0.) Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1.) Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-
being.
2.) Lager warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid
complimented on choice of blouse.
3.) Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks
are filled with random letters and numbers.
4.) Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially
visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to
instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen
packets of crisps one by one.
5.) Have brilliant discussion with bloke at bar. Devise fool-
proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out English tennis
problems. Agree people are same world over except for
the bloody Tasmanians.
6.) Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer-mat.
Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents
and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her
you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7.) Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with
boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on
five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room.
Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim
Panatela.
8.) Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room.
Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging
them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9.) Head-ache kicks in. Pint tastes off. Send it back. Pint
comes back tasting same. Say "thats much better".
Fight nausea by trying to play Pub Mastermind for ten
minutes before seeing out of order sign.
10.) Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting
abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's
wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get
up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to
notice oozing head wound.
11.) Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find
door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub
cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.
12.) Put in minicab by somebody. Give home address.
Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've
given address of Burnley Football Club. Generally
pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.