The Top Ten Shortest Books

10. Human Rights Advances in China
9. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
8. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
7. Al Gore: The Wild Years
6. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
5. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
4. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
3. Everything Men Know About Women
2. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
1. The Amish Phone Directory

The 12 Worst Things to Say to a Police Officer:

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police      officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
7. Bad cop! No Donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
10. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
11. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
12. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!

50 Fun Things to do at Wal-mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away.  Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside-down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Ask for the manager on duty. When he comes to see you, say, "I'm an employee of Bradlees! I'm defecting! I want retail asylum!"
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.  Then, if the store has a food court, go there and buy a soft drink. Explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge !
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200.00 / hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
1. Think you can get me off?

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty in Golf But Aren't:

10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first!

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

Addy's List Of The Top 20 Funiest Bumper Stickers:

1. Jesus is coming, everybody look busy.
2. Horn broken, watch for finger.
3. My kid had sex with your honor student.
4. We are Microsoft, Resistance is futile, You will be Assimilated.
5. Jesus loves you...Everyone else think you're an asshole.
6. I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
7. I love cats, they taste just like chicken.
8. Keep honking, I'm reloading.
9. Out of my mind, be back in 5 minutes.
10. I want to die like my grandpa, not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
11. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and for profit.
12. Guns don't kill people, I do.
13. Cats the other white meat.
14. Friends don't let friends drive naked.
15. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
16. Lottery: A tax on people who aren't good at math.
17. Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes.
18. Consciousness:That annoying period between naps
19. Ever stop to think, then forget to start again?
20. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
***Thanks to, of course, Addy for that one.***

Signs You’ve Joined a Cheap Ass HMO...

You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Exam room has a tip jar.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

Signs Your Car Needs Cleaning:

Greenpeace won't let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
Neighborhood kids offer: "Mow your Volvo, sir?"
Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
"Wash Me" appears on your trunk -- chiseled with a jackhammer.
Impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
Your "cell phone antenna" is really a sapling which took root.
Kids write "PLOW ME!" on your trunk.
When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities:

10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
8. Churn butter naked.
7. Blow past Dairy Queen on a really outrageous Clydesdale.
6. Get a tattoo: "Born To Raise Barns"
5. Cruise the streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
4. Sleep in 'til 6:00 a.m.
3. Drive over to Allentown and kick some Mennonite butt.
2. Two words: Buttermilk kegger
1. Wet bonnet contest.

Top Ten Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:

10) "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9) "This is just a minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to."
8) "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
7) "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
6) "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
5) "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
4) "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
3) "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
2) "The coffee machine is broken...."
1) "Amen"

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery

- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys and this guy's got two of 'em."
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens.
- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
- What's this doing here?
- I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- Sterile, schmeril. The floor's clean, right?
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
- Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Top Ten Things NOT To Say If You're Pulled Over:

10. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts was running a 3 for 1 special!
9. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
8. No, offi, offic, lucifer... I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
7. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110.
6. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
5. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex:

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2) Less guilt the morning after.
1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Top Ten Psycho Pick-Up Lines

10. Didn't I see you on the grassy knoll?
9. Can I buy you a spatula?
8. Bet you're wondering why I have no nostrils?
7. Your crawlspace or mine?
6. You look like the kind of person who appreciates catheters.
5. May I lick your forehead?
4. Do you always wear your shoes over your socks?
3. Smeep. Smeep. Smeep.
2. What's your favorite flavor of wood?
1. You've stolen my heart, but thats okay because I have three more back home in the freezer!

Top Ten Hit Television Shows in Iraq

10. "Husseinfeld"
9. "Mad About Everything"
8. "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
7. "Suddenly Sanctions"
6. "Allah McBeal"
5. "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
4. "Achmed's Creek"
3. "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
2. "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
1. "Just Shoot Me"

The Top Ten Reasons to Buy a New Car

10. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.
9. Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.
8. You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14 year old on a moped.
7. 15 minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep you car for 3 days.
6. When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you"?
5. Thieves repeatedly break in your car just to steal the "Club".
4. While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.
3. For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom' noises while in the driveway.
2. You keep losing dates on left turns.
1. Traffic reporters start referring to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.

Top Ten Excuses Given By the Guards at the Empty Tomb of Jesus

10. "I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!"
9. I thought it was the pizze delivery guy leaving! No wonder he laughed when I tried to tip him.
8. "With the earth shakin' and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens!"
7. "Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, I'm afraid you're speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form and direct you to Burial Services."
6. "As we've already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of "escape", we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!"
5. "We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!"
4. "You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how (Mat. 27:65). We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
3. "All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!
2. "What's the big deal? He said He'd be back!"
1. "Hey! What'd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?--NOOOOOOOOO!"

Top Ten Plays Shakespeare Chose Not To Publish

10. Christopher Marlowe Can Kiss My Elizabethan Ass
9. Henry VIII, I Am, I Am
8. A Midsummer Night's Nocturnal Emission
7. Om'let
6. Love's Fing'r Pulled
5. Romeo & Steve
4. Henry VIII was a Big Fat Idiot
3. Romeo & Michelle's High School Reunion
2. King Gump
1. Booty Calleth

Top 13 Signs That the Ice Cream Truck Driver is Crazy

13. Number of kills clearly marked on the side of his truck.
12. He's paranoid because he's "always being followed by someone disguised as little children."
11. His route takes him down your street at precisely 3:30 am every morning.
10. Comes to work wearing only a strategically placed waffle cone.
9. All the flavors have the word "Opossum" somewhere in their titles.
8. Offers three flavors: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Sacred Blood of the Martyrs.
7. Popsicles, Creamsicles, Fudgesicles -- sure. Spleensicles? Never heard of ‘em!
6. "Little Mr. Softee" always making surprise appearances.
5. Every time you get close to his truck he guns it and laughs while yelling, "Maybe next time, Lardass!"
4. On Tuesdays, drives backwards and demands ice cream from little kids.
3. Ice cream sandwiches come with alfalfa sprouts, dijon mustard and a pickle.
2. "Ice cream! Get your... HEY, YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY TRUCK! ...Ice cream, get your ice cream!..."
1. Likes Jerry, but says Ben is "a real turd."

Top Ten Shakespearean Insults

Thou brazen ill-breeding clack-dish
Thou vain shag-eared measle
Thou yeasty hasty-witted rabbit-sucker
Thou pribbling muddy-mettled dogfish
Thou whoreson beef-witted harlot
Thou goatish heavy-handed pigeon-egg
Thou impertinent pottle-deep nut-hook
Thou warped swag-bellied hempseed
Thou infectious pox-marked horn-beast
Thou puny rug-headed canker-blossom

Top Ten Arabian Insults

May 6,000 unwelcome doppelgangers inflate used condoms on your toes
May an impossible number of courageous sex therapists make babies in your aorta
May 5,000 cramped famous painters repent in your boxers
May 24,000 fascist knights assemble plastic scale model kits of industrial appliances on your butt
May 65,535 frightening travelling salesmen debate the meaning of life inside your rectum
May 529,000 grotesque golf caddies start a holy war in your nostrils
May 9,000 illiterate biologists throw used Kleenex in your bladder
May 999,999,999 uncultured pimps go bankrupt in your large intestine
May 50,000 amorphous prison guards start a three state killing spree in your blender
May an infinite number of gifted philosophers make rude gestures in your glovebox