This weeks mammoth edition has a very special guest, it's MFI Tuesday (Issue 8) and here is your host, Mr Nicolas Gates! Yeeeesssss indeed. Today on the show: A mail double bill! More Games That Never Quite Made The Crystal Maze! The Satan Fan Club! And More! But now, the interview. This is someone very special and we're going to call him LIVE on his mobile! Sadly, he lives a long way away but thanks to Friends and Family, the call will be 10% cheaper. Hurrah! OK let's try it.... BEEP BEEP BEEP RING RING... "Hello?" Hello, is this God? "Yes, this is God." Hi, this is Nick Gates from MFI Tuesday. Hey, it's God everybody! [Audience cheer and whoop]. So heaven, is that a long way away then? "Hmm, it is a bit. That depends on where you're calling. If you're calling from Cambridge, which you are and I can tell this BECAUSE I AM OMNISCIENT then it is quite a way away. It's actually that Kebab shop on the M11. That is actually Heaven and it's always been there. YES IT HAS. Please keep this quick because I've got some things to do tonight, start a few hurricanes you get the idea." So then, God, are you really, really old? "Yes, I'm much older than YOU." Before we go on, I'd like to say something. We normally get big guests on the show from the world of Music and Popular Culture, with had 5ive, The Actual Real Thom Yorke from being out of Radiohead and quite recently Brian Molko from Placebo. Now then, more people buy these records then go to church yet Songs of Praise gets an hour show each week on BBC1 yet Top of the Pops only gets half an hour. Why don't you try releasing a record and put in a live appearence at a Radio One roadshow sing such great hymns such as 'All Things Bright and Beautiful' and 'Amazing Grace'? Can you picture the advertising: The Radio One Roadshow reaches Brighton today with Zoe Ball and God. "No. Get on and do something else." Do you mind if I call you back later? "Sigh." God everybody - A lesson in when an idea isn't quite as good as I thought it was going to be when I thought it up in the bath a couple of days back. Lyrical Waxings It transpires that 5ive have got a new single out, 'Everybody Get Up'. After listening to half of it, I became such a fan that started following the insturctions, I got up and left the room. Games That Never Quite MAde it to The Crystal Maze #14 Or at least I think it's number 14. This week, 'The Defrosting Game'. Created for The Kitchen Zone, the idea of the game is to correctly defrost two bread rolls in a 950W microwave before the big Lasange gets completely cooked. To make it harder, if it turns out that the bread was overcooked and then too tough, the contestants are automatically locked in. Why was it dropped? Because it has actually been proven that the game is impossible. You just can't win it! Observation I don't know what I want to do with my life just yet, heck, this might be my way out if I put my mind to it, so I decided to go in for a careers interview but first you have to fill in a form. What does it ask you in a vague roundabout sort of way? 'What do you want to do with your life?' Well, I don't know, I was kind of hoping you'd be able to tell me! It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's My Mail, It's My Mail. OK, let's start with a disclaimer... Any letters handed in for publication won't be read until time of writing (which happens to Thursday today) and are printed as I read them so I don't actually know what's coming next. They might be edited but I probably won't because I'm often then invited to mock you and get a cheap laugh. A ha-ha-ha! OK, a choice of two letters this week (Wooooh!). Let's pick the first one by completely random scientific process, the fact that I appear to have pulled out two pieces of paper from the bag, one of which is a letter, the other of which is a list of useless addresses for writing off for information about The Simpsons. Now, if I wanted to be REALLY hilarious, I'd be printing those addresses but because I really don't care (and have therefore won by default) I'm actually going to print the letter. Or is it? According to the message on the front... "This a letter not a can opener do not attempt to use it to open cans." That was lucky because I was just about to open a tin of beans with it but luckily I saw the blurb on the front and stopped me from embarassing myself in a hilarious You've Been Framed style 'You tried using a piece of paper to open a can!' faux pas moment. Moving swiftly on, the letter reads thus: "Dear Mr Nick, Well done on anouther brilliant episode of MFI tuesday now the obligitory comments are over, my points. Firstly your idea for simulating chewing your way through a rubber wall by eating the free gifts in packets of sugar puffs was good but personally I reckoned eating the cereal for a more authentic taste. Secondly I have to say that Marylin Manson is not as evil as jacob cream crackers! (sounds of sharp inhilation) You see, I ate some cream crackers on a train recently and conclusively proved that their crumbly, tasteless, impossible to eat with spraying the area ways are far more evil than corrupting the young generations of Americans to drugs and suicide (actually quite a good thing) so sorry the crackers win. Also some people from the institute keep following me with nets so don't tell him where I am o.k.? Yours on-the-running-ly Alex Cunliffe." Cheers Alex, and what a shame 'inhilation' isn't actually a word because I could have made an excellent joke out of that and yes, I DID look it up in the off chance AND I don't apologize. Oh well (Inhalation I think you meant). I do have to say that I found your 'don't bother eating the free gift, eat the cereal' wittisism amusing but I'm not sure why. Given that there is meant to be a lot of vitiamins and iron in Sugar Puffs (and sugar), maybe it was irony? (Suddenly, the whole Earth shouts a resounding GROAN. Causing the Earth to spin off it's Axis and causing a major Ice Age.) People from the institution: I don't know where Alex is (actually under my bed), OK? OK. Our second letter this week (or at least I think it's a letter) has the following legend: "Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it's actually a piece of paper" I think it's very handy that that was written on it because there could have been another You've Been Framed faux pas moment. Maybe my Mum opened my bag, maybe by accident or maybe not, and saw the letter and asked me what it is, not knowing I could've said 'well it's obviously an aeroplane' but I think I would have got found out. Phew, eh? "Dear Mr Nick. I've never written to before so I'm a bit scared. Please mock Adam in every issue 'cos he smells and never stops molesting gerbils. 'Tee hee' is a fine phrase and I feel you should use the word 'Jivey' 'cos it's great. Terry Knox with some sox in a box." Aah, don't be scared or shy of writing in, even though I may mock I do like recieving letters. This said however, I'm scared of writing a letter to MFI Tuesday but then I write the damn thing. However, you did use the word 'jivey' in your sentence and therefore, European Rules state that people that people who use the word 'jivey' don't deserve to get their wishes and therefore I won't mock Adam. Oh all right then, because it's you. (E' Gads! It's Your Mail has taken up over 700 words this week!) Obligatory Vampire Jokes What's scarier than Adam Day in his usual mood? Adam Day in a good mood. Sure it was great but I'm just not used to it! What do you call a vampire who likes blood in jugs? Count Jugula! Geddit? I don't. Lyrical Waxings Des'ree with 'Life'. Sure, everyone's mocked it before but now we're going to do it again. Here are the Actual Lyrics before the record company found out and made her change them: "I like making a bap whilst I'm writing useless crap, maybe walk the dog, Oh look! I've found a Pog. Go home and watch some Panorama then go and eat a big banana then I go and get in the bath read a comic have a laugh. Life, oh life, oh, oh life, (get a) life." Scary All Saint? "I drive on the right because I don't live in Britain!" "I drive on the bus because I am surreal!" Thank you. Interview with God OK let's try again. BEEP BEEP BEEP RING RING BEEP BEEP BEEP "The number you have dialled doesn't exist. Please try again." Blast, he must have changed his number. But who can we rope in at such short notice? BIll (my assistant), get on the phone to people's agents will you? But now it's time for the return of cult, camp, comedy quiz show... Is it Irony? Oh yeeeeessss. I think I'm going to develop a catchphrase for this part eventually. OK today's question. Chris Tarrant last week attempted to give away one million pounds on British television. However, in 1994 he was inviting people to do the opposite and 'Lose a Million'. It's cult, it's camp, it's compulsive... but is it irony? Classic Question time: An iron. It's cult, it's camp it's compulsive... but Is it irony? More ironic fun next week! Very, very, bad joke What do you get if you cross an elephant with a duck? Well, why would you want to do that exactly? Eh? OI! PEOPLE FROM ALEX'S MENTAL INSTIUTION, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE HERE WHO ARE OBVIOUSLY MAD PROFESSOR TYPES AND WANT TO COMBINE AN ELEPHANT WITH A DUCK! Ahem. Ooh, we're 1615 words into this weeks issue which cn only mean one thing... Games that never Quite Made The Crystal MAze (with Richard O Brien) #15 Wow, #15 already! This is the 'Nesquik' game. For this, the contestant has to attempt to make a cup (or glass, it's up to the contestant) of unfortunately spelt milkshake 'stuff'. The catch is this... When the 'shake has been drunk it must not leave any spare particles at the bottom. If this happens, the contestant is automatically locked in. The Game was dropped on the grounds that it has been scientifically proven that no matter how little you put in OR how much you stir it, there will always be a couple of particles left festering down the bottom. Why is this? Maybe there's some special particle manipulator in Milk which hates humans? Eh? Lyrical Waxings 'Crush' by Jennifer Paige. No, it's too easy. It's time to laugh at your home videos: It's You've Been Framed with your host Lisa Riley "Eee, 'ello, I'm Lisa Riley from being out of Emmerdale. Have you seen the show before? You have? Well, you're about to see exactly the same thing all over again then! On today's show, we talk to the bloke who tried opening a can of beans with a piece of paper in an embarassing You've Been Framed style faux pas moment. Eee, I bet you didn't think I could do a bit a French, did you? Well I can! I'm in Emmerdale you know. Also there will inevitably be some animals in it who might jump up and down in the hilarious stylee and there might be some babies pulling some funny faces as they always do! We also talk to the bloke who said a piece of paper was an areoplane! If you're lucky, there might even be some people throwing themselves off of a thirty storey building, for £250 and all caught on camera for the hilarious moments on You've Been Framed! I probably could have been in Coronation Street you know. Forgotten Spice (I bet you don't remember these ones!) Winnie The Pooh Spice. A woman who dressed in a Winnie the Pooh costume when singing. We don't know why, maybe it was a sexual thing. Coriander Spice, because it sounded stupid and it's very difficult for grains of spice to get up and dance, what with them being inanimate objects and everything. Interview well, I think it's time for another interview but who should we pick to call up? Who seems to have a lot of time on their hands these days? I know, Noel Gallagher (theme to The Riverboat Georgina advert plays in the background) So, hello Noel. "Hi Nick, I'm Mad for it you know!" So then, you're married to Meg Matthews aren't you. "Aye I am, when I don't where she is she's really mystic, Mystic Meg you see. I'm Mad for it!" Yes, you are. Now then it seems like the lyrics to your songs are sort of made up as you go along, is this true? "Aye, it is. I went to the Noel Gallagher school of songwriting where I manage to get really dodgy rhymes that make no sense. Do you know why? Because I'm mad for it!" Could you make up a song now about, say, Getting caught with your trousers down? (Eugh, thanks sis) "'Eugh, thanks sis', is that like 'Oasis'! I'm Mad for It!" OK then, that song... 'Oh, once I had to go out/ so I think we should scream and shout/ near a big red brick wall/ my favourite Auf Wiedersehn Pet character was played by Timothy Spall/ out in the middle of the town/ there's no where to go so eat a nightgown/ but sometimes you've just gotta take the piss/ Ooh Ollie you've just got me in another fine mess/ blister!/ Sister!/ Getting Caught with yer trousers down/ Oh I would kiss yer/ Mister/ Cos I've Just been caught with my trousers down/ Oh we're just not as good as we were a couple of years ago/ back in times when it did snow/ and now all we probably do is cocaine/ and watch Around the World in Eighty Days with Micheal Palin/ If we had a son he would probably be called Brett/ Did you know that Tetris backwards is Sirtet?... Hmm, we don't seem to cut it anymore do we? I think there is only one thing for it: go into dance territory! D'ya Know What I Mean? I'm Mad For it!" Go Away. Quickly. Song of the Weeeek! Has to be (shock!) Pulp with 'We Are the Boyz', superb B-Side to the superb 'Party Hard' (cries of 'Yeah, that's what it is Nick' from several people resound out and they're right. that IS what it is!). Look at these lines for further enlightenment..."We are the Lads, we sleep with slags just to get their fags we've got no choice... 'Coz We Are the Boyz." Superb Glam-Rock stuff and it can be found on forthcoming film 'Velvet Goldmine'. I wanna see! But tell me this... why did 'Party Hard get to only 29 in this week's chart? The British public have a bad taste in music, obviously. It deserves so much better, by about 28 places in fact. Life's Always Better in 'The Sun' here's some stuff I've read in Britain's most popular paper! Apparently, a hospital ward has banned the song 'All I Need Is The Air That I Breathe' in case some patients got upset. Well, I found it amusing. Is 'Take My Breath Away' fine though? Villain of the Weeeekkk! I've decided is KP crisps, the reason being that you don't have Smokey Bacon flavour crisps, you get Smokey Bacon 'flava' crisps for which they deserve to die. Horribly. The weekily Adam Day "You're Shit" award this week goes to anyone who has ever or will ever use that hilarious joke 'I could be a Spice Girl... Old Spice!' just because it's shit. Who Want to be a Millionairre? I've actually really enjoyed the programme but I think I'll make some jokes for now. According to The Sun, Sun readers had a SPECIAL chance to enter by phoning exactly the same phone line that has been advertised just about everywhere else. Hmm. But now it's time for a new gmeshow where Tony Blair, William Hague and Paddy Ashdown attempt to answer fifteen general knowledge questions in order to become Prime Minister. Hosted by the ever jovial Chris Tarrant, it's Who Want's to be the Premier? Starting Sunday at Eight. Fantasy 'Who Want's to be a Millionairre?' Question Which of these is NOT a wire in a household plug? Is it: A - A wire, B - A Wire? C - A Wire? or D - A random Catalan gerbil called Keith? Do you want to phone a friend? It's time for Idiotic Idioms! So then, what IS actually meant when someone says 'She's a fit bird?' Are they refering to a penguin playing table tennis? Maybe an ostrich that can fly. Who knows? I mean, I know exactly what they are refering to, but how do you that she is fit? Maybe she's a couch potato with a high metabolism? Party Soft OK, not really comedy but I'm mentioning it here anyway, I've noticed Rialto are playing at The Junction on the 1st of October. The album happens to be superb and I won't allow people to say 'Untouchable' is a bad song - you are so wrong! Anyway, tickets are only £6 in advance (which is cheaper than Armando Iannuchi, fact fans, but I doubt Louis Eliot will liken me to Gaby Roslin). Their music resembles the sixties a bit and I know that I've said I don't particularly like the sixties stylee BUT THEY'RE GOOD! Anyone interested? Anyway, a track listing: 1- 'Monday Morning 5:19', a superb song. Ooh, you shouldn't have let him touch you there! 2- 'Dream Another Dream' which sadly rhymes the words 'sarcastic' and 'fantastic'. Louis Eliot went to the Noel Gallagher school of songwriting. 3- 'Broken Barbie Doll' Excellent song which mentions the word 'Silicone', excellent for perverts! 4- 'Summer's Over' their next single. Mentions the words 'Kamikaze Seagull' so must be good. 5- 'Untouchable', the song of the album. Essentially a song about drink making everything OK. Chumbawumba did a similar thing with Tubthumping. It was shit. 6- 'Hard Candy', a song about sticks of rock that you try to bite into but actually break your teeth! Not really. 7- 'Quarantine', a plea to the British Authorities to stop that law whereby dogs can't be set free unless they've been in Quarantine for six months. Run, little dogs, run! Or it could be a love song. We just don't know. 8- 'Lucky Number', a complaint about how he never got picked on Shane Richie's 'Lucky Numbers', 9- 'Love like Semtex', too many irish jokes (so I won't do them, they wouldn't have been particularly funny anyway), 10- 'When We're Together', I don't want to know. 11- ' The Underdogs' I can't be bothered to mock two issues running and finally, the unfortunately titled 'Milk of Amnesia', yes, it's another drinking song. Good. Live from unbanal city, Absurdsville it's time for a random outburst of surreality! Yes. Fenceposts - They're posts but they're not fences. Or are they simply the place where fences mail their letters? Can fences post letters? Look into my eyes... Hey kids... It's The Satan Fan Club with Marylin Manson (sponsered by Jacobs Cream Crackers - Not made of cream or people called Jacob. Hey, we're crackers!!) Hi! I'm the new Glam-rock Marylin Manson AND I'M STILL THE MOST EVIL MAN IN THE WORLD (ALTHOUGH I'VE CALMED DOWN A BIT)! Yeah, you better watch out for me, you never know when I might be serving you in a shop behind the counter only I'm meant to give £1.78 change but I only give you £1.77. Do you know why? BECAUSE I'M EVIL! SATAN IS GOD! Oh hang on, that's not quite right is it? GOD IS SATAN! Erm... SATAN IS SATAN! YES! I'M EVIL! I AMMM! Anyway, remember kids, join the Satan Fan Club before next Monday and get a free 'I AM A CHILD OF SATAN' pin badge and code cracker! Anyway, I think it's time for a reading from The Bad News Bible. This week: The parable of the Prodigal Son: ' One day there was a farmer who had two sons, one evil and one good. The evil one took some money and sold his soul to Satan. do you knw why? BECAUSE HE IS EVIL!" Good. It's time to learn a lesson in life now. Do you know why you are made to go to woodwork lessons in high school? Because God says so. And God is bad. Nobody likes woodwork do they? Well worship Satan you may not have to. Why? BECAUSE HE'S EVIL! CREAM CRACKERS! Fantasy 'When will my Brother Put up his Christmas Decarations' League 1998 Well, it's now September and the competition is starting to hot up a bit since it started way back in June, we've still got no entries but he central heating's on. My brother DID get his Christmas lights out a couple of weeks ago to coincide with QVCs 'Christmas in July' day to listen to the music (they're musical, see) but he assures me that it will happen between '15th and 29th of November.' Good. Oh baby, here come's The Fear again, oh whoa, the end is here again oh, whoa, if you ever get that chimp off your back, if you ever find that thing that you lack but you know you're only havin' a laugh oh, here we go agai-i-i-i-n 'til the end, until the end. Well, that looks like the end of a mammoth edition of MFI Tuesday. By that I mean big, not actually written on (or by) a mammoth. In fact, it's already 3749 words long and it's not finished yet! This week MFI Tuesday was brought to you in font size 5 and the books 'The Language of Jokes' by Delia Chiaro and 'Pulp' by Martin Aston. Any similarity real or fictional to real people is entirely coinincidental. Sod it, no it isn't. On next week's thing: we've got that shouty bloke from the Euro currency adverts! And, a special investigation into why educational videos and television programmes are so cheesy. I did think of a really good way to sign off this week's edition but sadly I've forgetten it. Oh well. Generique, generique, generique! Oh, that's the titles.
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