Consciousness

I haven't slept for days, I
can't sleep.
I can't sleep.
My eyes and life are so dry
and devoid of everything
I can't blink,
let alone cry.
I wish I would fall into sleep
maybe forever, because
I don't want to be here.
I wish I could lose consciousness
and not dream
or wake
I'm so god damned tired
and sick
sick and tired of everything
I don't want to live
but I don't want to die;
death scares me.
If I could only sleep
forever
maybe then
I would be at peace.

3/4

Cemetary

It's cold...  Just past noon,
but I see clouds...  Very soon
I'll have to leave.  A tear
rolls down my cheek and the
wind blows it to the
ground
I think...  Back when you
were still my...  Friend
and we knew that we were
meant to be...  I can't believe
I ever let you go...
Why?
The grass...  Is brown and all
the leaves...  Keep on falling
from the trees...  Red and gold
black and brown, how I hate it...
in
this town...
I think that I still love you
but I really can't be sure...
I wish you were still here
cause I just don't know how
I'll live without...
you...

I hope I see you again...
Someday...

What Have I Done?

How can I respect myself
for all the things I've done?
Can I ever justify
my shameful, sinful fun?
Will I ever comprehend
the reasons for my sin?
Will I ever see the light
and let the goodness win?
Will I always hate myself
for all the pain I've caused?
Can I ever recover
the innocence I've lost?
What's the point of putting up
with all this angry hate?
If I want to save my soul
is it already too late?
Is there anything that I can do
to make myself choose right?
Is there a point in living through
another sleepless night?
Can I ever pick up all
the broken shards of me?
Will I ever save my soul
or is this meant to be?

6/18



AGRECO

each new week
I feel less smart
this ball and chain
chokes me
your good
intentions
take my sensibility
to the back room
for a good time
selling out is nothing
compared to staying real
my morals, my
ethics,
my values, are
small enough to fit
inside a pocket
inside a pocket
this bittersweet
misery
deprives me of
my solace
my thoughts
have nowhere to go
but down

2/9

To TRM

You make me feel like a whore
I hate you
because I love you
but I can't do this anymore.

You make my day a living hell
I come home
you aren't home
off doing what you do so well.

You never tell me how your day went
don't you love me?
You don't love me-
that's the sin I won't repeat.

2/5

By the Time I am Thirty

I will have seen the world-
I will know what I am doing-
I will care-
You will know who I am-
My life will have meaning-
We will be together-
I will be perfect
because I am not now-
I only want to be loved.

Dear You

Dear You;

I hate you.  You bitch-
you whore- living off the
blood
siphoned from my veins
like a leech-
or something less noble.
You almost take
comfort in
my
loneliness and
insecurity.
You fucking whore
it's all your fault
I love you.

Eternally yours,

me.

The End of One Road

Bored with all the joys of life,
burdened by old sins
but what's the point of ending life
if something new begins?
I've got all I could dream for
but feet like somethings lost
I don't have now but did before
is this the good life's cost?
The river of forgotten love
is always hard to cross;
the stairway to ascend above
is where your dreams are lost.
I feel like I have sold my dreams
to stand on higher ground
but nothing now is as it seems,
and truth is hardly found.
I cry for help, but all I hear
is an angry, jeering moan;
there's nothing left for me now here,
I find myself alone.
Is this the price of my old sin,
so long in time forgot?
Is this the way I'm meant to end,
my hopes and dreams just shot?
But hopes and dreams are nothing
in this cold world of hate.
And happiness is something
remembered all too late.

5/15

Scarlet Bridge

Sure, you'll find your dreams-
but is it worth the toll?
On the far banks is fame and money,
but is it worth your soul?

You can cross the muddy waters
and you'll never be lonely again.
but the one you truly care for is
the one who'll feel your pain.

Look deep into your soul
and ask if it's worth the cost
to have all that you dream for
but have your soul be lost.

And finally, it's the end of time-
and now, too late to switch.
So, were you content with your lot,
or did you cross the bridge?

Addiction Hopper

This innocence is all I've known
and all I care about
and yet, it's left me all alone
and fed me with these doubts.
I need a new addiction,
now I lust for something more-
My life is a depiction
of the things I've seen before.

This alcohol is all I need
I dream of nothing more.
It's twisted all that I belive
but has become a bore-
I need something to kill my mind
and take me from this pain.
I need something to help me find
a way of life again.

Religion is my latest love
it has taught me to hate.
I'm searching all the sky above
before it comes too late.
Philosophy and chastity,
theology and sin-
it's all become too much for me,
I'm moving on again.

This love has left me stranded,
has torn my heart in two
has left my soul abandoned
now I must find something new.
Despite the love, and passion,
it just doesn't feel true-
I must admit, I've no compassion,
least of all, for you.

Through all my tribulations
never was I satisfied
despite all the elation,
there was something I didn't find-
I searched so hard for anything
to aid in my release
I never though to find something
that would put me at peace.

11/18

The Lesser Evil

Given a choice, between two wrongs,
a dilemma is soon met.
The mountain, steep, or the road too long?
It's easy to forget
all the morals one grew up with-
the beliefs one must believe.
One road must be forsaken, if
the truth you don't perceive.
Although it's easy just to lie
and suffer by your fears
it may be better to just die,
and alleviate your tears.

12/8

Close Your Eyes

hide the world
retreat into your solace
take comfort in your sorrow
take pleasure in mine
show the world
your face is almost flawless
forget about tomorrow
let your future shine

close your eyes
suppress all of your love
don't think about the morning
forget about the past
close your eyes
don't look down from above
lose yourself in mourning
find yourself at last

12/13

Coming to Terms

Come clean.
Where do you hide your truth?
When did you leave your youth?
I dreamed
I'd seen
the sorrow in your smile-
The hatred of your trials.

Wash your hands,
scrub away the passion-
forget you ever fashioned
these plans
demand
retribution from your god
or someone elses.

Hide away-
run from the persecution.
Forget the retribution
never came
today
if you die alone
be happy.

12/14

(untitled)

Led into the darkness
away from  all the dawn of day
falling, drowning, dying, gone,
in the darkness, all alone.

Tunnel with no sign of life,
walking, walking, all alone
keep the silence, keep no sound
never lost, but never found.

Point of light so far away,
running, stumble, hit the ground-
up again, the light no more,
lost, alone, on the nightly shore.

Judgement ahead, life behind,
what has come and gone before,
makes me dream and often wonder
why so much is torn asunder.

Memories from so long ago,
returning to this lonely wanderer-
Days so long and yet, so still,
the cup of life that someone spilled.

Atheist

Seaching for a reason
to end it all today
running from your anger
put the past away
hiding from the future
drowning in your sin
breaking up the chains
that you've been living in
murdering your demons
if only in your head
wishing you could only go
and kill yourself instead
seeing beauty in the things
you'd come to grow to hate
dreaming of the mercy that
you know will come too late
the only things you know to serve
are your own wantful needs
knowing you'd be better if
you just learned to believe

12/15

Strange Gods

worshipping the passions that
you never learned to hate
bowing to the powers that
you'd always known as fate
frightened by the illness
that you lived your life blind of
disgusted by theologists
and sickened by your love
forgotten by the sinners
that you'd always called your friends
reminded of your own each time
you burn yourself again
praying to the evil that
you think can make you whole
seeming so surprised when
you finally lose your soul
sickened by the pleasures that
you get out of your sin
murdering your conscious til
illusions finally end

1/4

Dam

Restricting me
controlling the
flow of
my emotion
holding back
the very
essence of
my soul
pooling all
my feelings
making problems
deeper than
they really
should be
confining my
hot passions
repressing all
my fears
an abomination
cancerous 
destructive
feeding off
my insecurity

11/28

A Haunting Premonition

Once, on a November morning
while the rain was downward pouring
and the future seemed no different
from the way it had always been-
lonely, there I sat now, dreaming,
drug-induced, the world seeming
just the way it had always been-
                                        Cold, and nothing more.

In my dreams, a lonely bird,
all black and glossy, quite absurd,
did flutter through the window
which I'd carelessly left open.
Lightly perched upon my finger,
not a moment did he linger,
but dropped a callous feather on the floor now as a token-
                                        Old, and nothing more.

Presently, my heart did shudder,
in a moment I did mutter,
"Certainly he, like the others,
plans to leave me all alone."
Angrily, I shook my arm,
not to cause him any harm,
but only wishing that my other friends had never gone.
                                       Alone, and nothing more.

Startled now, the bird did fly-
and, without a sad goodbye,
out the window disappearing,
in the distance, in the day.
In a moment, I awoke
not a word could I have spoke
but took the feather where it lay,
                                      To hold, and nothing more.

And, unto this very day,
very safely can I say,
never will he visit me
while in my dreams I sleep.
And the gilded ebony feather
do I keep with me forever
for the haunting premonition always now to keep;
                                      Untold, and nothing more.

I'm Not What I Want To Be

This was never what I wanted
I can't stand the way I live.
There's nothing here to pull me through
and no one who'll forgive.
I truly hate the way I am
but I still love my self
my world is being torn apart
and I have lost my health.
You say that you still love me
but I know this isn't true-
Why would you still love me when
I never cared for you?
This isn't how I pictured it,
not what I want to see.
I'm sure that you can't understand, but
I'm not what I want to be.

9/29

Make the Best of It

You're only young
til you grow old.
You're only warm
until you're cold.
You're always right
unless you're wrong.
You're only trying
to get along.
There's nothing wrong
till you're alone.
You feel like no one
hears your moan.
You lie awake
and wonder why
you only live
until you die.

6/12

Guilt

I saw Guilt clearly
he was thin and underfed-
he turned and seemed to fear me.
I saw him, dark from foot to head.
He was stuttering and cold.
He walked through the darkness.
I saw his face, tired and old.
He seemed weary and heartless.

5/19

The Long Road of Life

Swirling muddy water
flowing through the darkr of night-
the future's looking dim,
and something isn't right.
A leaf falls from the tree above,
a lonely, sordid willow-
and falls onto the ground below
that is my bed and pillow.
I can't believe this happened
and I try to wonder how
I ever got mixed in
with the sin around me now.
My mind is wandering,
now I've lost my concentration-
I try to keep my thoughts away
from knives and penetration.
My only feelings lonely
since I'm here now all alone,
and life feels like a journey
on a winding road too long.

The Trial of

He threw his blocks
when he was
a child.

His mom
said
"it's a phase."

He broke his toys.

He got in a fight
in the third
grade.

The other kid
started it.

His dad
said "that's my boy."

He went to jail
for
rape.

His parents said
"He was such a
sweet
child."

His parents
thought "where
did we
go wrong?"

He died, March 3rd.

Now where is he?

7/11

January

A new month
a new year
a new life.

Just like
last year.

The soul sheds
it's skin in
hopes that
a new one
will grow;

but it won't.

And nothing
has really
changed.

11/5

Isn't it a Shame?

Run, little child
away from all the pain
you've got nothing to lose
and even less to gain
flee from the mother
who only knew to beat you
hide from the father
that didn't even meet you
take refuge in the darkness
that always was your friend
wrap yourself in shadows
and save yourself again.

11/11

Two Dimensions

It's late and I can see
that you never cared for me.
alone with you beside
searching for what you don't hide.
like reflections in a mirror
what I know is drawing nearer
is an end to our own farce
a rending of our hearts
that never really touched
but that doesn't hurt so much
it's the flatness that we are
and knowing you're so far
pretending that you care
thinking that I don't know where
your mind is when you are here
and it's not that which I fear
it's the emptiness I see
every time you look at me-
it's the illusion that I miss
and only this.

11/12

Emotional Rollercoaster

I was fine, depressed and sad
hating everything I had
happy thinking of my death
loathing all that I had left
until you came around.

And now I'm high, I care too much
I only want to feel your touch
it's all your fault I'm happy now
I only seem to wonder how
and why you came around.

It's moving on, I dream of more
it's going deeper than before
it's not just love, but lust I feel
and everything would be ideal
if you would just go down.

It's over now, and I feel fine
depressed again, till the next time
discarded like a broken toy
forgotten like a worthless toy
until you come around.

11/15

Fluttering Delusions

Sometimes I feel
like I don't have a partner
sometimes I fear
this illusion will end
sometimes I say
life could never be harder
sometimes I pray
for delusions again.
Sometimes I go
to the place that I came from
sometimes I know
this is not what I need
sometimes I try
not to see what I've become
sometimes I cry
when that's what I believe.

11/10

Collective Pain

take me far away
from the sin that's all I know
please don't let me stay
on this island all alone
help me if you can
I don't want to die
lonely as I am
together we could cry

11/10

These Things

Forgive me for my actions past
release me from this fear at last
forget me when your curses cast
allow me to this cold repast.

11/12

Lost Cause

The sky is turning darker than I've ever seen it be,
mirroring the darkness that I feel inside of me.
I'm colder than I've ever been before, it must be true-
shades of gray have infiltrated everything I do.

My path leads down a mountain, a mountain made of greed-
the darkness takes my life and every other thing I need.
This narrow path has taken all the joy out of my life-
this narrow path is surely going to kill me with it's strife.

The old I become, the clearer things appear-
I spend my whole day running from the killer they call fear.
I understand the world, but it doesn't care for me...
My life is gone, it's wasted, now there's nothing here for me.

I hold the pistol in my hand and ask the question, "how
could things ever be worse than this hell that I'm in now?"
I put the cold steel to my head and then comes my release...
The tombstone reads "He shot himself...  God rest his soul in peace."

Despite the Gloom of Night

the ship set sail
from it's hometown
to find the things
they'd never found
in search of gold
and other things
the sailor's hearts
would sing
a quest for love
and other dreams
impossible
as they may seem
to search the world
to quench their thirst
would drive them on
at first
but soon these sailors
met dismay
and tremble to thing
of that day.
with heavy hearts
but hopeful minds
they travelled on
to find
relief from all
that could not be
they braved
the perilous sea
and on they forged
through sun and rain
in hopes that guilt
be slain
across the sea
they travelled far
guided by
a star
whose twinkling light
they'd always sight
despite the gloom
of night

11/2

(untitled)

I would live my life in pain
for the chance to see you smile
the sum of my affection
is you

and I know that you love me
you tell me in my dreams
I dream about rejection
don't you?

I would take away your pain
just help me contain it
there's so much pain
in you

the substance seems so empty
sometimes I can't refrain
I don't know myself
damn you

(untitled)

sitting around talking
about something
usually sex
wasting so much
time

and he came out
of nowhere
holding out a plastic
jar
not begging for anything
money in particular

I reached for my wallet
for his little brother
who had slidden away
into the empty darkness
of his own volition

and I wonder if
I shouldn't hate the all
just because
of the one
who fucks my past

3/8

Drinking Your Own Blood

crimson tide of life
ebbing and flowing through
your veins
this obsession with everything
siphons away yourself
into yourself
killing yourself so that you
may live on forever
in some perverse allegory
of your own virus
your skin rots away
peeling from the bones
like the peel of a rotten
plantain
your mind disentegrates
into the dust from whence
you came

all for life after death

slitting your own wrists
in order to find some meaning
in the pain you
wallow in
and  you do so damn well
that it kills you
but you will always live on
in hell
or someplace less friendly.

3/3

Accepted Perversion

All my love is hard to swallow
all your acts are hard to follow
these beliefs are choking me
marking my iniquity
something's wrong with my religion
murdered by it's own division
I can't help but ask myself
if my whole life was wrong

all of my life was disgusting diversion
my death was another accepted perversion
the system is so full of hypocrites
everyone is full of shit
sooner or later, illusion must end
but sometimes I wonder when they will begin
I feel like a rat on the back of a shelf
I really don't belong

2/11

(untitled)

today
was a day
unlike any other
recently
maybe
something snapped
I don't understand
why
I feel so empty
now
my eyes
are dry
now
the indescribably vague
pointless indecision
coalesced
and finally
burst
iridescent droplets
falling salty altars
to my pain

today
was the day
I cried

2/13

Is it Over

my mind is racing slowly
though it has nowhere to go
I'm wishing now, if only
you would finally let me know
I'm sick and tired of living here
my life is so much shit
I'm growing angrier each year
I never do forget
the town I live in sickens me
I dare to dream of death
my body is drained, my soul empty
in this world, nothing's left

11/2

Another

today is cold
it feels just like another day
I hate to think
the next will be the same

my mind is old
I can't believe that I'm still here
I hate to think
I'll always have this fear

my soul is sold
eternity's not far away
I hate to think
the morning didn't stay

11/1

Through my Head

sounds of laughter
tears of joy
are ringing in
my open ears
jolting and
revolting me

melodies of
sorrow and
symphonies of
anger fly through
my mind
depressing and
repressing me
caressing and
impressing me

whispers of the future and
a memory from
my sordid past
destroying me
enjoying all my pain

11/1

Beholding the Beholder

it's watching from the shadow
like a spider on the wall
hidden from the world
the beholder can see all

the curtain has been lifted
the tomb has been unsealed
in horror now it watches
as it's secret is revealed

the mystery is gone now
though it may hide, all can see
beholding the beholder
mirroring eternity

it shrivels up and dies
it was never meant to be
but in this rotting monster
is a little piece of me

10/31

The Rising Sun

Looking at the sunrise
in the gentle falling rain-
you're sitting here beside
and I hope I'm not insane.
I wonder why I love you so
and look at the horizon-
the day is being born again
as the sun is rising.
Everywhere I look I see
the soft and gentle hues
that make the mornings beautiful
purples, reds, and blues.
Your head lays on my shoulder
and I feel so content
and I wonder if you knew
what I really meant
when I told you that I love you-
I look into your eyes
and the happiness I feel
makes me realize
that I'd be happy sitting here
forever, with you, alone-
and days would pass, my happiness
would linger like the dawn
that we now sit here watching,
just you and me, together-
And I can't help but dream
that it stays like this forever.

(untitled)

I hold you and it feels so good-
I kiss you and you smile.
I want to stay right here with you
in love for just a while.
I look into your eyes
and kiss you one more time-
my heart skips a beat,
and I'm so glad that you're mine.
I keep my arms around you
and let the hours go by-
Because when I'm with you I feel
addicted to the high
that I get whenever I hold you
in my arms so very tight.
We watch the world go by
and day turns into night.
And finally, we're alone,
under the twinkling stars
and I feel you here right by me
but you seem so very far.
I ask if somethings wrong,
but I don't think you can hear-
you turn your head so slightly
and I see a lonely tear
rolling down your cheek
and I wipe it right away.
Please tell me what you're feeling
because anything you say
is better than the silence
that permeates the air.
Just tell me that you love me
and I'll show you that I care.

For Me

When the world beats you down
keep your head up, please.
Don't let them get you down,
keep your head up- For me.
When everything goes wrong,
and the hours seem so long
keep your head up, and do it for me.
All our friends are disappear
oh baby, don't you see?
The world is so cold,
please just keep it warm for me.
All our dreams have flown away
leaving further every day
if you find them, share one with me-
I'm so tired of life,
but I'd never let you see.
I'll stay alive for you
if you'll just stay alive for me.
I see the future closing in,
I'm drowning in a sea of sin,
I'll try to hold my breath if you'll
just stay alive for me.
I know that I'm dying-
I see that you're crying-
but you stay alive...  Please do that for me.

For Her

she lost her will to live
she never could forgive
I can't imagine why
I never saw her cry
I always thought it such a waste
I know I saw it in her face
I should have known the flame burned out
long ago, but not about
anything I understand
something I could reprimand
today I often wonder why
she had to go and die.

10/28

A Temptation

Everything's so clear
but the TV's black and whitee
try to face your fear
make it through another night
try to see the difference
from your wants and from your needs
but maybe, for an instance,
allow yourself some greed
close your eyes and take a stab
you've got nothing to lose
clueless, even though you've gathered
every single clue
don't blame yourself for everything
blame somebody else
don't try to understand a thing
you'll only hurt yourself
just cross this scarlet bridge
I'm sure you'll find it worth the cost
just over this next ridge,
I promise nothing will be lost
now close your eyes and count to ten
you'll really be surprised
I'm sure it's probably not a sin
(of any mammoth size)
you know that it will turn out well
just put your faith in me
surely you can't go to hell
for all eternity

8/22

Night

the moon is shining bright
in the middle of the night
people are sleeping
darkness ever creeping
stars in midnight sky
corruption running wild
a light caressing rain
falls from the cloudy sky
and catches in the web
spun from sinning and from lies
and never will I understand
this cruel and hateful life
never will I understand
the reasons for my strife
and now the rain is pouring down
and drowning all his dreams
and nothing is the way it looks
nothing how it seems
the beauteous surroundings
that seemed so good and pure
are washed away by the rain
now nothing is for sure
and the darkness cloaks
the million sins
that happen
only when
darkness holds the world
in it's cruel uncaring hand

Something In the Air

I can feel it coming
every moment closer running
this is something that I fear
something I don't wish to hear
this is causing me great pain
help me I can't face again
something that's been haunting  me
sometimes I can't help but be
scared of all that will not be
dared to things I should not see
something in the air tonight
something I can't dare to fight
coming closer slowly creeping
coming nearer as you're sleeping
stalking you as you lay
on your deathbed not to die
but thinking rather that you should
wishing only that you could
some things are better left unsaid
to fester always in your head
but I feel something in the air
though it wasn't always there
something in the air is crying
while something deep inside is dying

Happy Birthday

a new life
we celebrate
the passing of
another year
by making ourselves
older

instead of living
day by day
we live
year by year
making our lives
much shorter

we never stop
to contemplate
the vastness that
surrounds us
in doing so
we seem to lose
our right to choose
and make our lives
much colder

11/19

Infatuation

What is it that I dream about?
Why is it that I care?
Why can't I let these demons out?
What is this mask I wear?
Why must I always meet this doubt?
Why are you never there?
Why am I always left without
the burden that we share?

11/22