MFI Tuesday

Issue 19

Look! New Font! Here's the opening joke: What's an Irishman's favourite drug? Craic Cocaine. And on that bombhell it's time for MFI Tuesday (Issue 19 - April 1999) and here's your host... Ladies and gentleman please put your hands together for Mr Nicolas Gates! Hello indeed! Long time no see (although lets face it, I am just a piece of paper and wouldn't it be freaky if I could actually see you? In fact am I actually talking to you now? And are you freaked out? See, you didn't think I'd get any sort of Philosophy in did you? For I am the Philosphical Piece of Paper, comin'atcha in the Knightmare stylee. Helloooo!). To celebrate St Patrick's day (erm... a while ago. Let it not be known I can't do topical stuff) this issue has a distinctly Irish flavour to it. If you eat this piece of paper it will tast of four-leaved clovers and leprecauns. Possibly. On today's show: the It's Your Mail Top 5! Aesop's Modern Fables! Top Ten things Obi-Wan-Kenobi could advertise if he were real and alive today! But first, ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together (again) because it's time for an Interview with B*Witched! (The theme from the Riverboat Georgina radio advertisement is played). Look, it's B*Witched everybody! "Hello, we're Irish we are! But we're not actually witches. That was an attempt at irony. Look at it fail. Look at it! Look at it!" Well, Scary B*Witched. You're related to Shane Lynch from Boyzone aren't you? "Yes I am." So when music journalists refer to you as the Lynch mob, EVERY SINGLE TIME do think that's wit or shit? "Oh that's shit tobesure. B'Jesus." Good. And do you get annoyed when people think everyone from Ireland says the same stereotypical things all the time? "Yes I do tobesure B'Jesus." So your new single reached number one... "Yeah, it's called Blame it on the Weatherman..." and what was the inspiration of that song? "Well, two years ago it was the tenth anniversary of the Great Hurricane of 1987 where loads of roofs were blown off and everything. Now, Michael Fish said that the hurricane wasn't going to happen but it did so this song is to represent that fact. If there's a huge thunderstorm that kills lots of people in the next couple of months but John Kettley says 'no, that's not going to happen' you know which song to sing, don't you?" Of course we do. Do you like eating Mars Bars on rollercoasters? "No, we prefer Double Deckers ourselves." Finally, just before you go, congrats on your first four singles going in at number one but your first one, the Irish one, what was it called? Oh yes, I remember C'est la Vie. Can you speak French and what was the real meaning behind 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours'? "No. [That was said in a French accent by the way]. A lot of people thought that line was loaded to be honest but there's no sexual meaning there at all. We mean feather dusters. We like feather dusters, see, and we're imagining we're singing the song to a bloke who happens to also like feather dusters. It's kind of like a swapping thing. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. When we go 'I'll huff, I'll puff, I'll huff I'll puff I'll blow you away!' we mean it metaphorically, as in 'you' means 'the dust on your feather duster'. Do you see b'Jesus?" I think I do. Cheers Girls! Lyrical Waxings Cher is about to reinvent herself for a Hungarian audience. She is about to remix her hit song 'Strong Enough' under the new title 'Stroganov' in a bid to relaunch her career there. Cher says: "These really are exciting times. I've always wanted to crack the Hungarian market. I just hope they don't mistake the CD boxes for food and start eating them. They might die from plastic poisoning or something." And in other music news... Last week saw ABBA's 25th year since the marvellous (yes it is) Waterloo won Eurovision. ABBA, who took their name from the first letters of the first names of the singers herein, or one of them anyway has wrote a stage play incorporating 22 songs from the band's history has just opened in London's West End. Rumours that an ABBA tribute band headed by children's comedian Timmy Mallet, footballer Ian St John, singing legend Tom Jones and snooker player Steve Davis are apparently unfounded. TV Shows of the Week! Just started on Sky is the Irish Rastafarian version of South Park. Not a week goes by without it's main character Kenny being killed, soliciting replies of "Ohmygod! He Kilkenny!" every week. This is a great joke and I claim my £5.That is unless Kilkenny is a Scottish or Welsh thing, in which case I've buggered up comp[letely and I must ask you to instantly forget the last 68 words. How to Speak Russian: a beginners guide in one easy part. Can you speak Russian? If you replied 'Nyet' to that then you are a smartarse. Stop reading now. Incidentally, do the Japanese have to have a scrath every time they count up to three? Just a thought. Anyway, Russian. There is in fact only one rule (if what I've heard is to be believed). What you do is add the suffix '-ski' on the end of all English words. It's true! Lets look at the evidence. A while ago Channel 4 did a Cutting Edge special about Russian Airlines called Airplaneski and you can apply this rule to just about everything. In Britain we have televisions, in Russia they have televisonski. We have computers, they have computerski. Over here we have Ski Yoghurt, over there they have Skiski Yoghurtski. It's true I tell you! It's Your Mail! It's been a long time since the last time I dipped into the mailbags but first of all it's time for the first It's Your Mail Top Five! As you know, we've had loads of mega-celebs in here doing some in-depth interviews and we ask each one to record a small piece of music to accompany the It's Your Mail section so here for your delectation and delight is the first It's Your Mail Top 5! At number five, you wouldn't believe this, it's 5ive with It's Your Mail! "It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail!" Wooh! Excellent stuff. Straight in at number four, we met them today, it's B*Witched with It's Your Mail! "It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail!" Climbing up to number three it's the actual real Thom Yorke from Radiohead with It's Your Mail! "It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail!" Just missing out on the top spot it's God with It's Your Mail! "It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail!" but topping the chart for the first time in history it is Noel Gallagher with It's Your Mail: "It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail!" OK then, it must be time for the real thing... It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail! Well, I get the feeling this is going to be a bad idea because it's Monday night and Alex hasn't actually sent me a letter and Gittish Loaded reading Form member Sam's E-Mailed me this: "Hello Dearest Form-Member! War, huh! What is it good for? Killing Serbs, say it again y'all, [Look, I said this was a bad idea - Nick] Raaa! Isn't war such fun, so many big boys toys, when it turns global, I'm signing up! [We can but hope. - Nick] And you, Form Member. You'll fit in well in the SAS, so many butch men with mustaches! [American spelling - his not mine - Nick] You can ask them if they want to be your 'bitch'. Ride 'em cowboy! Yrs, Sam" Do you perhaps see what I mean about this being a bad idea? I'll fit in with the SAS? I probably couldn't get through the door, mate. Anyway, if I wanted to say "ride 'em, Cowboy" it would simply be an euphemism for 'putting Erasure's last album on, which was called 'Cowboy' on the CD player please'. To quote Lee and Herring... 'Aaaah!' I think it's time for a new competition Spot the Gittish Loaded reading GIT of Gitness. That's right. Spot him once and win a kudo. (Thank's Bill!) Not really. It's time for one of Aesop's Modern Fables... The Tale of the Bird Seller. Once there was a man, whom we shall refer to as Keith for the rest of this tale, who owned a pet-shop. One day, his old careers adviser walked in and announced that he had become a taxidermist and so asked that if any of his birds die could he flog them to him. He fialed to mention his interest in taxidermy, however. Keith said "Yes!" but then asked "why?" "Mind your own fucking business" taking this as careers advice, Keith decided to become a pimp. Keith still does this to this day making a living of selling bird's bodies for stuffing during the day AND at night! And the moral of the story is: A leopard cannot change its spots. Not until they've learned how to do Genetic Engineering. Lyrical Waxings Pulp are set to take Russia by storm by renaming themselves Pulpski. Their first single is a re-working of their old hit 'Common People' to be called 'Commie People'. Jarvisski Cockerski says "Yeah, we really wanted to 'do' Russia you know so we did." Taking lots of passe drugs It has occured to me, and it's probably occured to you as well, that when you read boxes for sleeping tablets, they always say: CAUTION: May cause drowsiness'. Well, that's nice to know isn't it! I'm going to make some sleeping tablets and written on them will be CAUTION: You may go to sleep. Or CAUTION: You may eat within the next 24 hours. Or something. Really obvious joke aimed at Mr Adam Day: What is Adam's favourite 80s band? Why, it's Transmission Vamp, BECAUSE HE'S A VAMPIRE! Games That Never Quite Made The Crystal Maze (with Richard O Brien)... All of them! Crystal Maze showed it's true identity last night on Challenge TV when it transpired that that all of it's games were in fact illusory and not real. It all happened when Challenge TV were showing a re-run of a series 5 episode of The Crystal Maze when at the end during the credits it said 'games designed and constuted by ARTEM'. Constuted? We tried to do a Roger Cook style expose so we phoned up producer David G. Croft to ask him all about it. He said 'No' and slammed the phone down. By doing some more research we found out that The Crystal Maze is a huge lie. It's not a maze and it certainly isn't made out of crystal. Richard O Brien: "Yeah, that's why I decided not to do another series, I was living a lie for four whole years. FOUR WHOLE YEARS OF MY LIFE GODAMMIT!" After calming down, he explained. "Well, Mumsey wasn't actually my real Mum. It was all a pilot for the film The Truman Show with Jim Carrey. Anyway, everything was done with mirrors. The whole media was told that the studio was the size of a football studio. Well it wasn't. It was the size of an aircraft hanger. Isn't that distressing?" He also added that The Rocky Horror Show will probably be going on tour again and tickets are availiable from all good theatres now, but we don't accept those sorts of plugs on here, oh no. The files have been sent to the relevant authorities. Life and stuff. Whoo! This is life. It is only a month and three quarters to the exams which is always good fun, isn't it? Sigh. Can you read the new heading font? If not, tough. This sentence is written wholly and entirely in that font, which is called Funstuff. Phew, that's better. Erm, probab;y time for the admin stuff: remember I have a webpage at www.oocities.org/TimesSquare/8092/ which has just gone over 8100 hits! Wooh. If you don't fancy typng that in but your browser is Netword enabled, you can just type in nickgates or if you're really clever, MFI Tuesday to go straight to the page. I also have an E-Mail address (which no-one seems to get get right!) which is this: nickgates@mfit.freeserve.co.uk erm... and that's it. Because MFI Tuesday's actual real first birthday is coming up fairly soon a have decided to do something, and that something is this: I'm going to pen and film a sort of televisual stage version. It'll be a direct satire of TFI Friday (probably) but cunningly, these will be interspersed with some sketches in the style of The Fast Show only a bit less in-jokey. It could be really really good. Could be. Maybe. Anyway, I'll probably need to use several other people to act in it (for better or worse) so once I've finished writing it (don't get too excited, it won't be until quite a bit after the exams) I'll then see what is indeed going on. MFI Tuesday very first edition will be made into their own collectable stamp collection (beautiful gifts you'll want to keep) at the end f June, which is also co-incidentally when MFITs first birthday is, although sadly I forgot to write down the date. It'll be a Friday though. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba bah ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baaaaa bah! It's the MFI Tuesday Top 4... things Obi-Wan-Kenobi from Star Wars could 'do' if he was real and alive today! Hmm. Shall we play 'spot the bloke who wanted to do a top 5 or even a top 10 but couldn't find enough things to put in it?' Yes, that's right, it's me! Anyway, I think this may have potential to be an excellent regular feature if people can come up with things to 'do' as it were. Still, here as promised are four things Obi-Wan Kenobi could do if he were alive and real...today! 1- He could advertise parcel delivcery services: 'Use the force... Parcelforce!' 2 - He could teach people called Luke to do card tricks... 'Use the force, Luke!' 3- He could be a weatherman. Whenever a hurricane approaches he could announce that 'the force is strong in this one.' 4- He could advertise beer. Alec GUINNESS, see? I am excellent. Sorry, I went all Digitizer there for a second. Man. And the lovers that you sent you me didn't come with any satisfaction guaranteed so I'll retern them to the sender and the note attached will read 'How I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate you, I love to hate yoouuuuu!' [Love to hate you, Erasure] Oh look children! That appears to be the end of MFIT19 brought to you by Kit-E-Kat, the drug FOR CATS! and font size 6.5 of curse! Font Size 6 will be playing Christopher Biggins in Mother Goose at the Arts Theatre at Christmas, so go along and say hello, will you? But of course, I don't allow plugs like that. Only European standard three pinned ones will suffice. Remember Lee and Herring is on on Sunday's. I have been Nicolas Ian Gates you have not. Have a good one and do well in exams. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Bye! Nick.

MFI Tuesday index
Nick's Gameshow Courtroom!

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page