I'm horny, horny horny horny, so horny, horny horny horny. But I don't find you attractive. Ah, but you are human and I'm merely a bull. Generique generique generique! It's MFI Tuesday (Issue 5) today in superb Arial font! It's a bit like Ariel but it can't get your stains out at 40 degrees. And here's your host Mr Nicolas "Don't spell his name with an 'h'" Gates! Woo. Thank you. I think we better start with an interview, so here it is, An exclusive interview with Another Level! Weeeeeelllllll hello! "Hello." So then, Another Level. "Yeah, do you remember old eighties band Level 42? Well, we were going to be a Level 43 tribute band, Level 43, but we realised that none of us could play guitar or keyboard. Or sing. So our record company decided that we should become a boy band, otherwise we would be too postmodern and ironic for our younger fans so here we are." One of you is called Bobak, aren't you? "Yes, sadly." So, Freak Me then? "Well, we like it and it DID get to number one." Ah yes, it did. But how many of those do you think bought it because, giggle, it was a little bit naughty? "Eh? It's not naughty or rude at all!" 'I want to lick you up and down', that's not relating to sex is it? I think you're merely try8ing to cash in on the teenage girl market. "But it's totally innocent! Please believe us! 'I want to lick you up and down', well, it's a love song to a postage stamp, isn't it! We're actually monarchists and happen to be in love with the queen! And we mentioned 'whipped cream' because we happened to be eating scones at the time of writing the songs. Have you got a dirty mind?" No, not at all. Why Freak Me? "Well, in truth there is an ulterior motive behind the song. You see, we want to lure woman to our gaffe so we can kill them and do experiments on them, so we can turn them into the Queen hence 'Tonight baby, I want to get Freaky with you'" Hmm, there's probably a paedophilia joke in there somewhere. Another Level everybody! Obligatory Vampire Jokes What's a vampire's favourite sport? Cricket! Why did a Vampire go to the doctor who had a part time job as a DIY/Decorator? Because it had a coffin fit. What is the difference between a Vampire and Adam Day? One sleeps in a coffin, is nocturnal and sucks blood, the other one is the Vampire. Revised National Curriculum: History Under new Government proposals by David Blunkett MP, part of the syllabus is to recognise the fact that Americans invented the teenager in the 1950s as a marketing ploy. Before then, there were no teenage years, people jumped from the age of 12 to 20. Anyone caught being 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 or nineteen were instantly sentenced to death by Rock 'n' Roll, a horrible and tragic method of death where the teenager would be tied to the ground and a huge rock rolled over them, thereby crushing them TO DEATH. In the 1950s, it became officially OK to become a teenager as long as they passed a means test, otherwise they would be forced to live out the rest of their lives permanently in old age. These old-age pensioners often formed bands and a new type of genre was born based on the now outlawed method of death, Rock 'n' Roll. Games that never quite made it to The Crystal Maze #8 'The Orange Juice Lolly Game.' Developed for the Orangeinous zone, before the game, the player is forced to eat a Real Orange Juice (TM) ice lolly and then has to drink several glasses of squash. They can win the game only if they can guess correctly the flavours of the squash they are drinking. Unfortunately, it is a proven fact that after eating a Real Orange Juice lolly, you crave for more even though they're actually not that nice. Worse, the taste knackers your tastebuds for a period of about 2.67 years afterwards, practically making the game impossible. FACT! Revised National Curriculum: Modern Languages No one ever again will be forced to do French, German or Spanish, instead under new Government proposals they will be required insted to learn the Modern Language of Bollocks. Students will be taught to lie, fabricate and exaggerate everything they do. Luckily, it's the subject that many High School pupils will be guaranteed to be good at. It's my Mail it's my mail, It's my mail it's my mail. Well, given that I didn't get any MFI Tuesday mail this week, today this section will be filled with all the other mail I received this week. All four letters. The first one was from BSM saying that they've rescheduled some of my lessons. Secondly, a letter from Lloyds Bank saying 'Bank Statement'. Of course, it didn't actually say 'Bank Statement', it was merely a piece of paper and being an inanimate object isn't capible of such dramatic feats. Actually though, when we say something is inanimate, is it really? Surely all those little particles must be moving a bit, surely? It's cult, it's camp it's compulsive, but it's not time for Is it irony? just yet. Thirdly, I got a lovely postcard from Ceri, saying that the crowds in Paris were crowds and she had trouble getting into the Eiffel Tower. Her feet were also worn out trying to get to the table in her room. Finally, I recieved the autumn/winter Cambridge Arts Theatre catalogue, full of the latest stuff although the Toys and Games section was sadly lacking, but what do you expect, they're a theatre! That's the end of It's My Mail and if I receive no letters next week I'll do exactly the same again. You have been warned. Revised National Curriculum: English Language Under new Government Proposals from David Blunkett MP, primary school children will no longer be allowed to use conventional dictionaries. Instead, in a fit of radical reform to improve young children's vocabulary, dictionary words are now going to be printed in a completely random order so that when a child wants to look up a word they must start from the beginning of the dictionary and read every word in it until they get to the one they want. One of the questions in the new SATs tests for seven year olds is 'How do you spell antidisestablishmentarianism?', antidisestablishmentarianism being the second word in the dictionary after 'syphillis'. This is to test the child's unique logical skills because even if they don't know how to spell antidisestablishmentarianism if they are clever enough they should realise that it will be exactly the same as the word written in the question. Needless to say, it is expected that 70% of seven-year-olds will fail. Commercial Break Hmm, just listen, learn and repeat. It's easy to speak Bollocks with Linguaphone! In just a couple of hours you'll be able to talk rubbish as if you're a natural. Call now and we'll even throw in a tape cassette absolutely free! Villain of the weeeeek! this week is software company DID fot the simple reason that they are releasing a game entitled 'Wargasm'. YOU WILL NOT LAUGH AT THIS. Villain of the Week also has a new thing to shere it's single bed with this week, The Weekly Adam Day 'You're Shit' Award which this week goes to Loaded. Loaded - You're shit. It's dubbed 'The magazine for men who should know better' and I'll tell you something: They aren't wrong there! In fact, in future from the January 1999 issue, EC Directives will force the magazine to change it's title form 'Loaded' to 'Yeah, You Wish' and will be dubbed 'the magazine for men who are too scared to buy porn'. And now, it's time for cult, camp, comedy quiz show Is it irony? Or at least it would have been if I could think of an ironic question. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but Is it irony? I've had my first driving lesson AND I'M STILL ALIVE! That's probably a good sign. Joke Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it wanted to make a postmodern and ironic statement. Chickens are clever, see. The Ironic Movement I think it's about time there was an ironic movement for THE Ironic Movement. I suggest the 'Sent you one way, went the other' movement but any others suggested will be considered. Although this considered, surely the most ironic thing of all is if the people of the Ironic Movement actually didn't move at all? Nick'll Fix it for youuuuu and you and you, la, la, la etc. This week I fixed it for the Spice Girls. They went straight into Number One with their song Viva Forever. Quite clearly in the song, the girls talk about 'Pasta Manureo always be mine'. Clearly, this is some avant-garde postmodern dish, some Cataloni pasta served with some horse manure on top in the Spaghetti Bolognaise style-ee. I personally delivered this dish to The Spice Girls myself and they really said 'Mmm, thank's Nick, you've really fixed it for us!' and yes, I really did do this. Five go Camping The raging debate goes on: Is it Five or is it 5ive? AAAAAANNNNYYYWAY, it's time to remake classic Enid Blyton novels with everyone's favourite 'bad' band 5Five! "Hey Scary Five, why don't we go camping." "Ooh missus phat mutha." "No, git, I meant actual camping, in a tent." "Well, there's probably still some sexual innuendo in there somewhere phat mutha." "OK, I'll decide where to go, with my GCSE in woodwork it does make me the intelligent one." Two hours later... "Scary Five?" "Yes, phat mutha?" "We don't actually have a tent." "Oh no, I must 'do' a crap rap: We're going camping but we ain't got a tent, if you think we have then you are bent." Well, that's another Enid Blyton novel 'done' for 'good measure'. Things what are really good I tuned into So Graham Norton on Sunday Night expecting to watch some stupid pap. What did I get? Some stupid pap! BUT it was funny stupid pap. How many other people would 'log' 'onto' a live sex show on the Internet, then whilst commiunicating to to the woman via a microphone ask the woman to put some clothes on and then show him the rest of her room because "interior decorating turns me on"? I found the show very amusing and I will probably tune in again. Eclectic! How to emulate... The Salle de Tresor (Treasure Room for the uninitiated) bit from cult French Gameshow Fort Boyard Not all of us can do everything. Very few of us will ever get everything we want. Very few of us will actually 'be' a contestant, even though it is coming to Britain hosted by Melinda Messenger and (for some unknown reason) Leslie Grantham. So here is how to do it the super-cheapo way! To begin with, you need some fat bloke to bang a gong to signal the start of the thing. If you can't get this, get somebody's dad to bang a wooden spoon on the back of a frying pan in order to acheive the authentic effect. You'll then need some tigers to put away. Now, I realise that not everybody can easily get to the Sarangetti and capture some tigers and even fewer would let them live in the garden or living room. In cases like these, get some kittens and get someone to put them in a box and if you want, take a tape recording of some tigers in order to really unnerve your contestants. If you can't get any kittens, scary looking gerbils make a great alternative.BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP! We've gone past the magic 10,000 words of rubbish mark. That's right, 10,000 words of rubbish have been written since the beginning of MFI TUESDAY issue 1. I'd just like to thank my sofa and of course, YOU. Back to the show. To recreate the letter board, get an old Twister Canvas and using marker pen, write a letter in each of the circles. Give your contestants some clues to a clue word. Get them to stand on the correct letters. If they are correct, empty your inevitable large bottle of change onto a table. Your contestants have the remaining time to collect as much of the change as possible and deposit it into an old saucepan outside the room. With thirty seconds to go, slowly close the door out of the room to the saucepan and shout at everyone to leave because they might get eaten by the tigers/ kittens/ scary looking gerbils. Afterwards, count the cash in the saucepan. In today's money, Fort Boyard cost about £2,000,000 to build. Here, you have recreated it for £27.46. And finally... That's the end of this week's MFI Tuesday which this week was brought to you in font size 6.5 and the crisp flavours 'Prawn Cocktail', 'Salt and Vinegar' and 'Worcester Sauce'. As yet I have managed to aviod using any Pulp lyric, yet in the middle of the night it feels alright but then tommorow morning, ooh you come down, but now we're back here at Monday, we're gonna do it all over again. And we go uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh uh uh. I want a refund, I want a light, I want a reason to make it through the night. Alright. Next week: Marilyn Manson interviewed, Fantasy 'When will my brother put up his Christmas Decorations' 1998 Update and another How to Emulate... Laser Quest for less than £3.50. Well that's what you get for clubbin' it you can't go home and go to bed because it hasn't worn off yet and now it's morning. There's only one place we can go, it's round the corner in Soho where other broken people go. Let's go.
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