Final
Fantasy7: Search for the HOLY Materia
A senseless parody of some sort or another.
By Sephiroth Zero
The mist rests silently over the ground as the sounds
of chocobo claws are heard in the distance. Slowly emerging from the mist
strides a yellow spiked hair figure with armor and sword quickly follow
by a fat guy with a red bandana on his head and also had two empty pieces
of coconut, hitting them together. The two strangers march across the valley
till they reach the top of a nearby hill, stopping as they reach the top.
Spying a strange settlement built within the nearby canyons, the two quickly
make their way to it.
"Who goes there?" the gatekeeper barks as the two
climb the step to the gate of the settlement.
"'Tis I." the lead figure replies taking a dramatic
pose.
"Come again?" the gatekeeper, asks scratching his
head.
Pouting, the figure growls, "Why do I have to do
this stupid accent, I speaking normal now." Muttering a few words that
could never be seen on print, he said, "I am Cloud Strife, King of whatever
this world is called."
"King?" the gatekeeper questions curiously.
"Yes, my servant Wedge and I have rode through the
falls of something, to seek the finest individual in this pathetic excuse
of a fanfiction." Cloud answers as spotlight appears over him and strange
music starts to play.
"You're no king." the gatekeeper retorts and causes
the special effect to go away.
"Of course I am," Cloud responds holding up a crown,
"see I even have a crown."
"Idiot, this is the modern era." the gatekeeper
snaps as Cloud tosses the crown away. "There are only corporations now,
there is no need for any monarchy government to exist." the gatekeeper
continues as Cloud starts to boil with rage. "Besides," he continue on,
"what kind of Kings pretend that they are riding chocobo by hitting two
empty coconuts together."
"Well I really don't care," Cloud mutters as he
attempts to calm down, "I wish to speak your leader."
"How did you become king anyway?" the gatekeeper
ask.
"By the will of the ancient prophecy, I slew the
dread ULTIMATE WEAPON and ripped free from its cracked chest, the Ultimate
Weapon." Cloud reply triumphantly. "With the sword in the hand it was proof
that I'm the true king of this world." Cloud snap at the end.
"People throwing around strange prophesies, killing
giant bosses and ripping swords out of dead thing's chest are no basis
to create a government by." the gatekeeper cry.
"Shut up!" Cloud growl.
"You can't wield supreme executive power just cause
you kill some big beast and found a sword in its chest!" the gatekeeper
complains.
"Just shut up!" Cloud scream pulling his hair.
"In a moment," the gatekeeper says, "you see
through the use of democracy government the classes are more easily compensate
for the structural class dilemma."
"Oh please not your stupid class system again."
A resident cry from one of the building window. As the two start to get
into a heated debate, Cloud signals for Wedge to go.
Meanwhile in the sector 7 of Midgar, a man
in laboratory coat came strolling down the street of Wall Street. In front
of him was a bunch of lab assistants pushing a cart full of people in it.
Holding out a megaphone he yells, "Bring out your
living deprived! Bring out your living deprived!"
"Here's one." A thug said as he carries a struggling
fat crime boss.
"Great!" Hojo says as the thug dumps the body on
the cart.
"Idiots I'm not dead yet!" Corneo scream.
"What?" Hojo asks examining Corneo. "Excuse me,
but your donation claims it's not dead." Hojo says as he faces the thug.
"He isn't?" the thug gasps as he and Hojo stare
at the squirming Corneo. "Guess he is alive," the thug mutters as he scratches
his head, "I was sure I killed him, come on we gave him enough poison in
his wine to kill the Ruby Weapon."
Shrugging Hojo reply, "We better fix it then." Hojo
look around as he pulls out a gun and shoots Corneo in the head. "Anyway
thanks for the donation." Hojo says as he puts the gun away and signal
for the cart to continue.
In a distant forest on the other side of their world,
Cloud and Wedge trudge deeply through the forest that shall remain nameless.
In the distance they could here the sounds of a heated battle as the scream
of two battling fighter could be heard. As they push their way through
some shrubbery as they saw two warrior duke it out before a bridge crossing
the river. One of the warrior was dressed in a black suit of chain mail
with black sunglasses shining as bright as his forehead. The other was
a fat guy wearing some sort military uniform with a horsy laugh.
"Looks like Rude and Heideggar." Wedge comment as
he watches the two fight. Rude seems to have the clear advantage over the
fight as he nimbly dodge all of Heideggar's attack. Ducking below one of
Heideggar's attack, Rude drove his fist right through the old fart chest
and out the end. Cloud and Wedge grimace and shudder at the
sight, including when Rude pulls it out. Shaking his head in forbearing
Cloud trudge forward to Rude, who took silent station on the bridge.
"Well, you know who I am don't you, mighty yet quite
disgusting way of killing people knight." Cloud says as he stares at Rude's
bloodstain gloves.
"..."
"Well I'm King Cloud and I seek the finest individuals
to heed my call to Nibelhiem." Cloud continues as Rude just stare at him.
"..."
"Will you join me, O Black Knight?" Cloud asks as
Rude still stare at him.
"..."
"I guess the budget could afford a speaking role
for you, eh?" Cloud reply letting out a chuckle.
"..."
"You make me sad, come on let's go." Cloud says
as he signals for Wedge to go on.
"None shall pass." Rude bark at Cloud as he try
to pass him.
"Well they did give you a speaking role." Cloud
says astonish.
"None shall pass." Rude continues.
"I'll hurt you if you don't get out of my way."
Cloud threatens Rude.
Looking Cloud square back in the eye, Rude sneer,
"Then you will die."
Rolling his eye, Cloud mutter, "I'm the main character,
it won't be much of story if I die."
"Maybe they are trying a new approach?" Rude
reply shrugging before entering a fighting stance.
"Let's get this over with." Cloud mutter as he pulls
out the Ultimate Weapon from his sheath. "Hey this is going to get ugly,
let's go to an interlude." Cloud mutter as he charges at Rude.
Vincent sits quietly on a bench as he read a Manuel
on how to deal with personal losses. When suddenly ...
We interrupt this INTERLUDE to annoy you and make things generally
irritating for you.
...an explosion rocks the bench as red lion and a ninja girl came running
up to him.
"Nobody expects a Wutia inquisition." Yuffie laugh
hideously out loud.
"Letting out a sigh, Vincent put down the Manuel
and shot Yuffie and Red 13 dead. Sitting back done he went on reading the
Manuel as, Red 13 and Yuffie bodies occasionally twitches.
(Author Note: Yuffie and Red 13 has been promptly sack for interfering
with the Interlude story.)
"Hahahahaha! Nobody expects a Wutia inquisition!"
Yuffie laugh as she runs off with a bag full of materia.
(Author Note: Those responsible for sacking Yuffie have been promptly
sack and the hounds have been release after Yuffie. Thank you for your
patience.)
"Oh had enough?" Rude sneer at Cloud.
"The state of health you're in, you pose me no threat."
Cloud reply as he walks away.
"It's just a flesh wound." Rude retort back.
Putting his sword back in its sheath Cloud reply,
"If you didn't notice you have no arms or legs left to fight."
Rude mutter, "Well you could pick me up so I can
bite you."
"I rather not and besides I find this totally disgusting."
Cloud mutter as he cross the bridge with Wedge close behind him.
"Yo Cloud," Wedge yell as he look in the strategy
guide for the fanfic, "you could have stolen some really good armor from
Rude if you had the steal materia."
"Nah, I rather just beat him." Cloud complains as
they left Rude in the distance.
Sitting there, Rude yell, "I want a better part
in this fanfic!"
In the nearby town of Rocket Town or No. 26, the
Numbers were parading down the streets. All chanting some weird thing out
loud as one of them drop dead as they take a pause for breather. To say
the least there's a lot of corpses on the ground. Meanwhile the town was
in a uproar as a mob charge to the head of town.
"Yeah, what is it?" Cid mutters as he stuck his
head out of his house.
"We found a witch!" the mob cry as they shove a
brown hair girl with white materia tied to her hair in front of him.
"I'm not a witch." Aeris cry back at the crowd.
"She's a witch, so go do what you do with a witch,"
Cid mutter to the mob as he turn back to his house, "Shera where's the
bloody tea and how come I can't swear?"
"Greeting one, who is so wise in the ways of whatever
your wise in." Cloud says as he walks up to Cid.
"Yeah and who are you?" Cid snaps as he took a sip
his tea.
"I'm King Cloud Strife of Nibelhiem, I seek the
finest individual this miserable plot can offer me." Cloud responds to
Cid.
"Normally I would swear back at you, but then I
rather have this thing over with as soon as possible." Cid grumbles as
he threw the teacup back into the house. "Shera, I'm going out for awhile."
Cid yells into the house before he left with Cloud.
And so Sir Cid the slightly Wise joins with King
Cloud, but he was one of many honorable if not ridiculous people to join.
Sir Sephiroth the Brave and slightly psychotic of them all. Sir Zack the
Pure yet the only one that has a girlfriend in the group ("Shera doesn't
count!" Cid bark.). Sir Reno the not as brave as Sir Sephiroth, who
was not as nearly drunk, and who personally wet himself during the Pillar
of Sector 7 attack. As also Sir namely dubbed Not appearing in this fic
to spite you all. Together they form a group, whose name and deeds
would rather be forgotten by most modest people, the Knights of the Square
Table.
"Behold my knights," Cloud says pointing toward
the mountains in the distance, "our home, Nibelhiem."
"Nibelhiem." Sephiroth says.
"Nibelhiem." Zack says.
"Aw shut up." Cid snaps as he light himself another
cigarette.
"Come let us ride now to Nibelhiem!" Cloud announces
as they walk to the town, while each of their servants' bang two empty
coconut together. As they approach the town, a strange aroma starts to
fill their nostrils.
"Hey want to test my cooking?" Elena asks as she
came running toward them with a cake and dress in a chef suit.
"Run away! Run away!" they all scream as they caught
sight of her and turn tail and run. Sir Reno personally screaming in a
high tense several decimal too high tone.
Taking refuge in the mountain pass of Nibelhiem
Range, the knights rest as they plan their next move. Several ideas flying
around as they continue to ponder.
"How about we find the Black Materia and summon
a big meteor to destroy all evil!" Sephiroth laugh hideously. "What?" he
asks as everyone gave him the weird look.
"King Cloud..."
Everyone look up as the face of an bald old man
with black glasses and a beard appear from the cloud above them.
"King Cloud..."
"What is it, strange being who has appear out of
the cloud?" Cloud asks as he stares at the head.
"Hohohohohoho!" the head laugh as it stare down
at hem. "King Cloud, you will have a quest to make you and your a knight
a disgrace to the people." Bunganen said.
"Hey!" they cry.
"You must find the HOLY materia, for it is you sacred
duty to find it." Bunganen continue as the image of a white materia appears
next to him. "That is your quest, the quest for the HOLY materia." Bunganen
announce before he vanishes into the clouds.
Pondering the recent events, Cloud announce, "Since
none of us know where the this HOLY materia, I believe it is best if we
slip up into group. Cid and I will take the Highwind and search the southern
island. Zack take the Buggy and search the desert below the Golden Saucer
where the Ruby Weapon is waiting there to kill you. Reno takes the Little
Bronco and scourges the island of Wutia for any clue. Sephiroth you search
the western continent with no essential mean of transportation."
"That was a mouthful." Cid comments after Cloud
was done dictating the plan.
"Shut up," Cloud growls, "everyone clear on the
orders?"
"Right!" the other knights agree as they all left
on their separate task at hand.
Well that's the end of the beginning segment to
this parody. I'll now separate the story to each of the individual knights'
quest and then eventually bring them all together for the end. And whom
are we going to write about first... Sephiroth!