The Challenge: In light of the fact that the DC area was under a three-foot blanket of wet, fluffy white stuff for the several days in January 1996, here's a little rockin' robin round of sim e-mail, inspired by Chrismasi's earlier stories in this format and my own growing cabin fever. For the purposes of this story, most of the participating characters were snowbound at home with only the telephone as a means of outside communication.
TO: ABeck
FROM: DaKidd
RE: Cruising
ATCH: net.txt
Hey Ab -
Here are a few web pages you might find interesting since you're stuck at home in all that snow. Me, I'm blissfully happy here in the Florida Panhandle on my vacation. And the best part ... no trouble! <gd&rA:
Kid
*****
TO: DaKidd
FROM: ABeck
RE: Trouble
You know, Jon ... Trouble has a way of following you, too, so I wouldn't be too giddy about being out of town. You never know what might happen to your computer ....
Abbe
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: DaKidd
RE: Computers
<< You never know what might happen to your computer .... A: A:
This from someone who has a trouble-shooting program named after her (I thought that was a bit of genius myself, but I won't gloat too much today :))?!? From someone whose grumblings caused the most recent California earthquake when she was punted from AOL twenty-seven times in two days?!?
Kid
Who still hasn't quite forgiven S.A. Beck for shooting up his computer last summer ...
*****
TO: DaKidd
FROM: ABeck
RE: Moi?
:: innocent :: Hey, I replaced your computer! You know, Michael never did say anything about that AMEX bill, though. I'd have sworn he'd say something after you rang up a five thousand dollar tab at Best Buy. What'd'ya do ... erase the bill from the account before it showed up?!?
Still, I can't say that I've ever had better service. Pays to be a frequent customer, eh?
Abbe
ps ... can please you send some of that Florida sunshine my way ... it's COLD up here!
*****
TO: DaKidd
FROM: ABeck
RE: Ask and Ye Shall Receive
ATCH: sunshn.gif
Gosh, since you asked so nicely ... here you go! Enjoy!
Kid
ps ... don't give ALL of my secrets away, okay? :)
*****
TO: MFsher, DaKidd, ABeck, Jakes9
FROM: AGTMaxiss
CC: SBanion, KRyan, MOleary
RE: Trying to reach me?
Are you trying to reach me? My Home phone keeps ringing and when I pick up, I get what sounds like a hang up. Must be ice on the phone lines. If you are trying to reach me try my cell phone number. I've gotten a couple of calls on that already so I know it works.
Thanks
*****
TO: AGTMaxiss
FROM: KRyan
RE: RE: trying to reach me?
Ummm..Ah...:::blushes:: That was me. I figured since it was a snow day and all, I would finally figure out how to program my speed dial. As you can see I wasn't real sucessful. I didn't realize it was actually dialing. Sorry again.
KR
*****
TO: KRyan
FROM: AGTMaxiss
RE: What!?
Didn't you think that after say 10 calls you were doing something wrong? ::laughs:: Just don't try anything stupid like trying to program your VCR. That could be really dangerous.
*****
TO: AGTMaxiss
FROM: KRyan
RE: Now you tell me
About the VCR..too late :(
KR
*****
TO: MFshr
FROM: ABeck
RE: :: cough, cough ::
:: shakes empty box of tissues :: I neeb sob more ... my colb iz getting worse. See what you did to me! I thought we were friends, and you had to nail me with that snowball.
Paybacks ... paybacks. :)
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: MFshr
RE: Bullseye
* I * didn't nail you with that snowball. Well, not the last one, anyway. :)
Who'd have thought Skinner was such a deadshot ... hope your clothes didn't take *too* long to dry out! <gd&r>
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: TheMax
RE: The sleigh
Yes, I made it home okay. Just drive REAL close behind a plow and you'll be fine! :) And if you know you can always give me a call if you need a lift to the hospital, oh sick and congested one! :)
BTW, I saw Skinner's truck in a snowbank on my way back from your place. He was okay, but he'd buried his precious 4x4.
::laughs:: Amatuer...
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEMailString
FROM: TheMax
RE: FUNNY
Alright, dammit! Who packed my mailbox with cat food!!!
You're ALL in trouble, now!
*****
ONLINE HOST: ABeck has entered the room
<ABeck>: : Hey Manda!
<Manda>: : Hey Abbe! Like the snow so far?!?
<ABeck>: : :: low gutteral growl emerges from throat :: Abbe isn't here anymore ...
<Manda>: : :: giggles :: Yeah, I noticed you changed your screen name again. What happened to the "Icicle"?
<ABeck>: : She's outside, freezing her butt off when she walks the dog ... remind me again why a bought a dog?
<Manda>: : Companionship? <gd&rA:
<ABeck>: : Grrr .... paybacks, fresh meat! Paybacks!
ONLINE HOST: Jakes9 has entered the room.
<Jakes9>: : Promises, promises!
<ABeck>: : :: pinches Jake :: You just wait, Stillwater!
<Jakes9>: : I ain't afraid of yous, boss ... hehehe!
<ABeck>: : :: rolls eyes ::
ONLINE HOST: DaKidd has entered the room.
<DaKidd>: : Yo! Popsicles!
<Manda>: : Jon, Jon ... that is SO cruel.
<DaKidd>: : :: grins :: Hey ... I sent Abbe some Florida sunshine. She didn't share?
<Jakes9>: : Hell, no. You got sunshine and didn't share it, Beck?!?
<ABeck>: : ::innocent:: Sunshine? What sunshine?
<Manda>: : We DO know where you live, Abbe ...
<ABeck>: : Ooh ... I'm scared! Like you guys can actually get OUT of your homes, right?!? I'm snowed in up to my knees and it's STILL coming down!
ONLINE HOST: ABeck has left the room.
<DaKidd>: : Ooops ... puntie's back!
<Manda>: : She's going to be maaaaad!
<Jakes9>: : Correction, Manda. She's going to be pissed. I'm getting out of here!
<DaKidd>: : What?!? C'mon ... THAT scares you!
<Jakes9>: : When Abbe is punted, it's a VERY scary thing.
<Manda>: : :: nodding :: I agree!
<DaKidd>: : Chickens!
<Manda>: : :: pinches Jon :: Hush ... do I need to remind you of the ... Incident?
<DaKidd>: :: grin disappears :: Oh ... yeah .... almost forgot about that!
<Jakes9>: : Uh huh ... so see ya later! I'm outta here!
<Manda>: : Bye Jake! Bye Jon!
<DaKidd>: : Bye Popsicles! <gd&r>
ONLINE HOST: DaKidd has left the room.
ONLINE HOST: Jakes9 has left the room.
ONLINE HOST: Manda has left the room.
ONLINE HOST: ABeck has entered the room.
<ABeck>: : Grrrr ... bloody punt monster must DIE!
<ABeck>: : Hey! Where'd everyone go?!?
*****
TO: MFshr, DaKidd, Jakes9
FROM: ABeck
RE: Traitors!
Sewer duty for all of you!
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: Jakes9
CC: MFshr, DaKidd
RE: Sewer Duty
Hey ... I'm already ON sewer duty, boss. Try again!
:: nudges others :: It ain't so bad, once you get used to the smell and the darkness and all the creepy, crawly stuff ... hope you aren't squeamish? :)
J
*****
TO: AGTMaxiss
FROM: TheMax
RE: Revenge
Hello me, it's me again. Just a note to myself. Figure out some way of getting Manda back for that snowball in the back Friday night. You remember, the one that she threw from Skinner's truck? The one that pegged you in the back of the head as you were jogging to the car? Yeah, THAT one!
We owe her one. <very wicked evil grin that makes children cry>
*****
TO: MOLeary
FROM: KRyan
RE: Casablanca
Michael, I want to thank you for letting me borrow your anniversary copy of Casablanca. You know how I love Ingrid Bergman in anything. It was just lucky I guess you gave it to me before the storm. Mind if I keep it for a few extra days?
KR
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: KRyan
RE: Casablanca
Do you know where I can get the anniversary tape of Casablanca. Michael lent me his and I ran into a bit of a snag. I tried dubbing it and... well I think it is melted into my VCR. Any help is appreciated.
KR
*****
TO: KRyan
FROM: ABeck
RE: Trouble
Um ... Ken, if I were you, I'd get on the first plane OUT of the country. Just kidding ... I think I have a catalog around here. I'll look for it.
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEmailString
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Yeticase
If anyone has a copy of it, could someone fax me the file on that Yeti sighting downtown? I left the damn thing at work, and if I gotta be trapped here with my crazy landlady, I might as well get some work done. {She wants me to shovel her walk! In this weather! Now! We're due for another foot of snow at least! I need some excuse to get her off my back!}
*****
(click)
Lu's? Hey Lyun, this is Vic, down the block. Are you guy's actually open? Great! I need a double order of Gung Pao Chicken. Yep, extra hot. And I need about a dozen eggrolls, too. No. (laughs) No party. I've got to stock up in case this storm gets worse. Great, I'll be down there in about fifteen. Thanks, you're a lifesaver. Bye.
*****
TO: Jakes9, AGTMaxiss, MOLeary, DaKidd
FROM: MaFishr@jhb.fbi.gov
RE: Keeping Warm
::wafting hot cocoa suggestively:: Oh, boys... the ladies and I decided that it's easier to keep warm in groups... so... we've got pillows and blankets and some VERY interesting movies Mulder left behind... PJs optional... don't be shy, now. We don't bite.
Unless we're asked nicely...
And if you call to RSVP, I'll even give you an audio preview of the evening's activities.... ;)
Ta! ;)
Amanda
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEmailString
FROM: MFshr
RE: Somebody Dies...
ATCH: KpWrm.wav
I want to know who sent this. You know damn well it wasn't me, so I don't EVEN want to hear it! It's not even my screen name, for crying out loud!!! People, I am NOT amused, and I am NOT laughing! :-(
Thanks for passing it on, Vic... ::sigh::
~Manda
*****
TO: MFshr
FROM: DaKidd
RE: On the case! :)
Aww, c'mon, Manda... buck up! I may be on vacation, but that doesn't mean that Little Brother's off duty! :)
*****
TO: MFshr, ABeck, KRyan
FROM: Jakes9
RE: So I guess this means no sleepover?
And I was looking forward to it, too... all of you ladies, huh?
Woo hoo hoo, she's gonna GET me for that one! :-D
*****
TO: Jakes9
FROM: ABeck
RE: Sleepover
No sleepover - no sleep, period, Stillwater... that WASN'T nice! Night shift in the sewer sound good to you????
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Midnight Duty
Only if I get company... ;)
*****
TO: Jakes9
FROM: ABeck
RE: Company
Grrr ...
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEmailString
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Apology
Okay, okay, fine... in the interests of easing the minds of the sensitive... even if it WAS a joke! We ALL know that Manda Fisher and our Basement Ladies are most definitely above reproach in the matter of some rather intriguing e-mail. Manda's certainly not the type to be so blatant, or so lewd. That's my job. ;)
There. I'm sorry. Really. Everyone happy now?
Vic, would you let go of my arm now, please? I don't think it was meant to bend that way, and typing one-handed is bloody difficult...
*****
TO: Jakes9
FROM: MFshr
RE: S'alright...
I won't make the comment about typing one-handed, dear, though heaven only knows you're asking for it.
Thanks for the apology... and the cyberflowers were a nice touch. You're forgiven. For now. :)
~Manda
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEmailString
FROM: DaKidd
RE: PAYDIRT!!!!
Hahahahaha... yes, the boy is GOOD! Manda, my friend, here is the head on the cyberplatter. The screen name was a subsidiary of a major account, traceable back to the Hoover Building network... so our friend was clever, but running his brain cells down too fast... he didn't block the tracer paths! (As if that would have stopped yours truly anyway...)
Cutting to the chase...
The account was based at a terminal in Forensics... main screen name, one AHJeffers.
Yes, folks, our amoebae-for-brains resident slime bucket strikes again. I'm feeling VERY sorry that I won't be around on the first workday after the snow clears... just to see who gets there first, the Basement Posse or Manda!! Sic 'im, sis! :-D
But... just so he doesn't think he can tiptoe through MY tulips... d'you think he'll like the unabridged version of Encyclopedia Americana sent straight to his EM box? I hope so.... he'll be getting a copy every Tuesday...
*****
TO: ABeck, MOLeary
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Yeti
BTW Thank you Abbe and Michael, oh so much, for this *special assignment.* 'Sewer Duty' and 'Paybacks' at the same time is NOT fair, regardless of the circumstances.
Besides, it was only a ONE cockroach. Sheesh.
*****
TO: XFSpecOpnsEmailString
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Yeti.gif
Ha-ha. Very funny. I'll grant it even looks like me.
Whoever the cowardly, shiftless, sneaky, SOB is who did this however, dies.
DON'T let me find out who.
lovies,
J
*****
TO: KRyan
FROM: ABeck
RE: Got it!
ATTCH: video.txt
Okay, Ken, here's a list of video stores in the district that will probably be able to get you a copy of that tape. Give some of them a call and let me know what you find out.
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: KRyan
RE: Video Stores
:: embarrassed :: Okay, I found ONE store in the district that has ONE copy of that anniversary tape left. And guess what? They'll only sell it to a "regular" customer! I'm serious! So, I'm sitting there, wondering how the heck I'm going to get them to sell ME that tape, when it hits me ... that's the store that Michael goes to on a regular basis, right? MediaPlay on Ninth? Isn't that it?
Well, anyway, do you still have that ... um ... well, you know ... that credit card with his name on it? Could you order that tape for me and have it sent to my address? You know where I live.
Thanks ... I owe you one!
KR
*****
TO: KRyan
FROM: ABeck
RE: Order Up!
:: slaps spatula on metal bell :: DING! Order up! One copy of Casablanca, full loaded with all that anniversary stuff, as requested. Fries on the house.
Ken, you have GOT to cover me when the day come and Michael goes in that store when he gets back and they ask about "Mrs. O'Leary." Okay? :)
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: KRyan
RE: ::tosses blanket over S.A. Beck's head::
How's that? Thanks for ordering that tape. It's coming to my house, right?
*****
TO: KRyan
FROM: ABeck
RE: Addresses
Um ... oh, dear ... this time I think * I * screwed up. How are your lock-picking skills these days?!?
*****
TO: ABeck
FROM: KRyan
RE: Open Sesame!
<< How are your lock-picking skills these days?!? A: A:
Better than my VCR skills! When and where?!?
*****
(click)
Manda? It's me, Abbe. Yes, and Kennedy. Um ... we're in a bit of a bind, and we need some assistance. Can you come down to the Montgomery County Police Station here in Chevy Chase? And bring something that'll verify our identities, too. They think we're burglars. No, I'd rather not explain HOW it happened or WHY ... You can stop laughing now. Just get dressed and get over here! And don't breathe a word of this to anyone.
*****
TO: MFshr
FROM: Jakes9
RE: Soup
Woman, how the blazes did you manage to FEDEX a bowl of chicken soup in this weather? Did everyone get one?
And if this is an apology for making me wear those damned antlers, it won't work. {That was FAR too humiliating}
It was good soup though. I'll grudgingly give you that much.
*****
TO: Jakes9
FROM: MFshr
RE: Soup
I have my ways. I called in some favors, scratched a few backs... besides, I felt bad for snapping at everyone over that Jeffers thing. He dies. Soon.
Oh... You wore the antlers of your own free will, sweetie. *I* wasn't the one trying to get cozy with Cousin Lucy, Miss Steeltown USA! ;)
And yes, I still have the pictures... and the negatives are in a VERY safe place. So there, too!
Glad you liked the soup... but get off the line, would you? I've been trying to phone for forty minutes... we've got trouble, and I'm short of cash, and my checkbook is buried somewhere in Abbe's front yard. Remind me to thank you for tripping me...
Anyhoo, get off the line! We need to talk!!!!!
*****
::ring... ring... ring... click...::
"You know who this is, or you wouldn't be calling. You know what to do, or you'd have hung up by now. I'll do what I do as soon as I can do it. Later."
"Vic? It's Manda... if you're screening, pick up."
"I *told* you this was a bad idea."
"Shut up, Jake. Vic? Come on, Vic, it's important."
"It's snowing too hard, I said. A Voyager will never make it, I said..."
"Shut UP, Stillwater! Vic, I swear, I'm gonna kill him..."
"A *very* bad idea." THUMP. "Owwww... Vic, she hit me!"
"::sigh:: Listen, Vic, I'm calling from my cellphone... we're kinda stuck here in a monster drift... but I'm sure we can dig out, that's not a problem. Listen, why I called is... ah... Abbe and Kennedy are kinda in... well... trouble, and someone needs to bail them out."
"She's gonna talk all the oxygen out of this car..." THUMP. "Watch it, toots... I kinda like that..."
"YOU can get out and walk, you know."
"No, I can't. The door's frozen shut." rrrrrRRRRUMBLLLLLLLe "Ah. And NOW we're plowed in. I *told* you this was a bad idea!"
*****
TO: KRyan, ABeck
FROM: DaKidd
RE: Mugshots
Ladies, ladies ... you know, ever since I was detached from our division to debug everyone's computers, I've got a little backdoor set up in just about every police department's computer system, and the strangest thing showed up on my system this morning ...
I think you know what I'm talking about. Right?!?
*****
TO: AGTMaxiss
FROM: MFshr
RE: Dudley Do-Right
I'm teasing, I'm teasing, Vic... honest! But you've got one agent very much in your debt for turning up with the snowblower. I don't think Abbe will ever forgive you for getting me out first, though... wottaguy. :)
So... whenever you decide to collect on the MANY things IOU from these past few days... give a holler. Filing, cookies, what-have-you. Thanks again, partner. :)
~Manda
*****
----------------------- Headers --------------------------------
From micloleary@carltoncannesmontecarlo.infi.net Wed Jan 10 00:20:20
Return-Path: micloleary@carltoncannesmontecarlo.infi.net
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To: abeck@fbi.com
From: micloleary@carltoncannesmontecarlo.infi.net (Michael F. O'Leary)
Subject: Let it Snow, Let it snow, Let it Snow....
Understand things are a bit white and chilly back there at the moment. Abbe, please remind me when I get back that I owe you a rather Large Favour for insisting I take some vacation time and attend the Film Festival. It's a beautiful 78 degrees here, clear skies. Tell Jon and Vic the bikinis are running hot and cold ...
Met a wonderful woman name of Jennifer Mayes. She's an actress (of course), and I have taken it upon myself to assist her in the "Method" school of Acting. (She has trouble with on camera love scenes, and said she desperately needed my assistance.)
Saw a hysterical little nothing titled "Silence of the Hams," a satire of the infamous "Lambs" movie we all know and love. Abbe, suggest you rent this (when the snow melts, I mean), and run it in the office some dull day for you and Kennedy and Manda and Sue. It's called a "comedy," but there were moments it reminded me of the Basement.
Now if you'll forgive me, Jennifer tells me it's time to dress for dinner. Not sure how she did it, but she managed to obtain two seats at Pierce Brosnan's table. For some reason, people mistake me for him around here. (shrug) Don't understand it myself, but it IS rather flattering to be mistaken for James Bond.
Michael
P.S. In case of emergency, there's a Bic lighter in my desk, bottom right hand drawer. You can bonfire some of our "official" files to keep warm.
*****
FR: (202) 555 - 8703 / ext. 44/fax 1996-01-11 08:44:21
FAX TRANSMITTAL
TO:
Michael F. O'Leary
Carlton
Cannes, Monte Carlo
FROM:
Abigail C. Beck
F.B.I. Headquarters
Ninth Street and Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
Washington, D.C.
Slight problem at your home this weekend. Appeared to be a break-in: No damage, nothing taken. Ken and I checked it out, and everything's fine. Had the locks changed anyway, just in case. New key should be arriving in Cannes by FedEx tomorrow.
Abbe
ps ... No need to repay the Favour. Trust me.
*****
(click)
Damn, is this thing on? I can never tell.
Okay, Michael, I know you're not going to get this until you get back from France (and I do expect all the details ... on the films, okay?!?) but I wanted to leave you a quick message. All your talk of warm weather, and a few other incidents this past week ... well, it's got me to planning one myself. And not to worry. No trouble. I'm taking along a few companions, my armed escorts, so nothing should happen.
Of course, this IS me we're talking about, so anything can happen. (laughter, muffled voices in background)
Sorry. The Basement Rats are getting antsy. You know how it is down here. Okay, gotta go; Vic's threatening to leave without me. God, I don't know why I agreed to let him drive again. See you in a week or so.
(lowers voice to a whisper) Oh, yeah ... one more thing. You'd better be sitting down when you get the next AMEX bill.
Bye!
*****
CONTINENTAL TRAVEL
22431 Fourteenth Street, Suite 369-A
Washington, D.C.
BILLED TO: REP: MTM/96
Michael F. O'Leary
12934 Old Willow Way DATE PROCESSED:
Chevy Chase, MD 21221 01/11/96
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SERVICES RENDERED:
Airfare for Eight (8) Passengers
DESTINATION: Key West, FL
FIRST-CLASS, ROUND TRIP
METHOD OF PAYMENT: AMERICAN EXPRESS
Card No. 3721-09999-122 Expiration Date: 12/99
SIGNED: (signature on file) DATE: 01/11/96
*****
AMERICAN EXPRESS INTERNATIONAL CORPORATION
755 Desert Road
Phoenix, Arizona
Michael F. O'Leary
12934 Old Willow Way
Chevy Chase, MD 21221
Dear Michael F. O'Leary:
In view of both your excellent credit history and a recent update to our files, we would like to take this opportunity to invite you to receive an American Express Platinum Card. The enclosed package will illustrate the benefits from joining such an exclusive membership, especially in regards to the Travel benefits. (In light of your recent travels to both Cannes and Key West, you might find it interesting to use the Platinum Card in the future.)
If you have any questions, please feel free to call me directly.
Warm Regards,
Anna Stuart
Customer Service
AmEx
*****
Transcription: Tape # 32-091
Description: Subject A, male. Subject B, female.
96-01-19 14:22:08 start
(click)
A: Hello.
B: Hi. It's me.
A: Hey! How's Florida?
B: Warm. For a change
A: (laughter) I bet.
B: Well, I had just about enough of that snow.
A: I hear you there .... How's everyone?
B: Oh, peachy. Getting lots of sunshine before we head back tomorrow.
A: Any trouble? (laughter)
B: Of course not. How could there be *any* trouble with eight armed escorts?
A: Point taken. Then what's wrong?
B: What's wrong? Nothing's wrong. Why would you think anything is wrong?
A: Uh huh. Then why are you calling?
B: What? I can't call you up and say hello?
A: Sure you can. But you're on vacation
B: Well ...
A: Uh huh. What is it?
B: Well ... see, I was picking up a few things ... souvenirs and gifts. Just little things, you see.
A: Uh huh. And?
B: And the salesclerk gets this message on the little machine to call in. So he does.
A: You haven't been canceled.
B: Oh, I know. I know. But when the rep got on the phone, she wanted to know why I wasn't using the new card.
A: (silence)
B: The new card. A platinum card.
A: Uh huh.
B: Not gonna say anything, are you?
A: Can I plead the Fifth?
B: No, you can't. So do I get one?
A: Hell no. With a platinum card, you could buy a house.
B: No!
A: Yes. And I had visions of a mansion on the Chesapeake Bay ...
B: (laughter) Well, I wouldn't go *that* far. I was thinking of something new to wear ...
A: Oh, yeah?
B: Yeah. But since it's a moot point, I won't go into details.
A: (deleted) You know I'll find out. I always find out.
B: Yeah, yeah. The Great Detective.
A: How else would I know that you were in my house while I was away.
B: I told you ...
A: And I'd recognize those size six-and-half treads all over my kitchen floor any day.
B: Ah ... evidence.
A: Indeed.
B: Well, think of it as a variation of Thelma and Louise.
A: More like Lucy and Ethel.
B: (laughter) I suppose so. (muffled voice in background) I'll be ready in a minute.
A: Your escorts are calling.
B: Please don't remind me. If I hear "be good" one more time this week ...
A: (laughter) Get going then. Oh, one more thing before you go ...
B: Yes?
A: Be good.
(click)
96-01-19 14:59:22 end
~ END ~
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