If laughter is the best medicine, get some Prozac. No wonder you're looking thin, when all that you live on is MFI Tuesday (Issue 6) and cigarettes. Cambridge Tow-bars Cambridge Tow-bars we're the fastest, we're the best, Cambridge Tow-bars Cambridge Tow-bars also do worse adverts than the rest! And that's guaranteed! Something else is guaranteed as well: This is Nick Gates... Aha! Was a Norwegian band who had a bloke called Morton Hackett in it. Other bands with stupid names of members include Oasis who have a member literally called Bonehead. This isn't a joke or a nickname, he was just unfortunately titled. Later an interview with Marilyn Manson but now: How to emulate Laser Quest for less than £3.50 A big thank you/stick two fingers up to Adam for saying 'Go to Laser Quest, it's only £2.50'. OK, do that then. Go twice however and it costs £5 which is more than £3.50. (AAAAHHH!) So here's how to play it forever for less than £3.50. You will need some tin foil to act as places to hit. You should put bits of these on your shoulders and using some selotape, onto your back and front. Next you need some laser guns. For these, go to your bike and take off your bike lights. Flash them on and off. See? You have a workable laser! Some of you may not have bikes so for all you people, try to sneak your way in to a Jean Michelle Jarre concert and after the show, attempt to take some of his lasers (Note: I will not be held responsible for anybody who DOES try to do this, I will simply get people to point at you and laugh). You now need to create the right atmosphere. For this, play in the front room with the lights off and the curtains closed. You could play with the lights on but that would be crap. Next, get some old Christmas lights, plug them in and then using some sticky tape, tape them around you so to give an idea as to where you are. Note that if you want a good game you will need to make sure that the wire is of a reasonable length. For the atmosphere, try putting 'Space' by Pulp on the CD player. If you can't get any dry ice or anything then try and get somebody to spray a constant stream of either deodorant or air freshener around the room (in which case the last person to be knocked unconscious is the winner). Onto playing itself then. If you can't get an adjudicator, you'll just have to guess who's winning. Basically, the idea is to shine your light as many times as you can on their piece of tin foil. You get bonus points for doing 'shhhh' sounds everytime you fire your laser and mega bonus points if you shout out 'I am the fish' during the game. Games that never quite made The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien #10 Ooh, 10th Anniversary! This week, the game that never quite made The Crystal Maze is the Cream Cracker game. Developed for the 'Light Lunch' zone, the idea of the game is to eat the Cheese and Pickle Cream Crackers within the three minute time limit without losing anything otherwise it is an automatic lock-in. Unfortunately, the game was dropped on the grounds that it is actually impossible to do. It is a proven fact that CREAM CRACKERS ARE THE CHILDREN OF SATAN and he has sent them down to teach us mere mortals a lesson. Next time you eat some cheese (it has to be grated, mind) and pickle on crackers and it breaks, don't blame it on bad luck. Don't blame it on the sunshine, don't blame it on moonlight, don't blame it on good time, don't even blame it on the boogie. BLAME IT ON SATAN I TELL YOU. But now of course it's the bit you've all been waiting for. It's time for the cult, camp, comedy quiz show Is it irony! I thank you. This week the situation. As you may or may not know, I'm taking driving lessons now and my lessons are on an 'Appointment Card' however, they're actually printed on a piece of paper. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but Is it irony? Join us next week for more ironic fun. Now, I promised several issues ago that I wouldn't take the piss out of the X-Men anymore after I made a joke on it. Now, I'm far too nice/kind/guilt ridden/stupid to go back on it so I won't. I just want you to know that. Wow, this font is called Fernando and I'm currently writing this with ABBA day on the telly on VH1. It's strange it's odd it's crap - It's the X-Files! Anyway, moving swiftly on... It's my MAil, It's my MAil, It's my Mail, It's my Mail. Oh yes indeed and a big hello to Ceri who may or may not be reading in Wales. HELLO! (Copyright Frank Skinner and David Baddiel etc.) So how much mail have I had? Not as much as last time. But even so, none of it is MFI Tuesday related so back into the depths is it again then. First, I have my Driving Theory test confirmed for Tuesday. Unfortunately, this is difficult to make a joke about. Erm, so I won't The other letter was from The Junction telling me that they were about to open a digital studio. That's nice. Villain of the weeeeek! Several this week. First, Adam Day because he used the phrase 'Kids and Cats' For this I sentence him to a timeshare holiday in Leeds. Secondly Satan for breaking my cheese and pickle Cream Cracker, letting it's contents spill all over my top. DAMN HIM! The Weekly Adam Day "You're Shit" award this week goes to the Arcade Commentator from Formula One '97. "Did you get his licence number?" "Go ahead Punk, make my day." Piss off. But forget all this. Why are we here? Because it's time to have an interview with Marylin Manson (Who needs Philosophy?) (Riverboat Georgina plays in the background). Hello Marylin. "Hello. Grrr." So, are you evil then? "Yes, I'm the most evil man alive. I am a servant of Satan. You should be scared." Oh believe me I am (cough). So can you be scary with a name like Marylin? "Are you taking the piss out of my name? ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS OUT OF MY NAME? I'M THE MOST EVIL MAN ALIVE I TELL YOU!" Yes, you are. Believe me, I'm metaphorically shitting my pants as I talk to you. So then, why do you worship Satan then? "Because he's the only thing more evil than me! I'm evil I am! Grr." Before we go on... Oh God, what does Curly Watts look like? Anyway haven't you heard that Cream Crackers are actually the children of Satan? What do you think about that then. "Yes, Jacob's Cream Crackers are evil BUT THEY AREN'T AS EVIL AS ME! I AM THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD!" Well, you might say that but it is a proven fact that Jacob's Cream Crackers ARE the children of the Devil. "BUT I DON'T CARE FOR I AM EVIL (I'M NOT MISERABLE MATTRESS) I AMMMMMM!" Yes. So then. It is said that your cover version of 'Sweet Dreams' is actually more correct than the Annie Lennox version who wrote and performed the song in the first place, you know what with her knowing how it should've been done anyway. "Yes. Grr." Hold on a second. Throughout this interview you have said, many times that you are 'The Most Evil Man in the World.' However, we have evidence to say otherwise! That's right, Marylin Manson - You are not the most evil man in the world! Unknown to you and the Police, we actually did a Through the Keyhole style expose on your house. "You couldn't, I'm the most evil man in the world!" Yes but we did. You do in fact live in a small cottage in the middle of Birmingham, don't you? "Grr. I'm evil." Yes, country houses in Birmingham are well known for their hard man image. Why do you have a shrine to fluffy bunnies in your bedroom and a couple of gerbils on your table? "Easy, so I can worship them to Satan for my own evil deeds." Yes. You do. Why do you have every Pulp CD they've ever collected by your CD player? "Because I like Pulp and I want people to shout the word 'Git!' at you." Of course you do. However, probably the biggest piece of evidence is this. Your name is really Brian. "Yes, yes it is. Damn you." Lyrical Irregularities in 'It's Raining Men' it talks about getting "absolutely soaking wet." However, if humans were dropping from above, surely the lyrics should be "absolutely soaking crushed" or "absolutely soaking dead?" Happily, it's an all new Manga Storyline One day in old Japan, a giant tetrahedron shaped chain-smoking octopus with nine-legs (just to be ironic for it was the Ironic Octopus) called Keith. Keith's plan was to take over the whole wide world by sucking in all the water of the world and then turned into ink, thus turning human peoples into the write-write tetraocto people. He could do this because he was so giant he took up the whole of the Atlantic Ocean! Sadly, he did have a weak spot - taking away his cigarettes so that's what Sandra, the nurse tries to do. Sadly, Sandra is Paraplegic. Buy 'Paraplegic fights the giant tetrahedron chain smoking octopus called Keith' from Manga Video priced £2.99. Its Mock Driving Theory test question time! Q. You want to overtake someone on a Motorway. Do you a) Stay at home, if you don't go out you can't cause an accident? b) Put your car into reverse gear in the hope that the world will suddenly start spinning in the opposite direction? c) Shout 'Go Go Gadget Overtake' in the hope that that your car will sprout helicopter blades and rocket boosters? or d) Ram the over car off the road? Q Which of these should you check before using your car? a) Your petrol? b) Your bank balance? c) The Cricket Scores? d) The Stars in your local paper - you never know when Russel Grant will suddenly say 'You will die in a car crash today'? This is the End of The Line and the end of this weeks MFI Tuesday. Already, Woolworths are advertising Back To Skool stuff for the end of Summer 1999 but what can you do? This will probably be the last MFI Tuesday until after Aberystwith because I want to knock off some of my work, as it were. Till next time, I leave you with this lateral thinking puzzle: A man goes in a lift and selects the fifth floor. He gets out and goes home. What was the name of his sister and more important, Is it irony? Byyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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