Em, the beginnings of a dictionary
aardvark. This little bird went extinct a long time ago, but people
refuse to take him out of the dictionary. They did take him out once,
long after he went extinct, but there was a huge protest against the
whole thing and websters ended up reprinting that edition with an
apology because people couldn’t stand the thought of him not being the
first thing in the dictionary
Blue cheese. it’s not actually blue. Some maniacal genius in the
marketing department of the holy corporation of cheese thought it might
be fun to make people lie constantly. This was back in the days when
lying was illegal. Of course, only members of the inbred royal families
could risk eating the stuff. It was very chic among the bourgeoisie to
have secret blue cheese parties in which they’d whisper to each other,
"what’s that cheese?" " why it’s, blue cheese." Then they’d giggle
nervously, their eyes glancing about the room, hoping no one had caught
the forbidden exchange.
Cod-pieces: when the inbred royal family began ruling, it was widely
accepted that they were given power by god, and that they were somehow
superior to normal folk. However, a few hundred years ago, certain
peasants came to the conclusion that Royalty wasn’t what it claimed to
be. These peasants were, of course, beheaded, but it did not escape the
king’s notice that people were beginning to wonder. It had to be proven,
once again, that Royals were superior, and so the King fashioned himself
a cod piece. He paraded about the streets of London saying, "Look at my
cock! Lovely cock, isn’t it? Unusually large. You there, fellow, I don’t
suppose your cock is that large, is it? Not as large as mine! Don’t be
shy! have a look! It’s quite a cock!" Incidentally, The queen thought
this was a wonderful idea, and so she ran home and fashioned herself a
push up bra. Of course, her device has lasted into this century and his
has not, for it soon became apparent that while perky breasts are
attractive, unnaturally large cocks are, well, silly looking.
Delivery guys: There are a great number of people who are worried about
the mental state of postal workers. My fear of mailmen pales in
comparison to my fear of delivery guys. What kind of people order out?
People who are too busy doing other things order out. You know what I’m
talking about. Delivery guy drives up to a house, rings the bell and a
woman wearing a cellophane nightie answers the door.
delivery guy: "uh, here’s your pizza."
woman: "thanx"
Dleivery guy: "Uh, you know, I’ve got a pretty big back seat in the
delivery van."
woman: "that’s nice."
Delivery guy: "I, uh, don’t have many orders left, I mean, I could
come back in a few minutes."
Woman "just gimme the pizza."
YOu see? poor boys....one day they'll explode and kill us all.
First Gentleman: It could happen!….someday…….maybe….
Groovy: why has the word ‘cool’ persevered while the word groovy has
not? I will never understand this. One can say groovy with far more
sophistication than one can say cool. Why, you may ask, has the lesser
word continued to be used in this decade? Because the level of taste in
the human race is declining! We eat cheese wiz and other forms of
processed evilness! Millions of people actually eat hot dogs, and they
watch football while they’re doing it! Humans have no taste! Do you know
who was named sexiest man alive last year? George Cloony! And what did
Mr. Cloony say upon receiving this honor? "uh, cool."*
*May not have actually happened
Hoe: A gardening tool. Like we don’t already have enough words for slut.
Imbecile: Named after Nathaniel Imbecile, a German entrepreneur,
mechanic and linguist who invented the pocket protector, the word
‘torque,’ the word ‘lube,’ the red pistachio, beard wax, brightly
colored strings that old people use to keep their glasses on their
faces, and those little wooden birds that dip forward to drink the red
liquid. Incidentally, the original invention dipped the pistachios into
the red dye, but it wasn’t very popular because people didn’t like the
idea of artificially colored food. Now people buy
already-dyed-pistachios and honestly believe that they grew that way.
