ from antique table legs.' I feel that you are however almost certainly Steve Waters and as such I have composed another poem. 'Nick, you're Steve/ You wear his sleeve/ on your head, yeah!' Well bye and my obligatory vampire joke is: 'Q: What is a vampire's favourite number? A: 17.' Terry Knox in a fridge on a bridge. --large amounts of tipp-ex Yay.' Well, I liked your first poem but I'm afraid Nick couldn't read this for I am 'Our Graham', the voiceover bloke from Shooting Stars and Blind Date. I'm actually unsure how I would get to write this on Antique table legs but there you go. What is everybody's fascination with the number 17? It scares me quite frankly. AND HOW BIG IS CHISWICK? I ask if it's the size of a table, you say no! I ask if it's the size of a flea, you say no! I ask if it's the same size a a coat laid out in the middle of the table, you say no! It's upsetting me! And for the final time... Ladies and gentleman, I am NOT Steve Waters. Thank you. Our second letter this week is a 'PG, some letters may be unsuitable for young children'. He's right you know, ever since the age of two i've been particularly scared of the letters 'q', 'x' and 'z'. I think it was something to do with Sesame Street and the Count (no, I won't bother). And what delights does this bring? Let's open it up and have a look: Oh, that was a mistake, they've only gone and written the whole thing in wibbly writing! No excuse, so I'm going to put my editorial powers to the full. Ah, the power. 'Dear Mr Nick Gates, I'm sorry I shouted at you last time but now I've got this stuff to drink which kind of makes the room float. They let me but it tasted yucky. I really liked everything and I want to enter fantasy obligitory vampire joke, here goes: Why do vampires drink blood? because if they didn't then people would point at them and go "oh a vampire which doesn't drink blood! what a freek" and throw stones at him. I also want to enter 'fantasy when will my brother put up his christmas decorations', my entry is "he won't" because my brother doesn't do christams decorations he leaves me to do them. I think I'll go stare at the plants for a while, oh and by the way, you are steve waters byyyee.' Well, Alex didn't put his name on the letter but being the spiteful git that I've been feeling like in the last few weeks or so I'm going to mock it anyway. Come on, it's the one constant you can be sure of. First, I've now got a headache because of the strange writing pattern, If you're that drunk you shouldn't be writing! Well, if you're sorry about last week, I'll stop being in disguise, phew. What's it like the room floating whilst you're not? Liked the vampire joke, hated the Fantasy 'when will my brother put up his christmas decorations' league for being far too clever so instant disqualification. Sorry, but it's a tough life. And you spelt 'freak' wrong. One more time... Ladies and gentlemen, I am NOT Steve Waters. I thank you. Lyrical Waxings: 'Temple of Love' reviewed! 'Temple of Love sees the Sisters of Mercy stray from their usual routine and enrole the help of famous pop band 'Steps' to help with this 'wonderful' song to give that Gothic ABBA treatment that we've been needing so long. Favourite lines include :'In the Temple of Love (love, love, love, love) you can sit in a shell and incubate, in the Temple of Love (love, love, love, love) five, six, seven, eight' 'And a devil in a black dress watches over, der, der, der, der, One for Sorrow' and 'In the Temple of Love (love, love, love, love) seek a while and you will find, in the Temple of Love (love, love, love, love) This was the Last Thing on my Mind.' Lee from Steps said: 'Yeah, we worked with The Sisters of Mercy to create the unique Gothic ABBA song. They were really scary to work with but it was to be expected really." And are you impressed that I didn't call you Scary Steps? "Yes I am." Thank you very much. Games That Never Quite MAde it to The Crystal Maze (with Richard O Brien) #17 The Apathy game. Created for the Erogenous zone, the idea is to be going out with somebody but to be completely 'Anti-anti-social' at the same time. The couple who showed the most apathy towards each other within 3:00 was the winner. Ooh, satire. Song of the Weeeekk! After much deliberation, it just has to be 'Never Gonna Give You Up' by Rick Astley. He now owns a hair dressing salon. Villain of the week: Read this blurb on the outside of this Iceland Great American Sausage, Bacon & Mushroom Deep Pan Pizza: 'A deep pan pizza with tomato, a blend of vegetarian cheese, spicy sausage, bacon and mushrooms' if you can't find why I find this so amusing, well tough. The weekly Adam Day 'You're shit' award... goes to some dog faeces. Literalism at it's very best, oh yes! Sorry. Live form Northern-land in the north, it's time to meet stereotypical thick northern bloke! Hello there, I'm stereotypical thick northern bloke! I'm from Northern-land oop North! I'm a big Pulp fan I am, but I was a bit worried when I heard that they were going to call their new album 'This is Hardcore', I mean fancy that, a CD made up entirely of road surfacing or summat! I thought they were going to have songs like 'You never live like common Pneumatic Drills' and 'Roadworks 2000' but imagine my joy when I found out there were actually going to be songs on it. Phew eh! I'm off to watch You've Been Framed with Lisa Riley from being out of Emmerdale on it. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... But is it Irony? We go behind the scenes of the cult, camp, compulsive gameshow Well, I set the questions so I should let you in behind the scenes for one week only, given that this is MFI Tuesday's 1/3 anniversary and all that (June, that was quite literally before July). First, the concept of irony. Yes, I do get it and just to prove the universal paradox I print the Oxford English Dictionary's full definition...: 'Irony - adj of or pertaining to irons'. sorry, that's bot really what it says, although actually it does but not first. Lets try again: 'Irony - n 1- an expression of meaning, often humorous or sarcastic, by use of language of a different or opposite tendency. 2- an ill-timed or perverse arrival of an event or circumstance that is in itself desireable. 3- the use of language with one meaning for a privilidged audience and another for those addressed or concerned. [L ironia f. Gk eironeria simulated ignorance f. eiron dissesembler]' so now you have no excuse. Believe me, when I use the word in everyday speech I do actually know it isn't ironic but I'm actually subtley mocking you. Gwa ha ha, I hope you are all feeling paranoid and neurotic now! But now it's time for the quiz itself. As you should know by now, I'm a fan of cult French gameshow Fort Boyard. The British version begins on Fridays nights from October the 16th (and from the ten-second clip I've seen of it, it looks very good, they've kept the same characters and actors, given they don't have speaking parts, but more importantly they've kept the horrible psychological mind games in which is always a good thing. More of The Searching Head!). However, I've also noticed that TV5 on cable are finally (about bloody time), after much 'hmm, we usually show it a week behind 'proper' French telly every other year except this one when we wait several months' deliberation showing the 1998 series of the French show. Yippee! Sadly, they are ALSO on Friday evening, inevitably clashing with the British one. It's cult, it's camp it's compulsive... but it is irony? Obligatory Vampire Joke Thanks to Ceri for this one, she won an amazing 11p! Think what you could do with 11p! You could buy 11 penny sweets! You could buy a quarter of a King Size Mars bar! Here's the joke: 'What do vampires fear most? Diarroreah.' I didn't get it at first but when you do... sadly it doesn't mock Adam but hey ho eh? (sound of Nick committing suicide for use of words 'hey ho eh'.) Perpetual Check Did anyone see the blatant free Conservative Political Broadcast on Channel Four on Sunday, called Portillo's Progress and it was SO blatant! Now I'm not particularly pro-Labour, but this was complete rubbish in a smarmy sort of 'see, now I've lost my seat I can jet off trying to be Tony Blair only 18 months too late' way. Weird Review - Superdrug soft tissues A new in-depth feature where I review something wierd. Weird! Today, they're soft tissues, they're from Superdrug, why they must be Superdrug soft tissues! They're only 19p and promise to be soft. And they are! Compared to say, a Formica kitchen work surface. I don't know, maybe Formica kitchen worksurfaces might be really good things to blow your nose on. Let's try it. (sound of Nick blowing his nose on a Formica kitchen worksurface), well, it's less absorbant yet prettier. The Late Night Imsomnics club Sunday Night and I can't get to sleep so I turn the telly on. What do I see? Some scary wierd old man who must be on some kind of hallucinogenic. Some proof, he said that Andromeda was just off the M31 (so everybody go THERE for their holidays next year then). He also mentioned something about Shooting Stars in November but everybody knows that Vic and Bob aren't doing another series of that. To top it all off (and this is the main bit which I find scary) he said 'if it's a clear night tonight you should go and make friends with a flying horse'. Is he in league with the Devil? Are Satan's minions about to rise up and overcome us all? And what is doing advertising this at 12:30 on a Sunday Night, hmm? Hey Kids! It's The Satan Fan CLub with Roy Walker (from being out of Catchphrase) - Sponsored by Jacobs Cream Crackers Hello there! I'm Roy Walker from being out of Catchphrase and I'm the most evil man in the world! You know, my catchphrase is 'It's good but it's not right', well I'm lying! I'm talking a lot of rubbish! It's a shit answer! Hahaha! Hey, say what you see, what's Mr Chips doing? Why, he worshiping Satan of course! It's good but it's not right! Ahahaha! I'm the most evil man in the world! Games that never Quite made the Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien)#18 The 'opening a packet of Superdrug tissues' game. The idea is to open the packet by pilling the sticky thing. Inside the packet was the Crystal. Sadly, the contestant only has one crack at this and if he pulls the sticky thing but the sticky thing comes off whilst attempting to open the tissues, thereby not opening the tissues, the game is lost. Why was it dropped? Because it is scientifically proven that when your nose is running and need to open a packet of tissues it is in fact impossible to do without pulling the sticky bit right off without opening the packet. (Alex, thank you) Ladies and Gentlemen for your pleasure and delight it's time for the big match that you've all been waiting for... Which is better, Meatloaf or Malt loaf? It's the question that's on everybodies lips, which is better, a past it 70 year old rock star or sweet snack. Well I tell you this, only one tastes good with butter smeared on it. Meatloaf can sing songs such as 'Bat out of Hell' and 'Bat Out Of Hell II' and he also had a role in The Rocky Horror Show, being an inanimate object makes it difficult to act and sing let alone ride a motorbike. All this is forgiven though because you can buy it three for 99p down Tescos, hurrah! This is the End of the Line and another issue of MFI Tuesday bites the dust. Actually it doesn't, it sort of gets printed and read but I digress. There's been a lot of talk on, say, Teletext about what is 'real' music. Well, it does exist because I've been listening to 'imaginary' music just lately, my collection consists of lots of good Metallica songs and a bad Pulp song. It's great! This issue has been bought to you in Point size '6' and the religious dates 'Easter Sunday' and 'Yom Kippur'. I've been Nick Gates, thank you.
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