Dead before I've even started What's really, really fat? Lard. And on that bombshell, welcome to MFI Tuesday Issue 15 with your host Mr Nicolas Gates Why thank you, you really are far too kind. What do we have on today's show? Well, brand new episodes of The X-Files and Gladiators, the regular It's Your Mail slot (with three - count 'em if you're numerate - letters) and an explosive feature that will blow you away. And it's not about hair dryers, happily. Shall we have an interview? No, I don't think so. But I will mention th special celebrity guest paper: Photcopying. Remember, remember the fifth of November? Yeeeesssss I was at Midsummer Common on Wednesday I think it was, although it might have been a Thursday, I can't tell. Anyway there thousands and thousands of people all came to the spectacle of watching loads of different coloured dots appear in the sky and laughing at the crowds on the wrong side of the river who might have got burnt by the various ashes. No sympathy. Fantasy 'When Will my Brother switch on his Christmas Lights' league 1998 because of several calls for a new Fantasy Competition, I'm doing a VERY quick one now because today is the 10th of November but my brother, despite having them on the walls and everything has yet to actually turn his lights on for good. The question is when? answers on a postcard please and anybody who gets the acronym wrong will, in that true MFI Tuesday stylee be disqualified, but it's worth it for the prize, a tasteless colour biro of MY choosing, so get your entries in. Quickly before he does it and I have to close the competition. My big huge bottle of Conytempt This week, what's filling up my big huge bottle of contempt? Why it is none other than Douglas Adams of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Fame. He will be sold offf to Third World Countries at the end of the year. But now it's my personal favourite part of the issue where I don't do the work because It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, IT's Your Mail, It's Your Mail. Why, indeed it is! And it's a triple bill which means I've got three letters which is lucky when you think about it otherwise it wouldn't be a triple-bill. First letter picked out of my random letter organiser, or my bag, and it says nothing at all on the front. Let's see what's inside... 'Dear Mr Nick. I wouldv'e thoroughly enjoyed your last issue of MFI tuesday had I read it. However due to the BLODDY FONT SIZE I couldn't. Please put it up to size 10!'(NOTE TO WEB READERS: This bit is written in even smaller writing on paper. Maybe the joke's effect isn't as good this way.) Well I do happen to know who this is from (Nancy) so just to spite you, I'm putting this reply in the smallest size I can get it, size Four. I hope you are happy. Chances are you can't read this so I could be writing lots of things about you. Now that would be scary. Wooaa, paranoia! Here is a joke: which many of you won't read: What's an aardvark's favourite board game? Monopoly. In fact, let's do a fantasy competition just for people who can read this font size shall we? Nancy won't enter. Fantasy 'How MAny Words Are InThis Issue of MFI Tuesday?' League where you try to guess how many words are inj this issue of MFI Tuesday. answers on a postcard to the correct competition name please. Shh, the samall writing is finishing, don't tell now will you... (end of small writing) ... and then she saved my life, it really was the most embarassing thing ! You really had to be there. Second letter which is 'To Nick & anyone else it may concern' and then 'MFI Tuesday's First Suicide Note' which is quite worrying. It reads 'Dear Nick, I want to enter The MFI Tuesday Thingnmmyjig competition. My entry is MFI stands for Manic Frogs Infect Tuesday so I win! Hurrah. I would write a longer letter but I'm having a really bad day so I'm going to go slit my wrists with the sharpened antler of a moose. May the world implode with deep joy and felicity. "Live long and die in pain" is an adaptation of an old Vulcan saying. God I just made a Start Trek reference. I am actually going to kill myself now, bye bye, remember me for at least a week or so. Love to you all, Ms (Ms dammit! I refuse to denote my marital status in any way) Jennifer Cerian Neal' No! Don't do it! I think you might have trouble finding Moose antlers this time of year but there you gao, what can you do. In fact this letter has just given me an idea, if you want to commit suicide over some paper or on the World Wide Web then please write your suicude notes and send them to me usual address for a new feature, I want to commit suicide publically and we'll see how much fun we can draw out of YOUR death! This, for people who might take this seriously and you never know, is irony. Don't send in your suicide notes. Anyway there are probably many 'time of the month' references to be made here so it's time for letter number three 'This letter has no label so don't bother looking for it (except of course from [?] this one.' Aah, but could this be a trick? Yes. 'HA! I fooled you there is a label on this letter and HERE IT IS!!! HAHAHAHAHAAHA'. Good, isn't it great how many free copies of Mavis Beacon teaches typing have been given away recently? 'Dear Mr Nick, look, the last issue of MFI was greast but I have to say, will you please stop disqualifing my entrys as almost no-one else enters and my entrys are really good, for example my latest entry to the FWDTMFIIMFISFL 1998 and I KNOW thats right because you told be) is "Multi-Faceted- Ignorance" good ha? Well thanks again see you soon Alex' Can you guess what's going to happen readers? Well can you? Well, maybe I told you wrong, it's F'WDTMFIIMFITSF'L1998, notice the second T, hard luck but it was a good answer, but not as good as Ceri's who actually wins because she said so herself. See above. So by virtue of me being wrong, you've been disqualified! Hurrah! That's it for this week but keep your letters coming in, usual address Nick Gates-The Canteen or His House or my E-Mail address which is of course nickgates@mfit.freeserve.co.uk. Games That never quite made The Crystal MAze with Richard O Brien #22 this week is the Firework's at Midsummer Common game. The aim of which is to walk to the middle of Midsummer Common at night in the dark where the Crystal is. Sadly, there's loads of mud and cow-pats around and if when the contestant grabs the crystal in the middle of the fielr shoes are in any way too dirty then they are automatically locked in. Or out depending on the budget of the show. Remember, Remember the 5th of November So how can you make Firework night more interesting? Well, what if they put a load of bullets in the fireworks so when they exploded there would be a shower of bullets which would decapatate random people? It would certainly add an element of risk to that particular display. Or any for that matter. Maybe you could give a cash prize for anybody left alive after the display? The Weekly Adam Day "You're Shit Award (currently on it's World Tour of the world, handily enough and is today in Morocco) It's been nominated once and it's going to get it again, I must draw your attention to a game comng out in a week called 'Wargasm'. I repeat, this is a very, very bad joke and you will not buy this game. Yet to be perfectly fair, it's better than anything Metallica have ever done. Dur-dur-dur-dur-dur-dur-da! (sterts Whistling. Or attempting to whistle anyway) Yes, it's a brand new episode of The X-Files Mulder and Scully are sitting in an office. 'Hey Scully, we're sitting in an office, isn't that spooky?' 'No, not particularly. It's an office' You sit and do things. Like work. You cannot get any sort of UFO refernce into this.' 'Aah, but I can Scully, whio knows if an alien might blow the top of this building and take us away?' 'Mulder, you're crazy.' 'Agents Mulder and Scully?' 'My word, it's Assistant Director Skinner. Hey Skinner, why are you only assistant director?' 'Becasue Chris Carter is the director of course. Anyway, I've got a case for you and whatsmore it's actually about UFOs and weird goings on as opposed to rubbish conspiracy theories that have been plauging the last four or so series. Come on' [Skinner's Office]. 'Right. Go to Colorado, there's a warehouse there with no lights. Go and investigate, it's probably a UFO.' 'Now I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for this...' 'Shut up Scully, The Red Shoe Diaries don't exist anymore and I need to get some money somewhere!' 'Cripes! Etc.' [A dark building in Colorado] 'Hey, it's awfully dark in here, shall we turn our flashlights on in a stereotypical manner' 'Aah, but haven't we done this joke/satirical observation before in an old MFI Tuesday!' 'But Scully, we do this every week, why change the habit of a lifetime?' 'Because we're getting boring?' 'God Scully, we got boring years ago' 'I'm sure there's a scientific explanation for this etc.' [deeper inside the warehouse] 'Hey Scully, look there's an alien'. 'No it's not, it's a cat.' 'But you don't know that, it might be an alien who can metamorphose into something else like...' 'Like what?' 'Like a dog or something. That would be conclusive proof that aliens DO exist wouldn't it? Hooray for Chris Carter, but of course we wouldn't be where we are today without Rupert Murdoch you know.' 'Aah, I'm sure there's a rational explanation' 'No, it's an alien damn you!' 'No it's not, it's a cabbage.' (the word 'cabbage reproduced without permission Copyright Adam Day 1998)etc...' In the end, it turns out to be an alien but as per usual, all the evidence is wiped out, except of course apart from the actual programme footage itself. Why doesn't Mulder for example simply go to Skinner and say 'Look, we're broadcasted around the world. Millions of people watch us look and they can see everything. Why don't you just watch the show?' but it would turn out that Skinner doesn't have a television or video. He doesn't even know what they are. Remember, remember The 5th of November or what about scheduling it on a Saturday with Noel's House Party and then one person in the crowd can be NTVed, with their name spelt in fireworks so we know who it is and then to fit in with their new 'Your On Your Own' feature, in order to be the height of family entertainment they could tie that person to a really large firework Batman Style then if they fail a test they can be blown into space, showering the crowd with body pieces and and blood when it explodes. You could even put a 'firework cam' on the firework for a close up view. Well, it's more interesting than The Gunge Tank. 42 The life, the universe and everything Some people have read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and have come to the conclusion that 42 is the answer to everything. No it isn't. Can you imagine 15 to 1? 'What is the name of the pub in Coronation Street?' '42' Ding! You'd never get anywhere, would you, everyone would answer '42' and it would be crap. 'Which party are you voting for? '42' 'Oh good.' It's stupid. The number 42 answers an infinite number questions, admittedly but they are all of the 'what is 7 times 6?' variety. Douglas Adams, Go away! Can you feel the power of a Gladiator? And more importantly, do you want to? With your hosts Jeremy Gusgott and Ulrika Jonson! 'Hello! I'm in Shooting Stars' 'and I'm a Rugby player.' Let's gointo our first event! 'HIT EACH OTHER' OK, in this game you've got to hit each other. And you wil be facing Oldbloke (boo!) Shut it you lot! Ok then, three, to, one, whistle! Sadly out budget doesn't stretsch to a real whistle so you'll have to make do with me just saying the word 'whistle' instead. And oh look , Oldbloke's fallen off (ahh). Ok then Oldbloke, why did you fall off? 'He was LUCKY! I'll get you next time!' 'Well I just think you're not very good' 'Grr, I'm going to pretend to beat you up now and then upset some kids by tearing up their Gladhands. Grr' Ok then, it's Round 2 'HIT EACH OTHER' where you've got to hit each other over the head. Boring? Samey? Us? No way, we are cutting edge family entertainment. 8 years ago. And you'll be facing 'Fit bird!' Let's take a look at your stats. Right, that was hugely interesting I'm sure you'll agree but we do now that you are a whole two inches or something taller. Oh dear, you've just died, but you did try hard. Have a posthumos medal or something but it's still worth dong the Eliminator because otherwise we'd be boring etc... Insert Random Philosophical Pulp Lyric here Well, he we go again and this week it is bought to you in point sizes '6.5' and '4' and my underwear drawer and cable box reciever. Kenan and Kel, if someone can explain to me why people watch it they will win no respect. Bye!
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