"If satire was a big knife, now would be a good time to slit your wrists. Discuss." Why? Because now it is MFI Tuesday (Issue 17) special New Year's Edition! And here's your host Mr Nicolas Gates! For one special issue only, on double sided card! Hello indeed, and did you remember the words to Auld Lang Syne? Of course you didn't for it is impossible. Yes, I know I promised an issue last week but the coma was so bad it is only today that MFI wakes up to do something. So there. Anyway, to celebrate the new year and as an extra special late Christmas present, a prize of small monetry value will be given to the first person to completely complete... The Colussus Yesss, the first person to complete all sixty clues will win precisely 50p, that's the biggest small monetry value I've ever given away, get cracking! Knowledge of every other issue would be a particular advantage and a knowledge of me would be an advantage also. "But I don't have every other issue of MFI Tuesday to date Nick, whatever shall I do?" Well, I can answer that problem, come and visit http://www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/8092/ and you'll find every episode ever. If your browser is Netword enabled by typing in nickgates you will also visit aforementioned page and if you want you can also E-Mail me at nickgates@mfit.freeserve.co.uk, phew! "But I don't have access to the Internet Nick, whatever shall I do?" Sulk and fail to win, which nicely leads us into an essay: "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get." Discuss. Forrest Gump said that and it is rubbish for many reasons: 1) Having studied several boxes of chocolates in my time, I can catagorically say that every box of, say, Dairy Box or Terry's All Gold will have the same sweets in every box, sometimes with TWO layers and 2) Every box will also have some sort of index guide contained therein telling you what chocolates are what. 3) Whatsmore, when a company DO change the contents of the sweets contained in a box it's usually publicised by a television advertising campaign, such as that Quality Street one before Christmas: "You think our sweets are shit? Well at least we've got rid of the Coffee Creams that nobody in the whole world actually likes and replaced it with something equally sickening. Hurrah! We will take over the world with our Vanilla Squares and our Hazelnut Hexagons!" Therefore, Forrest Gump is speaking out of his arse. [Exmainers Notes: I liked the use of the colloquialism 'Arse' here which really sums up the answer to the question neatly. Points neatly backed up with examples, overall a good essay. D-] Shall we go and see him? Yes! We're off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Ads! Apparently, for the first time on video you can now see Andrew Lloyd Webber's 'Cats'. Excellent, the follow up videos Tim Rice's Gerbils and Lloyd Grossman's Bengali Tigers are set to follow in the footsteps and might be just as popular. Or alternatively, you could just watch You've Been Framed (with Lisa Riley) and see lots of animals and baby children get injured because that is, hey!, the height of family entertainment. It's the Rocky Horror Gameshow! Now those of you reading this may or may not know that as an aside during some of my spare time I help devise gameshows. Have been for the last couple of weeks in fact and it's quite good fun, even if nothing has come of it yet. One idea I had was a mixture of game and dating show called 'The Late Night Double Feature Picture Show' (from Psyence Fiction) but sadly it was rejected. But do any other Rocky Horror inspired shows come to mind? Yes! But not now, that's for later... We interrupt this issue to bring you an important newsflash... A new report shows that kids don't like being smacked. What a great piece of psychoanalytical research that is, and not something for example that I could have told you for far less money and researched in about two seconds. Bill Shakespeare says... "If music be the food of love, what does that make Metallica?" The Rocky Horror Gameshow A mixture of Ready Steady Cook and Style Challenge, in 'In Just Seven Days, I'll Make You a Man', Fern Britton invites two celebrity chefs and lifestyle people to help two audience volunteers turn into real men. Whatsmore, these volunteers have brought in five items of food specially bought by researchers and must total no more than £5, and they must be used at some point during the week to advertise Sainsburys. At the end of the seven days, the person must be presented attractively on a dinner plate before the gong sounds, whereby the audience vote for who they liked best. Fern Britton says "It's new and it's different. Special weeks include ones where two females are turned into men, whether they like it or not." and one of the celebrity attitude chefs, Slimboy Fat (AKA Norman the Cook) would like to point out that "we've come a long way, baby. Now is the time to praise BBC Television for this innovative new show, you just know there won't be any gangster trippin'! Or gangsters in fact. Or trippin', not unless they accidentally fall over the iron lead should they be jumping over it or somesuch, thereby faling over bringing the iron down on top of them which might be on, in which case they will then be screaming with agony. Top entertainment!" Slimboy Fat is a big fan of Ainsley Harriot and they will also be joined by Anthony Worral-Thompson from television's Food and Drink with Chris Kelly. Hang on, here comes the rabble. It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail. MAKE SOME NOISE! Or don't. First, Cunliffe by E-Mail (A bit like Fanny by Gaslight only not). Listen up gates because im mad! (not mad as in crazy of course, but mad as in the emotional state of being quite annoyed) no MFI tuesday forall this time, just because of the exams! well im not having it there had better be a damn good explanaition, and ifs it not suitably massive ill come round your house and reak bits of you all over the place! grrrrrrrrrrrrrr Noe ive had enough of getting disqulifed from every competion so ive decided to do my own! here we go, its Fantasy Why Is Nick Gates An Unfair Git And Why Should He Be Shot At Dawn. you can enter i suppose gates but so can everybody else so NER NER NE NER NER *insert rasperrby noise here* bye bye you heinous excuse for a frogs dinner and once more grrrrrrrrrr" Wonderful indeed. OK then, here's my entry to FWINGAUGAWSHBSAD (Yes, that IS correct), is it because I disqualify you from every competition? Do I win? Great! I rule. As to your first point, my excuse is that there were exams on. You want a massive explanation? I HAD SOME BIG EXAMS ON. How's that? Excellent. Secondly, Dearest Form Member Sam (again by E-Mail), "Dearest Form Member Nick, I am disturbed to hear that you don't drink Beer, but do not worry, times have changed. Nowadays people don't always associate nonbeer drinkers with homosexuality. So fear not, you will not be visited by George Michael in the middle of the night, inviting you to 'Go Outside' with him. Hide your disapointment, and wipe away the tears.Yrs, Form member Sam." Dearest Form Member Sam, I am disturbed to hear that you read Loaded, but do not worry, times have changed. Nowadays people don't associate Loaded readers with gittishness. Oh hang on, yes. Yes they do. George Michael won't come and visit me? I'm SO disappointed [Audience from Friends goes into paroxsyms of laughter] So, I'm glad that's all sorted out for this issue then. If you want to write to me, the addresses are just up there a couple of inches. Rock the Vote! Yes, the World has spoken! In a completely unbiased internet poll on my Web-site (address up there), as of 2200hrs on Monday the 25th of January, the results of the 'Who is better, Pulp or Space?' Music Poll carries the following results. PULP (4 votes) 67%, SPACE (2 votes) 33%, TOTAL VOTES: 5. So there you have it, four for Pulp and two wrong people. I honestly couldn't fix the results (and I didn't) and the world has spoken! I phoned up Jarvis Cocker and this is what he said: "I'm sorry, who are you again? Go away!" So there you go, a happy man there. And you can't argue as the population of the votes could have been completely random, Hah! Indeed. This issue, the cutting edge of journalistic reportage asks the following question: Which is better, Beer or Cider? The answer is cider, obviously, but I'm willing to ask the world on their view and then completely disregard the outcome. Ooh! And for the next issue, I want to run a pilot feature: ASK THE WORLD. Do YOU have a personal diemma that you just can't decide an answer to (serious, trivial or irrelevant)? Would YOU like potentially millions and millions of people (or five in this case) to help you answer that problem? Then write to me with your problem, make it anonymous if you want and the written answer to Jerry Springer awaits! Or Esther at least. I just hope you've got a long time to await an answer. Historical 'satirical' observation John Major lost the election in 1996 to Tony Blair. Just before then, he initiated his 'Back to Basics' campaign, but he still lost. However, let's go back in time and discover what might have happened if instead he initiated a 'Back to BASIC' campaign in which he got teams of people to go around peoples' and shops' computers and type in the following program: 10 Print "Tony Blair is Gay", 20 Goto 10, Run. [Imagine Newsnight with Jeremy Paxman now on the night before the election] "Right there's just time to look at tomorrow's papers The Sun goes with 'THE SUN COMES OUT FOR MAJOR' and The Mirror's got 'WE'RE NOT HOMOPHOBIC BUT...' although surprisingly The Daily Telegraph goes with 'WE REALLY COULDN'T GIVE A TOSS' which might upset some people. The Daily Sport 'JONOTHAN AITKEN IN HOT PORN PROBE' but I wouldn't trust that being the Daily Sport asfter all in the end the Sword of Truth will reign supreme, he's obviously been playing too much Dungeons and Dragons, ho ho good night." And in the end the Tories would have won. Lyrical Waxings Madonna has done quite well with her song 'The Power of Goodbye' where apparently "there's no greater power than the power of Goodbye" This is obviously bollocks. And here's the proof. Inside our washing machine are some clothes which are pretty dirty, perhaps with some stubborn stains, I'm not quite sure. First of all, I will put in some Arial. Probably Ultra in fact and we will put it on at a low temperature. (2 hours later) yes, it's brilliantly clean! (Or as brilliantly clean as it could be until the next one comes out). Now, on this dictaphone I am about to say the word 'Goodbye' like this: 'Goodbye'. OK? Here goes: 'Goodbye'. I am now putting this in the Washing Machine with some clothes that are also stained stubbornly and I am turning it on now. (Half an hour later) Hmm, that sounds a bit strange... BANG! BIG EXPLOSION! PHHHHSSSSSUUUUUULLLLLL THUD. Aagh! The house is on fire! The Washing Machine has exploded in a big Armegeddon-style mass death! In which case, maybe Madonna was telling the truth, nothing is more powerful than the power of goodbye. Or is it? Next issue, is a Nuclear Bomb more powerful than the power of Goodbye? Chief Fibre Opticlamp says... 'How! I'm Chief Fibre Opticlamp and I am an Indian. From America, not India!" More from Chief Fibre Opticlamp, the colourful Red Indian next issue! Fantasy Brittania Music Club Leaflet 1999 Yes it's the Fantasy competition to end all Fantasy Competitions! It can be only the Fantasy Brittania Music Club Leaflet 1999! This competition is based on those leaflets that randomly fall out of magazines from time to time. The competition will work thus: I want every competitor to give me the title of SIX (that's 6) different albums that might, for example, be on the next Brittania Music Club 'Join now for 50p' 'thing'. The next one I collect will be the one that counts. You have until a week after I next get one to give me your ideas. A week later, I will attempt to write a letter to The Void (on Teletext) and possibly the NME asking for people to vote oin a similar way (on a special E-Mail adress). This will keep going until I get bored and decide to finish the competition. The winner will be the person with the most matching selections with the public that also appear on the leaflet that I have. Of course, if no letters get printed and no answers recieved, I'll find another way to decide who wins. And the prize? An all expenses paid trip to New York, provided that you pay for it all. Or £1, a whole £1! Can you afford to miss out on this fantastic competition? Anybody reading this can enter by normal means. Just Generally Bad Do the Bramley's make Apple Pies? Lyrical Waxings Skunk Anansie are set to release a new album called 'Post-Orgasmic Chill' and their first single is called 'Charlie Big Potato'. Also on the album are such songs as 'Peter Small Parsley', 70's disco hit 'Random-word-o-rama', 'I'm a huge fan of Prefab Sprout - Oh Sorry, Brussel Sprouts' and 'Rugrat Sofa Cushion Delboy Clock'. The album is released in March. You were the baby of the class you know, you really didn't know that one add one is two, two add two was four, you were the baby of the class you know you really didn't know that, really didn't know that, Oh what a fool! [Ship of Fools, Erasure] Oh er Missus that appears to be the end of another edition of MFI Tuesday. I know have a shocking announcement to make which may upset some of you: This is the last MFI Tuesday ever. It's been a great six months but I think now is the time to stop. I hope you've all enjoyed it as much as liked writing it. Luckily, this is just a very early April Fool's joke, the truth is this: As you've probably gathered from the last issues, MFI doesn' go weekly anymore. Instead, they'll come out when I feel like writing one. Keep sending in random rubbish (which I still promise I won't read until the day before publication - unless it's E-Mailed, in which case that's a bit difficult) and I'll see you all in the year 2000. This issue of MFI Tuesday was bought to you with the vegetables carrots, cabbage and cucumber and a point size of 6. Dib-Dib-Dib Archala!
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