RETURN
With mega big bucks and a potful of fame, Nintendo has it all: Great games, huge franchising lines and of course, socially insane ^%$#! attempting to sue some money out of their Pika-paws. I am especially against this last bit since I intend to reign as lord over a big name company someday. So let us begin class...
THE CASE OF THE RELIGIOUS MILKSHAKE
"What's this? Children are playing with cards? They're doing something vaguely resembling something that once met an acquaintance of Mr.Gambling? They play Pokémon on Sundays!? It is evil, I declare! Let the Pikachus burn in you-know-where, lest our young be gored by the horns of Pokémon based on real-life horned animals!"
Ah, the classic symptoms of Religiousa Fervoris. Tell-tale signs include preaching love as you smash, crush, pound, destroy fluffy Pikachu dolls; exorcising the demons from Poké-tarot cards; and increasing sermon attendance ten-fold after the newspapers print your sensational crusade worldwide.
Real Life Case: Anyone, or any school that condemns childrens' playthings in the name of God. Excluding hand guns. And shot guns. And semi-automatic rifles...
THE CASE OF THE MISGUIDED PARENT GROUP
You know the type: Rallying together to ban television, video games, cinema shows, toys... If it gets popular with the kids, it must be immoral. This type of partially-rationalized behaviour has led to the rating of everything sold anywhere. The argument behind this is that kids will naturally copy what they learn from the mass media. This is further backed up by the school slayings by someone who likes to play a certain corridor shooter game. Heck, I play those sort of games, and if I ever get my hands on available-at-any-stores-or-your-dad's-bedroom-drawer submachine guns you can be certain you won't find ME on trial for murder sprees. I hide too well, hee-hee.
Meanwhile, the bored kids now turn to dysfunctionality and grow up to become Campaignaholic parents themselves. And smokers. And drinkers. And divorcees. After all, no one like good old mom and dad to lead the way through life eh? Now Parents-Against-Fun have rallied against the Pokémon TCG in the name of preventing gambling, forgetting that Classic Poker Night 52-card decks are far more available than Charizards.
Real Life Case: Kyle's mom Sheila, founder of Parents Against Canada. It's from South Park the movie, but better not watch it or it'll give you a dirty mouth. Watch: ^%$#! See?
THE CASE OF THE MONEY NEEDING RECOGNIZER
Ever heard of Uri Geller? Oh, you have? Well, me too! He's like, oh so famous. Wah hah ha ha! Okay, joke's over. Point is, he intends to sue Nintendo because one of the Pokémon is 'based' on him.
Mr.Geller's argument: Nintendo are making money off of my name! The Alakazam card shows it holding two bent spoons and it is a "magician and psychic". But in Japan it is known as Un-geller! Many people send me email asking me how much Nintendo have paid me for the right to use my name and persona. This is a blatant abuse of my name, I would never have given permission to be used for violent and (in the case of Evil Alakazam) evil doings!
Unfortunate Reality: Mr.Geller, Alakazam is in fact Foodin (watch the OAV starting to catch that spelling). Un-geller is known as Kadabra in the USA. Only it's not Un-geller, it is Yoongera/Yunghelor. Do your homework! It holds one spoon, and is only as evil as you command it to be. The Psychic Gym is full of spoon-bending, card guessing trainees. The 151 and more to come Pokémon are based on various animals, legends and popular things (think Hit the Diglett), which you are very much extremely terribly too surely included in. As if.
Are you the only spoon bending bloke in the world? Well then are you the first? Do you design your own spoon bending sequences? How about compose your own spoon bending speeches? Can you bend an Alakazam card with your mind? Perhaps the 149 Pokémon that don't hold spoons then, with more to come? Have you ever before, during, after or out of your career managed to bend Thunder Shocks into dragon-shaped lightning that chases yellow mice? Are you a has-been yet? If not, would you like to be one?
Real Life Case: Hey dude, sorry but I'm NOT going to even MENTION your name from now on. I'll just call you Mr.BigShotPants. And I won't put your mug on my cards, just in case it makes you more popular. No need to thank me. All you famous people/licenses out there, please check South Park, Fallout 2, The Simpsons, many comedy movies such as Austin Powers, manymany Anime and Manga if you happen to be Ultraman/Godzilla, old Disney and Warner Brothers cartoon films if you were a famous blues/jazz singer and of course, my own page in case someone did a Carry On of you. We're glad you're grateful that we think highly enough of you to include you somewhere in our creations.
ADVICE FOR FUTURE BIG COMPANY SUERS
Try to actually understand what it is you are hating. Then go campaign for something useful, such as world peace or feeding the poor. But the earth and the starving don't have enough cash to pay you off, and you won't get big fame since everyone else is already campaign leader. Oh well, it's the heart that counts right?
MORE ADVICE FOR FUTURE BIG COMPANY SUERS
When Donkey Kong came out they sued Nintendo for satirizing King Kong. In the end they lost the case badly and were forced to pay damages to Nintendo instead, thanks to Howard Lincoln's attorneying I believe. Besides, Gamefreak created Pokémon.
A WORD FROM ME ON BEHALF OF NINTENDO
We could crush you like a bug. One that can't use Psychic Corset.
PS. ^%$#! is a copyright of Cid, Final Fantasy VII, Square Soft.