Got a good joke? Send it in! Please, no 100% racist or sexist jokes.
Beside all jokes I (sharkrider) get, I'll post the name of who sent them,
and the email if that person wants.
 
WARNING: THESE JOKES RATED PG13
December 10th, '98
 
    A burglar is in a dark room, stealing a family's stereo, when all of a sudden he hears an eery voice say "Jesus is watching you.".
    He looks around, feeling a little creeped out and guilty, and shines his flashlight about, but can't see anything, so he goes back to unplugging the stereo.
    "Jesus is watching you." he hears again. This time, when shining his flashlight around, he notices a parrot in it's cage in the corner. "Were you saying that?" the burglar inquires.
    "Yup" says the parrot.
    "What's your name?" asks the burglar.
    "I'm Moses." states the parrot.
    The burglar laughs, "What kind of stupid people would name their parrot Moses???"
    And the parrot replies simply, " Probably the same kind of people that would name their rotweiler Jesus."

…In a related incident, PlayStation owner Craig Nelson of Minnesota claims to have been viciously attacked by the console.
    "I pressed that there button that say 'Open' and the do-hickerey swung its jaws wide and wide," said Nelson. "Momma taught me not to stick my hand into an alligator's mouth and I'll be dog-gone if'n I'm a let that machine eat my fingers."
    When questioned if he had any plans to file a suit of some kind, Nelson admitted that he didn't own one and, quite honestly, has no use for fancy clothes.


    A man walks into a proctology office, and the doctor walks in and he has an anal thermometer behind his ear. So the guy asks why. Then the doctor looks at it and says, "OH NO, SOME ASSHOLE'S GOT MY PENCIL!!!

    An old couple decided to have another child by artificial insemination. The good doctor gave
a small bottle with a metal cap and asked the couple to return with a sperm sample.
    The next day the couple returned but the bottle was empty. "What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the old man said, "I tried my left hand, and then my right hand, it didn't work. My wife
tried her right hand, her left hand too. She even used her mouth ... we still couldn't open the
bottle!".

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of
the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and
haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
    The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in
the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
    People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in
a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC
airport, and landed safely.
    After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
    The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me
a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

TORONTO - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of
                     windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a
                     pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.

                     A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard
                     of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he
                     was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting
                     law students.

                     Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window
                     strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing
                     partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun
                     newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest"
                     members of the 200-man association.


    Q. How many Satanists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A. Light bulb? He prefers black candles.

    Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
     A: Two. One to do it and one not to.
     A: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four.
        One to change the bulb.
     A: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light within them.
     A: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
     A: A tree in a golden forest.

    Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

    Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
     A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
     A: One, but you have to replace the whole motherboard.
December 12, '98

    Submitted by EmperorCPM5
Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, and George Bush are on the Titanic while it's sinking.
George Bush says, "Save the women and children first!"
Bob Dole says, "Screw the women and children!"
Bill Clinton says, "Do we have time?"