The Wizard of Oz visits Washington DC. He sees Al Gore and asks if there is anything he wants. "Well, sure!" says Al. "I'd like to have a brain." "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the veep a brain.

Next he sees Al D'Amato, the Senator from New York, and asks if there is anything he wants. D'Amato thinks for a second and says he would like to have a heart. "Done!" says the Wizard, and he gives the Senator a heart.

Finally the Wizard sees Bill Clinton and asks if there is anything the President wants. Bill pauses, looks around for a minute and quietly asks, "Where's Dorothy?"

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approaching him..

"What is it?" the President yells..

"It's the abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks..

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the President.

Q: What California city can't Bill get off his mind lately?
A: Scent o' Monica.

Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.

Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader.

Two thousand women were asked this question in a recent poll: "Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?" Thirty-four percent responded: "Never again."

Q: What instrument, besides the saxophone, does Bill Clinton play?
A: The whore-monica.

Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.

Q: How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton's sexual appetite?
A: It Takes A Village!

Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.

Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than than Bill.

Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.

Q. Did yo hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
A. The Spread Eagle

Q. Whats Lewinsky's favorite bird?
A. The swallow

Q. How many White House Interns does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None, they are to busy screwing the President.

Q. Why did Clinton cross the road?
A. To get to the intern on the other side, of course

Q. What was Lewinsky's position at the white house?
A. Head Intern

Q. What is Lewinsky's code name in the FBI?
A. Deep Throat

Q. What is Clinton's favorite toy?
A. An Erector Set

Q. What is Clinton's favorite card game?
A. Poker

Q. What is Clinton's favorite T.V. Show?
A. Leave it to Beaver

Q. What's Bill Clinton's favorite brand of potato chips?
A. Lays

Q. What office equipment has been distributed to all white house secretaries?
A. The Dick-taphone

Q. Why would Clinton make a great rowing instructor?
A. Because he is so good at saying, "Stroke, Stroke, Stroke."

Q. Why is Clinton such a lousy golfer?
A. He likes to take a lot of strokes.

Q. What is Clinton's worst nightmare?
A. An intern with braces. (I feel your pain)

Q. Whats Clinton's Economic forecast?
A. A "Bare" Market

Q. What does Clinton have in common with a Timex watch?
A. It takes a Licking and keeps on Dicking

Q. Why did Lewinsky have an affair with Clinton?
A. She wanted to get a head in the world.

Q. What does clinton do fist thing in the morning?
A. Read the HEADlines...

Q. How many White House interns does it take to satisfy clinton?
A. Nobody knows, he has never been satisfied.

Q. What do Sleeping Beauty and Lewinsky have in common?
A. Both were Pricked.

Q. What do OJ and Clinton have in common?
A. Both are lying, bad golfers, who leave a trail of DNA behind.

Q. What do Clinton and Starr have in common?
A. They are both inclined to extend their probes.

Q. What was clinton's last gift to Monica?
A. Spot remover.

Q. How did they finally bust clinton.
A. Monica finally coughed up the evidence.
Thanks to coleyt for that one!

What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have in common?
........going down fast

Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.

What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
"Inhale to the Chief"

What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky?
"They told me she was the "head" intern!"

What's the recipe for Clinton stew?
A small weenie in hot water.

Bill wasted all that energy running for President.
He thought they said the "Oral" Office.

During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky"
Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky"

Why did Bill get into this problem?
He didn't know that harass was one word. (her ass :-)

Why is the no proof?
She swallowed the evidence.

How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony?
"It wasn't words that I put in her mouth".

What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger.

President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition . . .
I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!"

Why did Monica stop having sex with Bill?
She heard he had Presidential Aids

Johnny Cochran's latest defense strategy for Slick Willie:
If she spit, you must acquit!

What's Slick Willie's new nickname?
President-erect.

Did you hear that Monica got honorable mention in her high school year book?
....she was voted most likely to "suckseed"......

What to the Nixon Whitehouse and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common?
Two Dicks out of control.

To the theme from Chumbawba's Tubthumping....
My pants go down but they go up again when ever Hillary's around.

What will Bill Clinton's new official title be after this latest sex scandal?
Command-her under the sheets.

What does Monica Lewinsky and the Bermuda Triangle have in common?
They both swallow seamen.

What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Hilary? "My little buttercup"
What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Monica?
"My little suction cup

Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for 7-11?
She's endorsing the "Big Gulp"

What's the difference between a phillips screwdriver and Bill Clinton?
One turns in screws, and the other screws interns!!

Most of us are worried about getting AIDS from sex.
Bill's biggest problem is getting sex from aides.

Clinton's Favorite Things

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan Mc Dougal and Jennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

(chorus) When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Distracting the public with threats about wars,
speaking of missiles instead of dropped drawers,
lying to keep my ass out of a sling,
these are a few of my favorite things.

(chorus)

Coffees and Chinese and rich Indonesians,
Mena, the mob and American "injuns",
Hurling me cash in millions of flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

So many charges, they stink like a dung-hill.
Ginsberg, and Jordan and Bennett and Carville,
think citizens lack the slightest ink-ling.
These are a few of my favorite things.

(chorus)

Flowers and Willey and Jones and Lewinsky,
Did my best to get them to just blow me,
Shucks, what the heck? No harm in just scamming!
These are a few of my favorite things.

Matt Drudge and Ruddy and Farah and Scaiffe,
Digging up my dirt, that's all plenty scary.
Imagine them all,on a plane down in flames!
These are a few of my favorite things.

(chorus)

Q. What's the difference between Clinton and Lewinsky?

A. Clinton couldn't come clean, and Lewinsky couldn't clean come.

The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles.

She emerged two days later with no ears.

What do you call 8 nights of blow jobs?

Hanukkah Lewinsky!

thanks to alison for this one-

President Clinton's Top Ten Least Successful Pickup Lines

10. "I'm the most powerful man in the free world. Can I buy you some Cheetos?"
9. "Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can sure as hell see myself in them."
8. "Come on, all the interns are doing it."
7. "Hey, I can get you on the Whitewater deposition list."
6. "Has anyone ever told you that you look a little like Janet Reno?"
5. "If I can make the Senate and the House convene, imagine what I can do to you."
4. "Hey, I got an idea. Let's make this an oral briefing."
3. "Would you like to see the executive branch?"
2. "How would you like to be the first attractive girl I've ever had an affair with?"
1. "Wanna play Swallow the leader?"

thanks to alison for this one too-

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan were all on the Titanic. As it was sinking, George exclaimed, "Women and children first!"
Ronald replied "Screw the women."
Then Bill said "But do we have time?"

Once again, thanks to alison-

What's the difference between Monica and a vacuum cleaner?
Where you attach the dirtbag.

Q. How are OJ Simpson & Monica Lewinsky similar?
A. Neither can explain the stain on their clothes, and both have sore knees.

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard!"

Did you hear about the new Bill Clinton Commemorative Belt Buckle?

It's made out of Mistletoe!!!

Hillary and Chelsea were sitting around table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asked Chelsea, "You have been going to college for a while now; have you had sex yet? Chelsea says,...

"Well, not according to Dad."

Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans

10. "Read My Lips -- No New Interns"
9. "Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill's Crap For So Long"
8. "Isn't It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?"
7. "Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign"
6. "Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife"
5. "You Give Me A Vote, I'll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job"
4. "Still Not Indicted As Of Early '99!"
3. "From Perjury To Albany"
2. "Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It"
1. "Oh Lord, Please Don't Make Me Go Back To Arkansas"

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Hillary Clinton goes to a new doctor in Washington for an examination and he discovers that she has crabs.

He thinks to himself "How am I going to tell the 1st lady that she has crabs?" After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office.

Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.

She says "What?"

He again responds "Nixon's Disease."

She says, "Level with me doc, what does it mean?"

He responds, "Well Mrs. Clinton, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval office."

I hear that the Democrats are considering changing their emblem from a donkey to a condom because a condom stands for inflation, halts production, discourages cooperation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives one a sense of security while screwing others.

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph..... what shutter speed would you use?

Twas the night before Christmas and throughout the White House,
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.

The Secret Service were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of Democrats were vacationing there.

As Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed,
dirty thoughts swam around Mr. Kennedy's head.

And Bill in his sportcoat; a heavy gray tweed, had just
fried his brain with some Mexican weed.

When out in the garden came a plethora of noise,
all drunken and rowdy: 'twas Newt and the boys!

Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash,
"It's a raid boys!" he cried, "Quick, go hide my stash!"

The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow,
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.

When what to Bill's frantic eyes should appear, but a slew
of Republicans and a keg of ice beer.

With a big House leader, all lively and fat:
He knew it was Newt, the proponent of GATT!

As viscous as vipers, the Republicans came,
and Bill recognized them and called them by name.

"Hey Helms, Hey Thurmond! Hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey Dole
and Pataki, it's time for a bash!"

A collective cheer rose out from the crowd,
"Let's listen to Nugent, and turn it up loud!"

Together Dems and Republicans danced and sang out in cheer
"Screw health care and Haiti, it's time to drink beer!"

When from the chimney, came a big black cloud of soot,
as Limbaugh danced from the fireplace in a red Santa suit.

He moved through the crowd, then held up his hand,
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.

And the crowd raised their cups, as Newt bowed down in prayer,
and champagne flowed freely, just like welfare.

As Kennedy and Reno romped in the Green Room,
the rest of the crooks outlined their plan of doom.

"We'll pray in the schools, shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes, we'll still get the votes!"

And they drank, hugged and danced, they crossed party lines.
They cheered, "It doesn't matter, we're all bastard swines!"

So they threw out allegiance and partisan crap,
and they took turns sitting on the President's lap.

And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn,
and awoke in the morning without their pants on.

And Packwood gave Tipper a pat on the rear.
While Judge Thomas and Miss Hill went out for more beer.

Then the party-ers discovered a sight so touching and cute,
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt.

Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots,
"A merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain?? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

Top ten names for Ben & Jerry's new presidential ice cream:

1. Impeach-Mint
2. Big Banana Blast
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
5. Pantstachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Peppermint Fattie
8. Captain Cream
9. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Cherry Swirl
10. Rocky Road Ahead

A lot of controversy coming out over this campaign financing. They're investigating this gardener ... who gave $425,000 to the Clinton campaign. What kind of gardener has $425,000? What crop do you think this guy is growing? Maybe the same kind Clinton isn't inhaling?

President Clinton said today that the reason people at the White House have had to change their stories so much, is that when you're asked millions of questions it's not possible to remember the answer to every one. Unless of course you're telling the truth and you don't have to remember anything.

Course in Washington, D.C., the big news is that Bill Clinton raised almost half a million dollars last year from 16 people he had dinner with. Imagine dividing up that check? `Okay, who had the soup? You owe me $45,000 dollars. Who had the croissant?'

Clinton is now admitting that, yes, he did encourage people to stay overnight at the White House. The White House released the names of 938 people who have slept in the Lincoln bedroom since Clinton took office. That's almost every night. Clinton can't win. If he's not in trouble for staying in sleazy motels, he's in trouble for running one.

You got Al Gore on the White House phones, raising money, calling people; you got hundreds of donors standing at Lincoln's bedroom; you got Clinton charging people $50,000 for coffee -- if we wanted to wipe out the National Debt let's open up a chain of White Houses all across the country.

President Clinton banged his head the other day. This is the first thing he's banged that hasn't hired an attorney.