The proliferation of modern programming language
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of
which seem to have stolen countless features from one another)
sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're
currently using. This guide is offered as a public service to help
programmers who find themselves in such dilemmas.
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and
shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical
assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise
copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's
me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you
run out of toes, than you read in the next foot and repeat. If you
run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no
exception-handling ability.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish
anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT,
THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and
SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK
whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun
with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the
gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds
the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which
holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage
which holds ....
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big
systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring
out how to do it fewer characters.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you
fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of the gun into foot left of leg of
you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the
trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory
handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the
trigger, the gun jams.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm *.o rm:.o: No
such file or directory % ls %
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users
can too.
Revelation: You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as
soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic: You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so
much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog: You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The
program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to
explain.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page
document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years
later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Ada: After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to
concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot
yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that
your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly: You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover
you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot.
