MFI TUESDAY

Issue 20

The end of an era. Not a particularry long one, but one that lasted a year-and-a-bit, spanned twenty issues (this is the twentieth) and a video version which sadly was not to be. This is the video version. Sort of. To those that have stayed with it since the beginning, I thank you. For those that haven't, bugger off and read the rest (http://mfit.cjb.net). Culture Club reformed. Where are they now? The Human League reformed. Where are they now? Space formed. Where are they now? MFI Tuesday could reform but then, where would it be? It's the beginning of the end. So let's begin with the end... Ladies and Gentlemen... Here is a Newsflash Diana Ross has been arrested and charged with assault. She's going to be tried at the Supremes Court. And on that bombshell, this is MFI Tuesday - The Final (Sponsored by bamd and part-time van hre company Bran Van 3000, "nobody will help you with your movements more than us!") and here's your host Mr Nicolas Gates! Good evening friends and thanks for tuning in. Think of what it would be like if Chris Evans actually had a private function with the people out of Friends and hilariously opened up his show with "Good Evening Friends and thanks for tuning in!" Pillock. On today's show we have an interview with Robin Williams! Fun with 5ive! A-Ha playing on my computer! But first, have you ever wondered what happened to famous singles from the 80's after they've gone past their sell by date? That's right, they end up in Heaven, but not before they've been put through a test. That test is 'can we use this in a play of some sort'? In Steven Spielberg's new Computer Animated Movie (TM) he aims to really simulate the comedy, the happiness and the sadness of washing machine liquids and powders at war. Will they win against the evil dirt? How can they cope at high temperatures, even as high as forty degrees? And more importantly, can you wash a shirt several times without losing it's colour? In his film (I've had a sneak-peek at the plotline) the evil detergent gang led by a Mr Ariel Ultra manage to scare the good shirt guys so much that they lose their colour. There's only one thing they can sing at this point, it is of course Fade To Grey by Visage. Hoorah! Cut to a shot of me getting out of bed. Having been asleep, I get up very tired and go and get a drink of squash. I'm very tired. I get to the kitchen. I'm very tired. I'm still very tired. My eyes can't quite open. I get my drink. I drink my squash. I am very tired. Tiredness is a big thing. I collapse. A chorus in the background sing 'FLASH!' I scream 'Arrrggghhh!' And that's quite enough of that. Instead it's time for our interview with a comedy legend. Oh hang on, I mis-read that, he's a comedy leg end. He is Mr Robin Williams! [Background music to the Riverboat Georgina adverts on Q103] Hang on, your not Robin Williams! Aside to assistant: I said I wanted Robin Williams to interview. Who's he? Assistant: Oh, er, we couldn't actually afford Robin Williams so what I've done you see is cunningly got in ex-Take-Thatter Robbie Williams. You know, "Millenium" and all that. Me: Oh, OK then. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Robbie Williams! Etc. "Hello!" Erm, actually this is quite a faux pas as the questions I've written were for Robin williams. Erm, do you want a stab at answering them anyway? "Erm, yeah, sure!" So, your role in Flubber then? "Well, if you're going to make jokes about my weight then I may as well just go now!" Robbie Williams! Next up... no, I'm only joking. A little while ago you were in a film called 'Dead Poet's Society' weren't you? "No, that was Robin Williams, but even so I have watched it and it had an adverse effect on myself and all my songwriting since. Look at 'Strong', "If this is real then I feel fake, Oprah Winefry, Ricki Lake." In retrospect that was a bad line really. Maybe I should have changed it to "Your dress sense is a bit like Hitler, River Island, the magazine Tatler." but that doesn't actually fit the rhyme pattern, does it? I should be a Dead Poet." Yes, you should. How good are you with babies Robbie? "Me? Erm..." Well it's time to play Baby Left Baby Kicked Out! Here's our baby and you've got to guess whether the baby left or the baby was kicked out. If you get it right then you win... something. OK then Robbie, Baby Left or Baby Kicked Out? "Erm... Baby Left?" Let's see... oh no, Baby Kicked Out! Still never mind Robbie. I'm going to give you something anyway. Would you like a blow job, right here right now? "Erm..." Well that's good because it's a bit hot in here and my fan's not working. Cheers Robbie! The Shrine-ing It's time for The Shrine0ing, a brand new bit where we create a shrine to somebody whom we, erm... I admire. Today it's... Vince Clarke! Yesss! I think he's a musical synth-pop genius and so we are gathered here today for this. First, Vince was a founder member of Depeche Mode, sadly, back when they weren't very good. Oh well. Now, 'depeche mode' roughly means 'fast fashion' in French and to represent this with have a bit of card with this excellent joke: What kind of underwear moves at 90 mph> Honda Pants. I didn't invent that. Next he was a member of The Audience but I don't know any of their songs. Still, to represent this I have an episode of Tarrant on TV which has Jerry Springer on it. "Hey Jerry! I used to have a life and some friends but then I came to see your show. Go Jerry, Go Jerry!" One of his better known bands was of course Yazoo with Alison Moyet which apparently could be making a comeback. Don't Go! To cash in on their success they invented Yazoo - The Cash In Strawberry Milkshake. Shh, if you listen carefully you can hear it whispering your name... [Pedantic Git: No you fool. Whispering Your Name was a solo hit for Alison Moyet.] Sod off pedantic git. Finally there is the fantastic Erasure. Vince dropped Alison Moyet for Andy Bell who sound very similar. Now, to represent Erasure we have... a confident rubber. It's an eras...ure. Ah! Cut to a shot of me getting out of bed. Having been asleep, I get up very tired and go and get a drink of squash. I'm very tired. I get to the kitchen. I'm very tired. I'm still very tired. My eyes can't quite open. I get my drink. I drink my squash. I am very tired. Tiredness is a big thing. I collapse. A chorus in the background sing 'JIF!' I scream 'Arrrggghhh!' Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke tries stand-up comedy with a stopwatch Hello! I'm Stereotypical Thick Northern Bloke, from Northern Land, that's Up North that is! Now how do I beginthis? This is the first time I've done stand up and perhaps the last time. Look, I'm so thick I lapse into Westcountry occasionally! Sorry. T'other day I was considering hair dressers. After that, I considered the shops as well and you think of the names and y'know, they're all about cutting hair: The Wacky Hair Company, Scruffs whatever and then I wondered what would happen if a celebrity got in on the act. You know Brian Connolly? What would he call a hairdresser's shop if he owned one? Now, I considered this for a couple of hours, nothing else to do like, and I think he'd be pleased with the result. I think he'd call it 'Brian Connolly's Bri-an Con-hair-ly'. Hang on, that doesn't make any sense, does it? [Checks watch] They say that comedy is all in the timing. [checks watch again] Five minutes twenty-two. Well that's a load of bollocks isn't it? I turned on to Channel 5's 100% Sex the other night. Imagine my dissappointment when I got a multiple choice quiz. A lot of people say I'm a bit thick, aparently it's in my name. Do you know what I say? I say look at Jesus - so thick he decided to be born even though his mother had never had sex. He began life as a baby and ended it as the Son of God. whatsmore, he did it without any GCSEs in 'Being the Son of God.' Er, I think, I may have to research that. Anyway, could you imagine that on your certificate sheet? History:A, Mathematics:B, Physics:B, Being the Son of God: A*. That would be great wouldn't it? Right, I'm going now. Gra-gra-graffiti! Read on the back of a door once: 'Hang Gays and Nigers'. This confused me. How would you hang the capital city of Nigeria? And notice how much advertising the British National Party gets during the French tennis next year. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but Is It Irony? For the last time it's time to put on my spangly jacket (literally a jacket with Spangles sweets stuck to it). Ronan Keating sings a song which goes 'You say it best when you say nothing at all.' Yeeess, certainly, you do say it best when you don't say anything Ronan! Therefore it's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive.... Lolly says: "Hey Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind hey Mickey, Hey Mickey! MICKEY MOUSE!" But is it irony? And now... the premier of Shania Twains new hilarious satirical show 'That Don't Impress Me Much!" Howdy partners! I'm famous pop-Country and Western Singer Shania Twain and... That Don't Impress Me Much! Yes, over the next seven or eight sentences or so, expect some top quality satire from me, who feels like she's a woman! Yee-hah! First on the bill today those Sommerfield adverts. You'd think that we wouldn't get them in America would you, but we do! Yee-hah! Etc. Well, they tend to be really cheesy don't they, especially the bits where the hilarious comedy mother at the end turns round to the camera and says something cheesy like 'Free, that's one of my favourite prices!' Hilarious eh? Well, we had a chat with that mother and asked her what her other favourite prices were. She said "Well, I'm quite partial to £6.24 myself. I always leap with joy whenever something comes along that is £6.24 that I leap into the air and rush out and buy it. I once saw a sofa go for £215.76 once. That's my other favourite price." Thanks that Mum! That Don't Impress Me Much! Docido! The second thing that doesn't impress me much tonight are those new Persil Tab Lights. At least that's what I think they are BECAUSE NO-ONE IN THE FUCKING WORLD SAYS TABLOITS! "Who makes your bed, Mum?" "No Ikea." Please, that scriptwriter and that young actor, never work on television again. Why? Because... THAT DON'T IMPRESS ME MUCH! Yee-hah! Edele Lynch says: No, Jesse Hols On is NOTHING LIKE Rollercoaster, which is nothing like Double Deckers. Really! B'jesus. It's the last ever Game That Never Quite Made The Crystal Maze (with Richard O Brien) It's the Student Game! Based in the Bedsit zone, you're locked in a five by five foot room where you must study long and hard whilst everyone else gets paid lots of cash. Wooh-ha-ha-ha! Etc. With a minute to go, you have to get drunk as quickly as possible and then pretend you're not drunk by walking in a straight line before the water clock, the dripping tap in your 'bathroom' overflows the bath or something. Drip! We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Ads "How often have you been in to an interview only for this to happen? [Points a garden hose into her armpit and turns it on] Let's face it, you must be bloody unlucky to go into an interview and spray yourself with a garden hose, haven't you? That's where new Sure comes in, with it's own inbuilt Garden hose desprayer thing you'll be safe in interviews forever!" The rather obvious misadventures of Mr Gay. No, on second thoughts you can probably guess how puerile this was going to be. Might have worked on video though. Mr Gay wasn't actually homosexual but you can probably guess the hilarious scrapes that his name was going to get him into!!! (Three exclamation marks means wacky, remember). Gothic Artists Ride a Wail! This was going to be an interview with everyone's favourite Goth but I'm not going to do that now. Incidentally, the bit of card that title was written on would have flipped over to reveal the words 'Richard Stilgoe is a Twat', but I'll let you work that one out yourself. 5ive in the Future a docusoap about what the members of five will be doing in twenty years time. Scary 5ive will be hosting a programme called 'Phat Mutha', an exercise show aimed at recent mothers who may well be a bit fat. Scary 5ive says: 'yeah, this is a new direction for me and I'm really looking forward to it. I've always been into Phat Muthas and this seems like a good way to put back what I've taken.' What are Sporty, Ginger, Baby and Posh doing? "Oh, they're all being obscure somewhere." Thanks Scary 5ive! Jeremy Clarkson says: Wildlife. If this anteater was a car, it would be an anteater with a steering wheel and four-wheel drive. Cut to a shot of me getting out of bed. Having been asleep, I get up very tired and go and get a drink of squash. I'm very tired. I get to the kitchen. I'm very tired. I'm still very tired. My eyes can't quite open. I get my drink. I drink my squash. I am very tired. Tiredness is a big thing. I collapse. A chorus in the background sing 'TESCO VALUE WASHING UP LIQUID!' I scream 'Arrrggghhh!' I'm guessing that this running joke would work better on film because then you can see exactly what I'm doing, something you may not be able to do just reading it. Just think about it. A bit. Roger the Cook's Report: Letters Play Teletext Letters pages. An interesting diversion for bored people or a hotbed of vice and scandal? We investigated further and you'll be pleased to hear that everything we have on file has been given to The Police. Sting likes that sort of thing. Let's take the recent hunting debate, just f'instance. Now, I've been a cook for as long as I can remember, but I've never seen a letter like this: "Dear Ceefax. I think hunting is wrong. It is cruel. A Twat, Staffordshire" an innocuous enough letter but it is enough to set of war in the pro-hunt lobby. Consider this retaliation letter the next day: "No A. Twat you are wrong! Hunting is not cruel, it is humane so there. Stephen Jerkov, Edinburgh" now that should be enough to finish the argument but IT IS NOT! There is always someone with a rational explanation whom no-one can be bothered to listen to: "Now your recent correspondents (26/7 and 27/7) are both wrong about hunting.There is the third way. One that argues reason and facts before gut feeling. Somewhere between Commercialism and Communism. Where are your facts Twat and Jerkov? B Tlair, London" and then: then there is the wit who will try to defuse the situation with a joke: "Dear Ceefax, why don't we all calm down? Instead of hunting foxes, why don't we all hunt Jaffa Cakes instead? P Orffff, Dorset" which brings us nicely to the closing of this particular argument. Or at least, it would if someone didn't bring something else into it: "Dear Ceefax, why are we wondering about hunting? We're only doing it because the good Lord our God let's it be. Amen. R Green, Hutton-on-the-hill" and finally our two original correspondents come back to finish: "Dear Ceefax, the pen is indeed mightier than the sword. Well done for seeing sense and showing how stupid we are P Orfff (29/7). Would you like to come round for some tea and cake? PS God doesn't exist. A Twat, Staffordshire" and "Dear Ceefax, of course I'm right I'm a middle class Conservative voter who likes hunting. Actually God does exist so there. And while I'm here, because I'm obviously more intelligent than everyone else I'm going to be celibrating the Millennium on December 31st 2000. Stephen Jerkov, Edinburgh" and so it goes on, and you have to wonder why, don't you? Right: I'm going to cook some food. Wireless headphones are literally all the rage at the moment. Sunday morning going slow I'm talking to the radio Clothes and records on the floor The memories of the night before Out in club land having fun And now I'm hiding from the sun Waiting for a visitor Though no-one knows I'm here for sure Dancing laughing Drinking loving And now I'm all alone In bedsit land My only home I think it's time to cook a meal To fill the emptiness I feel Spend my money going out I've nothing in I'm left without Clean my teeth and comb my hair And look for something new to wear And start the night life over again Kid myself I'm having fun I look out from my window view There's really nothing else to do Read a book maybe write a letter Mother, things are getting better Watch the mirror count the lines The battle scars of all the good times Look around and I can see A thousand people just like me Dancing laughing Drinking loving And now I'm all alone In bedsit land My only home (x2) Dancing, laughing, drinking, loving I'm waiting for something I'm only passing time (Bedsitter, Soft Cell) Well this is, um, it I suppose, the culmination of 20 issues, 45,000 words and about two good puns. There was lots of stuff I'd have like to have done on a video version but can't here, I would have loved to done a real life emulation of How To Emulate Laserquest For Less Than £3.50 and I would have liked to have done an excellent "That's very Lee and Herring" "Actually no it isn't, it's sufficiently different enough so as not to infringe copyright. Aaaah!" But sadly I can't. Currently I'm listening to Love to Hate You by Erasure through my snazzy cordless headphones but you probably didn't care. Anyway, this really is the end. But not the end of the end. That's at the end. I'm definitely not giving up writing - I've got a web-page, and another one, and I'd like to try something a bit different when I've got a bit more cash. I'd like to start... a magazine. Of comedy. Not for a while though so don't get too excited just yet. I've been Nick Gates, I'm still Nick Gates and probably will be for some time. This issue was brought to you by Font Size 5 and legend Jimmy Saille. Now Jim'll Fix It is one show they should bring back, don't you think? Well, finally I can be contacted here: nickgates@mfit.freeserve.co.uk and the MFITuesday archive is here, mfit.cjb.net . Good luck with everything and now this really is the end. Now then now then now then young man. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Back to the MFI Tuesday Homepage
Back to Nick's Gameshow Courtroom