It's time once again for our weekly satire on a trawl through life and the best and worst that popular culture has to offer. Unfortunately, I can't do that. Generique, generique, generique! Here's MFI Tuesday (issue 3) instead, with your host Mr Nick 'Ooh look I'm seventeen now, I can learn to drive now AND THAT'S IT' Gates! Oh thank you, you really are too kind. No, stop it. Now. Today, we'll be asking the question 'Imaani - Where are you now?' as well as all the usual features but first, the biggest star I've had to interview yet, from Metallica, it's James Hetfield! (the theme music from 'The Riverboat Georgina' radio advertisement plays in the background). Hi James! "Hi Nick." So then, Metallica then. What's it all about then, eh? "Well, we are four blokes who used to have dodgy perms and probably still do - I haven't looked in the mirror for a while..." May I just stop you there? There seems to be room for some kind of Vampire reference there. "As I was saying, we come under the guise of Heavy Metal..." Aah, but Heavy Metal or Hard Rock? "Well, rocks by their very nature are reasonably hard so that term is a bit rubbish. You can get light metal, I don't know, Aluminium or something which at least allows people flexibility of argument." OK then, if you were a Heavy Metal, which Heavy Metal would you be? "Well it would have to be Uranium wouldn't it, for obvious reasons." Of course(!). So then, any song ideas lately? "Well yes as it happens. I have this idea of singing a song about a couple who go off to a romantic dinner together but she can't decide which herb to have with her main course so asks the waiter to tell the chef to put on whatever he thinks best. One of the lines goes like this: 'It's something unpredictable that in the end is right, I hope you have the thyme of your life.' I think its a touching and poignant song and is to be released soon." But hasn't it been done already? "I don't think so. Maybe some insigificant band used the same line a while ago" (Note: The words and opinions expressed by the real (and this is an actual interview remember) James Hetfield are not necessarily those of Nick Gates or his employers and no legal action may be taken on his or their part. James is probably right though.). So then, what do you think of the British music scene? "Well one of my favourite bands ever is Pulp. That Jarvis Cocker is such an amazing frontman and his lyric writing is pure genius. I find the metaphor behind 'I'm not Jesus but I have the same initials, I am the man who stays at home and does the dishes' quite amazing and fascinating" Well there you go. You do understand that because of your words, Scary Metallica, more than one person is probably shouting the word 'Git' at me right now. "Yes, actually". James Hetfield everybody! But now it's time for more Games that never quite made it to The Crystal MAze with Richard O' Brien #5 'Becoming a Goth', set in the Medieval zone, inside the room are various bits of black clothing and a black cow. The idea is to kill the cow so as to provide leather for which to wear. Also inside the room are some black jeans and some bin liners just casually lying around. There was probably some make-up there as well JUST to be authentic. The idea of the game was to become as Goth-like as possible within three minutes, but you were automatically locked in if you used the word 'git' whenever someone makes a disparaging comment about heavy metal music. The game was dropped on the grounds that the contestants required to play the games often died from heat-exhaustion by the time they got to Aztec zone (all that black letting the heat in. You see, Reader? You see Reader? Sent you one way, went the other.) "Hey Nick?" Yes James? "Isn't it about now you do that cult, camp, comedy gameshow Is it irony? Well yes it is, but not yet today. It's cult, it's camp etcetera. Instead, its time for It's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail! And this week we have TWO letters! The first one is "folded only six times" but to be honest with you, it does look like a seventh fold was attempted. It reads thus (thus? For God's sake. Oooh, sacrilege, I'm SOOO controversial): "Dear Mr Nick Gates, Wow your so much cooler than Bill Gates (in charge of Microsoft and not terribly ironic) although not quite as cool as my front gate (which opens and closes). Your pages are very much great, I must also insist that we have more 'Games that didn't make it to the crystal maze' and more mockery of drunk people who drink too Vodka and Irn-Bru, (why is it spelt "bru"?) though no more mocking of the X-Men please. Yours Catatonicly Alex Cunliffe. Oh year my entry to "fantasy which competition will be next is" - A sweepstake where people bet on the number of limbs a Selafield frog has, my guess is 12." Weeeeeeeeeelllllll thanks Alex! It does have to be said though that as a regular correspondent, your syntax and grammar is even worse than the last time. You've got a gate that opens AND closes? Wow! I wish I had one of those. My one merely opens the first time but is in fact impossible to close. We actually have to rotate the whole house through ninety degrees just to put it in a closed position. Don't worry, they'll be plenty more 'Games that never quite made it to The Crystal Maze with Richard O Brien' but I'm not sure there are many ways I can take the piss out of drunk people. And after such a lovely letter there is no way I will ever mock the X-Men ever again. Why is Irn-Bru called Irn-Bru? What an excellent way to link into my new and never to be repeated feature: Mulder and Scully investigates... Why is Irn-Bru called Irn-Bru? (16:02 - A timeshare house somewhere in Leeds) "But Mulder, it's so dark in here." "Let's turn our torches on in a stereotypical manner then. Oh wow Scully, look, there's a bottle of oddly spelled drink over there." "Mmm, it's Irn-Bru! Apparently it's very nice with Vodka!" "But why is it spelt so weird? Did aliens capture the maker implant the name 'Irn-Bru' in his head which is actually a message to aliens to invade Earth?" "I don't think so Mulder, perhaps it's because it's got iron in it and it is brewed but they changed the letters so as to entice and attract a young market." Well, I hope that clear that little mystery up for you Alex. The other letter is slightly more... erm... how do I put this? Er, 'interesting'. It's written by 'Anon' and starts off: "Dear Mr Nick, Your oh so wrong! Shower! Not bath and so now you shall be taken to court for all your money as Nancy's shower has been copyrighted" and ends with "you got it WRONG! SHOWER FOOL SHOWER!!" Well, you can sue me if you want but I think you'll be a bit disappointed with the £8.71 I currently have in my bank account. Incidentally, I said it was a bath, therefore going around copyright laws by being wrong. Copywrong I suppose. By the way, signing Anon on the bottom of the letter was a little bit pointless given I saw you write the flippin' letter in the first place. It's like explosive device procedures where I work. The idea is that they phone up saying there is a bomb and you've got to try and get their address out of them. Surely there's only one way to do that: 'Where do you live' '66 Butanic Way... Oh damn." Yeah, right. And we have to inform them that detonating a bomb may cause injury or loss of life, in the off chance that the bomber doesn't quite realise this. Keep your letters flooding in, address them to 'Nick Gates - The Canteen or his house' It's another hilarious episode of Friends! "We really MUST get an air-conditioner" [ha, ha, ha!], "does that, like, you know, condition the air?" [ha, ha, ha!] "How cool."[Ha, collapse]. I saw an episode of Friends the other day and it to be fair, it moved me. Unfortunately, it REALLY moved me, from the living room settee to my bedroom upstairs where I listened to Separations by Pulp, an excellent album that really grows on you, including the song 'Separations' which sort of starts as an atmospheric violiny thing then suddenly turns into a variant of Little Donkey. It's great! Villain of the weeeeek! Is that company that produced Speccy Classix 98 CD-ROM because it doesn't work with Windows 95, even though it gives instructions for this. Aaagggghhh! Literally seconds away from Manic Miner, Atic Atac and Jetpac! Is it my imagination or have I finally found something worth looking for? I was looking for some action but all I found was... Oh, it was my imagination after all. "Is it time yet?" Ah, but of course... It's time for cult, camp, comedy quiz show Is it irony! Thank you! Here's today's question... Coming up quite soon are the Summer Holidays yet I appear to have an English language project, a Heroes and Villains piece of coursework to write, Mansfield Park to read (as well as any other Jane Austen novel), a piece of audience research on The Simpsons to do and to top it all off, an essay on The Simpsons to write. Cheers then! However, it's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but is it irony? But now as promised at the top of the page, it's time to ask the question 'Imaani - Where are you now?' Phew, I'm glad that's over. Fort Boyard update! Yeeeesssss I know that only a handful of you have any idea what I'm on about but I've seen a rundown of the new stuff (which started on France 2 on Saturday so all being well will start on TV5 within a fortnight) and it sounds great! 10 new key games (including one called 'The Grenade Launcher), two new clue games, a Gypsy who likes mud wrestling and fire and a giant sundial. Please don't mess it up Channel 5! Translations - The alternative review I went to see Translations on Friday and I have to say I was very impressed but that's as far as I go: I'm not going to become a luvvie! It received a rave review in the Cambridge Evening News but now I present an alternative review. Please note that I am not trying to detract from the great performance at all (evil laugh)... "It's only when the lights go up you encounter the full force of the set (because you wouldn't be able to see anything otherwise) and immediately it strikes you - this could be a scene from a sort of Medieval version of 'Sale of the Century' - who knows what's behind those big doors? A holiday? A car? Actually it was the actors and they were quite priceless. So, live from the Robinson Theatre it's the Quiz of the Week... Sale of the Century! Actually, this is quite wrong. It's a play called Translations by Brian Friel, Anna from out of used to being in Brookside's brother. It's about language barriers and differences between English and Irish. It has to be said, Adam Day was superb as playing Smart Arty from Children's television's 'Zzzzzzaaap!', out Neil Buchananing Neil Buchanan. He also managed to use the line 'Do you see? Do you see?' which means instant kudos. Tracy Don't-Know-Her-Surname was excellent as Blokeman and Terence Knox played a character I can't find a joke to make out of" I think it's time for a brand new feature, The Nick Gates guide to... Putting actors off whilst they are performing in a play. 1- Whenever you see someone you know acting in the play, try to catch their attention by doing the 'ya see?' action at them. You should know what this is by now. 2- Whenever a joke comes up, you should laugh heartily for over five minutes at a time. 3- Before the show, bribe the techos to turn all the lights out for a minute or two. God I'm tired. 4- Before the show, plant some 'Semtex' somewhere on the set. Go out during the interval and blow it up! Watch those actors attempt to act now! People who never quite made it to 'The National Lottery Big Ticket'#1 You know The National Lottery Big Ticket? You know those little clips of the people who have received money from the charities boards? They're crap, aren't they? Here's one that didn't quite make it, from Norwich cleaning services who received £1,500,000 from the Arts Council. "Here in Norwich, we like rubbish. So much in fact that we like to make the rubbish into pictures. We don't have a tip - we have an Art Gallery! However, we were running out of space so this money from the Arts Council will enable us to buy some extra land in order to create some more lovely art. Providing you have a helicopter, viewing is free. Tonight on The National Lottery Big Ticket, I'll be wiping the floor with the opposition!" So, a never to be repeated feature there then. General knowledge So, who won the World Cup then? France? Brazil? Actually you're all wrong, it was in fact Alan Shearer. Tony Blair actually made it Parliamentary law that Alan Shearer be in every advert during the World Cup period. Fantasy 'Superted's Secret Magic Word' League 1998 It's quite simple, the aim is to try and guess what exactly Superted's Secret Magic Word was. Bonus points available for actually saying it and then turning into a giant flying bear in the middle of the canteen or in the Quad when it is busy. Games that never quite made it to The Crystal Maze with Richard O' Brien #6 Devoloped for the 'Nostalgia' zone, the idea of the game was to have a conversation with a bloke in the room about old children's TV programmes for over forty-five seconds without repeating a word, hesitating or deviating. If done within three minutes they win the crystal. BUT, they were automatially locked in if they statred singing the theme tune of the programme. Dropped because every single one of the contestants sang 'AAAAAAAAGGGHHHH! SOMEDAY WE WILL FIND THE CIIIIITTTTTIIIEEESSSS OF GOOOOOLLLDDD!!!' It can't actually be done. And finally... That's the end of another issue, brought to you in font size 6.5 and the Coleslaw ingredients 'carrots' and 'mayonnaise' and, of course, sponsored by Alan Shearer himself. Look out for the advert. This document is 2568 words long, making it the longest edition of MFI Tuesday yet If we all meet often enough during the Summer I'll produce them then! When you're in the supermarket and you hear the beep (BEEP!) Think of the fun YOU could be having running away from security. Byyeeeeeee!
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