LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood ofn the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded.
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter taim
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it gits cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its black fly season.
BYTE: Whut them dang flies do.
CHIPS: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Where the leftover munchies go---Fred eats 'em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northern fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya cain't member whut ya paid fer yer new shotgun ...when yer wife asks.

***Thanks to Addy for that one***

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her, and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother, for she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse, although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle, though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle, then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son, who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson, for he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife, she's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother, then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it, It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become the strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother, I am my own grandpa.

***Thanks to Addy, again***

Two rednecks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer, when flashing lights from a policeman appear in the driver's rear-view mirror. "Don't worry!" says the driver to his friend, "Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly." "First, we'll peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now shove all of the bottles under the front seat! And, let me do all the talking!" They pull over to the side of the road and the cop walks up to the car. He shines his flash light into the car and looks at the two drunks. "Have you been drinking?" he asks them. "Oh, No Sir," replies the driver. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alchoholics, and we're on the patch!"

A young red neck boy rushes into the kitchen and says: "Pa, I jist met a li'l thang that I'm a gonna marry & she's a VIRGIN!" Pa slams his fist on the table and proclaims, "Hell boy, I forbid you to marry that gal... If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Un-employed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?
(Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth:
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know

One day, a 4th grader came home from school and asks his father, "Dad, everyone in class can count to 100, but I can only count to 10. How come?" His father says, "Well son, that's because you're from West Virginia." The next day, the 4th grader came home from school and says, "Dad, today everyone in class recited the entire alphabet. I only know up to the letter 'L'. How come?" Again, his father replies, "Well, that's because you're from West Virginia." Then one day, the 4th grader came home and was all excited, wearing a smile from ear to ear. He says, "Dad! Dad! Today, we were in gym class, and all the boys had little penises, but mine was huge! Is that 'cause I'm from West Virginia??" His father replies, "No son, that's because you're 28 years old!"

Q. How are a redneck divorce and a tornado alike?

A. Either way you lose a trailer.

The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in by labeling African American slang as the language "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI - noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - noun. The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them Bammer boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....mus' be from some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."

SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"

GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft's Headquarters Was in West Virginia:

1. Their #1 product would be "Winders '95."
2. Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right," "Naw," or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel."
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be dueling banjoes.
6. The Recycle Bin in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear "Freebird."
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achey Breaky Heart."
9. Powerpoint would be named "Parpawnt."
10. Hardware could be replaced using parts from an old Trans-Am.
11. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
12. "Well first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
13. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
14. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" scheme.
15. One wrong turn while surfing the net and you'd be face to face with a 12 gauge.
16. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson" screen saver.
17. Directions to corporate headquarters: Down the road a mile or so...
18. Microsoft word includes a phoenetic spell checker: Hookt on foniks werkt fir me

Redneck Etiquette - DRIVING ETIQUETTE

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Redneck Etiquette - PERSONAL HYGIENE

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Redneck Etiquette - DINING OUT

Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Redneck Etiquette - ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his manners are.

If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Redneck Etiquette - DATING (Outside the Family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years a go."

If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.

Redneck Etiquette - THEATER ETIQUETTE

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Redneck Etiquette - WEDDINGS

Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.

Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.

When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.

A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also a proven fly deterrent.

For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Redneck Etiquette - TIPS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.

Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.

It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.

Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.

Redneck Drivers License Application:

Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name:

[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

A hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there, his father says, "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."

The son says, "Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin."

"Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

You Might Be a Redneck If:

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods.

The first day they go fishing they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

More You Might Be A Redneck If:

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves.

You can't take a nap without at least one hand tucked inside your pants.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

You've ever stolen toilet paper.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

There's an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.

You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.

You think the Bud Bowl is real.

You think "six to ten pounds" on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.

Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache

Top 25 Things You Won't Hear a Redneck Say

25. Duct tape won't fix that.
24. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
23. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe.
22. Wrasslin's fake.
21. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
20. We're vegetarians.
19. Do you think my hair is too big?
18. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Deer heads detract from the decor.
15. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
14. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
13. Trim the fat off that steak.
12. Cappuccino tastes better that espresso.
11. The tires on that truck are too big.
10. I'll have the arugula and ridicchio salad.
9. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
8. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
7. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
6. Checkmate.
5. She's too old to be wearing a bikini.
4. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
3. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
2. I don't have a favorite college team.
1. Elvis who?