David Beckam, Paul Ince and David Batty didn't read 'MFI Tuesday if you're lucky but if the van breaks down we won't tell despite the amount of times we phone up but you do deliver two days later' (Issue 2 - My God, we've made it to a second one!) last week and look what happened to them. Argentina did though. And here's the host with the most, it'sss Niiiiiiiccccccckkkkk Gaaaattteeesss! Thank you! Lets waste no time, today, an Exclusive interview with All Saints! (Theme from The Riverboat Georgina plays - you get the idea). It's All Saints everybody! [Yeahhhhh!] (All audience reaction in square brackets). So, Scary All Saint, why Under the Bridge? "Well, we were watching a classic episode of Bottom where Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson get fit by trying to lift a fridge because it's got a naked picture of Des Lynam on the bottom of it. The episode moved us so much we all wrote a song called 'Under the Fridge', about their Herculean efforts. However, our record company didn't like that saying that it was too silly and Post-modern for a girl band like us trying to attract a young audience so our record company suggested covering 'Under the Bridge' by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. We added some guitary bits as well so it's really good!" What about Lady Marmalade, Sporty All Saint? "Well, we really wanted to cover famous Abba song 'Voulez-vous' [Aha!] but they wouldn't let us so as an act of revenge, we decided to do this because the chorus had the words 'Voulez-Vouz' [Aha!] in it." Baby All Saint? "Yeah, I don't understand French but apparently 'Voulez-Vous coucher avec moi, ce soir' means 'Will you sing Abba songs to send me to sleep tonight?' I think it's poignant, but then we're really vindictive. I also like the idea of singing a song about a Lady made from Marmalade." So, before we finish, Posh All Saint - "I'm sorry, I resent being called Posh All Saint. Anyway, you used exactly the same joke last week you twat. I'm not talking to you. Phat, mutha." [Ooooohhh!] Well, if you're going to be like thaaat, I'll tell you why I won't use your proper names: Shaznay, Nicole, Natilie, Melanie are all fine apart from Shaznay who sounds a bit like Chesney which connotes Chesney Hawkes. This is a bad thing. "Point taken." So, as I was saying, Can I question some of your points of psychology and philosophy in your song? "I drive on the straight 'cos he's my companion." "Yeah, well we thought it weird too so we tried several things to change it to, 'I drive on the road because I'm normal' and 'I drive on the curve 'cos I'm a Formula One driver' but they didn't work quite as well." All Saints everybody! TV Shows of the weeeeeek! are in a fit of irony, exactly the same as last week, except, crazily, Fort Boyard doesn't start in France for a few weeks because of the World Cup (and still no reply from Channel 5 - I wanna do it!) and TV Offal which I still insist is a great programme EVEN IF NOBODY ELSE DOES. Except it's finished. Games that never quite made it to The Crystal Maze with Richard O Brien #3 Painting a bus. For the 'City Rail link' Zone, the idea of the game is to change your not bad blue-and-white buses and paint it into a decent, better colour. Dropped because the people who tested out the game painted it tasteless orange and dark blue. Sadly, the results can be seen being driven round the streets of Cambridge now as we speak because Mumsey couldn't afford any more buses. Or paint. Besides, the contestants found it a bit difficult to do inside three minutes. But enough of that, it's time for cult, camp, comedy quiz show, Is it irony? Thankyou! And here is our first question... Phil Selway is the leading drummer from Radiohead. He has also been a Samaritan for eleven years. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... But is it irony? Down in the library where I work, books on humour and comedy are collected. However, the bookcase they all come under is entitled German Literature. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... But is it irony? More ironic fun next week! It's enough to make Alanis Morresette... I don't know, Canadian? But now, the new section you've all been waiting for... It's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail! And our first (and only) letter we received (which remember is only read on the day I write this bit - It is currently Friday 3rd, 23:07) was "folded the maximum of seven times" (it says on the front and it is as well!) and it reads "Dear Mr Nick, I am very impressed with your page because it made me laugh! Your dynamic use of syntax was, well never mind it was very funny, although I have to object to the Pulp lyrics on the ground there crap! My anagram of 'I was a Teenage Bisexual Foetus' is 'Was I a Teenage Bisexual Foetus" cunning, huh! Still, keep it up and please can we have the pages in increasingly smaller print sizes so we all get eye strain and go blind. Yours squintingly Alex Cunliffe" Sorry, I almost really almost spelt that wrong (unintentionally). Well Alex, i'm not homosexual but I do, in fact, love you. And! You win the 'I was a teenage bisexual foetus' competition because it was, by far, the most amusing. In fact it was the only entry, so hurrah! As for my dynamic use of syntax, well cheers! Yet you appear to have missed out several commas and used the wrong 'there' (it should have been 'they're' really) in your letter. It's camp, it's cult, it's compulsive, but is it iro... No, no it isn't. You want smaller print type? Well, if I can think up enough material to put in, you can be sure of it and one way of producing material is to send me letters! So keep sending them in! The address to send them to is 'Nick Gates - The Canteen or his house' - keep them coming in! And now... It's a hilarious episode of Friends! #1 "Is that a hat you're wearing?" [Ha, ha ha ha!] "Wait, are you a woman?" [Ha, ha ha ha!] (Jennifer Aniston's character enters the room) [Howls of laughter and applause] "Has anyone seen my Loreal? And do you know how it works? Well here comes the science bit..." [The whole audience collapses and dies in paroxysms of laughter - the rest of the world casually looks on]. So, 1127 words into the document and it's time to explain my passionate hate of Friends. Some people have the American sense of humour. Americans, for instance. If people like it, good for them. But I will not, under any circumstance, ever give in to saying that Friends is good. I actually like wit, for example. Now, I'm sure I probably irritate people, God knows, I irritate myself after a while (which impresses me), but Friends? Sheesh. (Sheesh? Please shoot me somebody.) Villain of the weeeeeeeeek! Notice the cunning subtle name change? There are reasons for that but you can probably guess what they are. Other villains include God, for cursing me with Nasal Rhinitis (hur, that sounds a bit like 'nasal rhinoceros', hur, hur) and a cough. Is it my imagination, or have I finally found something worth looking for? I was looking for some action but all I found was Venos and Gluphynol. And! I! like! putting! exclamation! marks! at! the! end! of! each! word! Sporty All Saint? "I drive on the pavement because I am drunk." Thank you. "I drive on skirting board for I am a Micro Machine" No, actually I really mean it now. "No, but don't you see, I really am a Micro Machine. Look, brum, brum!" Battle of... The Bonds - A fair and objective review. 1- James Bond - Cool, suave British spy. Sean Connery is Scottish because he drinks in a Scottish Accent, you know. James Bond is (I'm told) every British man's aspirational figure - Birds, booze and lots of technology. However, you can't granulate him and use him to make coffee. 2- Brooke Bond (yes, you probably saw this coming). Rich, smooth, Gold Blend IS NOT Brooke Bond. OK, so it makes the coffee, but can it infiltrate Russian Government agencies and get out with the information without getting drunk? Can it wear a watch? Can it use gadgets? These questions need to be asked. 3 - Premium Bond(s) enable you win lots of money providing ERNIE picks your number. Sleeping with him/it won't work for it is a machine, not a human being. Good at giving money away (unless you are my parents) but does it come from Brazilian rainforests? Fantasy 'Fantasy Competition' Competition 1998 It's the Fantasy Competition to end all Fantasy Competitions! Simply guess which wacky competition somebody is going to invent next and win! Do you want bad? Do you want satire? Then you want Bad Satire! Hmm, that New Deal eh? It sounds a bit like one of Bruce Forsyth's gameshows. Unemployment: lower, lower! (Bad satirical joke courtesy of Bad Satire Inc. You can probably guess the rest.) We're making a move, we're making it now we're coming out of the sidelines, just put your hands up it's a raid, yeah! We want your homes, we want you lives we want the things you won't allow us, we won't use guns, we won't use bombs we'll use the one thing we've got more of that's our minds. Weeeeeellll it looks like the end of this weeks MFI Tuesday, brought to you by a font size 7.5 and cheeses 'Stilton' and 'Edam' and the names 'Keith' and 'Robert'. Actually, on second thoughts, cutting our heads open and throwing our brains may prove a bad idea, not to mention messy. Guns and bombs it is then, yeah? That's it. My God, it's Sat 4th 00:24 and I've still got enough material for another edition next week. I'm working today and I've got a party to go to. Shit, there's space left. Umm, Oh look, Karaoke Challenge has finished. I think I might pen a play over the Summer . Byyeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Although actually, on second thoughts, let's shrink the font size another half-point and fit in more Games that almost but not quite made it to The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien) #4 It is a proven fact that the first sign of drunkenness is to try and prove outright that you are NOT drunk. Called 'The Drinking Game' created for the 'Party round Nancy's House' zone, the idea is to drink lots of Vodka and Iron-Bru and then attempt to walk in a straight line to the Crystal, with you being Automatically locked in should you stray from the line. The contestant is given the amount of time it takes the water clock (a mug held under a leaking ceiling where some people let a bath overflow which saturates THE WHOLE FLOOR OF THE HOUSE) to spill over (In the Aztec zone style-e, sort of). The game was dropped on the grounds of complaints that the contestant was still drunk after the game and therefore useless for The Crystal Dome. Mr Funny Shoes! (Obligatory Mimic reference courtesy of me. I still reasonably enjoyed the film even if nobody else did. Oooh, I'm SO controversial.) It's All new X-Men character time! #1 Name: Tim Henman Special Power: In times of need, he can turn into a hen (called Tim) and peck the opposition to death. Has yet to conquer Mr Pete Sampras who appears to be the unbeatable foe. Likes: Tennis, worms, collecting special crisp packets from a bygone era of crisps beginning with the letter 'B'. His collection of which is unrivalled through the whole world. Hates: Losing, Pete Sampras, people called 'Keith', people who refer to crisps as 'potato chips'. Quote: "THEY'RE CALLED CRISPS NOT POTATO CHIPS DAMMIT!" Next week, we'll be interviewing James Hetfield out of Metallica (and yes, I will be making the obvious reference, hurrah!), and we'll be posing the question 'Imaani - Where Are You Now?' As well as all the usual features. Send in your mail, Byeeeeeeeeee!
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