If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.
- Mahatma Gandhi

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

As one ages, it is important to remember which pocket has the pills and which pocket has the change. Yesterday, I felt a heart pain, and took 35 cents.

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself.

Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Groucho Marx Says...

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain

"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence, There's a knob called brightness, but it doesn't work."

"Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood."

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

I STARTED out with nothing .... I still have most of it.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

"We need laws that protect everyone. Men and women, straights and gays, regardless of sexual perversion...ah, persuasion."

- Bella Abzug, New York politician
(address a rally for the Equal Rights Amendment)

"My fellow Americans. I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." - President Ronald Reagan (famous mic check just before he was going to make a radio broadcast.)