A special issue of MFI Tuesday (Issue 7) where I attempt not to mock a certain Goth we all know and love (cough). Sadly, that sounds too much like hard work so expect a fair amount of Adam bashing in the next 2000 words. Also in today's edition: No good Bill Clinton jokes! Games that never quite made The Crystal Maze, The Satan Fan Club with Marilyn Manson and more of your letters. THIS is Nicolas Gates and that over there who's about to come in to the Riverboat Georgina theme music is Brian Molko from Placebo! (The theme from The Riverboat Georgina advertisement plays in the background). So then Brian, do you know any good Bill Clinton jokes? "Erm, what's Monica Lewinsky's favourite bird?" I don't know, Swallow? Greater-spotted red-tit? "Yeah, it'll be that one then." Well then Brian, why Placebo? "Well, we think life is pretty shit but I thought if we all had a good sing-song the world would be a better place. It's all a conspiracy however! We know that by listening to our music, absolutely nothing will happen. Nya-ha-ha!" Ahem. Brian, if you don't mind me saying, you're a little bit weird. "And what do you mean by that?" Well, you seem quite effeminate. "Aah, that will be because I am a girl just with a very deep whiny voice. I think the confusion just adds to the mystique of the band." A friend in need is a friend indeed, a friend with weed is better... "That will be gardening. I'm a big fan of Alan Titchmarsh you know, I think Ground Force is compulsive viewing. It is no way a refererence to drugs which I do not condone at all. Really." OK, I think now's for time for a random question from the Smash Hit's style Teeny-bob Random Question Spinobola machine! And the question is: 'Do you like designer clothing?' "Well, I think a pair of trousers is a pair of trousers. And anyway, Armani is so passe, don't you know that BHS is the new 'in' style?" Thank you. So, before we finish, is there any where we can buy 'Pure Morning'? "Yes, from our record company. Each day, members of our company go outside and run across the pavement capturing the air. This is then bottled up ready for order. It costs £29.99." But how do we know that it is from the morning and not from, say, 1:24 p.m.? Eh? "Well, any complaints can be sent to the European Commission and they can be sorted out there. In which case, I would just like to say that Placebo does not condone or endorse our record companies actions." Brian Molko everybody! Games that never Quite made The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien) #11 It's back and it's bad... literally! Game #11 is the Soup game. Developed for the 'Common Sense' zone, the idea is to follow some instructions on a tin of soup in order to cook it. Once the soup is cooked, the Crystal will be released. Why was it dropped? Well, when the game was piloted, the contestant (who is meant to be very intelligent) couldn't do it. And if he couldn't do it, what hope anyone else? Lyrically Waxings Rialto. They're nothing like Pulp. Look: evidence. Pulp have a song called 'Mis-shapes', a song about underdogs who will one day rise up against and take over society. Rialto have a song called 'The Underdogs', a song about Mis-Shapes who will one day rise up and take over society. Nah, Rialto are good really. One thing to point out though, the song 'Monday Morning 5:19' is about five minutes long, yet three times in the song he sings "It's Monday Morning 5:19...". I don't think it's your girlfriend you should be worrying about, I suggest you buy a new clock, it's obviously broken. Games that never Quite Made it to The Crystal MAze #12 The Toaster game. Developed for the 'Common Sense' zone, the idea of the game was to make a piece of toast. This involved putting some bread in the toaster and pushing the little lever down and then waiting until the toast pops up again, the action of which will magically (using magic) release the Crystal. Why was it dropped? Well, when the game was piloted, the contestant (who is meant to be very intelligent) couldn't do it. And if he couldn't do it, what hope anyone else? But now it's time to go to the land that makes all your dreams come true. Got a problem? Then come with me now, because I'm off to see the wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Ads Yeeeesssssss indeed. So, that Clover advert then. We know that the only reason people advertise is because they want you, yes YOU, the lovely television watching audience to buy their products but what is the subtext of the whole thing? What is the advert saying? Well, to me, the advert is saying 'If you buy Clover, you will be followed home by old past-it comedians who seem to have love affairs with birds (Bernie Clifton and Rod Hull).' See, the advert is actually a cue for perverts to follow little kids home. I think it's disgusting. Write to Mary Whitehouse! They're back! It's the Return of the Obligatory Vampire Jokes! What's a vampire's least favourite newspaper? The Sun! If a vampire committed a major, high-level crime, which newspaper would he not see himself in? The Mirror! How many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, how many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb? Erm (thinks to himself for a decent punchline)... It's time for It's Your MAil, it's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail. My God, it's some mail because otherwise I'd have to make up some jokes about a Fort Boyard '98 tape (the episodes of which are great incidentally, now sponsored by Brut - Pomme, the apple tasting soft drink/aftershave combination!), a piece of Pulp promo around the new Party Hard single (released yesterday if today is Tuesday), a bank statement and a wage slip and I really can't be bothered to make any about any of those right now. So Hoorah! for Alex Cunliffe who wrote in. Let's see if he's made any grammatical mistakes THIS time shall we (creates bent wrist 'ooh stop it' gesture)! Ir reads 'thus' (i.e. like this): "Dear Mr Gates, I apologize for not writing for so long but unfortunatly after my manic episode I was put in one of those rubber rooms Unfortunatly the door jammed, so I couldn't get out and I had to chew my way through the wall, so a quick up dated liked: Is it Irony? The Adam Day "You're Shit" award (more of that please), Games that didn't make it into the crystal maze Didn't like: Your Manga plot, sorry but "Paraplegic nurse fights the chainsmoking octopus called Keith"? What were you thinking?! thats not nearly bizarre enough. Still I hope you improve this soon Yours slightly to the leftely Alex Cunliffe". Good, I hope that makes as much sense to you as it did for me (Only joking)! Thanks to Alex, it's given me a super improvised idea! How to emulate... Eating through a rubber wall when the door is jammed. First, I understand that not everyone can have a manic episode, chances are you are all mentally stable. However, if you can't become mentally unstable, I suggest playing old Spectrum classic 'Manic Miner' or you could listen to 'Everything Must Go', 'The Holy Bible' or 'If You Tolerate This You Must Be Half Dead', all by the Manic Street Preachers. After having your manic episode, you could try checking yourself into a mental institution. Sadly, this might not be possible so there are two ways you can simulate eating a wall of rubber. First, you could buy lots of packets of Sugar Puffs or Frosties, both of which inevitably have a bouncy rubber ball as their 'free' gift. After having enough of these, eat them. Secondly, more expensive but possibly more exciting, travel to Ghana and actually eat a Rubber tree. Have fun! And because Alex likes it (and I know YOU do to, glint, smile) here's another helping of Games that never quite made it to The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien) #13 A triple-bill this week you lucky, lucky people! #13 - Walking thorugh a door (for the Common Sense zone). Outside the room, Richard O Brien says "How about a Smashing game of cards? It'll be a riot!". The contestant enters the room and plays a quick game of cards. Once played, a door opens up releasing the crystal. The idea was then to run back through the door or walk up at a reasonable pace without crashing into it and cutting your arm (that's an automatic lock-in and a trip to hospital, the length of time that would take defeats any chance of the player going to The Crystal Dome). Why was it dropped? Well, when the game was piloted, the contestant (who is meant to be very intelligent) couldn't do it. And if he couldn't do it, what hope anyone else? Lyrically Waxing Steps currently hold the record for being the song that has sold the most copies without actually reaching the Top 10 with "5,6,7,8". Their new record got to Number 2 in the charts it is called 'One for Sorrow'. Why is it called that? Because after buying one copy, you will be quite upset. Actually I've got a soft spot for Steps, sadly it's the bin. Villain of the weeeeek! Jack the Ripper. The Weekly Adam Day "You're Shit!" Award I think I better clarify things before we get going. The title doesn't say Adam Day is shit (the jury is still out on that one, tee hee! "Oof" - Sound of Nick punching himself for using the words 'tee hee'), moreover it is the "You're Shit" Award sponsored by Adam Day. OK? Good. This week the eponymously titled Adam Day "You're Shit!" Award goes to Adam Day for a number of reasons. Firstly, I was quite proud of myself of using all the tiles in my rack in a game of Scrabble TWICE in one game (Banners and Roulette) despite it never happening once to me before but I still lost to him. Half of me gives absolute kudos to him, the other half makes me want to shout the words "You're Shit!" to and indeed at him. There are probably many other reasons as well but I won't repeat myself. OK then, no more Adam bashing for the time being because I'll just feel guilty afterwards. Philosophical Question Are the Sisters of Mercy called so because they make you want to cry for 'Mercy' after whilst listenng to them? Altogether now.The European Commmision has decreed that from now on, the TV show 'Man O Man' be renamed 'Ten Males Who Obviously Have Big Heads Get All The Humiliation They Deserve From 400 Obviously Drunk Women on National Television." The prize is to changed from a motorbike to a ten-year-old Reliant Robin with the front wheel missing. Hey Kids! It's Time For The Satan Fan Club with Marylin Manson! Grrr! I AM EVIL! Hello. I'm Marylin Manson, the lead singer from the album Antichrist Svperstar. Incidentally, I'm the most evil man in the world, so you better watch out for me, you never know when I might creep up behind you and tap you on the shoulder then run away very quickly. I AM EVIL! Anyway, you know what you should be doing? You should be buying Jacob's Cream Crackers, because Jacob's Cream Crackers are the CHILDREN OF SATAN! THEY ARE EVIL I TELL YOU... BUT NOT AS EVIL AS ME! BECAUSE I AM THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD! OK then, it's time to take a reading form The Bad News Bible: Jacob's Cream Crackers 13:9 "And lo, Satan said 'let there be dark!' and suddenly, a power cut happened acroos the whole of the city. Then Satan boomed: "Do you know why? BECAUSE I AM EVIL!" Satan then said "I'm now going to do two more evil things, I'm going to cut the price of every Jacob's Cream Cracker throughout the land so more people will buy them so they can perform more of my dirty work, secondly, I'm going to create the most evil man in existence. His name wil be... Marylin." And so it went." That's it for this week kids, but until then remember, be evil! Ye Gods, it's almost the end of the page and I haven't asked the question Is It Irony? yet. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but Is It Irony? No I don't think. This is the end of the line. Well, what a 'fun' packed edition of MFI Tuesday this has been It was brought to you today in font size 6.5 and the Gameboy games 'Tetris', 'Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening' and 'Kirby's Pinball Land'. How many vampires does it take to change a lightbulb? Light?
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