Dead before I've even begun... What is the favourite band of someone who has recently had a foot amputated and has just had an artificial one put on? Rialto. And on that bombshell it's time for the all new MFI Tuesday in glorious Technicolor Blue (Issue #11) with your host Mr Nicolas Gates! Hmm, a weird one this week as I haven't managed to rope in any star guests for interview so instead I'm going to list the Top Three really rubbish pub names in Cambridge to the tune of 'Pick of the Pops' they used to do on Radio 1. Der-der-der-der-der-derrrrr-der-der- der-der-derrrr... Hello pop pickers and here's today's countdown... at number three it's the Rattle and Hum on King's Street, used to be the Cambridge Arms, a decent medieval sounding name and now it's turned into a shit sixties theme pub (or so I'm told - the name's bad anyway). At number two it's The Office, It used to be The Man in the Moon (I mean not literally, it's a public house not a human being) and now it's not. I bet they think they're clever with all the 'Hmm, OK love I'm just going to spend the day in The Office' related marriage arguments. 'I didn't know you drunk in The Office?' 'Well, we do now.' etc... and finally, at Number One it's 'All Bar One' which is just so shit I'm not even going to bother commenting on it. 'It's Your MAil, it's Your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail. It's mail time whether you like it or not and what letters we have this week! First, is it a bird, is it a plane? No, it's a letter but it's in the shape of a plane so as to try and confuse me. Oh you guys! In the interest of science, I'm going to throw it and see how far it flies... wow! Just enough to get into the bin! Fishing it out, it says on the front... 'This iz a letter not a baby do not change its nappy'. Good. Unfolding it the requisite six times I am faced with this: 'Dear Mr Nicksidoodle, wow, you liked my poems; here just for you are some more. O Nick Gates/ eats green plates/ the only thing about him is the way he masturbates/ yeah!!! See they're great aren't they. Anyway keep up the good work and my vampire joke is. Q Why do vampires wear black? A 'Cos it's the new brown sweety. Foogly Woogley From Terry Knox in a van on a can'. Well, I'm not impressed. At all. Here is a poem: 'O Terry Knox/ He is a git/ it doesn't rhyme/ but I don't care'. Fantastic, in fact I think I'm going to pen a song before the end of this week's issue. May I also point out your bad use of syntax saying that you were going to give me more poems when you in facty only gave me one. Fantastic. And you called me Nicksidoodle so you must have your arms broken. The other letter says on the front: 'Warning: This letter will self-destruct in 10 seconds, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0..... see I told you so didn't I' yes you did but luckily with my superhard skin I'm safe. Phew! Oh, the letter survived intact. How does it read? It doesn't, it's a piece of paper. 'Dear Mr Gates. As you can see I've calmed down a lot now and the people in the white coats say I'll be able to leave in a week if I'm good. So I'll behive nicly, hide the bodys really well and maybe next week I'll be able to write from the outside world, on paper! Thats good because I'm running out craft cheese slices to do my letters on. Since I was disqualified here's anouther entry to "fantasy when will my brother put up his christmas decorations" my answer is this: he won't he;ll convert to hinduism and reject the idea of christmas altogether hah! There we go Thanks for listening Alex Cunliffe (just think I'll be in the outside world soon)' Oh good. I'll hide the bodies in your house then, sadly I don't have the key so I'll have to try and shove them through your letter box so we'll have to hope they're letter box shape. Did you murder the mysterious letter-box shaped people from Haiti? Let's hope so. And your answer was still too clever for F'WWMBPUHCD'L (as it's known to it's friends). I'll always listen if people want an audience for anything, so keep your letters and stuff coming in! Or don't and make this job much harder (like this week where I have a complete and utter mental block). It's the villain of the week! This week I have decided the villain to be any character from any Pre-school TV childrens programme ever, apart from those on Rainbow and Hugh, Pew, Barney Magrew, Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub from Trumpton. The Weekly Adam Day "You're Shit" Award goes to DFS for making the worst adverts in television EVER. It's true, latest offer: 'these shit adverts must end Sunday' only to be replaced by a new advert and offer the next week 'these shit adverts must end Sunday'. When will it end? Every offer must end Sunday but whicj Sunday do they mean? Yes, these Fort Boyard games really DID use to exist Way back in the mists of time, back when the show was called 'La Cles de la Fort Boyard' (read: The Keys of Fort Boyard, the very show that Crystal Maze was based on) games were less of the type they are now (well, until the Adventures) were more like mild practical jokes. This game did exist. Inside the room (which was pitch black, incidentally) were the contestant (wearing a luminous hat) and some florescent, luminous leotards, the key was actually inside one of the leotards. Simple and not particualrly funny until I tell you that the leotards were worn, most of them by statues but the other ones were on real women (but of course, the contestant doesn't realise until it's too late)... and because the contestant couldn't tell which was which because of the darkness led to much slapping fun! Mad Drummers and Englishmen... A Pretentious Live music review - Rialto (Thursday 1st October at The Juction (with The late Frankie Howerd) ) Hello, I'm Frankie Howerd and I'm late! Ooh Missus! Titter ye not! Well, as soon as you walked through the door into the gig you could tell there was an intense atmosphere amongst the packed (note: hyperbole, ooh missus!) 250 strong crowd with a decent taste in music who had turned up in unison to see the lovely Rialto play to some fans. Their support was a band called 'Lodger'. Imagine (if you will) a three pointed triangle. If you are currently imagining a four sided triangle, you are imagining a square and you are therefore wrong. On one corner of the triangle imagine a plaque, and on that plaque is the title 'Radiohead'. On the second point, imagine the title 'Babylon Zoo' and on the third side, imagine the title that is shouting 'The Rocky Horror Show'. Now, can you work in 3D? Good. Turn your triangle into a pyramid, and on that new point of the pyramid, the one facing upwards, write a small message entitled 'But not as good as any of them (except Babylon Zoo who were shit)'. Now, extend your pyramid the other way, so as to make a sort of diamond shape cuboid thing (are you with me? Good) and mark that point 'But still not bad at all'. Now somewhere in that diamond /pyramid /cuboid shaped thing imagine (if you will) a little man (obviously smaller than the solid object you've just made) and that man, who will be called Keith, is shouting the title 'LODGER!' at the top of his voice. Ooh missus! Titter ye not! You may now try to work out the meaning of that analogy, I'm sorry if it sounded a bit like 'A Word In Your Ear' (with Gordon Burns) but there you go. They made a decent line in odd-rock with the female lead looking a bit like Saffron from Republica and the male lead looking a bit like a younger Anthony H Wilson who used to present Remote Control and could do a couple of odd hand movements which in my books is always a good thing. To be honest, I couldn't work out the words to any of their songs but the bloke did mention something about 'this song is about finding a fish in your bed' which was superbly surreal and I hope they do quite well (and I sincerely hope Saffron from Republica wasn't being ironic when saying what a fantastic audience we were, because to be fair it was a fairly enjoyable way to spend 45 minutes). They're album, 'A Walk in the Park' is out now. And talking of drummers, that was just the warm up for the behemoth that was Rialto that was about to storm out. With plenty of fairy lights (all the same colour) you could have sworn it was Christmas but there was so much dry ice around there wasn't. Eventually, after much waiting, Louis and the boys made their apperance launching into a blisteringly good rendition of 'Broken Barbie Doll' folloowed by an equally good serving of 'Hard Candy' followed by the spy-style love song 'When We're Together'. At this point we were told of a new song called 'Shatterproof' which Mr Eliot talked about: "You are some of the first people to hear this song so if you like it put your hands up in the air and if you don't then throw some stuff at us, alright?' the temptation to throw one of our empty bottles of water was quite high, admittedly, even though the song wasn't bad (slow verse opening into a rock chorus) just for potential self amusement but I decided not to in the end after hearing the song. "You like that one, yeah?" Asked Louis to the cheers of the crowd. 'Lucky Number' was a sort of 60's style cinematic number (well, in a way all the songs are quite cinematic, that's their 'theme'). Ooh Missus! Titter ye not! I'm Frankie Howerd you know, off the Carry On films! 'The Underdogs' came next in all of it's 'this is nothing like Mis-Shapes oh no' glory stylee and to be fair, it's musically very different just similar in theme. Next came 'Dream Another Dream' in all it's 'Na na na na!' glory, it was released as a single but sadly I don't remember it coming out and to be perfectly honest it is probably the weakest of the singles they have released. Their new single 'Summer's Over', a melancholy song about a seaside town now Summer's Over (irony, no? No.) was played to much swaying from the audience and to be fair, is that sort of anthemic type of song. But as much as I like Summer's Over, this was nothing compared to the following song, my personal favourite Rialto song ever (Oh yes!) 'Untouchable' which they played brilliantly. Superb stuff. A little fact for you, 'Untouchable' was used in the film 'Dad Savage' which was written by Vic and Bob so there you go. This led into another new song which is a B-Side to the aforementioned new single which was called 'Skyscraper' it was a sort of weird 70s opening turning into a rock-out. Fairly impressive stuff but I guess what most of the crowd was waiting for was 'Monday Morning 5:19'. They got it and it was superb but it must have been the widescreen version because of a different final verse (which was in French it turns out. Ooh Missus! Titter ye not.), all the same it was great. This left one final song, 'Quarantine' where we are told that "all our lives have been in Quarantine" and was a superb end to the concert. I know what you're thinking, was there anything that I didn't think wasn't superb or fantastic? No! Well, actually yes but they're fairly minor points. Firstly, they didn't play 'Love Like Semtex' or 'Milk of Amnesia' which is a shame but not quite so much of a shame as not playing an encore. Admittedly they didn't have too many songs they could have choose from but nonetheless. On the plus side however it was only £6 and I was right at the front for both bands (and front-middle for Rialto). So to everybody who went, especially Terry, Ceri and Alex well done and if you didn't go (and I suspect this applies to most of Cambridgeshire) repeat after me... 'I AM A FOOL!'. It was in my opinion the best musical gig I've ever been to, but I've only been to two (the other being Space) and was great. Ooh Missus! The late night insomniacs Paranoia club Stay in your houses! The entire National Union of Students ARE RIGHT BEHIND YOU! EVERYWHERE YOU GO! Will you ever sleep again? We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Ads. The Honda advert, proving that should you happen to be driving and come across a giant maze on your way to school/work/home/desert you can safely drive through it. Well that's what I look for in a car anyway because you never know when a giant mirror maze will have the tendency to suddenly appear out of nowhere, do you? I think Jeremy Clarkson should investigate this more on Top Gear. 'Yes, it can drive on the road but how will it fare against a sudden apperance of a giant maze? Well, if this car was an ant, it was a member of the Royal Family, it would be Princess Di'. Thanks Jeremy. European Law dictates I must do this one time or another so it may as well bt now. Hello, it's Family Fortunes and here is your host, Les Dennis! "Hello Viewers! Well Rita, I don't really know! Let's meet our two families!" "Hello, you must be the Partridge family from Somerset, I know this because it's written in front of you. Well Rita, I don't really know! You must be the head of the family, Alan. A-ha!" "Yeah, like I've never heard that one before." "Well Alan, I've been told that you once got minto an embarrasing incident..." "Hah! Yes, once I was walking along, and I walked into a lamppost!" [Ha, ha, ha! goes the audience] "Well, I bet you won't be doing THAT again, you should be more careful next time! Well Rita, I don't really know!" [Audience goes into paroxyms of laughter for no reason whatsoever.]....... Let's play on! OK, Alan meet Chevonne we're looking for the top 5 answers and the question is: "Name a four letter word beginning with the letter 'm' and ending with the letter 'k' wich comes out of a cow." BUZZ! Alan?" "Erm, uh, a cabbage?" "Well, if it's there I'll give you the money myself! Well Rita, I don't really know! We're looking for 'cabbage!'" UH-UH! etc and so it goes on with Chevonne probably winning a dishwasher but failing on big money on a question like 'Name a famous £1 coin' or something stupid like that. Phew, that's out of the way I need never make a Family Fortune reference again. Hurrah! Millenium Madness sadly, I've actually been bitten by the Millenium bug and now I'm suffering from a case of Malaria. Oh well. I hear that to celebrate the new millenium the people of Budapest are erecting a giant sand timer which will be turned over at the end of 1999 and will take a whole year exactly to fall. Now I know what you're thinking so you might as well insert you own 'they must be cooking an awfully big egg' joke here. Game that never Quite Made The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien) #19 The challenge is to not refer to Chris Evans' 'TFI Friday' as 'MFI Tuesday' and vice versa. Brought about because nobody seems to get it right! My plan of controlling everyone's minds is beginning to work. Ha ha ha HA! Cackle. This issue was brought to you in a point size of '6' and the colour of 'Blue'. Life isn't really all that bad, it's actually far, far worse... Goodbye! The revolution was televised now it's over bye bye. It's over bye bye. Yeah we made it. Just by the skin of our teeth. Perfection is over (The Rave is over) Sheffield is over. The Fear is over. Guilt is over (please leave the building quietly) Bergerac is over. The hangover is over Men are over Women are over. Cholestorol is over. Tapers are over. The breakdown is over. Irony is over. Bye bye. Bye bye.
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