A Valentine’s Day Story
 

One day, Cupid was flying around, as this particular day was Valentine’s Day.  Cupid
was bored and wanted to shoot someone with his love arrows.  After a while of flying around,
Cupid finally landed in the Crater, where Sephiroth and Cloud were facing off.

Sephiroth: You’ll never beat me, Cloud Strife!

Cloud: (Draws sword) Yes I will, you pussy!  And I’m gonna make you pay for killing Aeris, so
prepare to die!!!

Cupid scratches his head in disappointment and thought:

Cupid: (thinking) It’s Valentine’s Day for crying out loud,, these two shouldn’t be fighting! But
I’ll fix that up in no time!(pulls out arrows) With my pink friendship arrows, these two
will be best pals in no time!

However, little does Cupid know that he accidentally pulls out his hot-red love arrows.  He shoots one at Sephiroth and Cloud, hitting them straight in the @$$.

Cloud: Ugh, damn......

Sephiroth: Shit........

After rubbing their butts, they look at each other, feeling very loving.

Cloud: Oh, my, Sephiroth..........

Sephiroth: Huh?  Cloud, you look so damn handsome......

Cloud:   Sephy, poo........my Sephy-poo....

Sephiroth: My Cloudsy-woudsy-poo....come....

Cupid: Goddamn, now this is getting @&*% ugly...

Cloud: (drops sword) Sephiroth, my love, come let us be together....

Sephiroth: Yes, my dear hot bunned Cloudsy-woudsy....(drops sword and carries Cloud off)
      Let us go to your room and........

Cupid flies the &@#$ out of there as they begin to mush talk about you-know-what.
 
Cupid later stops at Wutai where Vincent, Yuffie, Red XIII and Cait Sith are gathered.

Cupid: Hmm....what have we here?

Vincent is sighing miserably.

Vincent: <sigh>. It’s Valentine’s Day and I don’t have a Valentine.  Why won’t anyone bother
   to notice me?

Yuffie: Maybe because women don’t exactly dig vampires and vampires <Suck>! Get it?

Vincent:....I don’t see you with a boyfriend, miss hot-shot wanna-be!

Yuffie: HMPH!

Vincent: Hmph!

Cupid: (to himself) it looks like they belong to each other. It’s perfect!  They will both have lovers for today!(pulls out arrows and shoots Vincent and Yuffie.) That should do it!

Unfortunately, Vincent was hit by the wrong arrow.  In an instant, Vincent transformed into a
super-hunk.  His long black hair was tied back and he wore a tight muscle shirt and tight jeans.
He began to dirty dance to music(that came from nowhere: you know how all that crap works) that was fast.  Then the fun part began–the music began playing “I’m too sexy”. Vincent started to sing.

Vincent: (still dancing) I’m...too sexy for a shirt....too sexy for a shirt.....too sexy and it hurts!
 
Cupid : SHIIIT.....I shot him with a red-orange super horney arrow....oops...

Vincent: (turns to Yuffie) Hey there, sexy, wanna dance?

Yuffie, on the other hand, was shot with the love arrow.

Yuffie: OOOO, VINCENT, BABY!!!

She runs to him and clings to him like syrup over pancakes. They both began to dance dirty.

Vincent: I’m....to sexy for my car....to sexy for my car.....too sexy.....

Red XIII: Umm...what the hell happened here?  Hey Cait Sith, lets get outta here, there’s nothing
     to do...

Cait Sith: Yeah, and miss author here doesn’t want to give us a part in the story!
 
Doro: That’s because you all suck!

RedXIII: So?  We’re all FF7 characters, so we deserve some spotlight!

Doro:...................

Cait Sith: yeah, you know were right! So give in already!

Doro: You want a part in the story?

Cait and Red: YES!!

Doro: You REALLY want a part? OK.

Cait and Red: Yeah!! Cool!!

Doro: Heh, heh heh heh heh.......

Cupid follows RedXIII and Cait Sith outside.

Cupid: Hmm, maybe I should make these two fall in love.

Cupid attempt to aim his love arrow at RedXIII but instead it hits Pepe Le Pew, the famous skunk, who was passing by at the moment. Pepe Le Pew turns and looks at Red XIII with love.

Pepe Le Pew: ooooh, and what have we here? Eez this a vision of loooove?

Red XIII: ...........shit...........

Pepe Le Pew: Come to me, mon ami, let us start a brand new life in ze beautiful Paris......

Red XIII runs faster than the speed of light while Pepe Le Pew follows, hopping the way he usually does when he is chasing the female cat.

Pepe Le Pew: I will find you my loooove........!!!!!

Poor Red XIII.

Cait Sith: okay, so where is my part in the story?

Just then, Lara Croft pulls a gun on Cait Sith and shoots him.  The robot cat falls dead.

Lara: Heh, heh, Happy Valentine’s Day, Cat! Courtesy of Lara Croft, fastest sharpest shooter
         around!
 
Doro: Don’t think you’ve won, Lara.  Cause I really hate Tomb Raider games.

Lara: Then why’d the hell you put me here, giving good parts to me?

Doro: You’ll see....

Lara: What?!  I am the fastest, sharpest shooter around, so don’t insult me!

At that time, Vincent (Who momentarily recovers) comes and shoots Lara.  She dies.

Vincent: Wrong!  I , Vincent Valentine, am the sharpest fastest wielder of a gun! HA HA!
   Now......back to my song.....I’m....too sexy for a shirt....to sexy......

BACK TO THE STORY.

Cupid flew into Rocket Town.  He noticed Cid Highwind was sitting down, making a valentine for someone.  A young woman comes in the kitchen, wringing her hands.  Apparently, it was
Shera, who was trying to come up with a way to tell Cid about her feelings for him.

Shera: Cid, I.........

Cid: (Hiding Valentine) Uh,....what do you want? I’m uh, busy......

Shera: What’s that you’re hiding?

Cid: N....Nothing....

Cupid: Well.....looks like these two need to confess! They need my help! (Pulls out arrows and
shoots them both.) Hope I don’t mess up this time..

Unfortunately, he did.  This time, he shot Shera with a another super horney arrow.

Cupid: Ooops, heh heh at least she won’t have any trouble in telling him how she feels alright!

Shera: Cid, dear.......

Cid: What! I said I was busy, damn it!

Cid was apparently not affected by the love arrow, as he was already in love with her.

Shera: (unbuttons blouse) You know what I’ve always wanted, right?

Cid: uh.....no?

 She moves very close to him.

Shera: (unfastening skirt) I’ve always wanted something very special from you, you know.....

Cid: (Petrified, sweating, and nervous as hell!) Wh...what do you want...

Shera: (wearing only underwear and bra) I want you.......

Cid:......HOT DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNN!!!!! Lord, your not the
sweet Shera I know....but hey, I like this a lot!

Shera pulls up Cid, kisses him and tosses him in the bedroom.

Cid:.....a little demanding aren’t we? Slow down woman!

Shera: (tosses him on the bed) What’s the matter......don’t you want me?

Cid: @%*^*^% HELL YEAH! I’ve asked you a million times to do it with me, but you always
said you wanted to wait till you married.

Shera: (gets on top of Cid) Not today, my boy, today.....your all mine.........

Cid: You bet!!

Cupid quickly flies out of the room as they begin to do their business.
He flies around and reaches Nibelheim, where Tifa and Barett are laughing and joking.

Cupid: I’ll give this one more shot...

Cupid shot two blue arrows at Tifa and Barett.

Cupid: There!  These two make a good couple, always laughing and joking....

Cupid can never win.  Just as he said that, Barett looked at Tifa in disgust.

Barett: Waddya lookin’ at, hoodrat...

Tifa: What? You @#$* nigga!!!!

Barett: RUMBLE!!

Tifa and Barett begin to kick each others’ ass.

Cupid: Damn...I shot them with my hate arrows....man, @%^* this shit, nothing went right today.  I’m outta here!
 
Cupid flew out of the Earth quickly.  Once in space, he didn’t notice a hungry Bahamut ZERO flying by.  Bahamut ZERO opens his mouth and eats up poor cupid.  As he flies back to the
planet satisfied, he lets out a small fart.

Back on Earth, the arrows’ magic begins to wear off, due to Cupid’s death. Tifa and Barett stare
at each other.

Tifa: Huh?  Barett, why is my foot up your ass?

Barett: Dunno...Why is my fist on your jaw?

Tifa: Dunno.....why are we even kicking each others’ ass?

Barett: Dunno....anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day, to my best pal!

Tifa: same to you, buddy!!

The two begin to hug.  Aww, how sweet.

Back at Rocket Town, Shera opened her eyes to see Cid nibbling at her breast.  She screams.

Cid: (alarmed): Damnit, what’s wrong?  Did it hurt?

Shera: What are you doing to me Cid Highwind?  Did I not tell you that I wanted to wait till I’m
married?

Cid: HEY!  It was you who got all horney and demanding that I @*^(& you, woman!

Shera: I did not! (Sees blood on sheets). Ouch, you didn’t have to be so hard on me!

Cid: Whadya @#$% expect, you were a virgin.  It happens!

Shera: (gets up to change sheets) How do you know?

Cid: I read it somewhere!!!

Shera: Uh huh, sure. Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day...I Lo.....

Cid: You too, baby...I love you Shera.

Shera: (Goes back to bed.) I love you too Cid Highwind. Hey, lets stay like this...only this time
you could go a little slower.

Cid: If you say so....I’ll go slow...for you....
 
The rest of their morning and afternoon was spent in bed.

Back at Wutai, Vincent (still dancing and singing to “I’m too sexy”) came too his senses.

Vincent: Eh– What the hell(music from nowhere stops playing).  Why am I dressed like this?
   This is definitely not my style!!

Yuffie, who was all over Vincent came to her senses as well.

Yuffie: EEK!  What the hell—why am I all over the son of Dracula!!!!

Vincent:.........Dracula’s son is Alucard, you uneducated little illiterate brat!

Yuffie:.........oh yeah.............

Vincent: Dumb ass.

They both began to laugh at Yuffie’s mistake.

Yuffie: Happy Valentine’s Day Vincent!

Vincent: Never thought I’d be saying this but...you too Yuff.

Elsewhere, Red XIII is panting and panting

RedXIII: I hope I lost that Damn skunk...

He looks around and sees no one.

RedXIII: Ha Ha.  That’s what I thought, miss author, I get a good ending after all! (Laughs)

At that time, two black stinky arms hugged Red XIII so hard that he turns from red to blue.  Indeed, it was the skunk, Pepe Le Pew.

Pepe Le Pew: At last I have found you my love....now we can live happily ever after in Paris
and..........

Red XIII: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! (Somehow manages to break from Pepe Le Pew’s grasp and
    runs.)

Pepe Le Pew: (begins to hop after Red XIII).  I will find you my loooove!  You cannot hide from
meeeeee!!!

Poor Red XIII will be running for the rest of eternity.
 
Doro: Heh heh heh heh.....Happy Valentine’s Day, Red!!

Back in Cloud’s home, Sephiroth is about to plant a big wet kiss on Cloud when the arrow magic wore off. Cloud looks up a Sephiroth.

Cloud: (Pushes Sephiroth across the room).  Goddamn, I don’t do that gay shit, man!

Sephiroth: @#$% you man, I ain’t trying to hit on your nasty ass!! It’s Valentine’s Day, and
      I got other shit to do so, I’ll come and get you another day!!

Cloud: (to himself) Damn, what was I thinking? Ewww..........
 
 

PLEASE GO TO AND READ THE EPILOGUE OF THIS STORY!

Author’s Notes: This is the first fanfic I have written.  I know, I have a problem spelling but,
please bear with me. Also, E-mail me with your comments or so. crono_67@hotmail.com
Thank you!