I've seen you havin' it, havin' it oh, but now you've just had it... What is it I am meant to have had? Why, it's MFI Tuesday (Issue 9) with your host, Mr Nicolas Gateeeess. Well, it's here if you want it. Indeed. So what's on today's show? Games that never quite made The Crystal Maze, another hilarious edition of You've Been Framed (with Lisa Riley from Emmerdale Farm), a special appearence form that shouty bloke from the Euro ads and the return of cult, camp, comedy gameshow, Is It Irony? But here to advertise a new series of their programme on Challenge TV, from Endurance UK, it's an interview with Hoki and Koki! (Riverboat Georgina music plays in the background). Hello Hoki and Koki! "Harro Mr Gates! Good Evening Gleat Blitain, today we conquer MFI Tuesday!" Quite. Well, you can call me by my first name if you want, but I do feel that you beating Paul Ross up after he slapped you was brilliant quality television, Hoki. "So did I, my God it fert good!" I feel he is on television far too much these days. Anyway, back to the main point of the interview, you're here to advertise the new series of Endurance UK, starting on Challenge TV on Monday 5th October at ten. "Wow! You ale werr infolmed, alen't you Mr. Gates? You seem to know more about the show than we do!" Quite. So then, what can the discerning viewer expect from this new series, hmmm? "We've got rots and rots of new games tis season but Mr Loss says we've got to keep them seclet. We can tark about some though, like the game that invorves fishing farse teeth out of a bucket of vomit using your head. Sclummy! Or wlapping the contestants in cring firm, onry to dlag them over a coulse of grass and horry!" Dragging contestants over grass? That doesn't seem to bad, does it? "Not grass you fool, GRASS!" Yes but cows do it all the time, they eat the stuff for crying out loud. Or do you mean the drug Grass? I don't think dragging people over powder, especially when wrapped up in cling film will prove the height of torture or light entertainment for that matter. And what's Horry? Are you just going to do it quickly? "No, not grass and horry, I don't think you understand, you know, smashy smashy bang bang smash grass and plickely plant horry!" OK, I think I get your meaning. That's pretty bad. I'm sure the Japanese version was better (or worse, depending on what side of the screen you are on) though. "Ah, so. But you Blitish are all limps!" Is that innuendo? "No, no, no, not velly hald. You would plobabry die!" Well thank you Hoki and Koki. With your comedy glasses and teeth, you are almost certainly Japanese and not, for example, two actors who were desperate for work who are both probably called Keith. Thank you very much! It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail, It's Your Mail. Well a letter double bill this week, just like last week in fact. The irony is non-existant. It's also a glowing tribute to Royal Mail that despite the fact that the letters don't have 'Nick Gates - The Canteen or His House' written on them, they still arrive to me. Spooky eh? And I don't make them up. The first one says on the front: 'This is paper not stainless steel do not clean with brillo pads'. Lucky it said that really because it just saved me from a You've Been Framed style faux pas moment because I was about to clean it with some Brillo pads. Me and these You've Been Framed faux pas moments eh? Where would I be if you lovely, lovely people didn't keep sending me these invaluble tips? £250 better off, actually. The letter goes like this: "Dear Mr Nick, I'm still a bit scared so don't make any sudden movements or loud noises. I think that your last issue was weeelly good and stuff obligatory vampire jokes must remain forever! Also your interview with God was hilariously mediocre. Well bye I s'pose and interview everyone's favourite star Timmy Mallett soon. Terry Knox with some cheese and big fleas" OK then, I son't make any sudden movements or loud noises but given this is an inanimate object which I ultimately don't decide the fate of, only you can do this for yourself, it's not the ironic piece of paper which is actually Zebedee from the Magic Roundabout. It's hard but please do try. I think the Oblgatory Vampire Jokes may well become a regular feature and may well last forever, just like vampires in fact! As for God, well I thought I was onto an exclusive when I found his mobile number (look under God in the Yellow Pages) but it turned out that he wasn't actually that amusing, AND the bill was quite expensive even after Friends and family but then you can't win them all. The second letter is entitled 'Today morale message is: You can lead a horse to water (you really can you know)". Well, I know MY morale has certainly been boosted now I've heard that! I think you meant 'moral'. Sorry to mock... but it's easy. It has the letters of the alphabet in it, rearranged to form these words: "Dear Mr Nick, HOW DARE YOU! YOU TOLD THEM! THEIR AT MY DOOR NOW YOU BASTARD! YOU TOLD THEM WHERE I WAS HIDING AND NOW THEY'VE FOUND ME I WILL KILL YOU! ILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU GATES!!! Alex Cunliffe. PS great last issue by the way." So, I won't be getting in YOUR way ever again! I think I better have a complete name and identity change. That's right, I'm now 'Our Graham' the voiceover man from Blind Date and Shooting Stars. Shh, you don't know this. Of course, now you're back in the institution, where you belong, you might find it a bit difficult to come out and find me. Oh well, back to eating rubber again. Thanks for the compliment incidentally, I actually take them quite badly but cheers anyway, maybe I'll get someone to get you out of there. Actually, I'm not going to. Sit and suffer. Obligatory Vampire Jokes or 'joke' for this issue. What is a Jane Austin loving Dracula favourite word? Countenance. On that bombshell, it's time for a new competition, Fantasy 'Obligatory Vampire Joke' League people send in your obligatory vampire jokes and the one I deem best will win kudos and maybe, just maybe, a prize of small monetary value. Or maybe not. Mark your answers 'This joke mocks Adam so I should win' and hand them in to the usual address. Random Outburst of Surreality what is so surreal about fish? Can somebody please explain? Surreal fish joke: One day a fish went into a pub but the barman said "I'm sorry, we don't serve fish" which makes sense when you think about it because firstly, fish can't actually talk unless it was a weird hybrid of a trout and popular talking donkey Mr Ed, in which case something a little odd is going on and the RSPCA should be on the case. Secondly, how would it get there? Does the pub have some sort of water inlet just for serving fish or what? Lyrical Waxings: Jane Austin covers 'Babies' by Pulp Well, this was a certain situation that happened many, many years ago when you were living in a house which was situated in the middle of Stanhope road. We had the acquiesence to listen to your sister precisely after we had had our full quota of education for that particular day. Countenance. Your sister was born two years earlier than you and she was in the habit of letting young males into her room. We listened outside and heard you. Alright. Or at least performing that action was jolly fine for a while, but before long I found that I wanted more than that. I very much wished to use my eyes to see what was going on as well as hear using my ears and so I had the countenance to put myself in the advantageous position of being inside your wardrobe and at about four o' clock you entered the room with a young man called David who had the acquiesence to work in the garage which was situated up the road from your house. From the wardrobe I listened to you and I had the advantageous luck to hear you... "Oh, I would most like to take you home, I would most like to cohabit with you in order to create a child, I feel you have the acquiesence to be my girlfriend, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes." Well, it was the very next day after the day before I really couldn't tell. You said that you wouldn't tell my mother, so went with a handsome young chap called Neve, and because of your countenance, Neve was very much hoping you would have the acquiesence to sleep with him and I very much thought I had heard you were laughing when his mother and father left the house. Alright. "Oh, I would most like to take you home..." Well, I have the acquiesence to understand that it wasn't going to last too long. I went round your house one day but all your belongings had disappeared! Getting bored, I fell asleep inside and I didn't hear her entering the room. Imagine my surprise when she opened up the wardrobe and then persuaded me to perform acts of a sexual nature. We were doing something on the bed when you decided to come home, I had the acquiesence to hear you wait outside the door, I know there is a very low chance of you believing me but I did sexual acts with her because she has a similar countanance to you. "Oh I would most like to take you home..." Villain of the Week Top of the Pops for editing out T-Spoons song 'Sex on the Beach' The Weekly Adam Day 'You're shit' award goes to T-Spoon for releasing a song called 'Sex on the Beach' and for being called T-Spoon. Everybody, it's the bloke from the Euro adverts! Hello, it's me the shouty bloke from the Euro adverts! I LIKE TO SHOUT! Party Soft I recently had a letter from Grundy TV productions over the British version of Fort Boyard, despite the fact I sent the letter off three months ago, I now get a letter back saying that we "missed the boat to Fort Boyard" this year (actual quote- oh dear!) but they might be interested for the next series if one goes ahead (which is highly likely, apparently). So, I'm going to try and apply for us again in March next year. It'll mean a holiday to France for six of us, however it may also be a really scary (heights, water and insects abound!), but enjoyable, experience. I'm told that the British one uses the more physical games so it is imperative that we are fit. I doubt this is going to happen so I'm thinking of marketing us as the ironic Fort Boyard team - we're completely unfit, we'll probably do shit but we might be entertaining! The series starts Friday October 16th on C5. Gasp! It's a brand new Manga Storyline! Ridiculously, this week's offering from Manga video is about a penguin who can fly who joins the Penelope Keith fan club to save the world whilst being as ironic as possible. Who is he trying to save the world from? Why Penelope Keith of course! Altogether now... 'I AM THE IRONIC PENGUIN!' Don't ask me why, I couldn't follow the plot either. Well, it is Japanese! Buy 'The Ironic Penguin Fights The Evil Penelope Keith' from Manga video, £2.99 It's The Satan Fan Club with Marylin Manson (sponsored by Jacobs Cream Crackers) I AM NOT AS EVIL AS I USED TO BE! Yes, I don't worship Satan any more, instead of being the most evil man in the world I'm now just a bit nasty. If I found a fiver in the street, I wouldn't hand it in to the Police, because I'm nasty! Instead, the most evil man in the world is now Roy Walker from Catchphrase. Ooh, he's evil, but I don't care any more, I worship skin-tight suits now. Special Investigation: Why are educational videos so cheesy? We've all seen educational videos and television programmes and we all come away with the same question: Why are they so cheesy? You know the thing, synthesizer led theme tune (NOTE: the one and ONLY time where synthesizers are a bad thing), dodgy acting and dodgy presenting. Dodgy and cringeworthy, really. I had the (mis)fortune of watching 'Pass the test' presented by Top Gear's and uncle of Supergrass' Danny, Chris Goffey. It was so cheesy! We talked to ex-British Board of Film Classification cheif James Ferman, he said: "That's because a piece of Stilton directs every single one of them." We tried contacting this piece of Stilton but it was unavailable for comment. It's Your Mail, it's your mail, it's your mail, it's your mail. Bloody hell! I feel this writing is about to get smaller... "Dear Mr Nick @ MFI Tuesday, Hello! After meaning to for several weeks I have finally summed up the courage (and what a task it was) to write in. For a start I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on having started it off but get off your ass & put it on the Web because you will get a cult following which would be great and make up for various other things. So, whenever you fail in life, you can thing 'Oh well, I have a cult following so nur...' Anyway, I would like to answer every competition so far; the answers to all of them are..... 17! 17! 17!. Enough of that. More mocking Adam, because he's sitting next to me mocking me at the moment & deserves someone to pay attention to him, because we all know that's the on;y reason for everything he does - he wants attention. Games that never made The Crystal Maze (or Krystal Mayse, which was in fact the name of a girl at my school, depressingly) how about being able to buy a sandwich from the canteey' but I'm afraid I don't have the space so I can't. May I take you up on some points? 'Make up for various other things?' like what? What are you trying to say here? I'm really depressed now. Do you know what's really surreal? Doing some maths homework on a Sunday night then suddenly thinking about life and getting depressed. But if I put this on the web I won't be, phew! Oh good, my pizza is ready in a minute and a half. Anyway, I did like your Krystal Mayse anecdote and idea for Games that never quite made the Crystal Maze but this is cancelled out by using the phrase 'love you lots and jelly tots', oh well. Adam, you're a git. This gives me an idea for a new feature on MFI Tuesday, if you have any amusing stories about funny sounding people, send them in! I'm going to call this this is NOTHING like anything you've ever seen on Live and Kicking, oh no.. Wonderful, my pizza is ready. Hilarity time! It's time to look at more of your home videos... It's You've Been Framed (with Lisa Riley)! Eee! I'm back! I'm Lisa Riley who used to be in Emmerdale and in fact still am! Ooh, I'm so forgetful! Anyway, on today's show, a hilarious You've Been Framed faux pas moment with a bloke who tried to clean a piece of paper with a brillo pad. How stupid! Eee, I can still do French, I haven't lost it have I? Also - the bloke who tried pulling onto a dual carriageway with a big truck right beside him overtaking! Some cats might do something cute! A stupid dog! The inevitable granny's-knickers-fall-down-whilst-doing-something-stupid-probably skipping-it-always-is type social embarrassment! Also, a bit of an exclusive this, the President of the United States of America with a woman who isn't his wife... he might lose the Presidency, but he has won 250 quid on the hilarity of family light entertainment that is You've Been Framed! Eee! Games That Never Quite Made The Crystal Maze (with Richard O Brien) #16 Not Mocking Any Letter That Has Been Sent Into Ceefax. Developed for Future world, the idea is to sit through an afternoon of Ceefax letters without pointing out how rubbish some of them are. Dropped because it proved impossible. Oh Jesus Christ now hey, I feel this night will never end, and I'll never see the day oh I was nothing when you came I'm no-one now you've gone away, all that I do is just OK, all of my nites and all of my days why if you came home right now I'd run away, RUN AWAY!!! That ends another edition of MFI Tuesday, today brought to you in a font size of 5.5 and the marshmallow colours pink and white. No time for Is it Irony this week (sorry). Incidentally, if Bill Clinton needs a job at the end of the week, I've heard Stagecoach need a few drivers... I've been 'Our Graham', the voiceover man from Blind Date and Shooting Stars, you've been the reader. Ladies and Gentlemen, I AM NOT Steve Waters. Me and Moon and stars all falling down.
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