MFI Tuesday


16th edition

Dead Before I've Even Started (Festive Style) A re-release from Cliff Richard: Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine, Might prove a painful combination. And on that bombshell, in the shape of a particularly bombshell shaped Christmas pudding, have you been good little boys and girls? Because it's time for a seasonal festive edition of MFI Tuesday (Issue 16) with you host Saint Nick Gates! Yes! And the cliches stop right there. A seasonal special becuase if you didn't know by now, there are only 85 shopping days until next Easter! You will be pleased to hear that the writing gets half a point bigger after the bit that Nancy won't be able to read. Wonderful zzzknroivnwero[nrgr..... lots of rampant erogiheoghnognh... phwoarr! erpgierg Digital Television... You thought Channel Five was bad? Well, THIS IS CHANNEL 5IVE! COMIN' AT YA! 'Hey phat mutha we're ready to rock you, it's a shame my rapping is little bit poo. This is Channel 5ive! You, whassap comin' at ya! This is Scary 5ive here coming to interrupt yo broadcast in the house stylee! Yo Big UP (cheers Sam). What's on today's show? Well, we have International Changing Countries with Carol Smilie. Yo, Carol Smilie, she doesn't rhyme very well with Doiley! Hey, that Melinda Messenger, she doesn't remind me of Henry Kissenger! Much.' qweqwejnf'n...pretty colours...eoirjge[0rhg...random characters... fvijerij ... and then I cut it off! (Cheers Tony Slattery). There's only one thing I like better than to do It's Your Mail right now, but I can't do that. So It's Your Mail it is then. It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail. Yesss we might have had a break but it's Christmas time so I've brought it back as an extra special present with a celebrity special. That's right, because I'm not sure when a joke has been done too many times, today's letters are going to be answered by your friend and mine, Mr Les Dennis! 'Well, Rita, I don't really know!' Good Les, and you're going to reply to this week's letters, aren't you? 'Well Rita, I don't really know!' Yes, you are. And here it is, on the front it reads like this: Not at all, for it is a piece of paper, an inanimate object that wouldn't have the brain to read. 'APPROVED: This letter has been approved by the board of approval and so naay not be disqualified for any reason. It is 100% valid!' Well, can YOU guess where this is going to lead? Eh? Can you readers? Can You Les Dennis? 'Well, Rita, I don't really know!'Alright Gates lets talk, Listen I'm not having you disqualifie all my entrys to all your fantasy "When will... etc" simply because you think its a semi amusing running joke. NO NO NO. However now I'm going to try again; my entry to FWWBSOCL (the my and his do not have capitals in the last issue so this IS CORRECT!) is erm well erm oh I don't know.... 23rd November how that? Sorry I didn't think the X-Files bit was up to your normal high standard but apart from that it was great! Alex' Well (intakes his breath sharply through his teeth), should we disqualify him, Les? 'Well, Rita, I don't really know!' I bet you couldn't see THAT one coming, readers! Wait, before we go on, I've just noticed that when my washing machine buzzes when it's washing, it sounds just like the guitary bits from The Beautiful People by Marylin Manson! Is the world being overrun by Satan already? Anyway, after looking at the UK Game show page on the web, which I am helping to write, I've just lost my thread a bit. Where was I? Ah yes, well, by virtue of not putting any quotation marks around the 'WWBSOC' bit I'm going to have to disqualify you. Again. Not that I'm biased or anything. A shame I know. Do you, Les? 'Well Rita, I don't really know!' Go away quickly. And you dare to criticise me? You think my work is not up to standard? How dare you! Remove yourself from this page at once. The concept of irony, eh? No, 15 wasn't as good as some, I'll admit. I'd be interested, if anyone is reading, as to what works and what doesn't so I can make it better. It's been going for six months now so how about it? And an apology is due to Ceri because, yes, I've given out my E-Mail address wrong on these pages. It is actually: nickgates@mfit.freeserve.co.uk OK? Good. And the second letter (if you can call it that) comes from Jeremy Clarkeson (or Sam from my form) who E-Mailed me to tell everyone that "Hitlers wife, and companion in suicide, Eva Braun, invented which household labour saving device? Yes friends, it was the electric toothbrush. This is true." An interesting and correctly spelled fact I'm sure you'll agree and one I can't really make a joke out of, so I'll just have to resort to dirty tactics and recall the time he used the word 'inlegible' in a mail. How I laughed. At my evilness. Now it's time to get even more evil for

It's The bit that NAncy Can't read... Hi there! It's been a while since the last issue, hasn't it? Well, that's due to work, sadly which I can't escape from at the moment. Sigh. Anyway keep sending in your letters because without them, this page would be at least 500 words shorter each week. Anyway, because Nancy can't read this bit, I could be writing horrible, spiteful things about her but would I do a thing like that? anyway, small talk over
but not quite as embarassing as the time when... oh, never mind. Channel 5ive 'Hi! I'm Sporty 5ive, the intelligent one. Sadly, we can't actualy spell, I only got my GCSE in Woodwork, don't forget so on the Channel 5ive web-site, you may have read about the 'viscous Jerry Sadowitz'. This wasn't actually a spelling mistake. We are now about to present to you: The People vs Jerry Sadowitz!' The People Vs. The viscous Jerry Saddowitz! 'Hello! I'm the viscous Jerry Sadowitz. Ususally I'm just viscious but today I'm in a semi-liquid form state! Let's bring on our first talker! Ding! Right, what's your name? 'Hi, I'm Richard.' and what do you want to talk about? 'I'd like to talk about cheese. I think cheese is really interesting, I mean, what would we do without it? We wouldn't be able to have cheese on toast, they'd be Philidelphia and there would be no point to Ritz crackers...' Well, I think you'll find that even with cheese there's little point to Ritz Crackers. At this point I would try to get you off by ringing my bell, but being in the semi-liquid form state that I am in, I can't actually ring it. 'So how did you go ding about fifty words ago?' Aah, that will be slooshy ironic purposes. Where's the bouncer? Do you know what's really bad? When you make shorthand notes to yourself over really good things and then forget why you made them. Still, now seems a great time for a special seasonal edition of the gameshow I love and I know you lot do as well. Please put your hands together for the return of of the cult, camp, comedy quiz show: Is it Irony? Yes, yes, yes, yes! Or is it? First question is based on something I read on Ceefax this week: "Aqua are furious that fellow Danish band Hit and Hide are going ahead with the release of a song called 'Space Invaders' - which they say bears a similar similarity to Barbie Girl. Aqua told The NET that it's just another case of a band lacking in originality." Aqua released their fifth song, 'Good Morning Sunshine' from their best-selling single yesterday. It's cult, It's camp, it's compulsive... but is it irony? Secondly and finally, I've noticed that on Eurosport, they've been advertising a watch and do you know what's it's called? The Swatch Irony! IT IS! It's probably made out of tin. It's cult, It's camp, It's compulsive... but is it irony? Well, that's out of the way for another year at least. Lyrical Waxings The Shoop Shoop Song is sung by morons. This is a fact. You notice that about 8 or 9 times during the song Cher announces that 'It's in his kiss- that's where it is' yet everytime, even though they agree several times, all the backing singers can do is ask stupid questions. Here is the revised version: " 'Is it in his eyes?' Oh no they're made to see, 'Is it in his shoulders' No, it isn't. If you wanna know if he loves you so it's in his kiss. 'That's where it is, oh yeah, is it in his face' Oh no, it's in his kiss, I've just told you you fucking morons. Do you have a short attention span or something? It was literally five seconds ago I told you that it was in his kiss do you really have that short term memories? 'Is it his warm embrace?' Look, I'm going to kill every single one of you now with a big axe with the words 'This is a big axe. It is going to kill you' written down the side. I'm not suffering from PMT so don't bother saying anything. And once I've cut you up and killed you to your inevitable deaths, I'm going to feed you to my pet guinea pig, Horace." But of course, the record company weren't happy releasing that so they made the nicer version. Look out for the full version on Cher - The Director's Cut, a new album coming out this Wednesday. In shops. Really shit things I've read in Pubs (part one in a series of one) The Fresher and Firkin say that "There's no thesis in our beer" which is quite a good thing really because if I found a 30,000 nine-month research project in my drink I would be pretty upset. Look out for other exciting pub signs such as 'There's no Text Book in our Cider!" and "There's no alcohol in our vodka!" soon. In pubs. Channel 5ive Hey, phat mutha, it's me, the one with the crap raps again! Now it's time to go over to Doctor Doctor Fox (ner-ner-ner-nah!) because it's the Pepsi Chart Show! Hey it's Doctor Fox! He probably doesn't live in a cardboard box! I thank you. It's The Pepsi Chart Show! Hi! I'm Doctor Fox off of the radio and everything! And now I'm on telly! This week I was voted as Best DJ by readers of Smash Hits magazine! Well I'm thrilled. No, really I am. Hooray for teenyboppers! Anyway, this is a special edition where we do a Battle of the bands - a fair and objective review the bands in question are of course Pulp and Space, and you can get your chance to vote right after the show! You'll need to be connected to the Web however but at least you won't have to dial an 0891 number like in the rest of my competitions, hey? But first, Boyzone. They're shit then. Pulp and Space. This is a totally fair and objective review as written by me, and I'm the world's best DJ remember. As voted by teenyboppers. OK then, let's look at this subjectively: Pulp have won awards, major ones, Space have done a soundtrack to a Mike Myers song that no-one has seen. Pulp release Common People, an amazing song that is quite rightly called an inverse national anthem, Space release Neighbourhood, a song that so desperately wants to be Common People but with Spooky Doctor Who bits (TM). With this song they have taken synth-pop in a brand new exciting direction... straight down. Pulp headlined at Glastonbury this year, Space didn't. When people commented on The Vibe about Glastonbury, they mentioned that Pulp was well worth the mud and the money, but Space didn't get a mention. Aah, but Pulp's songs don't do very well nowadays now that they don't do pop, and they're quite right, they didn't get an award at Smash Hits, did they? Not like me, the world's best DJ! But this is just it, they don't DO pop any more and even when they did, at least the songs all said something about society or life. Even more so now. When Pulp released This is Hardcore, a wonderful John Barry style epic about what fame does to you, what did Space do? 'You stopped us from killing each other: Tom Jones, Tom Jones.' That will be deep and meaningful then. And also note that despite not getting any airplay on radio, This is Hardcore went in at Number 12. In fact very few of Pulp's new songs get much airplay and yes, it's because the radio stations don't want to play them. Why? BECAUSE IT'S NOT POP! Despite being advertised every thirty seconds on television, what happened to The Bad Days EP? That's right, in at 20. Fantastic stuff. And do not argue, for I am the World's greatest DJ remember, as voted for by readers of Smash Hits magazine. I sometimes host Wowfabgroovy on Channel 5 as well. Anyway, you can now vote using the power of the internet: Who is better, Pulp or Space? You can vote now by pointing your browser, that's not innuendo, at www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/8092/mfiindex.html and if Pulp wins, it will be because they really are better and if Space wins, it will be because certain people in Cambridge have tried to rig the poll. Vote Now! I've been Doctor Fox (OOooooh Doctor, doctor Fox der-der-der-dah!), world's best DJ goodbye. It's my Big Bottle of Conytempt Yes, sadly the Weekly Adam Day You're Shit Award was sucked up in it's world tour by Hurricane Mitch, you know how these things are. But this week, what's filling up my big bottle of contempt? That's a good question and this week it's people who use long words in order to feign intelligence. You don't need to use complicated words with much alacrity in order to make your intelligence a fabrication. It's Christmas which can only mean one thing: Novelty single time. Aaaaggghhh! So here is a completely improvised attempt to invent a novelty Christmas song. Here it is. Now. 'Oooohweeeoooh it's Christmas!' right, now imagine that with a techno soundtrack and maybe with a bit of vocoda singing as well and there you have it, every new Cher song for the rest of forever. The video can have pictures of flying Christmas trees or something vaguely similar. Maybe some snow falling out of a giant salt thing. You could also have the Sun in the shape of a turkey and maybe have a field full of red noses. Yeah, man. Trippy. Yes, I just used the word 'trippy', I can but apologise: Apologies. Anyway, walking into town with Adam and Alex, the idea came up that if Alex ruled the world, he'd give people countries for Christmas. Adam chose America (Hmm, that's shocking) and I chose Russia (for no reason whatsoever) but then the idea struck me. What if Carol Smilie and the Changing Rooms team came in and say, we swopped countries for a two day makeover? We were given £500 each and given the keys to each other's Government houses. Yes, it's time for the one, the only, It's International Political Changing Rooms! Hello! I'm Carol Smilie! I'm from Scotland you know. In case you didn't. Wasn't Wheel of Fortune crap? Anyway, we're here with Handy Andy (not his real name), Laurence Posh Bloke (not his real name) and Linda Barker (Not the former editor of Your Sinclair). So, Russia then, Laurence Posh Bloke? 'Well, being who I am and what I'm used to, if we literally change Siberia, I don't know, give it a pinlish tinge and I don't know, end Communism or something, I feel I can make the people much happier. Maybe put some shelves up in the Kremlin and possibly sort their lettering system out. I don't know how about painting all the roads a sort of gaudy Victorian Grey? Grey is the new Brown you know.' Good. Linda Barker then? 'Well America. That's a big place but hopefully, we'll make it look like we've done all the work when it's broadcast even though we actually get a team of about 20,000 when we're actually doing it.' Any ideas though? 'Well first, I think we'll end the really attrocious American Sit-coms such as Friends (definitely) and stuff like that. Maybe we'll paint the White House blue and call it The Blue House. What's more, How about changing the shape of Hot Dogs? Make them smaller and maybe triangular, like Tetley Tea Bags did. In fact, why not replace Hot Dogs with Tetley Tea Bags? At baseball games you wouldn't have Chilli Hot Dogs, you'd have Chilli Tea Bags with relish in a bun. And We could replace Coke with Virgin Cola. And we could just get rid of basball, Basketball and American Football. Or just get rid of the pads.' Great! Handy Andy, what are you doing? 'Well I'm being handy aren't I? Handy Andy isn't my real name by the way, if it was I would get it changed by deed poll. OK? Good.' OK then, two days later, how have we done? Laurence Posh Bloke? 'Well, we succeeded at painting the whole of Siberia pink, it's now the second thing you can see from space. Which is, you know, nice. And Handy Andy (not his real name you understand) put some shelves up in the Kremlin. He should be very happy!' OK, and Linda 'Well, probably being rich and middle class, I've actually spent the whole two days considering things that could be done to America and didn't actually do anything at all.' Did you go over your budget? 'No, of course not, I didn't spend anything. Do you not see? Right, I'm going to back to writing for The Times Magazine.' OK then, Adam come in. 'Well, it's interesting. In fact, what have you done to it (insert your own long complicated word here)? It's horrible! I hate it (insert your own random sarcastic comment here). I'm going to change it back!" and Nick, what do you think? "Wow, you've painted Siberia pink! That's got to be a good thing. And the shelves in the Kremlin? Genius. NOW I'll know where to keep all my new found rubbish." Excellent, so lets all have a glass of champagne and live safe in the knowledge that this is all coming out of the British Licence payer's money. Bye! If you stay out all night, well that's fine by me. If you must kiss those guys you could at least clean your teeth. I don't mean to put you down but you've taken everything that I own, and will I come back for more? Well I don't know, I don't Know, I don't know-w-w-w-w-w-w, Well I don't know. (The Laughing Boy (elided version)) I suppose that will be it then for another couple of weeks, probably until after the mocks in fact which will probably be a post-Christmas new years special (albeit one that's late because it had a hangover after too much drinking on New Years Eve and spends the next two weeks in a comatose state). Many, many thanks to my computer and printer who I'm sure would accept them gratefully if they weren't inanimate objects. My word, Cher's been knocked off the top spot by B*Witched of all people. I know which song I prefer, and it's not B*Witched. Remember to vote in the MFI Tuesday poll on the Web, the outcome of which could decide of the fate of a little Romanian orphan, you know, Chaos theory and all that. But it probably won't. This week's/month's edition of MFI Tuesday has been bought to you courtesy of point sizes 5, 5.5 and 4 and the Christmas Card Categories 'C' and 'D' and approximately 3369 words. I have been Saint Nick Gates. Ho Ho Ho!

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