Dead before we've even started Why did Billie's chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to, because it wanted to. (why is everyone pointing to the door?) and on that bombshell, it's time for MFI Tuesday (Issue #13) back in black and with your host Mr Nicolas Ian Gates why thank you, you are far too kind. Let's get straight on with it and interview the man with a million voices. Sadly they are all the same. It's Les Dennis (the theme of the Riverboat Georgina plays in the background). Hello Les. "Hello Nick." Go on, get it out of the way then. "Get what out of the way?" You know, your thing. "What thing?" Your impression. "Which one? I do loads." That one, you know, that one. "Well Rita, I don't really know (said as if it was Mavis Wilton off of Coronation Street)!" Good. How high is Mount Everest? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" What is the meaning of life? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" Are you married? "Well Rita, I don't really know! Am I great or what?" UH-UH! You're probably fed up of hearing that, aren't you? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" Well, you won't mind if I do it again then, will you. UH-UH! "Well Rita, I don't really know!" Do you do any other impressions? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" OK then, we asked one hundred people who their favourite impressionist who could only do one impression was. What do you think the top answer was? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" Will you stop calling me Rita? "Well Rita, I don't really know!" Get out. Now. Special Premiere showing Not free with this issue is a special ticket to go and see the premiere of new Disney film 'Mulan', a story about the Kings daughter who couldn't do something as a woman so dresses up as a man and joins the Chinese army and probably saves the world. It's probably good. My giant bottle of contempt For those of you who missed this last week, I know have a bottle at home and it is labelled 'contempt' and when it is full up I'm planning to sell it off in order to aid Third World countries. What's been filling up the big bottle of contempt this week? People who've noticed that I've had a hair cut. I don't mind it really but everyone seems so over the top about it! "Nick, you've had a hair cut!" Really? My God, so I have! And I never noticed, obviously. What a nice surprise. The weekly Adam Day "You're shit!" Award (live from the very top of The Empire State building in America with 72 days left on its world tour) This week, the weekly Adam Day "You're Shit" Award goes to Micheal Barrymore's Kwik-Save adverts. Every single one of them. "But can you afford these Belgian chocolates?" "Well not usually, and with the money I'm being paid for this rather lacklustre acting chances are I still won't either!"... "Will I be on the television?" You'd have to hope not, really. Games that never quite made The Crystal MAze #20 Back and with a vengence as well! This week: The Werthers Original game. The idea of this game is to get a Werthers Original and open it within two minutes. But why was it dropped? Because it was impossible, That's why. Bonus points were given however if the player could act like a sixty year old and lip sync only slightly, just enough to notice but irritating immensely. Special Premiere showingNot free with this issue is a special ticket to go and see the premiere of new Sisney film 'Guilyan', a story about some Belgian chocolates who couldn't do something as some Belgian chocolates and so dresses up as a Milkybar and joins the intergalactic chocolate army and probably save the world. It's probably good. Je suis imassiant de savoir, quelle sont ses candidats (hee hee hee!). Well, the British series of Fort Boyard came quite literally crashing onto our television sets but the question has to be asked: Can you get better than a Kwik-Fit fitter? And was Brit Boyard any good? The answer, in my own opinion (and it's the one that counts) is don't know and yes, just about. It seems about ten times darker than the French version, which is quite cool. There is a school of thought which talks about if you get the little things right the big things will fall into place. Well, Channel 5 seem to have got the big things right but completely neglected the little things that make the French show so intriguing to watch and that is slightly disappointing. Basically, the game is largely correct (apart from the Treasure Room at the end which is handled pretty terribly) but stylistically it lacks something the French have. And it's not as if it can't be done either, I have an episode on tape of old Brit band who seem to be pretty big in France Worlds Apart tackle the Fort last year and the episode was really good (even if they were pretty rubbish) but something generally lacks. The team managed to win 3200 doubloons which apparently is converted into currency and given to them, although we're not told how much. I'm willing to convert it for you, basically (because this IS Channel 5) for 3200 dubloons, read 3200 francs, or about £350. Apparently, back in 1990, one team managed to earn themselves 250,000 Francs. Back then it was 6 francs to the pound, or over £40,000. Makes you think, doesn't it? That's not to say it's no good, it's easily the best programme on Channel 5. Special Premiere showing Not free with this issue is a special ticket to go and see the premiere of new Misney film 'Alpen', a story about some Muesli who couldn't do something as some Muesli and so dresses up as some Fruit 'n' Fibre and joins the breakfast cereal brigade and probably saves the world. It's probably good. Hang on, Art Attack is on the telly and Neil Buchanan still gets excited about PVA glue! It just makes life worth it, doesn't it. Live from Crinkley Rectum, It's Nick's House Party! It's the show where anything can happen, but let's face it, in the space of forty-five minutes it probably won't, will it? It's probably time for NTV so viewers, be scared. This year (because we're getting nastier but we're denying that it's cruel, oh no) you will be given an easy test. If you win, we leave you alone. If you lose however we will make you spend a week alone with the Utah Saints (Utah Saints, u, u, u, Utah Saints!). That's quite enough of that. Ready, go. Hello completely random person! (Completely random person looks around in bewilderment). Hello Completely random person, I'm over here on the TV screen... "Oh my God! It's Nick!" OK, yes it's me. Now then Completely Random person, is it true that in your life, something reasonably embarrassing happened to you? "Yes it is. Ooh, I'm so embarrassed" Completely Random Person, we'll be back with you later! And now it's time for Sofa Soccer where members of the public phone up and fire sofas at David Seaman with bonus points being given if any cushions get past him so to play you have to answer this really easy question: Which show has really easy questions needed to play Sofa Soccer? The number is 0891 234567 and all calls cost precisely £6.27. But now Random Celebrity gets a Flotcha! Hello Random Celebrity, we set you up in an embarrassing fashion, didn't we? "Yes you did Nick, you're such a git!" And we got you real good. Here's what happened... (caption: 7.20 pm Monday evening) "Hello Random Celebrity person, could you look after this brick for me? It's a very special brick and it can't be moved." "Oh alright, you've played into the better part of my nature. You better hurry though because I'm in a rush." "Oh, OK then." (caption: 7.50pm Monday evening) "Oh, I hope he hurries up, I'll miss my bus!" (caption: 8.20pm Monday evening) "Oh BEEP, there goes my bus. I'm not in a very good mood now!" (caption 8.50pm Monday evening) "Ah, hello. Thank you for looking after my brick. Notice however how it opens up, perhaps you'd like to..." "BEEP BEEP BEEP! You're such a BEEP Nick!" [Audience applause] well, we tried to set that up for ages and now all I can say is Random Celebrity - Flotcha! Right, I'm going into the audience now. You - you did something naughty once didn't you? "Erm, no, not really." I don't believe you so now you're going to get gunged for the purposes of everyone else's light entertainment, ha, ha, ha, ha! Quick, back to Completely Random Person on NTV. Right, if you get this question correct you can stay here, if you get it wrong then you've got to spend a week with crap early 90s dance band Utah Saints. "Do I get a say in this?" Don't be stupid, this is family light entertainment. Right, here is the question: How much money is in this big bottle of change? "How am I meant to know that?" Family light entertaiment remember... "Oh I don't know, or care." Ha, ha, you've got to spend the whole week with Utah Saints (U, U, U, Utah Saints!). Quick just time for this week's Party Animal. This week it's Bushy the Skip kangaroo. Goodbye! It's My Mail, It's My Mail, It's My Mail, It's My Mail. As MFI Tuesday has it's half term break unless I decide to do another one, I have had no MFI Tuesday specific letters this week. This means No entries for Fantasy 'What does the MFI in MFI Tuesday stand for' League 1998 meaning MFI get more free publicity for yet another week, and it's been almost five whole months now (Blimey!) so I've got to trawl thorugh my own personal mail, and I didn't get very much this week sadly, although I did recieve a letter from a friend of mine in Sheffield who used to work down t' library and that's about it, shockingly, apart from a library statement telling me one of my videos was about six weeks overdue. Fair enough. On the plus side however, this week I should be getting paid and have 'Pulp-This is Glastonbury Live' coming through the post, excellent! Games That Never Quite MAde The Crystal MAze with Richard O Brien #21 The Hair Cut game. The idea is to walk through a room with many people who have just had their hair cut but at no point are you allowed to point out to any of them that they have had their hair cut otherwise it's an automatic lock in. Dropped because it was proved impossible. The Adventures Of Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke from Northern Land (up North) Hello, I'm Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke from Northern Land. That's Up North. I found an interesting thing today. Have you ever tried outstaring yourself in a mirror? I have but I never seem to win, the other one of me on the other side always seems to keep his eyes open longer than me. Oh well, back to bed then. Am I the Son of God? Jarvis Cocker sang 'I'd like to make this water wine, but it's impossible, I've got to get these dishes dry'. Well, I'm not Jesus and I don't have the same initials but I feel I can do the seemingly impossible and make water wine. What you do is this, get a glass of water and a glass of wine (keep this one hidden), then when your friend isn't looking exchange the glasses. There, I have convincingly made water wine and no-one knows any better. Special Premiere Showing Not free with this issue is a special ticket to go and see the premiere of new Bisney film 'Meringue', a story about a meringue that couldn't do anything as a meringue so disguises itself as a Rasberry Torte so it can join the Well 'Ard Rasberry Torte society and probably save the world. It's probably good. But now it's time to go to the place where all your dreams can come true, that's right we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Ads Fantastic, and this week we take a look at two catchy advertising slogans from the real world. First of all is Sunny Delight, also known as Sunny D but everyone who calls it this should die horribly and catastrophically in much pain. Their slogan is 'Reach for the Sun, reach for the great stuff'. A great slogan I'm sure you'll agree which shows that they don't have to rhyme to become catchy although not that one, obviously. The other one is for Kinder Eggs, when you see it, you go 'ooh!', when you shake it you go 'ahh!' when you eat it you go 'ugh!' and spit the thing out in disgust. Bacon Sandwich Sadly, Richard Bacon didn't take Marujiana (that's probably spelt wrong) because then I could have titled this 'Smokey Bacon' but sadly I can't. Let's phone him up. So Richard, you took drugs then. Then was a bit stupid. "Yes and I fully regret the decision. Actually, no I don't. Blue Peter is yuckilly wholesome and I'm glad I got off the programme as soon as possible." So why did you go on the programme in the first place? "Well I thought with a title like Blue Peter it would be a programme about pornography. I was wrong." (NOTE: This phone conversation might not have happened.) This is the end of the line and another issue of MFI Tuesday brought to you in point size 6.5 and the Eastenders characters Ricky, Bianca and Peggy Mitchell. I don't think there will be an episode next week unless I get a huge burst of inspiration. You have been the reader, I have been Nick Gates. Jacques - The door.
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