The kindergartners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word." The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the grown up word." Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the Shit!"

The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming...

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavor than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious. Man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a babies. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby. She said that she loved him and size didn't matter. Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby. "Don't worry honey" he said. She took her night gown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby. As he took his pants off the new bride said "Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby" "It is," he said, "9 pounds, 21 inches long."

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to the complaints of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. This management does however, realize the importance if each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has complied the following cross reference code list. It is important that all employees understand and memorize these code phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information may continue.

One morning 2 priests head to the showers and it isn't until they are already in the shower they both realize they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap, he checks out the hallway, no one around so rather than get dressed he decides to make a run for it. He checks the hall before heading back to the showers, all clear, so he makes a break for it, just as he turns the corner to the showers he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go he stands perfectly still, holding the 2 bars of soap hoping the nuns will think he's a statue. The nuns approach, "oh my look at that, isn't that the most life like statue you've ever seen?" the first asks. She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled he drops the 1st bar of soap. "oh heaven's" she exclaims "I got a bar of soap" The 2nd nun amazed at how realistic the statue looks steps closer and again, a couple of yanks of the priest's weenie and he drops the other bar of soap ''my goodness. I got a bar of soap too". The nuns can't believe it. The 3rd nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priest's weenie, "my God this is amazing" she says, "I got liquid hand soap!"

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was of the flirtatious sort, so he thought he had to try to get her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said: "Well I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don' know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped... "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing" "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, Sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the voodoo dick"! "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed and said: "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied: "But you haven't seen what it can do yet." he pointed to a door and said: "Voodoo dick, the door!" The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it was not for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The businessman took it home to his wife, told her it was a very special dildo and to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy". He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to turn it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo on the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she had been drinking. Gasping twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The police officer looked at her for a second and then said: "Yeah right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A couple has a male friend visiting from out-of-state, when an unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeping him from traveling. Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning. "Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three of us, and we're all friends here." The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: Husband in the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right. After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her. Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant. "We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me." "Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair out of his ass. He won't even wake up." So the friend does so, and sure enough, she's right. Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass. So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed. After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed, asking him to do it again. The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's ass, and again they have sex. This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth time, when the wife goes back to her side. Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend, "It's bad enough that you're screwing my wife, but could you at least stop using my ass for a scoreboard?"

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and fucked her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Pathmark anymore either."

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes. On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two----Test----Tickles."

Santa came down the chimney one night and saw a pretty lady in a teddy. She said, "please stay Santa." Santa said,"Ho HO HO gotta go, gotta go," then turned around and started filling the stockings. When he turned around again, she had removed her top. She said,"Please stay Santa." Santa said, "HO HO HO gotta go gotta go." Then he turned around and started putting presents under the tree. Then he turned around again. The woman had removed her panties. She said, "Please stay Santa." Santa said, "HO HO HO, gotta stay gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my pecker this way!

A woman arrived at the checkstand with four boxes of tampax in her cart. The checker, who knows almost everyone in town, noticed the boxes and asked the woman, "Did you know these are NOT the ones that are on sale?" The woman replied that no, she didn't, so she would prefer to switch to the ones that were on sale. The checker said she knew that the supply on the shelves was empty, so she volunteered to call back to the stock room and have some brought up. She picked up the intercom and asked, "Could I please have four boxes of the sale tampax delivered to checkstand 3?" Needless to say, all shoppers stopped to listen and grin. Then, the shoppers really lost it. The stock boy had misunderstood her, thinking she said "thumb tacks", picked up the intercom and broadcast this reply, "Do you want the ones that you have to hammer in, or the ones you push in with your thumb?"

Three girls are sitting around and totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.The first girl's like 'I want mine to be 7-up cause 7 days a week he's up.' The others are like pretty clever too. The second girl's like, 'I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when we were in the mountains, we were doing it.' So the other are like, "good name." The third girl is thinking and thinking and finally she says, 'I want mine to be Jack Daniels.' The first girl is like, 'you can't name him that, we're naming it after soda pop and that's a hard liquor' The third girl is like 'uh-huh. Exactly'

Seven wise men with knowlegde so fine, created a pussy to design. First was a butcher smart with wit, by using a knife he gave it a slit. Second was a carpender strong and bold, by using a hammer and chisel he gave it a hole. Third was a talior tall and thin, by using a piece of red velvet he linded it within. Fourth was a hunter short and stout, by us a piece of fox fur he linded it without. Fifth was a was a fisherman nastey as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell. Sixth was a preacher whose name was McGee, touched it and blessed it and said it could pee. Last came a sailor dirty little runt, he sucked it and fucked it and called it cunt.

It was the night of prom, and Sally didn't have a date. Her brother felt sorry and decided to help. He offered to take her.She was relunctant, but finally gave in. At the dance, they just sat there. Her brother offered to dance. Again she said no, but after some persuasion, she gave in. After the dance her brother took her to Makeout Mountain. Again she was quite relunctant, but after a while they started to make out. It got hot and heavy, and they ended up having sex. Afterwards, she turned to her brother and said "Man, you're better than dad!" To which her brother replied, "Yeah, that's what mom says, too!"

One day a little girl was walking along the beach and saw a naked man. Looking down, she asked the man, "What's that?" "It's my bird", the man replied. "Well, can I play with it?" "Only if you go and ask your mom first" Hearing this, the little girl runs home to her mother and asks her "Mommy, can I play with a man's bird?" The mother, thinking it was a normal bird, replied, "O.K. honey" When the girl got back to the beach, the man was sleeping, but since she got both his and her mom's permission. When the man woke up he found himself lying in a hospital bed with the girl standing beside him. Confused, he asked her, "What happened?" The girl promptly replied, "Well, when I was playing with your bird he spit on me, so I bit off his head, cracked his eggs and burnt his nest".

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers.

" Hi is Tony home?" " No he went to the store." " Well, you mind if I wait?" " No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what the hell - a hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Things you'll never hear a woman say:

Could our relationship be more physical?
I'm tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please don't throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
I'm wrong, you must be right again.
I think belching is really sexy.
Sure, I'd love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
Why don't you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
I could never be with any other man, but I don't mind at all if you see other women.
I insist that you always put your mother before me
I love a good cigar after sex
I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
Move over, I'm driving. I love city traffic.
The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Let's do it on the workbench.
That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
It's so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
Let's skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
That shirt doesn't smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
I understand.
You don't swear enough.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Let's stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. It's cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
Don't fix the toilet, I'll just keep going in the bushes outside.
Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
I think I'll call him up and ask him out.
Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesn't make that girl a slut! She's just really friendly.
I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
Don't dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
Oh yeah,... *any* hole you want!!!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

DIRTY SOUNDING THANKSGIVING SAYINGS THAT AREN'T

Whew, that's one terrific spread!
I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
Talk about a huge breast!
If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
Are you going to come again next time?
It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
Don't play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
How many are coming?
That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest.
How long do I beat it before it's ready?

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked and appearing to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, "OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was Vernon Jordan. "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Jordan said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine.

But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Vernon enter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked inside this refrigerator..."

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow.

A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!!"

Three ecologists are exploring the deep jungles of the Amazon searching for new plant life when they are they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are taken back to the village to be tried by the chief. The chief stares at the white men and is about to give the usual 'let's boil them alive' orders, when he gets an idea.

"I shall let each of you go," he says, "if you can go out into the jungle and within one hour, come back with 10 identical pieces of fruit." The men are overjoyed when they hear this so off they run into the jungle to gather fruit.

Half an hour later one of them comes back with 10 peaches and proudly brings them to the chief. The chief looks at the fruit and tells him that he will let him go if he can shove all 10 pieces of fruit up his rear end without changing his facial expression.

He notices all the serious faces of the tribesmen so he starts to shove one up there, but with the peach halfway in he lets out an agonizing shriek of pain. The chief promptly gives the order to kill him.

10 minutes later the second guy comes back and sees his friend lying dead in the dirt. The tribesmen grab him and tell him to open his hands for the chief. In his hands he holds 10 identical berries. When the chief gives the same orders he is visibly relieved and quickly begins to shove the fruit up his rear end. 1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9..... and suddenly the guy busts out laughing! Not amused, the chief once again gives the order to kill the guy.

Now the two dead guys are up in heaven discussing what had just happened. "You only had one more berry to shove and you were home free! Why did you start laughing?"

"I couldn't help it. I lost it when I saw Fred coming down the path with 10 pineapples!"

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest friggin' baby I've EVER seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."

"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered.

"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked. "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

What's the difference between a hobo and a homo?

A hobo doesn't have any friends at all, whereas a homo has friends up the ass.

the mathematics of sex:
Sex is like math...
Add the bed,
Subtract the clothes,
Divide the legs, and
Multiply!

They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. They both wanted to get skewed. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. They had many simultaneous solutions. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, it was improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. It seemed as though she was from another dimension. Things just weren't adding up. They diverged. That was a real plus because he needed to get her out of his domain.

She's currently reaching the limit in a relationship that is somewhat undefined. He is currently unable to afford dating because he did a cosine on a loan for his son, Ray.

thanks to BlachJakk for this one: WHAT IF YOUR DOG'S NAME WAS PENIS... Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Mypenis? - Mypenis ate my homework. - Oh, no! Mypenis is frothing at the mouth! - Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis. - I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash. - Mypenis doesn't come when I call it. - Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. - I love giving Mypenis a bath. - At night, I sleep with Mypenis in my hands. - Mypenis likes it when people pet him. - Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds. - Playing with Mypenis really wears me out. - Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis? - Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active. - I think Mypenis has a mind of its own. - I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet. - Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction. - I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead. - Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door. - If Mypenis was a weinerdog, he would be long and hairy and hard to carry. - Mypenis loves to chase pussies in dark alleys. - Help! I can't find Mypenis! - Sorry to be driving so slow, officer, but I was looking for Mypenis. - Mypenis gets excited whenever the mailman comes. - Sorry to be driving so fast, officer - I have to take Mypenis to the hospital. - Oh. no! Something bit Mypenis! - Watch it or you'll step on Mypenis. - When Mypenis behaves well, he gets a bone. - Stop kicking Mypenis. - When riding in the car, Mypenis enjoys sticking his head out to be blown. - Mypenis is truly man's best friend. - Beware of Mypenis. He's carrying a disease. - People say Mypenis looks cute lying down, but even better when standing at attention. - Mypenis: the crotch-sniffer. - There's nothing like a well-trained bitch for Mypenis. - I've trained Mypenis to jump through hoops. - Mypenis always searches for an open hand under the dinner table. - Excuse me - I need a muzzle for Mypenis. - Sorry I'm late, but Mypenis kept me up howling all night

Things Men Shouldn't Say After Sex:

1) "I was kidding about being sterile, you know."
2) "Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?"
3) "How come it's so BIG in there?"
4) "You've done this with a lotta guys before---right?"
5) "Next time I come over, don't bother with the underwear,... OK?"
6) (Sniff, sniff) "Is that CAT food?"
7) (Yelling) "OK guys, it's a wrap, cut, and print it!!"
8) "You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!"
9) "My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better."
10) "Do you know what a 'douche' is?"
11) "Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow."
12) "I want you to try some of MY deodorant."
13) "I'm not into relationships. Can't we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?"
14) "Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!"
15) "I never saw a girl with hairy tits before!"
16) "I've been getting these little blisters lately...."
17) "You wanna do those dishes before you leave?"
18) "You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!"

Did you hear that Lorena Bobbit died in a car crash yesterday?

Some dick cut her off!

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.
Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.
Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.
Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually.
Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner..
Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.
Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.
Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

To: All Male U.S. Citizens
From: I.R.S. Service Center
Re: Notice of increase in tax payments

The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1999 your penis will be taxed according to size.

------- The categories are as follows: -------
10 - 12 inches Luxury Tax $30.00
8 - 10 Pole Tax 25.00
5 - 8 Privilege Tax 15.00
4 - 5 Nuisance Tax 3.00

Males exceeding 12" must file a capital gains return.

NOTE: Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
I.R.S

Twas the night before Christmas,
Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves
and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats,
ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to
scrap the whole works.

I've busted my ass for
damn near a year and
instead of "Thanks Santa",
what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause
I work late at night ...
The elves want more money,
the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and
goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and
Vixen has aids.

And just when I thought
that things would get better,
the assholes from the IRS
sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes-
if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent
Santa Claus money? And the kids these days,
they are all the pits.
They want the impossible,
those mean little shits.

I spent the whole year
making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms,
legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's
no request for them,
they want computers and robots,
they think I'm IBM.

If you think that's bad..
just picture this,
try holding these brats
with their pants full of piss.
They pull on my nose,
they grab at my beard
and if I don't smile
the parents think that I'm weird.

Flying through the air
dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys
and skinning my knees.

I'm quitting this job,
there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my ass and
collect unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year
and you know the reason.
I found me a blonde and I'm
going South for the season.

Once upon a time, long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a cute little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like me to put this tree Santa?"

And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded 'yes.' After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He sure is, lady... This is the Staten Island Ferry!"

A pretty girl is driving through the west. Her car runs out or gas, and an Indian comes along on a horse, and gives her a ride to a gas station.

Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that would curdle milk.

Finally, he drops her off with a final "Yiiieee-yiiieee-yiiiee!" and gallops off.

"My god!" says the gas station guy. "What were you doing to that Indian to make him holler like that?"

"Why, nothing," says the girl. "I just sat behind him with my arms around him, holding onto his saddle horn."

"Lady..." says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."

A new reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman by an escapee from a mental asylum. He returned with the story and a headline of "Woman raped, Mental patient escapes".

The editor told him the headline needed a little punch to grab the reader's attention. After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and Flees".

The editor told him it was a family paper and they couldn't use a headline like that, go back and try again.

Much later he came back with "Nut Screws and Bolts."

Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed...

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt."

Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, maried O.Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr Scherlock and because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became known as Noe Schitt Scherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and the produced a cowardly son - Chick Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them and ask if they are related to any of the above.

Dr. Seuss Purity Test:

Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?

Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?

Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?

Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?

Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?

Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?

Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?

Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?

Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?

Have you done it 'tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?

Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?

Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?

Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?

Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?

Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?

Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?

Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?

Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?

Have you done it without style?
Have you done it on the bathroom tile?

Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?

Have you done it on Mother's couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?

Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?

Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?

Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?

Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?

Answer these and count your "no"s,
Pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee,
Score times two is your Purity.

There was a lady who was in bed with her lover one day, when she hears a noise and realizes that her husband is home early from work. She has no idea what to do with her lover so she sticks him in the closet and successfully covers up every part of his body except his balls. Thinking quick, she paints his balls red with some spray paint.

Her husband comes up to the bedroom and opens the closet doors to get out some clothes and notices the red balls hanging there. "What are these?" he asks.

"Oh, those are just some Christmas Bells I picked up on sale this afternoon" she answers.

He toys with them for a second and realizes that they are not making noise, so he pulls them apart and clangs them together, but all he hears is "uuuggghhh." He says "Honey, these things aren't working right, let me try again.

So he pulls them farther apart and bangs them together. Still the only noise made is "UUUGGGHHH." He is beginning to get a little annoyed and he says, "I am gonna try once more and if these things do not chime, I am gonna throw them in the fireplace and burn them. So he stretches them as far apart as he can and slams them together.

At that moment the guys sticks his head out of the closet and screams, "DING DONG, MOTHER FUCKER, DING DONG!!!!"

While swimming in the nude at a deserted California beach, the young man sustained a painful sunburn over his entire body; and later that night, while in bed with his date, he found the agony almost unbearable. Stepping into the kitchen, he poured a tall glass of cold milk and submerged the object of his greatest discomfort.

"My Goodness!" the girl gasped, watching him from the doorway. I’ve always wondered how men load that thing!"

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says "i just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me---"

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, dad- you're drunk!"

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby, a pretty hip guy with his own car, goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it.

"Oh yeah," says Carries father, "our Carrie really loves to screw. She'd screw all night if we'd let her!"

Well, this makes Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening is beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMN IT, DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

Thanks to Fiona for that one.

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.

He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.

The bowl is full of butter....

Everybody Does It

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can`t stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
DENTAL HYGENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DIVERS do it deeper.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNISTS mount and dismount well.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINESTS make the best screws.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MODELS do it in any position.
MUSICIANS do it with rythm.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
RACERS like to come in first.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
WELDERS have hotter rods.