Table of Contents
1 Weeks' Eight Steps to Conflict Resolution
2 Conflict about curfews
3 Conflict over choice of friends
4 Communicating during conflict
5 Tips for parents to improve parent/teen relationships.
6 Best Parents: the top 10 characteristics.
7 Getting through "debonding"
1
The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution by Dudley
Weeks, Ph.D., Los Angeles: Jeremy P. Tarcher, Inc. 1992, as
summarized by the Conflict Resolution class at Quinebaug
Valley Community-Technical College, Danielson, CT.
Overview of the "Conflict Partnership Process"
summarized by Tyla Baff
Conflict Partnership is a process that empowers people to build
mutually beneficial relationships and to resolve conflict
effectively. Try following its eight steps:
1.Create an Effective Atmosphere
2.Clarify Perceptions
3.Focus on Individual and Shared Needs
4.Build Shared Positive Power
5.Look to the Future, then Learn from the Past
6.Generate Options
7.Develop "Doables"
8.Make Mutual Benefit Agreements
The "partnership process" is based on the following five
principles. Keep them in mind whenever you are involved in a
conflict:
1.Think "we," rather than "I versus you" - working
together helps solve conflicts.
2.Try to keep in mind the long term relationship.
3.Good conflict resolution will improve the relationship.
4.Good conflict resolution benefits both parties.
5.Conflict resolution and relationship building go hand in
hand.
The Eight Steps
Step 1 - Create an Effective Atmosphere
summarized by Lisa Courtemanche
Creating an effective atmosphere is a very important step in the
conflict resolution process. It is more likely for mutual
agreements be reached when atmosphere is given careful
consideration. When thinking about atmosphere, remember
these ideas:
Personal preparation -- doing all you can to ready
yourself in positive ways to approach issues honestly and
openly.
Timing -- choosing a time that is best for all parties
involved. A time in which no one is feeling pressed to
move on or pressured in other ways.
Location -- where you meet is as important as when you
meet. It is best to pick a place where all parties can feel
comfortable and at ease.
Opening statements -- try to start out on a good note.
Good openings are ones that let others know you are ready
and willing to approach conflict with a team-like attitude
that focuses on positive ends. They should also ensure the
trust and confidentiality of the parties involved.
Step 2 - Clarify Perceptions
summarized by Michele Schlehofer
Clarify individual perceptions involved in the conflict. You
can't solve a problem if you don't know what it is about.
1.Sort the parts of the conflict - ask what it is about.
2.Avoid ghost conflicts -- get to the heart of the matter and
avoid side issues.
3.Clarify what, if any, values are involved.
4.Recognize that the parties involved need each other to be
most effective.
Additionally, clarify your perceptions of the other party.
1.Avoid stereotyping.
2.Listen carefully.
3.Recognize the other's needs and values.
4.Empathize - ask why they feel the way they do.
5.Clear up misconceptions you may have of them.
Step 3 - Focus on Individual and Shared Needs
summarized by Tara Auger
Expand on shared needs. Realize that you need one another in
order to successfully resolve conflicts. Be concerned about
meeting others needs as well as your own. When you take the
time to look, you will recognize that individuals often share
needs in common.
Step 4 - Build Shared Positive Power
summarized by Ted Rupar
Power is made up of people's outlooks, ideas, convictions, and
actions. A positive view of power enables people to be most
effective. A negative outlook on power proves disempowering.
Instead of "power with," it encourages "power over." Positive
power promotes building together and strengthening
partnerships. When parties in conflict have this outlook, they
can encourage each other to use shared positive power. This
gives an ultimate advantage to all involved because each
person's positive energy is being drawn upon for a worthwhile
solution.
Step 5 - Look to the Future, then Learn from the Past
summarized by Denise Dagle
Don't dwell on negative past conflicts, or you won't be able to
deal positively in the present or the future. Try to understand
what happened in the past, and avoid repeating the same
mistakes over. Don't get stuck in a rut; learn from past conflicts
and be forgiving. Let others know "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad
at what you did."
Step 6 - Generate Options summarized by class
1.Beware of preconceived answers.
2.Look for common threads.
3.Make sure options are workable for all parties involved.
4.Set aside disagreements and focus on options that seem
most workable.
5.Avoid spin-off conflicts by bypassing options that won't
work for all involved.
In Generating Options:
1.Ask first for the conflict partner's options -- listen and
learn.
2.Try free-flowing options:
make new suggestions
write them down
wait to discuss them till they're all out on the table
group similar options together
narrow down the list
predict possible outcomes
look at all ideas, no matter how silly they may seem
Imagine
3.Identify Key Options; these are ones that will:
meet one or more of the shared needs
meet individual needs and are compatible with other's
needs
use mutual positive power
improve the relationship
be at least acceptable but preferably satisfying to all
involved
4.When looking at options, don't let past experiences cloud
present perceptions and decisions.
Step 7 - Develop "Doables" -- Stepping-Stones to Action
summarized by Rosita Gluck
Doables are specific actions that have a good chance at being
successful. Doables are:
the ideas that have the best chance at success
steps that never promote unfair advantages on any sides
found on shared input and information from all parties
trust builders - they add confidence in working together
actions that meet shared needs
Step 8 - Make Mutual Benefit Agreements
summarized by Deb Shuron
Mutual-Benefit Agreements should give you lasting solutions
to specific conflicts.
1.Instead of demands, focus on developing agreements and
find shared goals and needs.
2.Build on "Doable" things by working on the smaller
stepping-stone solutions.
3.Pay attention to the needs of the other person in addition
to your own interests.
4.Recognize the "givens" - basic things that cannot be
altered or compromised.
5.Clarify exactly what is expected of you in the agreement -
your individual responsibilities.
6.Keep the conflict partnership process going by using and
sharing these skills with others.
Special topics
Handling Anger
It's alright to feel anger, but we should not allow it to rule.
Instead, we should identify the source of our anger and then try
to move past it. When this is done, we can focus on the positive
steps of conflict resolution. In partnerships, the idea is not to
break down - it is to focus on building up.
Dealing With People Who Only Want Things Their Way
summarized by Sharon Caron
Effective conflict resolution is not deciding who gets their way.
Using conflict partnership skills can help you find a resolution
that is "getting our way," even with people who seem locked in
a pattern of "either your way or mine."
When the other party seems to be defining conflict resolution as
an "I-versus-you" struggle:
try extra hard to set a partnership atmosphere
state clearly that you see conflict resolution as a process in
which you need each other
focus on shared needs and shared power
generate specific options and doables that will improve the
relationship for both of you
If the other party is focusing on power or control and thinking
losing either will weaken them:
focus on developing an "our" power attitude
recall times that effective shared power has worked for the
relationship in the past
When the other party focuses on controlling the situation rather
than on the needs of the situation:
encourage them to talk about what they think the needs of
the situation really are
try to come up with doables based on those needs
Dealing with Conflicts that Involve an Injustice
summarized by Sharon Caron
An injustice involves a violation of values or principles that are important to you.
1.Make sure that you understand the differences between
behavior that is unjust and behavior you simply do not
like.
2.If you're confident that a conflict does indeed involve an
injustice, you need to tell the other party involved how see
what has occurred.
3.Focus on the behavior, not on the person. In injustice
situations, we often hear people saying, "You aren't fair!"
This kind of statement could result in a reply such as
"Well, if you think I'm an unfair person, then I guess we
have nothing to talk about." A better way to handle this
would be to start with a positive opening statement such
as, "I feel what you did was unfair, and I want to
understand why you did it. Were you aware I might feel
unjustly treated? Would you feel unjustly treated if
someone did that to you?" This is more likely to result in a
positive response and some feedback.
4.Clearly state when you think an injustice has been done.
Do it in a way that encourages positive behavior and
successful resolution.
You could:
Ask what alternate behavior could have been used.
Ask them to put themselves in your shoes to understand
how you were affected by their behavior.
Focus on the positive by reminding them of past examples
when their fair behavior resulted in good partnership
resolution.
2
A Mom and Son Talk about Curfews
by Sharon Caron
This is an example of a conflict partnership between a mother
and son dealing with the issue of curfews. I created it as part of
the Fall 1995 Conflict Resolution Class at Quinebaug Valley
Community-Technical College, Danielson, CT. My ideas come
from the book The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict
Resolution, by Dudley Weeks, Ph.D.
Son:"I'm 16 years old now, why do I still need a curfew?
Create an Effective Atmosphere
Mom: "Son, I know you're upset right now, so let's talk about
this while we're working on the coffee table tomorrow. That
way we'll be alone and there won't be any interruptions."
Son: "That's alright, my friends are picking me up any minute
to go to the mall."
Clarify Perceptions (next day)
Mom: "Son, I realize that you're upset about your curfew, but
I'm your mother and I worry about you and your safety when
your out late."
Son:"Mom, you worry too much. I'm 16 years old now and I
can make my own decisions."
Mom: "I know you're growing up and taking on new
responsibilities such as your job, but I still worry. That's what
moms are suppose to do. How about a phone call telling me
when you'll be late."
Focus on Individual and Shared Needs
Son: "I realize you care mom. I suppose I could call if I'm
late. You must understand that when you're working all these
hours I need my friends around to talk to about stuff."
Mom: "Working nights and going to school does take a lot of
my time, and I hope you understand that this is something I
have to do. This will give us a better life in the future."
Son: "I know mom."
Build Shared Positive Power
Mom: "Let's face this curfew issue together. We could come
up with a plan where we both can win."
Son: "I don't see how that can happen, but I'm willing to try
if you are."
Generating Options
Mom: "I'd say, you could come home by 8:00 p.m. on the
weekdays and midnight on the weekends."
Son: "You're not serious are you?"
Mom: "Come on son, we're just throwing out ideas no matter
how silly they may sound."
Son: "OK then, what if I stay out until midnight every night?"
Mom: "Let's not act too silly here."
Son: "I could stay home and hang out with my friends during
the week and stay out until 2:00 a.m. on weekends."
Mom: "You're friends are always welcome to spend time with
you here at home. What if Friday night you're home by 10:00
p.m., and on Saturday nights you're in by 1:30 a.m."
Son: "What if there's a good party on Friday night to go to?"
Mom: "Let's say that you can have the choice each weekend,
which night, either Friday or Saturday, where you could stay
out later."
Son: "That sounds reasonable to me."
Make Mutual Benefit Agreements
Mom: "So let's see if we have this right. Staying home and
hanging out with your friends during the week is OK, and
picking out one night on the weekends to stay out late is
reasonable for you?"
Son: "Yes, it sounds good. We'll try this arrangement and if I
am ever late for some reason, I promise to call you."
Mom: "I'm glad we talked this through son. We understand
each other and we've come up with an agreement that both of
us are satisfied with."
3
Using the Conflict Resolution Process
by Michele Schlehofer
Suppose your teenager has started associating with a crowd you
consider a bad influence and unacceptable. You have expressed
your feelings on this, but they seem to be falling upon deaf ears.
Recently, your teen has started to sneak out with these friends
without telling you. How can this be solved? I've based the
following example on the steps discussed in Dudley Weeks'
book, The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution.
Create an Atmosphere
Talk to your teen at a time good for you both and at a place you
are both comfortable in. Start off the conversation nicely with
something like, "I want to talk to you about the problems
we've been having; I love you and want to work them out."
Clarify Perceptions
Tell each other how you feel. Your teen may say, "You just
don't want me to have friends, and being accepted by them is
really important to me." You might clarify, "I just care about
your safety and want what's best for us both."
Focus on Individual and Shared Needs
Your teen might say that he needs to have these friends. You
can express your need to know where he is and if he is okay.
Both of you need to be happy and comfortable with the solution
to the problem.
Build Shared Positive Power
You and your teen need to find common ground to use as the
starting base for working together and solving the problem at
hand. Both of you should decide to help each other instead of
working against one another.
Look to the Future, then Learn from the Past
You and your teen should look at what you've done in the past
to solve conflicts. The teen might say, "You've tried to tell me
what to do, and that didn't work." You might say, "I've tried
to talk things through with you about other issues we've had,
and that worked out pretty good." Both of you should look
toward a better future resolution.
Generate Options
Brainstorm for options that exceed the obvious "my way or the
highway" solutions. The teen might suggest, "Meet them first,
and then you can decide if you like them." You might suggest,
"Tell me where you are and who you're with." You could
come up with instances where hanging out with these friends is
acceptable, like going to the mall, and when it's not, like at a
party with no parental supervision. Try to come up with as
many options as possible.
Develop "Doables" - Stepping-Stones to Action
Try to find actual ways to solve the problem. You could make
arrangements to meet the friends. Permitting your teen to hold a
sleep over or a pizza party are possibilities.
Make Mutual Benefit Agreements
Decide on solutions best for you and your teen. One doable
solution might be having all the new friends over for a pizza
party before deciding on your final opinion. Or, allow your
child to participate in activities with them as long as they tell
you where they are, what they're doing, and as long as what
they're doing isn't illegal.
4
Conflicts and Communication
by Tyla Baff
Nothing can match the treasure
of common memories,
of trials endured together,
of quarrels and reconciliations
and generous emotions.
-ANTOINE DE SAINT EXUPERY
When kids and parents have conflict partnerships, they can
work through problems together. This is an example of how a
parent might approach a daughter if the two needed to talk
about an important issue. I used the steps from Dudley Weeks'
book, The Eight Essential Steps to Conflict Resolution.
Create an effective atmosphere
Ask your child if you can talk, and name a mutual place. Try to
get an idea from her where a good place might be. It could be in
the car (when you are not stressed and in the middle of traffic)
or even the mall (if you are shopping with your child, she might
be more apt to talk to you). Maybe you can leave a note on her
favorite sports equipment or on the bathroom mirror. That's
what my Mom does for me when she thinks we need to talk.
Clarify perception
This is to let each other know what it is you both want and need
from the relationship. Don't be negative or judgmental
towards your child. They will only lash out at you, and you
want to make this a good experience for the both of you. Make
the conversation a we conversation - not an I vs. you. Most of
all, get involved in your child's life.
Focus on individual and shared needs
Ask questions, and get involved with your child. Let them know
that you are interested in what they are doing. Ask questions
about their school work, their day in school, or their friends.
Try to understand your child's point of view as well as getting
your child to understand yours.
Build shared positive power
Give and receive ideas from each other. Let each other know
what you want. Talk about both of your views, and tell each
other why you feel the way you do.
Look to the future, then learn from the past
Look at all the major things the two of you have gone through,
and let your child know that you will stand by them this time
too. Try to use the same ideas that have worked in the past to
help your present and future conflicts.
Generate options
You should both give options on your points of view, and do
not criticize. Just listen to each other's wants and needs on the
subject. If you criticize, you may lose your child's interest and
cooperation. You should keep an open mind.
Develop "doables" - stepping-stones to action
Know what cannot and will not be given up from each other.
What can each of you live without, and what can both of you
agree on. This is the part where you really have to listen to your
child's point of view.
Make mutual-benefit agreements
Build on your "doables," and come up with solutions that
satisfy you both. This may take more than one day, so give each
other breathing room when discussing outcomes. Reflect upon
what you discussed when you were generating options. Try to
come up with answers that will fully satisfy the both of you .
5
Tips for Parents
by Michele Schlehofer
The adolescent years are a time of rediscovery and personal
growth but also a time of confusion. The following suggestions
are designed to give teenagers some freedom and
understanding, ultimately resulting in improved parent-child
relationships. I put them together as a member of the Fall 1995
Conflict Resolution Class at Quinebaug Valley
Community-Technical College, Danielson, CT.
Simple Things Parents Can Do To Improve Their
Relationship With Their Teenager
1.Realize that adolescence is a period of emotional
growth, a time in which it is natural to question and
reject authority, and that this is a crucial
developmental stage.
2.Don't be judgmental when talking to kids. This will
only make them hesitant about coming to you when
they want to talk.
3.Allow your teen to have an outlet for stress, frustration,
and anger. Possible outlets are after school sports and
clubs, weekend excursions to the mall, taking long
walks, and so-on. Do not take their use of these outlets
as signs of avoidance.
4.Designate a personal space for your teen; a place they
can go and know they won't be bothered. This space
can be, for instance, a certain room of the house. When
they decide to use their "space," be sure to adhere to
the designated rules and leave them alone.
5.Tell your teen how you handled problems when you
were their age. Keep trying to remind them that you
were a teen once, too, and that you understand what
they're going through.
6.When problems arise between you and your teen,
designate a time and neutral place - like the kitchen or
the neighborhood park - to discuss it.
7.Clearly explain to your teen what you value in them
and what you expect of them. Keep your expectations
reasonable. Another good idea is to increase your
expectations of them along with their increase in age
and maturity.
8.Set aside a day every week or every other week as
family time, and do things together such as watching
movies, cooking, or playing games. Encourage your
teen to participate.
9.Try to forgive your teenager's past actions, and don't
constantly remind them of their mistakes.
10.When faced with an issue, try to give your teen as
many options as possible, not just one or two.
Encourage your teen to come up with their own ideas
for options.
11.Give your teen incentives and rewards for good
behavior and for doing things that exceed your
expectations. Incentives could be things such as a new
outfit, or permission to go to a party or dance.
6
THE BEST PARENTS
Top Ten List
From the CBS This Morning Program
by Deb Shuron
This top-ten list is a summary based on a segment of the
November 10, 1995 broadcast of the CBS This Morning
program. I put it together as participant in the Fall 1995
Conflict Resolution class at Quinebaug Valley
Community-Technical College, Danielson, CT. The opinions
used for the list came from kids and their parents. The
viewpoints of both were surprisingly the same!
* The 10 Most Important Things Parents Can
Give Kids *
Support - even when mistakes are made
A balance between safety and over sheltering
Good examples - be positive role models and try to teach
personal values
Honesty - in all things
Respect - be considerate of their age and stage in life
Treat them as individuals and spend shared time alone
with them
When disciplining always explain why
Do things together - make the time
Listen- about everything and anything
Trust - let them know that they can count on you -
anytime, anywhere
7
Parent/Teen Debonding
by Christine Ashwell
The following information is based on the book Living With
Teenagers, by Jean Rosenbaum, M.D. and Veryl Rosenbaum,
Psa, New York: Stein and Day, 1980. I have done this review as
part of the Fall 1995 Conflict Resolution class at Quinebaug
Valley Community-Technical College, Danielson, CT.
Understanding kids during the fast paced changes of the teen
years can be difficult. The book Living With Teenagers
discusses three major stages in parent/teen relationships:
bonding, debonding, and reunion. It is the debonding process
that can make the teen years so difficult for kids and their
parents. It can be a confusing time, and this is when our kids
need us most. Understanding what is taking place can help us to
be patient when faced with seemingly disrespectful behavior. I
hope this review will shed some understanding on the process.
First, I'd like to briefly explain the debonding process. There is
a distancing from parents as kids begin to assert their
independence. We, as parents, are no longer the center of our
children's worlds. Peers are now the important connections for
support in dealing with life's complexities. We no longer meet
all the needs our children have. A part of feeling valuable as an
adolescence is feeling connected to peers. These friendships are
important to our children, so we should be careful about being
critical or judgmental of them. Diplomacy is a must. The goal
is to cultivate trusting relationships in which our children can
communicate with us.
Signs of debonding can be seen in changes of dress, language,
and attitudes. Often, with changes in attitude, it seems like teens
are seeking to devalue parents. This may be out of an emotional
need to appear less childlike and to establish a new level of
relationship with parents. Parenting styles may need to change
in order to meet the needs of the debonding stage. Parents who
deny the natural debonding process create battlefield
atmospheres to be endured along with other problems typical at
this stage of development. The break in the cozy family bond
must occur in order for teens to develop and gain a sense of
their autonomy. Informed parents aware of the changes taking
place can be supportive instead of reacting critically to
seemingly disrespectful behavior.
To develop what Dudley Weeks calls shared positive power in
addressing conflicts with our kids, we need good listening
skills. If we can accept inevitable criticism with a sense of
humor, encourage discussion, and remain open to new ideas,
we will communicate a sense of trust and acceptance to our
teens. Problems such as teen depression, suicide attempts,
running away, and drug abuse often stem from a sense of being
a misunderstood youngster with no "feel good" options. We
have a duty to our teens that outweighs our desire to continue
to exert parental authority. If we develop a partnership approach
with our teens, they will share with us their daily struggles with
the myriad of dilemmas they face. This makes it possible for us
to offer help. As teens vent, they will test our patience. We
should avoid judgmental comments that can destroy the trust
that allowed the sharing of painful issues.
As we discipline ourselves to follow these pointers, we are
making an emotional investment that will form intimacy within
our families; I can think of no better legacy. Knowing all this
does not make the task easier. It requires a lot of diligence on
our part. But, understanding that debonding is a necessary stage
can give us patience as we move toward the later years of
reunion. Then, as our children raise theirs, they can remember
us with gratitude as understanding role models.
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