Jokes, Jokes, Jokes

Adult Jokes
These are some of the better adult jokes I have found on the internet. Do you know some good ones that aren't here? Send them to me, and I'll put them up, and give you credit.

A young couple is traveling across the country in their covered wagon. They come across a small town and decide to stop for the night. Not long after their arrival, the husband meets the sheriff and strikes up a conversation with the law enforcer. The sheriff informs the man that it is against the law to speak of, or even use the word "sex". The husband discusses this situation with his wife and they decide they will refer to sex as "doing the laundry" when the urge strikes. Later that night, while lying in bed, the husband rolls over and says "honey, I think it is time to do the laundry", to which the wife replies "no, I'm tired". Thirty minutes later, the husband rolls over and makes a second attempt: "honey, I think we should really do the laundry now". The wife replies a firm, "no, the laundry will have to wait". Two hours pass and the wife finally rolls over and whispers, "honey, we can do the laundry now". The husband looks back at her and replies, "sorry dear, it was a small load... I did it by hand".

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up"

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink. "The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone 100 dollars who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, " I'm a lollipop salesman! "

So, these two virgins get married. As their first night together approaches, they wonder what they are supposed to do, them being virgins and all. So they decide to call the bride's mother. The mother tells them to get undressed. They do. Then she tells the bride that the groom should put the "hardest part of his body into where you go to the bathroom." An hour later, when the bride's mother calls back and asks how everything went, the bride says, "Well, I don't know, he has his head stuck in the toilet bowl, now what?"

One day there was this mother and her son.They were coming home from a trip. The little boy saw two cows screwing each other. He asked his mother what they were doing. She said they were 'making tuna.' Then he saw two horses screwing each other The boys asked, "What are they doing?" "They're making tuna," the mother said. Then he saw two dogs doing it. He asked what they were doing. She said they were making tuna. When they got home. The little boy's sister saw him run down the stairs and she asked him what he was doing and he said, "Mommy and Daddy are making tuna and Mommy has mayonnaise all over her mouth."

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate."

A medical student is doing is rotation on the psychiatric ward. He is getting a tour by the attending psychiatrist, seeing the grounds, etc. The two of them walk down a hall, with a number of locked doors on both sides. The attending doctor opens the first door on the left. The student looks in and sees a man, buck naked and shaved completely bald. The man is laying on a mattress, which, besides the toilet, is the only item in the white room. The man is furiously masturbating. The student, shocked, asks "My God, what is his problem?" The attending answers, "He has a very unique condition. He is locked in a delusion belief system: he thinks that if he does not ejaculate 17 times each day, his testicles will explode." They leave and continue walking down the hall. The attending doctor unlocks and opens another door. Inside the resident sees a man sitting on a canopied bed, decked out in a velvet robe. The room is as finely appointed as a five-star hotel. In one hand the patient holds a glass of scotch, in the other a fine Cuban cigar. There is also a beautiful, buxom, blonde nurse in the room, performing oral sex on the patient. The student, perplexed, asks "what is his problem?" The attending doctor replies "Oh, he has the same problem as that last guy, but he has a much better insurance plan."

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline:

"Preacher Shows Ass"

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said:

"Preacher's Ass Out In Front"

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline:

"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read:

"Nun Has Best Ass In Town"

The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated:

"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks!"

They buried the Bishop the next day.

An Irish guy walks into a bar. The bartender looks him up and down and says, "Hey, you got a steering wheel on your dick." The man replies, "Ay, it's driving me nuts

One day, a man was walking through the jungle when he fell into some quicksand. "Help! Help!," he cried. When he was up to his knees in quicksand a hunter came by. "Help me! Help me! I'll do anything!" said the man in the quicksand. "Will you suck my dick?" asked the hunter. "No way!" he said, and the hunter walked away. By the time the man was up to his waist another hunter came by. "Help me! Help me! I'll do anything!" "I'll help you if you suck my dick." said the hunter. "Forget it!" Then he was up to his neck. "Help! Help!" he screamed, and a third hunter came by. "Help me! Help me! I'll do anything! I'll even suck your dick!" "Fag!!" said the hunter as he shoved the man's head down with his boot.

There is an elderly couple, about 70 years old each to be exact, and they wanted to have a baby. The go to a fertility clinic to try to see if it would be possible. They talk to the doctor for a while, but the doctor is very against the whole idea. He refused to let them do the test. The couple was very desprate for a kid, so they ended up bribing the doctor. Reluctantly, the doctor let them take the test. He handed the husband a jar and said, "OK, put your specimen in here, and come back in a week." The couple walked out the door. One week later, the couple returned to the clinic. "May I see the jar, please?" asked the doctor. The couple both looked at each other and then the wife pulled the jar out of her purse. The doctor looked at it for a second and said, "Excuse me but... it's empty." The husband blushed and said, "Let me explain. First, I tried it with my right hand. Then I tried it with my left hand. Then my wife tried it with her teeth in, then she tried it with her teeth out. Unfortunatly, no matter what we did, we just couldn't get that stupid jar to open."

A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?" After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. "Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house." As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So what did you do?" "I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." "That makes sense", said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?" "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad dog!'"

A newly married couple retire to their hotel room on their wedding night. The man, who is much larger than the petite woman, decides to set the ground rules for the marriage. He takes off his pants and throws them over to his wife, saying "Put these on." The woman replies "but they are too big for me" "Put them on anyway " She puts them on, they fall down, and she says "I can't fit into these" He Replies "That's right, now just remember who wears the pants in this family" The woman then takes off her panties and throws them over to her husband, saying "Put these on." He looks at them and says "I can't get into these" She replies "Yes, that's right. And you won't be able to in the future unless you change your attitude"

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

An older man in his mid-fifties goes into a Pharmacy and is looking around rather curiously. The Pharmacist approaches the man and asks him if he needs assistance. The man leans over and whispers in the Pharmacist's ear "I need to buy some condoms but I'm not sure what size" The Pharmacist motions for the man to follow her back to the counter. At the counter the Pharmacist tells the man to unzip his pants. He does, and the Pharmacist reaches under the counter and tugs twice on his penis. A second later the Pharmacist gets on the loud speaker, "I need a box of large condoms to the Pharmacy" The man pays for his condoms and leaves. A little while later a man in his mid-twenties comes in and the same scene takes place. The man follows the Pharmacist to the counter, unzips, she tugs twice, "I need a box of medium condoms to the Pharmacy" The man pays a leaves. The next even a teen about 17 is looking around the Pharmacy rather curiously. He is approached by the Pharmacist and is having the same problem as the two previous gentleman. The boy follows the Pharmacist to the counter, he unzips, she tugs twice, "I need clean up in the Pharmacy please."

Question: What comes after 69?

Mouthwash!

Once there was a fly who looked down and saw a piece of pollen on the water and thought, "If I swing down I can get the pollen and have some dinner. Then a salmon saw the fly and thought, "once the fly goes for the pollen Ill be able to grab him and have some dinner. Then a bear saw the salmon and thought,"once he goes for the fly Ill be able to get him and have some dinner" Then the hunter saw the bear and thought, "once he goes for the salmon Ill have some dinner" Then the mouse saw the hunter and thought, "once he goes for the bear his sandwich will fall out of his pack. Then the cat saw the mouse and thought,"once the mouse goes for the sandwich Ill have some dinner" So the fly went down to get the pollen and everything else happened. The Moral of this story is: When the fly goes down there is a satisfied pussy.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and now you expect me to get hard!

This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, "It's not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass." The doctor then says "I'll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening." The man replies "okay." Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams "Oh My God!!" "What's wrong?" The man replies, "I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine!"

One day a mother and father decided that they would talk about sex in a code so their children wouldn't understand. So having sex was related in typing on a typewriter. That night the father asked his daughter to ask her mother if he could write a letter on her typewriter. The daughter went to ask and the mother said, "yes." A few weekes later he asked the same question and the mother replied "No." So a few days went by and the mother said, "you can Type your letter now." And the father replied" sorry but I already hand wrote it.

It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold the Snicker and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?" (What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden...my Starburst! Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped...........Baby Ruth!

It's really hard being a dick. You got a head, but you can't think, you've got an eye but you can't see, all you do is hang around all day with a couple of nuts. Your closest neighbor is a real asshole. And ever since AIDS, you gotta wear a rubber suit and throw up all over yourself!

These 3 guys were camping out, and didn't have any macthes to start a fire so they huddled together and fell asleep.The next morning the guy on the right said, "I had a dream that someone was jerking me off!" The guy on the left said, "I had a dream that someone was jerking me off too!" The guy in the middle said, "That's funny I had a dream that I was skiing."

Three guys were discussing how drunk they got the night before. The first one says "I was so drunk, I blew chunks all night!" The second one says, "I was so drunk I passed out in an alley!" The third one says "That's nothing, I got so drunk I brought home this dame I didn't even know and had sex with her. Then my wife walked in!" The first guy says, "Uh...I don't think you two understood how drunk I was... Chunks is my dog."

Once there were three brothers and all swallowed one BB each. About three hours later the first boy goes up to is mom and says, "mommy guess what!" "What dear?" "I was taking a pee and I pissed a BB out" "That is nice I will deal with it later." Then the second boy goes up to his mom and says, "Mommy guess what!" "What dear?" "I was taking a pee and I pissed a BB out" "That is nice dear I will deal with it later" Then the third boy goes up to his mom and says "mommy guess what!" "You were going pee and you pissed a BB?" "Nope I was jacking off and I shot the cat"

This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist asks why in the hell he wants that on his cock. The guy replies that he likes to play with his money, likes to watch his money grow and best of all, his wife can blow a 100 bucks without leaving the house.

One day a Scottsman is driving by a farm. He stops and asks the farmer: "Do you have anywhere to sleep?" "Yes" the farmer replies."You can sleep in the barn or with my 18 daughters." "I think I'll take the barn thanks" the Scottsman replies. Later in the day an Australian stops at the farm requsting for a place to sleep. The owner once again replies: "You can sleep in the barn or with my 18 daughters." "I think I'll sleep with your 18 daughters." He replied. In the morning the Australian goes to the Scottsman and asks him how his night was. "I'm a bit itchy, but I'll be okay." Then the Scottsman asks "How was your night?" The Australian replies "I feel like a golf ball, I've been in and out of 18 holes!"

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge guy standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small white guy and says, "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown." The small guy faints! The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy, "What's wrong?" The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?" The big guy looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small guy says "Thank God, I thought you said, "Turn around."

There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?" Then the boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?"

Slogans for National Condom Week:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your sprout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While you're undressing Venus, dress up that penis.
When you aim for her hole, cover your pole.
Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
The right selection! Protect your erection!
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake, muzzle your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
No glove, no love!
Cover your slug, if you're going to plug.

Corporate Condoms:

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
Energizer Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin' good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm good.

Dodie Fayed gets up to heaven and runs into the Mercedes chauffer. dodie calls out to him, "Hey you stupid fuckin dumbass dickhead..., I said that I wanted to Fuck Di in the Tunnel.....not FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!!!!!"

There was this lady siting in a park by a lake. She had no arms and no legs. A jogger comes by and see the lady crying and says "why are you crying", and the woman says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been hugged before." So the jogger feels sorry for her and hugs her. Another jogger comes by and sees the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been kissed before", the jogger feels sorry for her and kisses her. Another jogger comes by and see the lady crying and asks "why are you crying" and the lady says "cause I have no arms or legs and I have never been fucked before." So the jogger picks the lady up, throws her in the lake and says "you're fucked now........"

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover!"