MFI Tuesday

Issue 14

Thought for the day: Why aren't Quarter-pounders 25p? And on that bombshell it's time for MFI Tuesday (Issue 14) with your host Mr Nicolas Gates! I thank you. Before we welcome our special guests for an intimate celebrity interview, a couple of announcements to make. First, please put your hands together for our special celebrity guest paper WH Smith's A4 blank Back to Skool paper I brought last year! And secondly, MFI Tuesday - The Archive has now hit the web! If you are fed up of reading miniscule fonts you can now read it in any size you like, so now the whole world can see what a fool Adam has been! Hurrah! The address is: http://www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/8092/mfiindex.html so come and visit! I also have an E-mail address: nickgates@mfit.freeserve.com so you know, there are now many ways to write to me. If you are someone from around the world who I don't know and you're reading this... Hello! But now for a celebrity interview. Just to spite Adam, it's an Interview with Scary Aerosmith from Areosmith! (The theme from The Riverboat Georgina plays in the background) "Hello Nick, I think you've used far too many exclamation marks so far in this issue." Do you think? "Yeah, I count eight already." Cheers Scary Aerosmith, what a guy. So, what was the inspiration behind your new song 'I Don't Want to Miss a Thing?' "Well, the bloke from Armageddon sort of phined me up and said 'Hi, is that Scary Aerosmith?' and I said 'Yeah?' and then he said 'Can you do a song for us?' So I said 'OK then.' and that ws it really.' But does it mean anything? 'Yes, it's about me, a bloke and he doesn't want to miss anything. Got that?' OK. Another question. Blacksmith's work with metal, goldsmith's work with gold. So following this line of argument, in your spare time do you as a band make choclatey light bubbly snacks? As in Aeros I mean. 'No, we are a rock band and that was a stupid question.' O.K. However, undoubtably your greatest achievement, if you don't mind me saying Scary Aerosmith, was your guest apperance in the entire video of Run DMCs 'Walk This Way', would you say that was your greatest acheivement? 'Well, it was kinda fun working with some really bad rappers, yeah. You know it's like that, that's just the way it is.' Get out. Now. Acciiiiiid! Using Sulphuric Acid for fun and profit. Something that seemed to entertain various members of my form at the end of last term was the following piece of Science (may I say easily amused...). If you put lots of sugar in a beaker and then add Sulphuric acid, it reacts turning into brown 'stuff' which seems to grow into a phallic shaped object. No, I'm not sure why either but there you go, I also don't care. Now listen, I want to tell you a story... Something amusing I read on Ceefax during the last week: 'Lightning killed all 11 members of a football team during a match in the Congo whilst leaving the other team untouched.' A shocking story (no pun intended. Actually, sod it, pun fully intended so ner!) I'm sure you'll agree, yet there is one other thing added to the bottom: 'Even though those eleven members were dead, they were still more musically adept than Metallica.' True! Fantasy 'When Will my Brother put up his Christmas Decorations' League 1998 That's it! It's all over! My brother has finally put up some Christmas Decorations and he did it on October 30th, putting lights all around the ceiling but although he isn't going to turn them on until the first of December, I'm still counting 30th October as the date. The excitement has reached fever pitch but the question is, who won a biro of a colour of their choosing? It was nobody. Becasue nobody entered. Aah. You missed out there. Look out for 'Fantasy 'When will my brother put up his Christmas Decorations' League 1999 soon. Sadly, I've just received an entry from Dearest Form Member Sam but sadly this has gone to press so it was too late for this issue so I can't include the entry. And the competition was wrong so I'm afraid I shall have to mock him mercelessly. Mwa ha ha! (Hmm, you're right though, odd mailing list!) Using Sulphuric Acid for Fun and Profit how about making a hot drink? Instead of making a cup of hot chocolate at night if you are that way inclined, why not save on the gas/electrcity by making it cold and adding some Sulphuric acid instead of sugar? Or add both and create Chocolate tasting phallic objects? Try it yourself, a chocolate phallic shape Art Attack and I'll see you next time. Ta ra! It's Your Mail, It's Your MAil, IT's Your Mail, It's Your MAil! That's 13 exclamation marks now. A standard two letters this week/fortnight (C'mon, anybody can write in!) and we'll start with the very optimistic sign on the front: 'This is your death Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HA AHA!' Bonus points then for successfully naming an eighties band on the front. Good. 'Dear Nick.... You have angered me further you wee sheep man. You claim I am a woman when it is quite clear that the ickle Krankie is a sexless entity. Now I must reveal my true, true form............... YES I AM GEOFFREY from Rainbow.. ha ha ha aha ha ha (and other such evil cacklings) ha HA!!! Up above the streets + houses/ Nick Gates is gonna die/ At the hands of a CITV presenter/ You know why!/ Kill, the, bastard, with, a, hatchett!!! From Terry /Ickle Krannkie/Geoffrey' A lovely letter I'm sure you'll agree. Ickle Krankie is a sexless entity? To many jokes I fear. Never mind. So, I should be scared because you're a 75 year old old childrens TV show host who doesn't actually do it any more? I'm scared. But it's all right, Rod, Jane and Freddy will save me! Letter numero deux has on the front 'An amusing letter which isn't very amusing. That ironey you know, or is it?' Aah, that ironey indeed. The letter: 'Dear Mrery Nick, Wow your last issue of MFI tuesday was GREAT! (it really was you know) but I have to ask why are all the games that never quite make it into the crystal maze dropped because their impossible? surly some would be dropped because theure the wrong colour or they don't smell right? Oh well, another thing, when are we going to get a free gift? All the other magazines give them...... my entry to FUDTMFIIMFITSF is this "mildly flavoured irony" good huh? (please don't disqualifie it.) oh and have ever thought of doing a teo issue vampire chronicle? You could do it in the "choose your own adventure stylee! Thanks for Breakfast Alex Cunliffe.' Good idea about the free gifts, they'll start to be given away as soon as you start paying for them. Anyway, you've got special celebrity blank paper today so stop complaining. FUDTMFIIMFITSF? What the hell is that? Do you mean FWDTMFIIMFITSF? Well, I like the idea so it might win. I also think your idea of doing a Vampire Chronicle in the choose your oen adventure stylee is superb so maybe I won't disqualifie you. I'll disqualify you instead. Happy? Good. A fair point about the Games That never Quite Made the Crystal Maze and if I'm not mistaken, I think there's one coming along now... Games that Never quite made The Crystal MAze #21 (I think/hope) This week's game: The Werther's Original Game. The idea is that in the room was the Crysatl but sadly it was in a cage and the key was wrapped up in plastic in the style of a Werther's Original. Sadly it was dropped because there were no 68 year old men who would pass the key down through their grand children so they can enjoy it and even if they were, the game ould take far too long. Oh, and actually unwrapping the thing proved impossible. Saturday Night at the Movies, Who Cares what Picture you see? After not giving away free tickets to see Mulan in last fortnight's issue, this week I'm giving away free tickets to the new Carry On film. It's heavily based on the other three Carry On films from the sixties and seventies, 'Carry On Kenneth Williams goes "Ooh, Matron!"', 'Carry On Sid James leers at the women' and 'Carry On Barbra Windsor Gets Her Breasts Out', it's called 'Carry On Kenneth Williams goes 'Ooh, Matron!' whilst Sid James leers at Barbra Windsor getting her Breasts Out' and it's aiming to be a smash hit. We talked to the films director who we shall refer to as 'Keith'. So Keith, why a new Carry On film? 'Well, after the spectacular successes of the other three Carry On Films in the Sixties and Seventies, we thought that we'd do another one.' Do you think that Kenneth Williams being deceased might make filming and writing the script a little bit more difficult? 'I don't think so. I think it could be qutie comic actually. Actually trying to reanimate him is one of the main points in the film and the innuendo we've managed to fit into it is quite superb!' So issues does the film encounter? What's the storyline? 'Well, it's about Kenneth Williams who goes 'Ooh Matron' whilst Sid James leers at Barbra Windsor who gets her Breasts out.' Original then? 'Yes'. Keith, thank you very much. The late night paranoid Insomniac Thicko Sicko's club Who's the latest to join the club? It's every contestant who has ever been on Strike it Lucky/Rich! Why is this? Well, when it gets to the 'top, middle or bottom' end game, a game of complete luck, why do the contestants always spend five hours arguing over whether to go for the top, the middle or the bottom? IT'S COMPLETELY RANDOM FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! Using Sulphuric Acid for Fun and Profit how about using it for a fun and exciting Endurance in a pub style game? The idea is that every body playing has aphial of Sulphuric Acid and at the same time pour it on their outstretched hand. After two minutes, pour sugar onto the same area so that you grow brown 'stuff' The last person not to make a sound is the winner. Try it your self, a self mutilation Art Attack, and I'll see you next time. Ta ra! An announcement I will say this only once. This is NOT, I repeat NOT a newsletter. There is no news in it (much). It is a satire on life and British Popular Culture and anyone who calls it a newsletter will be looked at condescendingly (out of the top of my glasses which at the moment are bent and so keep falling off of my head). You have been warned. My Giant bottle of Contempt is filling up every time everybody somebody calls this a newsletter. It is also filling up with something else I had in mind but given that I can't actually remember what it was I was going to put I'm just going to leave it at that. The Weekly Adam Day 'You're Shit' Award (coming live from satellite from the world Trade Centre in America! sadly, it's scared of heights so it won't be there for too long) This week, The Weekly Adam Day 'You're Shit!' Award goes to the dance act that really gets you sweating, Gym and Tonic! Yes, if releasing a song about Jane Fonda wasn't bad enough, they are actually called Gym and Tonic, a 'hilarious' pun! I hope they die tragically. So roll the Soundtrack, and dim the lights... I said Dim the Lights... I said dim the lights... Alright clothears, don't dim the fucking lights, because you're not going home tonight... Happily, I received Pulp's "This is Glastonbury" live album through the post the other day. Record release Curiously, I've recieved a copy of Virgin's new compilation album through the post, "The Best 'The Best Album in the World...Ever!' Album in the World...Ever!" and curiously, it's still got 'Free' by Ultra Nate like just about every other 'The Best whatever in the world... ever!' including 'The Best Punk Album in the World... Ever!', 'The Best Delia Smith album in the world... ever!" and "The best Cash-in compilation album in the world...ever!" Apparently, their next release is going to be "The Best 'The Best Album in the World...Ever! Album in the World Ever...2!" with a mind to releasing "The Best 'The Best 'The Best Album in the World...Ever!' Album in the World... Ever!' Album in the World... Ever!" which will be made up of the best songs from "The Best 'The Best Album in the World...Ever!" Album in the World...Ever!" and "The Best 'The Best Album in the world... ever!' Album in the world...ever 2!" Actually, to be perfectally honest, nothing of the sort actually happened, but it did just waste about half an inch to an inch of space. Torture Well, last Friday saw the Endurance Final on Challenge TV and never before on a show do you want all the contestants to lose so badly! Here is a made up contestant describing himself. Whilst I reiterate it's made up, the similarity is stunning... "Grr! I'm Kevin, a 26 year old Management Consultant from Swindon. I'm really hard I am so come and have a go if you think you're hard enough! I'm also a Bald Nazi." For those who don't know what Endurance is, it's basically a show where males and females of different sexes attempt to prove their masculinity by enduring tough and disgusting games. And what good fun it is too and Tara, the professional gong-banger is pretty lovely as well. great! Using Sulphuric Acid for Fun and Profit Get some PVA glue and add some Sulphuric acid to it. Try it yourself, a PVA Glue Art Attack, unlike any I've ever done before. Oh yes. Heaven Knows. what then? Is this The End? Why yes it is! Today's MFI Tuesday has been bought to you in Font size 6.5 and special guest Celebrity paper. In issue 15, we go behind the scenes of Gladiators in our new guide to Saturday evening entertainment and they'll probably be lots of other stuff as well. I've been Nick Gates and in fact I am still Nick Gates. Thank you and goodbye. Well what do you want... blood?

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