Dead before I've even started (Warning: Some people might find the following joke offensive) What do you call a band who are really, really fast? Blur. And on that bombshell (start the 'Man in a Suitcase theme tune) it's time for MFI Tuesday in migrane inducing glorious Technicolour blue again (issue 12) with your host Mr Nicoas Gates oh yes indeed. And many, many thanks to Mr Adam Day (of the weekly "You're Shit" award fame) to his reaction towards last week's 'Dead before I've even started' joke. Anyway, this issue has the usual round of letters and stuff as well as a new story/sketch 'thing', not written by Ben Elton and Richard Curtis it's historical 'comedy' in "The Adventures of Blackabba" as well as the welcome return (in my own personal opinion) of the Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke (from Northern-Land), but now here's some news... Channel 5 haven't completely bollocked up Fort Boyard! It's going to be great! On Friday! Because we want to, here's an interview with Billie (Riverboat Georgina theme plays) Amazing. Billie, I hope you loved the really obvious link into your interview. "Yes, it's not as if I hear that ALL THE BLOODY TIME EVERYTIME I GO ANYWHERE now is it." Ooh, feisty for a sixteen year old. So then Billie, why did you give up lecturing Science at Keble college in Oxford... "To pursue a singing carrer, obviously." (pauses)... to pursue a carrer in singing, or 'singing' I was about to say but you just stopped me. Oh. So then, Billie, do YOU have a girlfriend? "That's a bloody stupid question. I'm leaving." Oh. Lyrical Waxings I've heard Des'ree's new song and it's called 'What's Your Sign' and the lyrics still aren't any good! Here's my interpretation of them, they're a complete guess as I've only heard them once but don't be too shocked if they are similar: 'What's Your Sign?/ Are you a Leo?/ Do you roar or go miaow/ I must be a Pisces/ because of my love of headlices/ this isn't going to be Christmas Number one/ oh.' Look out for the follow up single, 'How do you eat yours?' released in January. And now... It's your Mail, it's Your Mail, it's your mail, it's your mail. What is top of the shop (sorry - goes and jumps in the Cam, gets contaminated and becomes Chenobyl style monster)? Why it's an eleven-sided folded letter! And what does the front say? 'Folded into an amusing origami mess.' Well I don't know about that, from certain angles it looks a bit like The Louvre in Paris. If you look at it at a certain angle. And are drunk. And only have one eye. And doesn't know what The Louvre looks like... Anyway, let's unfold... and whilst we're doing that I'll open the letter as well (hey-hey!) (Oof- sound of Nick punching himself for using the phrase 'hey-hey'): 'Dear Mr Nick Gates, Wow I'm back out and ready to live life in the real world again! Yeah! I noticed your feeble attempt to squeeze those bodys through my letter box, fortunatly I managed to explain it away by convincing the white coated men that it was just an experiment to create a new kind of chunky salsa. Ha! Last issue was cool (though not one of your best) please - More games that never quite made it to the Crystal Maze Oh, and since you disqualified my other entry to FWWMBPUHCD is Nov 12th is that dum [?] enough? I've also included The Further Adventures of Jane Austin for you to read. Alex Cunliffe' Well Thank you Alex. Wow! I've just read Alex's letter now I'm writing MFI Tuesday again! Yeah! I noticed your feeble attempt to spell the words 'countenance' and 'acquiescence' in your strip but fortunately it was actually quite good; instead of chucking your letter straight into the bin (which I do with most MFI Letters after I've typed them), I might photocopy it at some time and add it as a sort of appendix to a future issue. Hurrah! I didn't think last issue was the best either, but to its advantage it was written in rather migraine-inducing blue which is always a good thing. Actually, 'Nov' isn't actually a recognised month in the Calendar so yet again you have been disqualified from F'WWMBPUHCD'L1998. Thanks! Second letter: 'This is a piece of paper not a soul flaying demon, though I wish it were so you could suffer at the hands of it's evil talons *tee hee*' OOF - sound of me hitting the author of this very letter for using the words 'tee hee'. And anyway, think of the 'You've Been Framed' style faux pas moment if it was a soul-flaying demon? Imagine, I unwrapped it. It wasn't actually a letter but a demon from Hades sent to destroy my outer worldly body! What would Lisa Riley say about that? I'd win £250 quid easily! I'd be dead! Oh. 'Dr Mr "Bastard" Nick, Soooo, you dare to mock my moving and beautiful poems do you? Oh so silly!!! For now you must suffer at the hands of my true identity; yes I AM 'The Small one from The Krankies'. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha hahaha ha ha ha ha ahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha... hee... ha! *cough* Now you will suffer as I use my 'shit Scottish slapstick' powers to literally bore you to death you wee sheep you... 'I am a Krankie/ Do not have a wankie/ Into your hankie/ Even if your lankie, spankie, spoon/ Yeah!!!' From Terry Knox on a boat in a coat AKA The ickle Krankie." Wow! It's almost as if I had a super cheap version of 'Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing' embedded in this letter! Thank you Ickle Krankie! Aaaah! Anything but 'Shit Scottish Slapstick' powers! Where's Supergran when you need her? Here's my poem: 'The Krankies were shit/ yes they were/ they were you know/ yes really/ and anyway/ wasn't the ickle Krankie/ actually a woman?' Keep your letters coming in! Usual address. Lyrical Waxings Savage Garden say that they'll fly me to the Moon and back if I'll be, if I'll be their baby. I'm willing to do it on the cheap! I'll be your baby for only half the price - you go and buy yourselves a one-way ticket to the Moon so you can go yourselves. Me? My back's playing up. You know how it is. OK guys? Good. My big bottle of Contempt Villain of the week begone! I now have a huge bottle at home filling up with Contempt. It even has the label 'this botlle is full of Contempt' on the front, see? And when this bottle is full I'm going to sell it off to benefit Third World countries. And what is filling the bottle up this week? Fishing, for obvious reasons. But fans of The Weekly Adam Day "You're Shit" award need never fear for it is simply going on holiday before it begins its 72 date world tour beginning in Indonesia and finishing in Wembly Stadium some time next year. Perpetual Cheque One of John Lennon's poems was sold for £3354 at an auction last week featuring the word 'Fuck' 104 times with the word 'you' in the middle. Now I can do better than this. Here's my poem: 'Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit Shit you.' There you go, you should be able to take this piece of paper down to Southerby's and earn about £5000. Easily (128 before you ask). Lyrical Waxings Sheryl Crow's favourite mistake? Singing. Releasing an album of all the same songs. You get the idea. Everyone's a cynic Have you noticed how everyone is so cynical and paranoid these days? Look: Pulp used to be happy go lucky song folk (ish) but This Is Hardcore is depression overload. I blame Adam. Ladies and Gentleman... It's Blackabba the 1st! The sound of footprints across the glade, it looks as if they've got some honey, they were ten times better than Slade, and they sang 'Money Money Money'. Blackabba, Blackabba, they're favourite Tellytubby is Po, Blackabba, Blackabba, Does Your Mother Know? [Ably assisted by faithful servant Baldrich(ard Whiteley), Annefried, Benny, Bjorn and the other one attempt to live through the dark ages. This week they are instructed to entertain the Queen]. "Hey Bjorn, do you think we should write a song in our Swedish Europop stylee for the Queen?" "Well, she doe's like a good boogie." "Would that make her The Dancing Queen, your Lordships?" "Shut up Baldrich(ard Whiteley)!" "Oh hang on," exclaimed Annefried, "The Queen wasn't actually in very much of the first series of Blackadder, just Brian Blessed, so maybe by satirizing it we could imagine that she isn't there at all so as to leave an element of reality in the mocking. And anyway, in order to get half of the jokes we would have to be in at least 1970 but given these are the Dark Ages and given thatEurovision hasn't been invented yet, or John Logie Baird for that matter. Or Music. We shouldn't be here really, instead we should be carrying out our dull peasant lives rather than talking in a Philosophical manner which we would be perceived as being far to unintelligent to understand anyway." "I better get a couple of cushions so I can be sat 'igher [Actual joke used on Celebrity Countdown made by Yorkshire Television for Channel Four] " "SHUT UP BALDRICH(ard Whiteley) "Phew, we're saved!" said The Other One and they continued to live their dull little lives until 753 years on (they had decided to live forever you see) they entered Eurovision with a song called Waterloo, putting Norway on the map because it didn't exist before 1970. Fantasy 'What does the MFI in MFI Tuesday stand for?' League 1998 Many, many people (well, the number must be approaching single figures by now) have come up to me and said "Nick," not an actual quote, "what DOES the MFI in MFI Tuesday stand for?" To which I reply "why, More Furniture Ideas, my child, you know as in the DIY store. Now go away." But this this got me thinking. Maybe, just maybe, I might change waht MFI stands for. And who will get to choose? Why me of course! Yrt I need the inspiration so send in your entries (with a prize of small monetry value) in to me and mark them F'WDTMFIIMFITSF'L1998 (note: I will not escept anything else) and I'll pick a winner. Hurry up then! The Late night Paranoid Insomniac Sickos Club this week heroises a bloke called Ged Allen who is producer and game inventor for Endurance on Challenge TV. I thought this series wasn't as hard as last one until I watched for a couple of days. No, it's far sicker. For example, a game entitled 'The Pubic Chair' where not only do the contestants have to put up with a bad pun but have their pubic hair clamped in a clamp, attached to a piece of string, attached to a piece of elastic, attached to a Newtonmeter, attached to another piece of string which is finally attached to an NHS trolley which protagonists Hoki and Koki are slowly pulling back causing much pain until a contestant decides to cut their piece of string or the hairs are pulled out. OOF. Not a mention a game called 'Ice Station Bollok' where contestants have to eat Pig Testicle Ice Cream. Yum! And not for example, the sickest thing you're likely to see for a long time. Sadly, they seem to have resisted the tempataion to create a game involving making people listen to rubbish music really loud until they give in. Such as Billie. Or 5ive. Or Metallica. I'm Not Jesus but I have the same initials, I am the man who stays at home and does the dishes... except Jesus' initials didn't begin with NG. And I've got a dishwasher. Anyway, what is it with Religious Evangelists lately? Whilst travelling to work lately, some woman got up and invited everybody to her local chruch except somebody took a dislike to this and started a shouting match with her saying 'a bus is not a religious platform' etc. It was quite exciting. For a bus ride. But anyway, I'm sure the same woman has stopped me in the street before advertising her church. I ade my excuses and left. When I was in town once, two mad blokes also ran the idea of Christianity past me but I just ran away again. And now whilst waiting at the Bus Stop last night in fact, a weird woman was talking to me in the bus queue which was scary enough, scarier still was the fact that I didn't quite make out all of what she was saying so just kept nodding and saying 'mmm', you know, not wishing to offend or anything (even if she looked a bit psychotic). Well done to Terence (who thankfully was in the queue with me and made me listen to Marylin Manson ironically enough) for putting forward the idea of pretending to be Homosexual Satan worshippers but being the crap actor that I truly am, I bottled out and just kept nodding and 'umm'ing until we got on the bus and put distance between us. Phew! The point I'm trying to make is that I seem to be a magnet to religious types. Does this make me the Son of God? The cult of Nickism shall rise again (with The Grafton Centre being the place of worship). Random Pulp Lyric This is the end of yet another MFI Tuesday (which in my opinion was better than last week's) and was brought to you in Font Size 6.5 and the toddlers TV shows 'Trumpton' and 'Playbus'. You may notice that The Adventures of Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke From Northern Land (up North) failed to appear in this issue but that was because Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke From Northern Land (up North) was too stupid to actually go out invent about a day before I print this out! But all this is irrelevent, not only because that is what it is but because I've now got a toasted sandwich maker. IT'S A GIFT FROM THE GODS! IT ISSSSSS! It's going to be quite good! Maybe. Byyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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