1.)Two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do.
2.)Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not after you.
3.)Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
4.)42.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5.)Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
6.)Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
7.)He who laughs last thinks slowest!
8.)We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
9.)Give me ambiguity... or give me something else.
10.)Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
11.)Black holes are where God divided by zero.
12.)Join the Army: travel to exotic places, meet interesting people, and kill them.
13.)When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
14.)Ok, so what's the speed of dark?
15.)Duct tape is like the Force: There's a Light side, a Dark side, and it binds the Universe together.
16.)I always try to understand the other fellow's point of view -- even though it's wrong.
17.)If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, what difference does it make if any one can hear it?
18.)How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
19.)Violence is never the answer. Unless you're really mad.
20.)Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
21.)Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
22.)All generalizations are false, including this one.
23.)Don't take life too seriously. You're not getting out alive, anyway.
24.)WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
25.)I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather; Not like the screaming idiots in his van.
26.)When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.
27.)Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
28.)Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
29.)I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
30.)Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
31.)I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
32.)Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
33.)Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
34.)I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
35.)Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
36.)Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
37.)When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
38.)If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
39.)Ever stop to think... and forget to start again?
40.)She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
41.)The beatings will continue until morale improves.
42.)Double your drive space - delete Windows!
43.)If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
44.)On the other hand, you have different fingers.
45.)Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
46.)Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
47.)If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
48.)There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
49.)Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off.
50.)I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
51.)He willed his body to science. Science is contesting the will.
52.)You have a ready wit. Let me know when it's ready.
53.)I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
54.)On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
55.)I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.