Final Fantasy VII and Xenogears are copyright Squaresoft Inc.
All Nintendo characters are copyright Nintendo Inc.
Sailor Moon is copyright its respected creators.
Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is copyright Best Brains Inc.
Dragon Ball Z is copyright FUNimation Productions.
All respected characters not aforementioned are copyright their respected creators.

"AVALANCHE Vs. Sailor Moon"
By Dyne

AVALANCHE Vs. Sailor Moon

Cloud: (Playing as Link) Eat boomerang, you moronic cream puff!

Dav: (Playing as Kirby) I don't think so! (Grabs Link and slams him out) Hahahahahahaha! Link's gay!

Cloud: Dammit!

Spanky: (Playing as Mario) I've got a proximity mine and know how to use it!

Vegeta: (As Captain Falcon) Big deal, eat this! (Blasts his @$$ off with a ray gun)

Spanky: Mama mia!

Dav: Game over! Should we whip these idiots' @$$es again Vegeta?

Vegeta: F**k yeah!

Cait Sith: That's 2 for Vegeta/Dav, 0 for Cloud/Spanky.

(Upstairs)

Tifa: Since when did Dav invite Spanky to live here?

Aeris: Then again, since when did Dav live here?

Dyne: Since I started this fic!

Tifa/Aeris: Oh...

Red XIII: Excuse me Tifa, you left the bar unguarded again.

Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on a drinking rampage and breaks some bottles)

Tifa: S**t, not again!!! (Runs in to stop Cait's Friend)

Aeris: Good one, Double D.

Tifa: Shut up Ancient b***h!! Cid was the one on guard duty! What happened to him?

Red XIII: Does Cid sleeping answer your question?

Cid (Snoring his head off and dreaming) Damn! Daisy Duke's hot!

Barret: Shows how unreliable that f**kin' redneck is.

Cid: (Gets up instantly) I heard that you goddamn monkey! (and shoves his spear up Barret's @$$)

Barret: Ah s**t! Not again! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!

Cid: Guess who's also been training under Vegeta?! (Flicks Barret off)

Barret: Sh't!!

Tifa: Cid, you just cost me 5000 gil for the drinks!

Cid: Hey this isn't the first time that motherf**ker's drunk your booze!

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Reno (Walks in): Yeah I hear you buddy!

Cait's Friend/Reno: Tequila man!

Aeris: (Kicks Reno out of the bar) Since when are Reno and Cait's Friend best buddies?

Red XIII: You shouldn't have said that.

Dyne: Because I said so!

Aeris/Tifa/Red: D'oh...

Cid/Barret: ...Poopy!

(Back downstairs)

Cloud: (Now as Yoshi) Die you, Saiyan pussy! (Turns Falcon into an egg and farts him off the edge)

Vegeta: As always, you forget something.

Cloud: What?!

Dav: THIS!! (Throws a bob-omb and blows Yoshi's egg-sucking @$$ away)

Cloud: AH! S**T! NOT AGAIN!

Vegeta: You know what they say, "The defeat of a Saiyan warrior only makes the Saiyan stronger!"

Cloud: Now who are "they"?

Spanky: You said that in the last fic.

Dav: Big deal! (Whacks Mario with a bat)

Mario: (Goes flying off the screen)

Dav: Ha! We win again!

Cait Sith: The score is 3:0.

Spanky: I think we'd better give up.

Cloud: Hell no! We're gonna defeat them yet!

(Suddenly the TV goes crazy)

Vegeta: What...

Cait Sith: the...

Dav: bloody...

Cloud: hell?!

TV: We interrupt this program to bring you this special report.

Spanky: It must be really important to interrupt a video game.

Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!

TV: Saffron city is under attack by a completely unknown source!

Dav: Saffron?!

Cloud: That's the Pokémon city!

Vegeta: Do we care?

Dav/Cloud/Cait: No.

Vegeta: Fine then.

TV: Okay, now it seems that the attacker is a giant winged hell demon.

Cait Sith: That's Vincent!!

Cloud: No s**t, Sherlock!

Vegeta: Should we help him or stop him?

Dav: I suggest we do both.

Spanky: I'll stay here and watch the fort.

Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.

Cait/Dav/Vegeta: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp!

Cloud: I get the idea already!!

Dav: Crap, and this is only the first part of the fic.

(Cloud, Cait Sith, Vegeta, and Dav go upstairs)

Cloud: (Sees Cid mopping up the spilled tequila) I see Cait's Friend got to the drinks again, Tifa.

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Tifa: (Holding a 2X4 and is positioned to attack, in case Cid started slacking) Yeah and this time it was Cid's fault!

Cid: $%^#%&@#%&@#$%76@#%&@$%&@$%&@%&!!

Vegeta: Anyway, the TV just said that Vincent's attacking a city, so we're going to help him then stop him.

Barret: Help him! You f**kin' crazy foo'!

Cait Sith: He's attacking the Pokémon city.

Cid: What the hell are we waiting for!? (Runs out and readies the Highwind)

Aeris: It's amazing how quickly he got it out of the quicksand.

Tifa: Who's going to clean up the mess?!

Dyne: No problem!

(Steel and Steve enter)

Steel: I am a sexual Care Bear. (Author's note: He actually said that in school!)

Red XIII: Uh yeah... that's nice...

Steve: Yeah! Babes!

Tifa/Aeris: Oh f**k!!

Steve: Baaaaaaabes! (Starts chasing Tifa and Aeris around)

Dav: (Trips Steve) Get busy and I might let you see some pictures of Lara Croft I found on the Net. (Hands him the mop)

Steve: Babes! (Starts mopping)

Tifa: Got a one-track mind, just like Cait's Friend.

Cait's Friend: Tequila man.

Steve: Babes.

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Steve: Babes!

Cait's Friend: TEQUILA MAN!!

Steve: BABES!!

Steel: I'd better supervise this strange argument.

Barret: You do that, foo'.

Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.

Red XIII: You never learn your lesson.

Cait/Barret/Dav/Vegeta/Steel: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out!" or something!?

Cloud: Go to hell! All of you!

(AVALANCHE takes off in the Highwind while Steel, Steve, Cait's Friend, and Spanky stay in the Hq. We'll come back to them later)

(On the Highwind)

Vegeta: Hey Aeris, you bored?

Aeris: Yeah...

Vegeta: Then I can think of something for you to do.

Aeris: Hell yeah! (Runs into their bedroom with Vegeta)

Cloud: I'm bored.

Tifa: What're you waiting for?! (Grabs Cloud and they run into their bedroom)

Dav: Yes! (Calls to Barret, Cid, Red, and Cait) Hey guys, come over here!

Barret: Watchoo want, foo'?!

Dav: I bugged their rooms, listen to this. (Walks over to a section of the bridge and turns his system on)

Vegeta: The local train arrives on the hour.

Aeris: In France the truffles are many.

Dav/Barret/Cid/Red/Cait: HUH?!!

Vegeta: Coffee can make one hyper.

Aeris: Geometry would be easier if there are good teachers.

Dav: They're on to us!

Aeris: Over and out...

Dav: I'll switch to the other room. (Flips another switch)

Tifa: Ohhhhh Cloud... ohhhh... (Makes pleasurable noises)

Cloud: Harder baby! HARDER!!

Barret/Cid: Hell yeah!

Crewman: Captain, we're receiving a transmission. I'll play it in the conference room.

Cid: Wait a damn minute will ya?!

Cait Sith: I think we've had enough, my circuits are overloading from excitement.

Dav: (Shuts it off) Let's go!

(Cid, Barret, Red XIII, Cait Sith, and Dav head for the conference room to receive the transmission while Aeris/Vegeta and Cloud/Tifa continue "having fun")

Cid: Okay you f**king jokers, lemme see what ya got!

Crewman: Yes sir! (Opens the channel and Mike Nelson from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 appears)

Dav: Mike?! Why are you contacting us?!

Mike: Well Dr. Forrester suddenly disappeared, and I'm still stuck on the Satellite of Love. But now someone else took over and now we're forced to read bad fanfics!

Barret: Damn! That's evil.

Cid: That's my line!

Red XIII: Don't get started, guys. Everyone's always stealing everyone else's lines these days.

Dav: No s**t, Sherlock.

Red XIII: Hey, you stole that line from me!

Dav: Well you stole it from Cait in the first place!

Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!

Cid: Back to the subject at hand.

Mike: Thank you.

Cait Sith: Do you know who this new... uh d**kweed is?

Mike: Yeah! Her name is- (Transmission shorts out)

Barret/Cid/Red/Cait/Dav: Her?!

Barret: Seems instead of a foo', we got a b***h.

Cid/Red/Dav/Cait: No s**t, Sherlock!

Barret: We still in the first half of the fic, an already that line is overused!

Dav: Anyway, we've got to figure out who's trying to take over the world with bad fanfics.

Red XIII: Waittaminute, the screen!

TV: (Stops showing static and a girl appears)

Cid: Who the f**k are you?!

Girl: I am Sailor Moon! Champion of Justice!

Dav: Then why do you have meatballs in your hair?

Cait Sith: Ha! Good one Dav!

Sailor Moon: I am here to give you this warning. Do not interfere with my leader's plan to conquer the world! (Ends communication)

Red XIII: We've got a problem here!

Cait Sith: No s**t, Sherlock!

(On the Satellite of Love)

Mike: Damn! I didn't get to warn 'em about who they're dealing with!

Tom Servo: Don't worry about it, Mike, at least we managed to get through to 'em.

Crow: Yeah, and since this new maniac is a lot dumber than Forrester, it's only a matter of time.

Mike: Are you guys sure you don't want me to fly this thing again?

Servo/Crow: Hell no!

Mike: Oh come on! All I did last time was break the Hubbell!

(Back on the Highwind)

Learner Pilot (Lvl. 12): Sir, we've reached-

Cid: If you say Midgar, my spear goes right up your @$$!

Pilot: Saffron City!

Cid: Hot damn! Hey, monkey man! Get the others out onto the deck!

Barret: I pity da foo' who calls me a monkey man!

Cait Sith: Come on, Barret! (Pushes him out)

Red XIII: Dav, quick! Turn on the system!

Dav: (Turns it on)

Cait Sith: (Knocks on Cloud/Tifa's door) Get out here, you two!

Tifa: Ow! Hey! What are you doing?!

Cloud: Sorry. You've got my shoulder guard on!

Tifa: You're wearing my skirt!

Red XIII: Uh... shut it off.

Dav: Good idea. (Turns it off)

(Five minutes later everyone is outside the Highwind)

Vegeta: Damn! Vincent's already done a bunch of damage.

Cloud: Be careful, there could be Pokémon anywhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! (Gets zapped by a lightning bolt)

Pikachu: Pikachu!

Tifa: Oh f**k!! It's Pikachu!

Barret: Not for long! (Blow's Pikachu's @$$ away)

Pikachu: Piiiiiiiikaaaaaaaaachuuuuuuuuu!!! (Dies)

Vegeta: Well that was easy.

Aeris: Wait, here comes another one!

Red XIII: Holy crap! It's flying by farting! (Thinks) Now that's my kind of transport.

Jigglypuff: Jigglypuff!

Dav: I'll handle this one. (Punches Jigglypuff and his fist gets stuck) OH F**K! It's sucking me in!

Cait Sith: Didn't you use that line in Celebrity Deathmatch 3?!

Dav: How would anyone know?! No one's read Celebrity Deathmatch 3 yet!

Cid: He's right.

Dav: (Sees a shard of glass next to his foot) Here we go! (Picks it up with his free hand and jabs Jigglypuff)

Jigglypuff: (Pops)

Dav: That takes care of her!

Barret: That was coo', foo'.

Cloud: We'd better find Vincent.

(In another part of the city)

Vincent: I am CHAOS! I am your worst nightmare!

A bunch of Pokémon: (Rush in)

Vincent: Don't make me laugh! SATAN SLAM! (Instantly kills the Pokémon) I will destroy this gay city! Mwahahahahahahaha!!

Cloud: Hey, Vince!

Vincent: Huh? Oh it's you. (Reverts back into a human) You missed most of the party.

Cait Sith: Yeah, we noticed.

Dav: And we took care of the two worst for you.

Vegeta: I thought you were working on destroying Hyrule?

Aeris: Did you finish already?

Vincent: That dips**t Link kicked me out of there before I could inflict any serious damage!

Cid: Whatever happened to that fairy boy anyway?

(To answer Cid's question)

(In Zora's Domain)

Ruto: (Chasing Link) Come here! I'm going to catch you, and then you'll marry me!

Link: Damn! Not even the Triforce of Courage could prepare me for this! Zelda, where are you?!

(In Zora's Fountain)

Zelda (Wrapped in chains on Lord Jabu-Jabu's altar): Does this answer your question?!

Jabu-Jabu: (Surfaces) Ah! Lunch! The Zoras are doing well! (Inhales Zelda)

Zelda: I regret nothing! (Gets eaten alive)

(Back to AVALANCHE)

Barret: Anyway, foo', what da hell were you doin' for the past two weeks?

Vincent: After Link managed to kick me out of Hyrule...

(Vincent tells the story of how he ended up in Saffron City.)

(Meanwhile)

Serena: You wished to see me, oh great leader?

Leader: (Sitting in a chair with its back turned to Serena) Yes, I want you to go to Saffron and destroy the AVALANCHE team.

Serena: But Mistress, your orders were to only prevent then if they hindered your plans to conquer the world.

Leader: No "buts" Serena! Take the girls and go! Stopping them now will prevent them anyway and I'll also have my revenge!

Serena: Yes Mistress... (Walks out)

Leader: Soon they will all pay... And once I have discovered the correct experiment then I will rule the world! Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha... (Breathes) hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

(In the next room)

Serena: Come on girls, we've got a mission to fulfill for the mistress.

Amy: Oh come on! I'm in the middle of a really good chapter!

Mina: Yeah, Lita and I were discussing who's cuter. Brad Pitt or Leonardo DiCaprio.

Author's Note: Dirty b***h!!

Lita: Did you hear something?

Raye: No.

Serena: Will you get off your lazy @$$es and come with me?!

Girls: Fine...

Serena: Good. MOON PRISM POWER!!

Amy: MERCURY STAR POWER!!

(And so on... each girl goes through a two-hour transformation and turns into their designated Scout)

Sailor Moon: Ready?

Scouts: Yes.

Sailor Moon: Then let's go!

Scouts: Damn! Again? Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or something?!

Sailor Moon: All of you have been reading too many fanfics by Dyne and Dave!

Dyne: Damn right!

Sailor Moon: Now come on! (They fly out)

Sailor Mars: Hey! Let's sing on the way there.

Sailor Jupiter: How about you shove it?!

Sailor Mars: Fine, the song is for later anyway.

(The Sailor Scouts fly on to Saffron City where AVALANCHE is still talking)

Cloud: So you started in Hyrule, attacked the Mushroom Kingdom, then you destroyed the Great Fox and finished up here?

Vincent: Yep.

Tifa: Wow, good job.

Cait Sith: It took you two hours to figure it all out, Cloud. That's a record.

Cloud: Shut up!

Vincent: You should've heard Mario and Luigi scream for their lives with those stupid @$$ Italian accents.

Cait Sith: Uh oh... Guys! I'm picking up something headed this way, FAST!

Cid: The hell is this?

Red XIII: Since when did you have built-in radar?

Cait Sith: I always did, you just never asked.

Sailor Moon: There they are! Down there!

Dav: Don't look now guys, it's meatball head!

Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Justice!

Cid/Barret/Cait/Dav/Red: (Sounding bored) You told us already!

Sailor Moon: I know. I was telling them. (Points to Cloud, Tifa, Vegeta, and Aeris)

Sailor Venus: Um... Sailor Moon? Can we do our lines now?

Sailor Moon (Sounding pissed): Fine. Go ahead.

Sailor Venus: By the power of Venus! I am Sailor Venus!

Sailor Mars: In the name of Mars! I am Sailor Mars!

Sailor Jupiter: Through the strength of Jupiter! I am Sailor Jupiter!

Sailor Mercury: Guided by the wisdom of Mercury! I am Sailor Mercury!

Dav: And pretty damn hot too!

AVALANCHE: DAV!!

Dav: Sorry...

Sailor Mercury: (Thinking) He's not so bad either.

Cloud: Ha! While they were doing those crappy lines they didn't even notice we got all of our weapons out!

Sailor Scouts: We are the Sailor Scouts! The true Champions of Justice!

Dav: Well I'm the champion of my JUSTICE-SLASH!! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)

Sailor Moon: (Somehow surviving) Um... ow. Attack! (The scouts split up)

Dav: (Completely shocked) She survived?! But how?!!

Cait Sith: Uh... Vegeta? Do you have your scouters with you?

Vegeta: Yeah. (Puts 'em on) Holy s**t! These school girls have power levels of 5000!

Barret: Who cares?! We gonna kick @$$ like we always do! (Opens fire)

Sailor Mercury: MERCURY ICE BUBBLES BLAST!! (Freezes Barret)

Barret: Sh't!

Sailor Moon: (Recovered) Now to finish him! (Starts waving her Moon Wand)

Cid: I don't think so, b***h! (Steals the wand and shoves his cigarette up Sailor Moon's nose)

Sailor Moon: Ow! Crap! (Tries to get the cigarette out)

Cid: (Throws the wand and hits Sailor Moon again)

Sailor Moon: (Falls into unconsciousness)

Tifa: Eat this b***h! (Uppercuts Sailor Mars in the jaw)

Sailor Mars: AAAAHHHH!! You'll regret that! MARS FIRE IGNITE!!

Tifa: (Dodges and the fire thaws Barret)

Sailor Mars: Ah crap! (Continues fighting Tifa)

Sailor Venus: (Fighting Cait Sith and Vincent) Sailor V is for Victory!

Cait Sith: (Speaking like Darth Vader) Well, I am the Sith! Cait Sith! Get her, moogle!

Moogle: (Hops toward Sailor Venus)

Sailor Venus: VENUS CRESCENT BEAM SMASH!! (Blows the moogle away)

Cait Sith: My moogle! You destroyed my moogle!! EAT THIS!! (Tosses her one of Vincent's tarts)

Sailor Venus: Oh thank you, I was getting hungry. (Eats it) Blech!! (Ralphs) That was terrible!

Vincent: NOBODY INSULTS MY TARTS!! (Turns into Hellsmasker and chases Sailor Venus around while laughing maniacally)

Aeris: (Fighting Sailor Jupiter with Vegeta and Red XIII) DIE! (Whacks Sailor Jupiter in the stomach with her staff)

Sailor Jupiter: (Bends over holding her stomach)

Red XIII: (Looks up Sailor Jupiter's skirt and sniffs her @$$)

Vegeta: Red! That's disgusting!

Red XIII: Sorry, it's the dog in me...

Cloud: (Taking on Sailor Mercury with Dav) Ready, Dav?

Dav: I don't know about this, Cloud.

Cloud: Don't go ga-ga over the enemy, Dav!

Dav: Hey, you do it all the time!

Cloud: Well yeah, but...

Sailor Mercury: Ha! (Kicks Cloud in the nuts and punches Dav in the stomach)

Cloud (High-pitched voice): AH! Maximum suckage!

Dav: (Thinking) Not bad...

Cid: Die, b***h! (About to run his spear through Sailor Moon's head when a rose comes flying out of nowhere, hits him and knocks him across the city.)

Cid: F**k! That's a pretty f**kin' powerful rose!

Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) We must withdraw! (Picks Sailor Moon up and disappears)

Sailor Mars (Getting the s**t beaten out of her by Tifa): Good idea! (Trips Tifa and flies away)

Sailor Jupiter: Next time you won't be so lucky! (Flies away)

Sailor Venus: This is only the beginning! (Flies away right before Vincent is about to cut her in half)

Sailor Mercury: (Knocks Cloud and Dav over again) I'll see you later! (Looks toward Dav and flies away)

Cloud: Ha! We won!

Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)

Dav: (Thinking) Yeah, but why couldn't I attack her?

Barret: Come on, foo's! We'd bettah get back to Midgar an' plan a strategy!

Aeris: Woah! Barret actually thinking before a fight?! That's a new one.

(They board the Highwind and leave Saffron City still smoking)

(Meanwhile, the Scouts are talking on the way back to their base.)

Sailor Venus: It was really too bad that we have to fight some really good-looking guys.

Sailor Mercury: Well, I don't care if you three start chasing any of 'em... but Dav is mine! Oops...

Scouts: HUH?!

Sailor Mars: This is something new. We've never seen Sailor Mercury chase after any guy before.

Sailor Mercury: (Blushes) Uh... well... I think he likes me...

Scouts: We're in trouble!

Sailor Jupiter: Well if you ever get distracted by him in battle, then you'll have to confront the Mistress.

Sailor Mercury: Oh... poopy.

(At the AVALANCHE Hq.)

Steel: Well, that takes care of the mopping. How about a game of Goldeneye, Spanky? Steve's guarding the bar and what's left of the drinks.

Spanky: All right. Time I practiced some head shots! (They go downstairs and see Steve on the computer)

Steve: Babes!

Steel: Oh crap! If Steve's down here, then Cait's Friend is...

Cait's Friend: Tequila man! (Goes on another drinking rampage)

Steel/Spanky: F**K!! (Head upstairs to see that the rest of the drinks are gone)

Spanky: This is just perfect! Tifa's going to kill us!

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Reno: (Runs in) Hey! You didn't leave me any!

Steel: (Kicks Reno out again) We'd better get busy and get rid of these bottles before- (Hears the Highwind land and the team enters)

Spanky: We're screwed!!

Tifa: Damn right, you %^&%^(&*)$^(%&)^&*#%&)&_($^&)&^*$%*$%^&$%*$%^&$^*$%^&!!

Red XIII: Damn, Tifa pulled a Cid!

Barret: Come on, foo's! We're startin' the meetin'!

(Everyone but Steel and Spanky head downstairs)

(Back at the Sailor Scouts' base, they've all reverted to their normal form and Serena has regained consciousness)

Serena: So Amy, I hear you like one of the enemy.

Amy: It's not true!

Raye: Haven't you ever heard about that river in Egypt? De Nile?

Amy: You've used that line before!

Lita: Well if we're going to defeat them next time, we'll need some help.

Mina: You mean the others?

Serena: Lita's right, I'll call 'em now. (Walks over to the phone)

(Back at the AVALANCHE Hq.)

Vegeta: If we're going to kick these school girls' @$$es, we have to analyze their powers and figure out how we can use it them to our advantage.

Cait's Friend: Fajita man!

Vegeta: Quiet, you!

Red XIII: I agree with Vegeta, these definitely aren't ordinary school girls.

Dav: Well, Mike said that their leader is a b***h, but meatball head isn't their top leader, then someone else must've taken over.

Cloud: And Mr. Cole here needs to keep his mind on the battle, and not on Sailor Mercury!

Dav: Shut up! It's over and done with! She's completely out of my mind now!

Cid: See that it stays that way!

Aeris: Leave him alone, Cid! He's just like we all were at his age!

Dav: Thank you.

Cait Sith: Now we'd better get a little help for this.

Cloud: Good idea. (Takes out his PHS and makes a call)

Vegeta: I'll be right back with Kakarott. He might be able to help. (Flies out)

Tifa: I wish he wouldn't fly through the wall.

Barret: You guys think we could get dat foo' Link back here?

Vincent: Probably not. The last time I saw him that nude fish lady was chasing him.

Red XIII: Poor guy.

Cid: Damn, that's evil. Hey! I used my own line!

All: No s**t, Sherlock!

Steel: (Comes downstairs) I can fight, and I never get to in these fics.

Spanky: (Comes downstairs) Yeah, I've never got to fight either.

Cait Sith: You only appeared in Dyne's last fic!

Spanky: Well... I've still never fought.

Dav: All right, you guys can come.

Steve: Babes!

Dav: Not you!

Steve: Babes...

Aeris: Two of us have to stay to watch Steve and Cait's Friend.

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Cloud: (Hangs up) I just talked to Fei and Bart, they're on their way.

Tifa: Good, we need all the help we can get since we cut that last battle really close.

Cid: Damn right! I couldn't breathe after I shoved my cigarette up the b***h's nose! And I didn't have time to light another one!

Red XIII: But our main problem is when and where we're going to meet them again.

Cait Sith: Try saying that five times fast.

(Vegeta and Goku come crashing through the ceiling)

Goku: We are here!

Tifa (Extremely pissed): EEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!! You bastards had better repair my bar before I rip your d**ks off and shove 'em up YOUR noses!

Vegeta: Yes, ma'am. Come on, Kakarott!

(They repair the damage instantly)

Vincent: By the way, did anyone volunteer to stay with Steve and Cait's Friend?

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

Cait Sith: I'll stay, he is my friend after all.

Dav: I'll remain here as well, I don't want to mess up the battle for you guys again.

Everyone: (Completely shocked that Dav doesn't want to fight)

(Back at the Scouts' base they've all powered-up and are awaiting orders)

Sailor Moon: What are our new orders, Mistress?

Leader: I want you to attack Midgar, that is where their hideout is.

Sailor Saturn: But Mistress, the Shinra army may attack us as well.

Sailor Mercury: It would be pretty tough for any one of us to destroy a whole army.

Leader: I have already anticipated that. Take this with you! (Tosses Sailor Moon a package) If the Shinra attacks, drop this in front of them, it will kill them instantly!

Sailor Pluto: Shouldn't we use it against AVALANCHE?

Leader: No, they're all immune to it, I've tried it already.

Sailor Moon: Fine then, let's go girls!

Sailor Uranus: Oh come on! Sailor Neptune and I were just getting started!

Sailor Neptune: Yeah, we never get to have any fun!

Leader: Get out of here, you f**king lesbos! You're as bad as the Gerudos were! (They leave)

Leader: (Thinking) After tracing AVALANCHE for weeks I was able to watch what all of them have done. And now it has become their weakness.

(The Sailor Scouts fly away again and soon reach Midgar. They commence their attack.)

(In the Shinra building)

Heidegger: Gya ha ha! Mr. President, we're under attack! Gya ha ha!

Rufus: Heidegger, if you don't stop that f**kin' horse laugh I'll take a shot up your @$$!

Scarlet: Kya ha ha! Do it to me Mr. President, that turns me on! Kya ha ha!

Palmer: Get shot, and then I can have your lard! Yummy yummy lard!

Rufus: I'm surrounded by @$$holes!

Author's Note: He just noticed that, people.

Rufus: But anyway, who's attacking?

Heidegger: Some flying schoolgirls in mini-skirts, sir! They're extremely powerful!

Scarlet/Palmer: No s**t, Sherlock!

Rufus: Dispatch the troops!

Tseng: Should we go along as well, sir?

Elena: I don't know about this, Tseng.

Rude: Elena, don't act so weak.

Heidegger: Go and stop them at once!

Rufus: And see if you can bring any of 'em back with you. (Laughs lustfully and notices everyone staring at him) WHAT?!

(Back at the hideout)

Barret: Now we jes wait for da' b***hes to strike!

Cloud: That's the problem, we don't know- (TV turns on by itself and Mike appears)

AVALANCHE: Mike?!

Mike: Whew... am I glad I was able to get you guys again.

Steel: I don't know, are you glad?

Mike: Very funny. Anyway, the Sailor Scouts are attacking Midgar!

Steel: And how would you know?

Mike: I tapped into their leader's communications and overheard their plans, they might be there already! (Ends communication)

Spanky: That pansy didn't tell us who the leader is!

Cloud: All right everyone, let's mosey.

All: Damn! Again! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "move out" or something?!

Cloud: Move out! Are ya happy now?!

Dav: Hey, Steel.

Steel: What?

Dav: Hurt meatball head for me.

Steel: Can do.

(They mosey out of there)

(And back to the Scouts)

Sailor Moon: All right, girls, we've got troops coming in at three o'clock!

Sailor Venus: Great! Then we can relax for an hour!

Sailor Moon: I mean they're coming at us from the right!

Sailor Jupiter: There's a bunch of 'em!

Tseng: There they are men! Open fire!

Troops: Yes sir! (They, of course, open fire)

Sailor Moon: You can't defeat us! I am Sailor Moon! The Champion of Just- (Gets pushed over by Sailor Mars)

Sailor Mars: Are you trying to get yourself killed?!

Sailor Moon: Well it's necessary that I deliver all of my lines!

Sailor Pluto: Just throw the package at 'em!

Sailor Moon: Hey! I'm the commander here!

Sailor Mars: Give me that, you b***h! (Grabs the package) Eat this, you turkeys! (Throws the package at the troops)

Package: (Opens itself up and reveals a mime)

Troops: Oh f**k! A mime!! (Runs for their lives and sanity)

Mime: (Chases them to the Midgar swamp where the Zoloms kill everyone, including the mime)

Sailor Mercury: That IS a pretty scary attack.

(AVALANCHE runs in)

Cloud: Charge!

Cid: Damn! Again?! Stop saying it like such a wimp! Can't you say "attack the f**king b***hes" or something?!

Cloud: Shaddup, Cid!

Sailor Saturn: They're here!

Sailor Moon: Now once again, you fight the Champions of Justice!

Steel: How about this?! Through fire Justice is served! Flare! (Hits Sailor Moon with it)

Sailor Moon: Ah! S**t! Not again! (Rolls around on the ground trying to extinguish the flames)

Goku: It must be embarrassing that the worst member of the group is the title character.

Scouts: It is!

Sailor Moon: (Gets up) Now I will right wrongs and punish stupid pieces of trash like you!

Sailor Mars: Um... Sailor Moon! Can I have a word with you?

Sailor Moon: Sailor Mars, I'm kind of busy here!

Sailor Jupiter: We're supposed to fight as one, remember?!

Sailor Moon: I am one! Eeeeeeerrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!

Sailor Venus: Being second-in-command's gone to your head!

Sailor Neptune: Prima donna!

Sailor Mercury: Shouldn't we discuss this after we take care of them?

Sailor Uranus: No way! I think we're getting tired of this!

Sailor Moon: You can't do this to me! This is mutiny!

Sailor Saturn: All of us are sick of being commanded by a dingbat!

Sailor Moon: Dingbat, huh!? A hothead who burns people's feet off is better-

Sailor Scouts: (Keep arguing on and on)

AVALANCHE: (Doesn't attack since they're laughing their heads off)

Moonlight Knight: (Appears) Sailor Scouts! Your enemy is this group of pussies right here, not each other!

Sailor Mars: It's the Moonlight Knight!

Sailor Moon: No s**t, Sherlock!

Moonlight Knight: I am at your service.

Sailor Jupiter: Cool! Let's go!

(Once again the teams split and a huge battle ensues)

Tifa: (Once again fighting Sailor Mars, but this time with Spanky) This time you die, b***h!

Sailor Mars: Yeah right, I've been ready for this all my life!

Spanky: You mean this, right?! (Gives her a huge wedgie)

Sailor Mars: Hey! No fair!

Spanky: Enjoy being constipated for a week! She's all yours, Tifa! (Looks for another target)

Sailor Mars: Oh poopy...

Tifa: That's definitely something you won't do for a while.

Sailor Jupiter: (Fighting Vegeta) JUPITER THUNDER CRASH!!!

Vegeta: (Deflects the lightning bolt) Weak b***h! Die! (Blows her across the sector) Ha! The Saiyans prevail again!

Goku: Speak for yourself, Vegeta! Kao Cannon times... 500!! (Lets it loose)

Sailor Saturn: SILENCE WALL!! (Blocks the blast)

Goku: Ah, crap!

Cid: Saiyan pussy! (Shoves his spear up Sailor Saturn's @$$)

Sailor Saturn: Ah s**t! My @$$! My @$$! My f**kin' @$$!

Scouts: (Completely shocked at Sailor Saturn's language)

Cloud: (Fighting Sailor Mercury again) This time Dav's not here to distract this!

Sailor Mercury: I'd worry more about yourself! My most lethal weapon is my brain!

Cloud: HA! OMNI-

Sailor Mercury: SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!! (Freezes Cloud and moves on)

Cloud: slash..? POOPY!

Sailor Venus: Time to begin where I left off!

Vincent: I don't think so! For I am CHAOS!! (Transforms)

Sailor Venus: Uh oh... (Runs like hell)

Vincent: Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!! (Chases Sailor Venus around again)

Barret: (Sees Cloud frozen) You foo' Cloud!

Cloud: Why don't you shut the hell up and get me outta here?!

Steel: Here you go, Cloud. Fire! (Thaws Cloud)

Sailor Uranus: Ha! Got all three of you!

Barret: Tough s**t, b***h! (Holds up his gun-arm)

Sailor Uranus: AH! (Holds up her arms as if to block)

Barret: (Shoots out a large flag with "BANG!" printed on it)

Sailor Uranus: (Lowers her arms) Huh?!

Barret: Foo'd you! (Punches her across the road)

Steel: Pretty nasty left hook there, Barret.

Sailor Pluto: (Fighting Aeris) I can wield a better staff than you any day!

Aeris: No teenage prostitute has the power to match an Ancient!

Sailor Pluto: Yeah, Ancient b***h!

Tifa: (Knocks Sailor Mars down) Hey! Only I can call her that, whore! (Performs her chain of Limit Breaks on Sailor Pluto)

Sailor Pluto: (Gets blown across Midgar)

Spanky: Tifa's attack had the most power so far.

Sailor Neptune: Time for the tide to turn! DEEP SUBMERGE!! (Forms a tidal wave)

Red XIII: Yes! I've wanted to try this new Limit Break! FARTICATOR!! (Lets out his biggest fart ever and turns the tidal wave around)

Sailor Neptune: Oh... crud. (Gets knocked out)

Moonlight Knight: I, the Moonlight Knight, have vowed never to let anyone destroy the earth's eternal song!

Barret: 'Dat so?!

Cloud: Earmuff alert!

AVALANCHE: (Puts earmuffs on)

Barret: (Starts singing) Y-M-C-A!

Moonlight Knight: Oh s**t! How can one sing so badly?! I can't take it anymore! (Runs away)

Barret: (Stops singing)

AVALANCHE: (Takes the earmuffs off)

Sailor Moon: Time for someone to do something right around here! (Another rose falls)

Tuxedo Mask: (Appears) Sailor Mercury! Freeze them all!

Sailor Moon: Ga-ga-ga-ga-ga... (Stares at Tuxedo Mask)

Sailor Mercury: Good idea!

AVALANCHE: Oh, f**k!

Sailor Mercury: DOUBLE MERCURY ICE STORM BLaaaaaaaahhhh!! (Gets kicked in the back and knocked over)

Fei: We are here, Cloud!

Bart: Too bad, we missed most of the fun.

Tuxedo Mask: Sailor Venus! Use your power!

Sailor Venus: (Jumps away from Vincent) VENUS LOVE ME CHAIN ENCIRCLE!! (Hits Cid with it)

Cid: D-uh...

Tifa: CID!!

Tuxedo Mask: Now we must withdraw! (Disappears)

Sailor Moon: D-uh... okay. (Flies away)

Goku: Isn't that something you do in a bank?

Vegeta: He means "run away", Kakarott!

Sailor Venus: Ha! If you want him back, come to our base! (Flies away with Cid)

Sailor Mercury: (Gets up) We'll pay you back! (Takes off)

Bart: (Cracks his whip, wraps it around Sailor Mercury's ankles, and pulls her down) Tough luck, b***h!

Sailor Mercury: Ahhh! Rats... (Gets knocked out on impact)

Sailor Mars: They've got Sailor Mercury!

Sailor Jupiter: So? We've got one of theirs! Let's get out of here for now! (They fly away)

Sailor Pluto: (Finally arrives back at Sector 7) Ohhhh... I wanted to rip them out of time!

Sailor Saturn: You'll get that chance later! Let's go! (They fly away)

Sailor Uranus: All right, when we get back we'll have some fun!

Sailor Neptune: Hell yeah! (They fly away)

Barret: Awright! We win again!

Everyone: (Does his/her victory dance)

Aeris: But what are we going to do? They took Cid!

Fei: That's okay, we have one of theirs as well. (Gestures at Sailor Mercury)

Bart: And besides, do we care that they took Cid?

Spanky: Not really.

Cloud: Let's get back to the hideout.

Everyone: (Expects to hear Cid make on of his "Damn! Again?!" comments)

Steel: Looks like this is going to take a while to get used to.

Red XIII: No s**t, Sherlock.

(Back at the hideout, Dav and Cait Sith are playing Poker)

Dav: I'll call your bet and raise you... 100 gil.

Cait Sith: All right, give me three cards.

Dav: (Gives him the cards) One for the dealer.

Cait Sith: Ha! I've got a full house!

Dav: Too bad. Feel the power of my... ROYAL FLUSH!

Cait Sith: Oh poopy...

Dav: Another game?

Cait Sith: Naw, we'd better see what those two clowns upstairs are up to.

(They head upstairs)

Cait's Friend: (Licking up the few remaining puddles of tequila) Tequila man!

Steve: (Reading a porno mag) Babes!

Dav: Everything's normal up here.

Bob: (Flies in) There you are! (Points at Steve)

Steve: Babes!

Cait/Dav: Who the hell are you?!

Bob: I am BOB! The Son of Sephiroth! (Points at Steve again) And he stole my porno mag.

Steve: Babes!

Cait Sith: Bob huh? Let me think... Yeah, I remember you!

Author's Note: Bob first appears in Cait's Insanity 1+1 by Cait Sith.

Dav: The SON of Sephiroth? Where is old mako-for-brains anyway?

Bob: Well, Dad suddenly had a desire to conquer Hawaii and rule it with an iron fist, so that's what he's doing now.

Cait Sith: Well, you tell him that he's made a big mistake!

Bob: What do you mean?

Dav: By having you as a son! (Kicks Bob out of the bar)

(In Hawaii)

Sephiroth: I am Sephiroth! You will all bow down before me!

Everybody: (Not even paying attention)

Sephiroth: (Whining) Oh come on! Bow down! Pretty please... Fine then, I'll conquer Wyoming instead.

An old lady: Say! Aren't you the Sephiroth who wanted to destroy the world with METEOR?

Sephiroth: Yeah, why?

Old lady: Because since then I've always wanted to do THIS! (Kicks him in the nuts)

Sephiroth (High-pitched voice): AAAAHHHHH!! My twinkies!

Old lady: Hey everyone! Let's get the weird bastard!

Crowd: YEAH!!

Sephiroth: Oh crud... (Starts to run away, trips over a root, slams head-first into a palm tree, gets hit on the head by several falling coconuts, thrown into the ocean by the crowd, stung by jellyfish and bitten by sharks, thrown across the island by a forming tidal wave, and lands in a volcano.)

Volcano: (Explodes and throws Sephiroth off the earth and propels him toward the sun.)

Sephiroth: S***************************T!! (Gets turned into crispy crunchies)

(Back at the hideout the fighting team has just returned)

Cait Sith: So how was it?

Vegeta: It sucked, I didn't get to blow any of 'em into another dimension!

Aeris: Don't worry Vegeta, I'll make it better.

Vegeta: Hell yeah!

Red XIII: Other than that they got Cid.

Dav: Well that's a maximum suckage!

Cloud: The good news is we got one of them also.

Cait/Dav: Who?!

Bart: This one. (Pushes Sailor Mercury in)

Sailor Mercury: (With her hands tied behind her back) Hey!

Dav: (Turns veeeeeeeery pale)

Fei: Get in there! (Pushes her into a closet)

Goku: So what are we going to do with her?

Cloud: Well, first I'm going to find out where their base is.

Cait Sith: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Tifa: Then afterwards?

Vincent: Can I cut her in two with my chainsaw?

Barret: If she don't help us get Cid outta da b***hes' base, you can kill her, Vince.

Cloud: I'll be back. (Opens the closet and pushes Sailor Mercury over to a nearby abandoned warehouse.)

Steel: While we wait for Cloud, how about a game of Smash Bros.?

Spanky: Good idea. You coming Vegeta?

Vegeta: (Takes his tongue out of Aeris' throat) Just a minute. (Shoves it back in)

Goku: I'll play for him.

Steel: Sweet! Now where's Dav?

Dav: (Has slipped out unnoticed)

Spanky: He'll turn up somewhere.

Fei: Let me try the game. Come on, Bart, I'll need a coach.

Bart: In a minute, will ya! (Cracks his whip) Back! You're not getting my case of "Bartweiser"!

Cait's Friend: Tequila man!

(In the warehouse)

Algus: Where is the Marquis?!

Gustav: ...

Algus: (Kicks him in the face) Talk, you bastard!

Delita: Enough, Algus!

Ramza: He's a human just like us!

Algus: Anyone who sinks this low is a piece of trash! Where's the Marquis?! (Punches Gustav) TALK!!

Gustav: "Sand Rat Cellar." Now just remember that we're only taking back what you stole from us!

Algus: Bastard! Don't talk s**t to me!

Delita: Algus!

Ramza: "Sand Rat Cellar?" That's in the Zeklaus Desert.

Cloud: (Walks in) No s**t, Sherlock! Now get out of here, you've got the info you need! It's my turn to interrogate someone!

Ramza: Hey Cloud, where'd you get a hot chick like that?

Cloud: OUT! Before I tell Dav where you are!

Delita: I'm going I'm going! (Runs out)

Ramza: Delita, you coward! Come back here! I will not disgrace my family! (Runs after him)

Algus: Idiots! (Walks out dragging Gustav behind him)

Cloud: (Pushes Sailor Mercury onto the floor) Now, where's Cid!?

Sailor Mercury: Go bleach your roots, creep!

Cloud: (Backhands her) Where's Cid! Talk, b***h!

Dav: (Is crouched on a ceiling beam, watching, waiting)

Sailor Mercury: I don't know any Cids!

Cloud: (Backhands her again) The Cid who your b***h friend took! Now where are they?!

Dav: (Is getting pissed)

Sailor Mercury: They're at our base where our leader will take care of him!

Cloud: Now where's your base?!

Sailor Mercury: ...

Cloud: WHERE'S YOUR BASE, YOU WHORE!? (Punches her)

Dav: (Getting angrier)

Sailor Mercury: It's on this planet!

Cloud: Where on this planet!? (Kicks her in the stomach)

Sailor Mercury: (Has the wind knocked out of her)

Cloud: WHERE ON THIS PLANET!? (Picks her up by her hair and punches her again)

Dav: (Getting angrier)

Sailor Mercury: On land!

Cloud: GIVE ME THE EXACT LOCATION!! (Rams his shoulder guard into her face and lets her fall)

Dav: (Extremely pissed)

Sailor Mercury: (Bleeding in several places on her face and has tears in her eyes) It's on an island south of Hyrule...

Cloud: About f**king time! Now, who's your leader?! Tell me, b***h!

Sailor Mercury: ...

Cloud: WHO'S YOUR LEADER!? (Kicks her in the face)

Sailor Mercury: Her name is-

Dav: (Jumps down and kicks Cloud from behind)

Cloud: Dav! What the f**king hell are you doing!?

Dav: Something I thought I'd never do before now! (Puts Cloud in a hammerlock)

Cloud: Ah s**t! My beating arm!

Dav: (Picks up a rock and hits Cloud on the head)

Cloud: (Is knocked unconscious)

Sailor Mercury: Dav? Why are YOU helping me?

Dav: (Unties her hands) Because I can.

Sailor Mercury: That's not it.

Dav: I have my reasons. Now come on, let's get out of here!

Sailor Mercury: I appreciate your concern, but I can barely walk. (Takes a few steps and collapses) And even if you could get me out of here, you'd never be able to protect me.

Dav: I'll protect you.

Sailor Mercury: (Looks at him)

Dav: You have my word. (Thinks) Locke, this is exactly how you got started!

Sailor Mercury: But we're trapped in here, if we use the main entrance your friends will see us.

Dav: Not a problem. (Draws Atma Weapon and cuts a hole in the back wall) Can you fly right now?

Sailor Mercury: I doubt it, it took all of my strength to stand that beating.

Dav: I thought as much. I know of a refuge where you can recover. Come on, lean on me and we'll get out of here.

(They quickly make their way to the Sector 7 train station where Dav has his gold chocobo, Jessika, waiting)

Sailor Mercury: Oh! What's that?

Dav: This is my gold chocobo. Say "hello", Jessika.

Jessika: Wark!

Dav: Look at that, she likes you. (Climbs on) Get on behind me.

Sailor Mercury: A-all right. (Climbs on)

Dav: Let's go to Round Island, Jessika!

Jessika: Wark! (Starts running)

Dav: I never get tired of this!

Sailor Mercury: Woah! (Hangs onto Dav)

(They quickly leave Midgar and head for the ocean)

Sailor Mercury: (Gasps) You're headed straight for the water!

Dav: I know, watch.

Jessika: (Starts running on the water)

Dav: (Feels himself getting squeezed tighter) I take it this is your first time on a chocobo?

Sailor Mercury: Just please don't drop me!

(Dav and Sailor Mercury head for Round Island in order for Sailor Mercury to rest)

(At the Scouts' base)

Serena: Good news Mistress! We managed to capture one from the AVALANCHE team!

Leader: Who is it?

Serena: He says his name is "Cid Highwind and that b***hes like us should go back to hell where we f**king belong!"

Leader: Yeah, that's Cid all right. Bring him in here!

Serena: Bring him in here, girls!

Mina: How do you ask?

Lita: Slave driver!

Serena: EEEEEERRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!! Would you please bring the prisoner in here?

Mina: That's better.

Susan/Heather: (Push Cid into the leader's chamber)

Cid: So, you're the top b***h?! What the hell do you f**king want with me?!

Leader: You don't recognize me. Do you, Cid?

Cid: Shera? Is that you?!

Leader EEEERRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!! NO, I AM NOT SHERA, YOU OLD BASTARD!!

Cid: (Thinking) Whew, a reprieve. (Speaks) Then who the f**king hell are you?!

Leader: I'll show you. (Turns her chair around to reveal...)

Cid: YUFFIE?!

Yuffie: 'Bout time, old man. It was I who took over the Sailor Scouts, and it is I who is going to take over the world with bad fanfics!

Cid: (Is so shocked he can't cuss)

Yuffie: Yes! Soon the world will be mine! Mwahahahahahah-

Serena: Uh... Mistress?

Yuffie: What is it, Serena?!

Serena: It's time for the intermission, you don't say that line until part two.

Yuffie: Oh...

And so it is revealed that Yuffie was somehow resurrected after Dav killed her last time. And Dav has betrayed his friends to help the enemy! And poor Cid! Shocked so much not to be able to cuss! The conclusion to AVALANCHE vs. Sailor Moon after this brief intermission.